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This is the archive for October 2006

An Open Letter to Reggie Bush

Dear Reggie Bush,

Did you have a motorcycle wreck you're not telling anyone about, or are you just a fucking retard?

I ask this question in all seriousness after watching your abysmal performance on Sunday. Now, I understand you’re playing the Ravens, so your 5 carries for 16 yards and 4 catches for 5 yards are almost excusable, but what isn’t excusable is your attempt to throw the ball through two Baltimore Ravens into the hands of a streaking wide receiver on a halfback option.

Listen, I know in college everyone sucked your dick, especially the white women. I know everyone said you could do no wrong, you’d be the best thing since ape steroids in the NFL, and that you were the greatest running back in USC history. That kind of thing can go to your head, I understand that.

But seriously, calling you and that throw you made retarded is an insult to the mentally challenged everywhere, because your average person with a mild mental disability knows in a situation in which there are two guys covering your only option to throw to, you throw the ball away. You don’t fucking play catch with two All-Pro Baltimore Ravens, especially if those two Ravens are Chris McAllister and Ray Lewis. Granted, Ray is only half as good as he thinks he is, and ¾ as good as everyone says he is, but he’s still one of the top mike linebackers in the league.

Chris McAllister, for what it’s worth, is better than everyone says he is.

Hopefully, you’ve learned your lesson. Hopefully, you haven’t taken so many shots to the head like some quarterbacks for the Pittsburgh Steelers who I shan’t name, that you can actually not only learn from this lesson, but remember what you’ve learned for longer than five minutes and still remember how to chew.

I mean, I haven’t seen you throwing any dumbassed laterals lately, so maybe there’s still hope...

Best Wishes,


PS: Hold the football with both hands. It’s not a loaf of bread, shit-for-brains. Hold it like you’d hold Matt Leinart’s bastard child.

PPS: On second thought, you’d better not hold Matt Leinart’s kid. That baby’s done nothing to me, so I don’t want to see the poor little fetus dropped on its head or worse, thrown to Ray Lewis.

The What, The Who Cares And The Why?

Don't look now, but there's a Knight looming on the BCS horizon looking to crash things. That's right, Rutgers, perennial laughingstock of college football back east not named Temple are undefeated and #12 in the Beyond Complicated Standings which will determine who gets to spend the 8th of January playing for the National Title. Who saw this coming?

I mean, seriously, who? I sure as hell didn't and I'm as Jersey as they come. But alas, a week from Thursday night, they'll be squaring off with Louisville who COULD be in the Top 5 if it can hold off #3 WVU this Thursday will face the Scarlet Knights next Thursday night for what might be for the Big East Title and a BCS bid. Ray Rice is garnering national attention at tailback, Brian Leonard's a serious force at fullback and the D is one of the best if not THE BEST in the conference. Don't laugh, but Rutgers COULD run the table if folks continue to overlook them. As for the 'Who Cares' part of my rant, why that's quite simply talking...

The Curtain Has Fallen...The Curtain Has Fallen!!!

Okay, I know what the average Steelers fan is probably saying provided they're not drinking Draino [literally] or seeing that white light rushing to greet them as they plummet to their premature deaths following last night's debacle in Croakland where the term 'Black Hole' took on a whole new meaning entirely.

It swallowed the Steelers' season whole. I mean, how can they explain this to me so I can understand? I mean, I said back in February following their victory over the 'Hawks they were the luckiest SB Champ I've ever seen and damned if they haven't spent the first seven games of this regular season proving it to me. I mean, I could've written about anything else about Week 8 in the NFL, but I couldn't pass this up. I mean, even the BROWNS figured out a way to NOT LOSE in Oakland even after falling behind by what? 18 in the second half? How come Blitzburgh couldn't and they're supposedly better than Cleveland? I mean, the defense held the Oakland O to 98 yards of offense. That's a 9 in the tens place and an 8 in the ones column.

Bizzaro Sunday in the NFL...

Alright, before Ron gets the offical Hits and Shits for the even weeks posted, let's recap Bizzaro Sunday.

The Raiders upped the Ben Roethlisberger "Reggie Ray Scale" count for this week. The NFL needs a star helmet decal for every person that's injured the big goof, up to and including his bike. However, Jerry Porter still isn't playing. If Art Shell has his way, Porter will go the way of Jimmy Hoffa.

Is Seneca Wallace really worth that rookie contract he signed?!! Yes, he is. However, so was Damon Huard on his journey in the NFL. Deion Branch actually showed good hustle on a fourth quarter interception that gets turned back over. Good show, gentlemen.

The refs love that fag Peyton Manning. Yet Shanny's still too much of a pussy to start Jay Cutler. Hey, Mike. Time to catch up to Tennessee and Dallas. They're winning with their former backups. To Peyton, I say... Enjoy it, punk. You've got New England next week, and that evil Parcells-era Dallas team two weeks after that. Oh, and Buffalo in between. Gotta rest sometime.

New England is somehow still doing the damn thing. Oh, and Indy comes to Foxboro. Cue Jim Ross and Slobberknocker speech.

The Bears are scarier than ever. Somehow, none of you are questioning that yet.

And the Ravens are officially the NFL's Anti-Christ Superstar Team. What did you expect with all the thugs and attempted murderers, folks?

The Tony Romo Experience is now beginning. Check your expectations at the door. Parcells can work with a mobile quarterback.

One thing still remains constant. Donovan McNabb still sucks.

Hell of a Sunday, isn't it? Oh, and Paris the Whore is in the MNF booth. FUCK, SHOOT ME!

I'll be back later with a better article, possibly the first Sports BastardCast.

Arnold Jacob "Red" Auerbach - September 20, 1917 to October 28, 2006

The Greatest NBA Coach of All Time, Red Auerbach, died last night.

What can be said about Red Auerbach and his Celtics teams? He did something that not even Phil Jackson could do. He won nine NBA rings with the same city. Red was the The Coach of Boston. A cigar in his mouth and his eye on the prize at all times. After leaving Boston, he continued to do the one thing he loved to do. He continued to coach his "kids".

He won 938 games in the NBA, the second highest win records. The highest goes to one of his friends, Lenny Wilkens, with 1,332 wins.

Red won with fire, passion, and most importantly, class. Even the current thugs of the NBA regard Red as The Man. How much influence does Red have? All coaches have in form or another tried to emulate Red's ability. Only Phil got close.

There will never be another Red Auerbach, and a man like him, the NBA needs now more than ever. Red was a man who wouldn't take any of the thuggery in HIS locker room. A man who wasn't afraid to tell his star play to "Shut up and play. I don't give a damn who endorses you." His most blantant point for all coaches to tack down on their boards. "Animals, you discipline. People, you handle with respect."

Rest In Peace, Coach. May your wisdom impact all generations.

HEY GUYS! I have an idea on where to hide...

Yesterday on the ESPN Ticker, they told the real story of the Chrysler Championship. Two juvenile recipients of the "DE DE DE" awards decided the best place to hide was at the Chrysler Championship. Little did anyone tell these dumb shits that with that many white folks in one gathering, there's going to be... get this... MORE COPS!

The sad part is I told this whole story to my mother and she asked where Tiger was to regulate. Of course, Eldrich decided to take the week off from dominance (I hear Ron dying a little more as I type this). And our Robbing Hoods ran through the series of Brian Gay.

If you really give a shit about the tourney, K.J. Choi is winning. If you bothered to read the wiki, you would see that Brian shares something in common with A-Rod and McNabb, they all choke in the big one.

Well, at least Brian can tell his grandchildren he got to see something they never will. Two punkasses not getting read their Miranda Rights. And who says the PGA is boring?

The Barroids Show is Leaving The Gay Bay

On wire from ESPN and the AP, Barroids is taking his heart and his horse steroids and leaving San Francisco.

Of course, Barroids is waiting until the World Series ends. Which at the rate the series isn't going, I'd say my 26th birthday is going to be before then.

To quote the AP: "Under baseball's new collective bargaining agreement, a five-year deal reached Tuesday night, there is less of a time constraint on the Giants and Bonds to get something done on a new contract.

"The previous labor agreement mandated that if the Giants had not offered Bonds arbitration by Dec. 7, they would be unable to sign him until May 1. Now, the club can still negotiate with Bonds, 42, even if it doesn't offer him arbitration by the new Dec. 1 deadline."

In the Bay, they're probably asking themselves, "Do we really want this large-headed freak with the shrunken testicles that could break Henry Aaron's record?" I'm guessing not, with the hurry they're not in.

Oh, and since everyone should know, Hank isn't showing up for the freakshow, either. Not that I'd blame him, it's literally going to be a white guy owning the record again.

Stern to NBA Players Union: 9mm is no longer a part of the uniform.

Credit goes to The Critic for finding this gem.

Today, all the NBA Players have to leave their guns at home. ...the one in your Lugz, Stephen. Give it to security. There we go. Anyways, Wyatt Earp... fuck, I mean David Stern gave a mandate to the entire NBA that 9mm handguns are still not a part of the NBA Dress Code. They also can't be slipped in under the accessory rule. While we're at it, you can't slip them anywhere on the business suits that you're forced to wear now, Toby.

To top this all off, you fuckers can't wear it on the low-hanging chain that you can't wear anymore. Now that we have that clear, NBA, time for you to go back to making shitty rap albums and movies, while finding creative ways to get thrown out of strip clubs.

So, what will Sebastian Telfair do for fun now? Hire another thug to shoot Fagolous again?

Just like on "Fear Factor"

Dallas Cowboys ‘passing game coordinator’ (or wide receivers coach for us non PC types) Todd Haley discovered a very unpleasant guest in his home that snuck into his crib in a very unpleasant way.

No, this isn’t the setup for a “T.O.’s dating his daughter!” joke, nor some “Desperate Housewives”/ESPN Monday Night Football promo setup gone horribly awry. The real situation is horrifying without embellishment.

Todd Haley’s wife and au pair (nanny, again to translate from PC into American) stopped at that American institution, the drive through window at McDonald’s, for a snack. They opted for a healthy McSalad (note: the chicken bacon ranch McSalad has more fat and calories than a Big Mac, but we’ll cut ‘em a break). Instead of their healthy greenery, they received healthy greenery with an extra special topping.

A 6-inch long dead roof rat.

All together now! “EWWWWWW!”

A motivational speech for the Detroit Tigers

All right, so maybe the Cardinals are up 3 games to 1, thanks in no small part to the new and upcoming SportsBastards Baseball Curse, in which any team we pick to choke and die will obviously be very successful. At least we’re starting traditions on this day, our 100th total blog post.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Jade’s Fantasy Team Curse, as well. She stocked her team with Tigers, which had I known this last week, I would’ve picked the Cards in a sweep. When Jade puts a player on her fantasy playoffs roster, his performance goes in the toilet (see Zumaya, Joel).

Thanks a lot, Jade. I think you did this on purpose, just to make me look bad. I’m not going to fret until after the Cardinals prove me wrong. I mean, if the Yankees can choke away a three game lead, so can the Cardinals. After all, the Cardinals have the best choking coach in history on their bench, and Tony leads by example.

It’s up to you, Jim Leyland. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, knock back a beer, harness your inner Walter Matthau (I’ll accept Billy Bob Thornton, even), and turn those Bad News Bears of yours (from the beginning of the movie) into the Bad News Bears at the end of the movie, where they play well and don’t make dumb mistakes and errors.

Let's go out there and win this one! Not for ourselves, or for our coach who is probably growing cancerous as we speak, or for our economically-depressed city, but for Ron!


The Pink and Black Attack

These have probably been around awhile, but I’m just now noticing them. For the uninitiated, they now make pastel-colored jerseys for the lady sports fan in your life.

That’s right, girls; now you can support your boyfriend's favorite team while still looking like you know nothing about sports by wearing a shirt so gay that even Richard Simmons will fag-bash you for it! Fellas, you can buy your lady something sparkly and pretty without embarrassing yourself in the ladies’ lingerie department of your local department store (they still haven’t forgiven you for the mannequin incident, anyway).

That’s where East Bay comes in, with these fetchingly tapered and bejeweled jerseys for the fairer sex. Well, at least the ones who aren’t built like nose tackles. The NFL Fashions Glitter line of clothing gives you all the fun of a woman’s football jersey, without actually making you buy one of the real replica women’s jerseys available! Who needs pewter, black, and white when you can have pink, crocus, mint, and guava!

But don’t take my word for it, let’s talk to the athletes, coaches, and team officials themselves!

Vick's Going Back to Marlin Briscoe High

Most of the time I hate what Gregg Easterbrook writes on the TMQ. However, what he mentions on the first part of the story, I actually do agree with. I'm sure Ron would too.

The Falcons are actually successful right now with a Wing-T offense. Yes, that's right. A Wing-T. "Back in the high school offensive playbook" Wing-T. Rollouts. Sexy Options. Plays named after the coach's ex-girlfriends. And you want to know something. I'm glad Jim Mora's got the balls to do it.

So, remember teams. He's beating you with the most simplified offense ever. A sight that the other 31 teams don't want is below now...

Yeah, he's Ridin' Dirty...

(Edit from Ron: For those of you who don't know, this is Marlin Briscoe, the man who Briscoe High is named after in the Nike ads..)

An Open Letter to Sport Parents...

From a concerned sports fan/possible parent,

I'm a 25 year old Hispanic male who's in a relationship with a single mother. Of course, I'm a semi-father figure to her daughter. Every day I want her to sign up for sports, I mean every parental figure wants their child to do something in their life. However, the more I'm seeing out of sports parents, the less I want her to get into sports. As Ron, Jade, and Chris know, I'm a sports man all the way. I was raised in two sports hotbeds, the states of Texas and Tennessee.

When I was playing youth football, I didn't get enough playing time, I'll admit it. However, I was a bit undersized as a child. It was for my safety to not see a lot of time. Which I did learn a lot about the game sitting on the sidelines, and I got in a bit of time in some games. I even made some lifelong friends. Some of them view this site, and one of them has a site linked to Sports Bastards.

The point is, parents are forgetting the real point of youth sports. From youth sports, I made a lot of friends. I learned what competiton was. I even had enough of a love of sports that I carried on to middle school. I then carried that one to high school where I was lucky to start two years as a Right Offensive Tackle because I wasn't that atlethic yet I had strength. Later, I had a great head coach that believed in me and worked with me on my speed. He then put me in as the starting Mike Linebacker.

I wasn't the greatest player ever. As you see, I'm a sports writer. I'm still in sports, but not playing. I'll leave that to the pros. However, the love of the game is what keeps us going here. However, the love of the game is what makes me sick when I have to talk to you frothing from the mouth fucktarded parents.

In my opinion, most of you fucking morons need help...

The golden boot

Matt Bryant, the world's first real-life fantasy football player, kicked a game-winning 62-yard field goal as you can see above. My best kick on a football video game is only 61 yards. I suck at Madden, apparently, because if you can do this in real life I ought to be able to do it on a video game.

Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits: A Merriman Update

Thanks to Shawne Merriman's love of needles in his ass and bacne, the Chargers expand their public opinion lead in the ongoing battle between Cincy and San Diego for the title of most troubled team in the NFL. That's right, last year's Defensive Rookie of the Year and Pro Bowl player is on the Brian Bosworth Fitness Program. Looks like he’ll miss the inmates-on-inmates brawl in Cincinnati on November 12th.

Now, while this doesn’t officially count towards San Diego’s arrest total, it does help make the team look even worse than it already did, and expunges one of the few remaining bright spots on the Chargers defense (a defense that really didn’t need yet another player getting hurt, suspended, or shot up by the cops) and sets Shawne up for the inevitable Odell Thurman yearlong-suspension and DUI double-play. I can smell it coming.

That Shawne Merriman, he’s a real competitor, isn’t he? Nobody wants to win more than him, and if you say you do want to win more than he does, he’ll have a steroid rage fit and rip your head off. Just like Todd Sauerbrun.

An Open Rant On The U of M...

Courtesy of a FSU fan.

Greetings. I'd like to congratulate the U of M for making this college football year for me personally, that much more enjoyable. How's that you ask? Well, not withstanding the opening season win over the University of Morons(Fl.), my year was capped off with FIU pulling the Who's hoe card in the OB [as spoken by former Miami alum and currently unemployed moron, Lamar Thomas] this past Saturday. This past Saturday all but cemented with the sad little bow on top what the rest of the world outside of Miami has known for years, since the Ohio State/Miami Fiesta Bowl.

The 'U' is dead. Long live the Who?


Thanks to the power of everyone's third-favorite Molina, Yadier, the Cardinals are back in the World Series. Hell of a knock for a guy who makes Bengie Molina look like Mike Piazza, I must admit.

I swear to God, they're only doing this to try to make me look dumb when I said they'd choke. It's just spite. Screw you, Tony LaRussa. You'll pull up lame in the end, thanks to a heapin' helpin' of the Marlboro Man, Jim Leyland.

He's got tumors tougher than you, LaRussa!

The next entrants into the PANTHEON OF BADASSERY!

Previously in our Pantheon, Ronald honored the gutsy son of Phil Simms. Chris Simms etched his way into the Pantheon by playing through a game not realizing that his spleen has ruptured and failed. He ended up leaving that game needing a blood transfusion. Now that we have our bust of Mr. Simms, it's time to add a new entrant. However, this time I'm adding two entrants. These men are from two SEC teams. One from Auburn. The other from U of Georgia.

Quarterback Brandon Cox and Defensive Tackle Dale Dixson are beasts on the college football field. Cox might be on an 6-1 Auburn team that lost to Arkansas, but the score doesn't matter to him. Being upright is all that matters.

Dale Dixson also shares this thought. He's in an even worse position to be in. Dale is the starting Nose Tackle on a fierce UGA defense that's going 5-2 this season. Although his UGA Bulldogs lost a couple of heartbreakers to the TN duos of UT and Vanderbilt, the score doesn't matter to him at the end of the day.

So, you ask, why doesn't the score matter to either man, because they've been playing a life or death game before they even thought about getting into college...

Fear of a Dirty Bomb

So, some retard was making threats about how there were going to be radiological “dirty bomb” attacks at several NFL stadia over the weekend. Specifically threatened were New York, Miami, Atlanta, Seattle, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland. Needless to say, the federal government, the NFL, and the individual stadium security teams have dismissed the truck-bomb threat as completely not credible, probably because of the points I’m about to go into below.

The most important issue, for me, is the loose interpretation of professional football that the poster is using. I mean, he did call the Dolphins, Texans, Raiders, and Browns professional football teams, so it’s not like he’s very smart. Can we really take someone that dumb at his threatening, poorly-typed word?

Read more, and get the bunk completely debunked.

Denny Green says: "You are who I think you are!"

When an NFL Head Coach melts down in front of the press after a devastating loss, it’s more than entertainment--it’s an art form! NFL Coaches know how to blow their stack, and do it with style so that it will be remembered for years to come--or at least until next week’s game.

Monday night, after his Cardinals were gobbled up in the second half by a ferocious Bears defense resulting in a Chicago come-from-behind 24-23 victory, Dennis “Denny” Green stepped up to the podium and unleashed a forty-second flurry that still has sports fans buzzing. With new quotables like, “THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!” and “If you’re gonna crown them, THEN GO AHEAD AND CROWN THEY ASS!” it’s no wonder Denny’s inspired his Arizona Cardinals to a stirring 1-5 start.

That’s right Denny, the Bears were who you thought they were--the fucking Bears. And you were who they thought you were--the fucking Cardinals. The more I think about it the more I’ve come to believe that the Bears offensive machine wasn’t broken on Monday Night--they’ve just gotten so good they’ve decided to start tanking plays on purpose to dig themselves a hole just so they can have a challenge.

And so, after the game Denny assumes the position and delivers his meltdown in glorious fashion. Watching it reminded me of some of my favorite head coach meltdowns from seasons past. So, feeling nostalgic, I did like any other idiot with a keyboard does when they’re feeling nostalgic--I clicked over to Youtube to have my fill of some of that “good stuff.”

Luther for UscuM coach?!!

As I'm reading my new ESPN Magazine with DA BEARS! on the cover, I'm reading The Jump. I see something strange in there. Luther Campbell making sense. Don't believe me. Get your copy. I'm going to put this up word for word.

How I'd fix the Hurricanes
By Luther Campbell, Rapper/Miami Fan

They need to give me Larry Coker's job. I'm sick of this. We've got five different running backs but nobody wants to be the guy. Our defense is fine but they're on the field too long. They're trying to protect and score points because the offense is terrible.

We used to walk around wearing swagger scarves. We used to hit people in the mouth. I'd bring the swagger back, but they don't want me near the team! Do they think I'm gonna tell the kids to shoot up a parking lot? The former players on the sideline are now busy networking, talking about stocks. Instead, I'd have Warren Sapp get in players faces after a bad play.

We've gone from National Champs to National Chumps because Coker allows the university board to order him around. I'd tell the administration, "I coach football. You run the school." Period.

They have no love for me, but I love Miami. When I die, I'll have a UM logo on my Casket. Put that in my will.


What do you think? Make your own jokes in the comments.

Milwakee Bar Warning.

Koren-hole is now out of the NFL for no less than one year. According to the AP, Koren Robinson's plead of not guilty to drunk driving charges got him a year of sit down time. Guess the Pack is SOL yet again.

As you SBers remember, he was already covered because of his absurd trial. In case you don't want to read that far, this month, Robinson was sentenced to three months in jail for violating probation on a separate drunken-driving case in Kirkland, Wash., last year. He plans to serve that sentence after the season.

A note to the Wisconsin bars, Koren will come around for one last call before the judge realizes that his season is now over. Hopefully, you guys have enough beer around. Of course, the judge will probably not even get him until the whole season is over.

A reminder of why Washington judges suck, folks...

Hits & Shits--Week 6

Last night at the end of the third quarter, I sent an instant message to Jaime Sue, asking her if the Bears could come back and win the game. The Bears, at this point, were down 20. She said no, they couldn’t. Now I’m not rubbing it in or anything, because the poor girl’s got enough problems living in Broncos territory and being a Chargers fan. I’m just trying to establish that I’m not as dumb as my posting icon/”Hacksaw” Jim Duggan impersonation might suggest that I am.

All that being said, the Cardinals put in a lot of work to make me look good, and I thank them for that one. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here, and your Oakland Raiders would be hands down the worst team in football. As it stands, they’re significantly better than the Raiders. Why?

Because the Cardinals have a sexy new stadium with movable turf. How cool of an invention is that? They can move the whole field outside to get sun, then bring it back inside when the Bidwells realize that they built their stadium in a desert and Arizona’s average daytime temperature of 312 degrees is generally bad for greenery, no matter how well-watered it may be. Seriously, it’s a swank setup, and it’s a damn shame they can’t get a real NFL team to use it as their home stadium.

An Open Letter to Matt Leinart

Dear Mr. Leinart,

Welcome to the futility that is the Cardinals, sir. Now that you realize that your team isn't the University of Southern California that can do no wrong. You're now on the Phoenix, Arizona Cardinals that can't even do the SexyBack Option without killing their own offensive line in the process.

No cheap nicknames for the Cardinals. They suck bad enough to where I don't need to give them one. I know Paris's anorexic ass kept you up all night Sunday. She's practicing celibacy now, so only in her pooper, Matt. Maybe you had your mind on jizzing on her non-tits. Anyways, it's not everyday we get a chance to see her naked bod... Oh wait. Yes we do. Ron and I have the communal copy of 1 Night in Paris. I think Icon's got it this week, and he's mailing back to Ron next week.

It's not all of your fault. You just need a few things on your team. An offensive line. The real Edgerrin James, that crackish-looking fucker that used to talk shit while holding Peyton's balls. Uninjured wide recievers would help. Oh, and for you to stop rushing the ball to the recievers. While you guys are at it, a kicker might not be a bad idea, too.

To beat a team like the Bears you need balls, Matt. Until you grow the balls needed in the NFL like Vince Young did against the Skins, you're going to have to get used to this futility. Vince needed that ass-stomping by the Cowboys to man up. To see T.O. Riverdancing across the field while the Tardtans could only watch. Let's hope you do the same.

With Regards,

James Richard Brown

Lamar Thomas fired after exceeding FCC dumbassery quota.

Lamar Thomas, better known as the douchebag color commentator in the Miami/FIU brawl video, has finally been fired by Comcast Sports Southeast (CSS), the network that hired him to do their games. This comes a good day and a half after the NCAA suspended 31 players for the brawl, which proves that the only institution slower and crappier than the NCAA is Comcast.

Of course, for those of you with Comcast, that's no surprise.

"Now, that's what I'm talking about," Ron, the head of the website said as the brawl raged out of control and Thomas' dumbassery overtook him. "You come onto my TV acting like that, you should get your behind fired. You don't come onto the TV saying that stuff. You're across the Southeast over there. You're across the nation. You can't come onto network TV talking noise like that. You'll get your butt fired. I was about to go down the interstate to get in that booth."

Ron was later fired for his comments.

New Rules for October 16, 2006

Time to steal Rich’s gimmick with some New Rules. This is my first shot at this, so I hope it goes well. If it doesn’t, forget you ever read this.

New Rule—If you’re going to start a fight, FIU, you damn well better finish it. While FIU did get more players suspended than the U, the U also was the first team to kick when guys were down, use a helmet as a weapon, dole out body slams, and attack helpless special teams players. That being said, Miami still should’ve had an easier time fighting off their cross-town rivals

New Rule The downfall of the Oakland Raiders and the downfall of The U (most popular major: thugganomics) seem inextricably linked. Perhaps some sort of exchange program is necessary to rethug these programs. Something has to be done about this, it’s just not football if the Raiders are as meek as kittens and the U can’t outfight Florida International University. Time to either start raiding the prisons or…

How to Fix The Raiders, The SB Way : Part One

So, the Alameda County Correctional Facility Raiders are possibly the shittiest team in the National Football League.

I'm not trying to make fun of the Raiders. Let's be honest, I used to like the ol' Silver and Black Prison Camp. I fell in love with them back when Howie Long had long hair. I remember when Lyle Alzado was so 'roided up that he couldn't keep from getting ejected from the game. Of course, we now know the price he paid for that.

So, seriously. It seems that Al's living in the past. He thinks he's the end all and be all as far as the Silver and Black goes.

If you want my opinion, he's the biggest part of the problem. An old man who won't accept change. You've got millions of stories about this, but here's a modern version of it. So, in a non-mocking way, here's how to fix the Oakland Raiders in as short time as can be done.

The Suck Train that is John Cena.

John Cena busted a phat freestyle in the pages of USA Weekend as part of his interview. Here it is, in all its lame glory.

This is John Cena, WWE, bear witness
"Flex" magazine, cover, Mr. Fitness
Eat your protein bars and drink your shakes up
I'm gettin' money, 'bout to get the cake up
Fatigue hat, camo' to the background
Comin' up, I'm Raw, but I still SmackDown,
Your face got the bass killin' in the beat
This is a cappella, still my name's spillin' in the street
Yeah, that's right, this is John Cena and we leakin'
Read the publication USA WEEKEND

I don't even have to provide any jokes for this one. His 'freestyles' have always been a joke; this just further cements his whiteness.

Hey, remember how I said Miami didn't have enough thugs?

So remember how I said Miami didn't have enough criminals? This fight is all the evidence that you should need to prove me right. I mean, this is prison-orange The U and Florida International University. In the olden days, they'd be dragging dead FIU players off the field for this shit, but now it's just a gay group-grope.

Miami doesn't even START the fight I mean sure, they're the first guys to use their helmets as weapons, but that's only after FIU hands them their collective ass in the legitimate fight portion of the scrum. Seriously, I think FIU's coach kicked more ass than Miami's players did, without the benefit of the finest animal growth hormone money can buy.

Sorry, Larry. I hate to say it, but you're out at the end of the year. Your players just weren't savage enough.

Edit 12:15AM: 31 total players suspended, 13 from the U and 18 from FIU. Like I said, this is a disgrace for Miami. They can't even get more players suspended than FIU!

Let's go all around.

Normally, Miss Jaime Sue would be getting this, but I've been slacking, and the poor girl isn't feeling too well lately. So, I've got it for her. I won't have her charm, but you didn't expect that from me, now did you?

Ron's favorite punter, Todd "Resisting Arrest" Sauerbrun no longer has a job with the Broncos. After Todd's run ins with a four game suspension on using Romo's favorite dietary supplements, he loses his job to a 2 year player named Paul Ernster. Good luck finding a team that'll be suited to your criminal talents. Trying to shank Cincinattica's punter might get you shanked, Todd.

Steve Lyons falls into the same bread line that Todd's in. Only Steve went off the deep end and insulted my heritage by making a crack to Lou Pinella about wallet stealing. So long, Psycho. You sucked in everything you do. Now only if you'd take "Douchebag" Joe Buck and Tim "The Memphis Blowhard" McCarver with you.

Jerry Porter's gold fronted mouth finally wrote a check that his overpaid ass can't cash. Al finally lost it and gave Porter the T.O. vacation for the next month. In other news, nobody wants Porter. Not even the Titans or Houston. Both teams decided they sucked enough with the thugs they do have without adding another leech. Personally, after parking in the old man's spot, I'm suprised they didn't already let him go or be Al's manservant...

Finally, I think I found Ron's dream woman. There's a show on ESPN called, "Get Wild with Cindy Garrison." Basically this woman that's pretty much pretty damn hot is going around the world hunting dangerous game. As you see, Cindy's story here. C'mon, Ron. Jump on that. She's blonde, hot, and has enough guns to make you jizz.

That's all I've got. Hopefully, I won't do this again, but you never know...

Let's See if Terrell Puts This on the Fridge: An Open Letter to T.O.

Dear Terrell Owens


For the longest amount of time, I can’t remember when and I don’t feel like looking it up, whenever professional football has been on the television, so have you. Every fucking day it is something to do with you. I honestly believe that at night when you are watching the television and you see a story about yourself you do the following: Cue up the Barry White, get the lotion out, and go off to a happy place with yourself…

It gets worse, trust me.

New Rules for October 14, 2006

Alright, kids. I've been this past week without anything funny. The trend will probably continue as we speak. Rule time!

New Rules:

As our Spindoctor just stated, ice packs and morons do not mix. The Steelers will have to suck up that pain this season because some fuckers can't understand that you don't fall asleep with an icepack on you.

When the Cincinattica Bengals and the North Tijuana SuperConvicts play on November 12th, the following will need to come: The San Diego County Sheriff's Department with loading vans to let the players for the visiting team onto the field, Cincinattica's Police Work-Release Program to escort the Bungle Convicts out onto the field, the National Guard, Ed Hochuli (with Gunz) to defend most of the players in his actual job outside of the NFL, Johnny Cochran's corpse to call it all an outrage, The UN Peacekeeping Corps, possibly the Chinese military with shoot to kill orders, and Jim Rome to ridicule the whole fucking thing.

Stephen Jackson was arrested this past week for his involvement in a fight. Seems the fucker violated parole, again. So, along with Ohio, happy hour is cancelled for the Pacers and the Colts (Just covering my bases.) in Indiana.

Detroit might actually sweep the A's. Attention Michigan National Guard: Get out the AKs, fuckers. It's going to get critical.

Me-O is upgraded to a category 4 pussy this week. However, Vanderjagtass is still a category 1 now that his pussy healed properly.

Speaking of Me-O, I don't give a flying fuck about Little T. Big T's bad enough. How long before he starts throwing tantrums to Coach Billy about Drewie B throwing only to Terry G?

To the Yankees fans, Rogers isn't choking. Guess like everyone else who left NYC, he's doing a lot better now. Let's see if A-Rod agrees later on next season...

On that same note, next World Series miss, Torre shouldn't be on any chopping block. Instead, throw Cashman off of the Empire State Building, Boss. The person he lands near wins a million dollar contract from the Yankees.

The Cards aren't choking at the moment like Ron predicted. Get the duct tape and bottle water ready. If Kim Jong Il the Kook isn't gonna kill us, this might.

Seems the Madden Choke Curse is extending to both teams that play in the Super Bowl. Big Ben has a lower QB rating than Charlie Batch. Just saying...

Also, when a punk ass white boy is started in front of you, that's your cue to get better, Daunte.

Next time you have a thought, Adam Jones, I meant Punkman, fuck I meant Pacman. Anyways, next time you have a thought, Adam Jones, let it go. While you're at it, cut your dreads. You look like a mini version of Mark Henry. And he looks like a bastardized version of the Predator without the talent and fighting skills.

I have the perfect candiates for the World Series of Dice, the entire AFC South minus Indy, there's more thugs in that Division than in Oakland, North Tijuana, or Cincinattica. The top 10 in that series gets reshuffled to the said teams. The non-thugs go to the AFC South. Got it?

Finally, to be fair, the NFL should reshuffle the schedule just this once. Put the Titans against the Raiders. We'll see which team Roger needs to buy for contraction. Somebody has to win, because they don't entirely believe in a tie. Or do they...

All I've got, I'll do better next time.

Ice Pack - 1, Pittsburgh Steelers - 0

Hey everybody, the doctor is in.

Since this is my first posting, I should introduce myself to the crowd. I'm known to many as Spindoctor, but I'll go by Spinler on here. I may not be the funniest of contributers, but I can throw the punches with the best of 'em. My major sports interests are Major League Baseball, the NFL, College Football, College Basketball, and International Soccer (the MLS blows). I would have to say I am a huge Minnesota Twins fan, which was helped by growing up in Minnesota. You may have noticed that I seem to comment a lot about Wyoming and the Mountain West, and this is cause its easier for me to comment on what I know and after spending 5 years "at altitude," it's what I am most familiar with. I have since moved into Pac-10 country, and let's just say, the grass isn't any greener here.

Now, enough about me and onto the real reason for the posting...

The defending Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers have a new nemesis this week, and it isn't the Kansas City Chiefs. Who might it be, you ask?

Well, it's not a who, but a what, and the what is none other than an ice pack. Steelers starting RG Kendall Simmons will be out for Sunday's game against the Chiefs because he got frostbite, in October! This peculiar injury occured when Simmons placed a "cooling device" on his foot to relieve a previous, non-gametime missing injury. He then managed to fall asleep with the device on his foot. He is listed as being out with an ice burn to his foot. How embarrassing must this be, not only for Simmons, but for the trainers of the Steelers as well. I guess the ice pack has finally gained its revenge on athletes.

This news made me want to investigate some of the other injuries that professional athletes have suffered off of the field that occured in strange ways. I will take excerpts from a list of injuries to professional baseball players that I found on

*Clint Barmes (Colorado Rockies) - Broke his collarbone when he fell down the stairs carrying deer meat into his apartment.

*Ken Griffey Jr. (Seattle Mariners) - Griffey once missed a game after suffering a pinched testicle from his protective cup.

*Rickey Henderson (Toronto Blue Jays) - Missed several games because of frostbite…in August…caused by falling asleep on an ice pack. Funny how Simmons didn't learn his lesson from Rickey.

*Sammy Sosa (Chicago Cubs) - Missed a game after throwing out his back…while sneezing.

And one from the NFL...

*The great Roger Craig (San Francisco 49ers) - Cut his hand…while undoing a bra strap. Awesome.

The OC: Original Clarett

Way back when, Rich and I did a little article called “The Maurice Clarett Memorial Mug-Shot Top 10.” We had fun with a few guys, cracked a few jokes, and a good time was had by all (well, everyone who wasn’t killed, robbed, or beaten by the miscreants mentioned in the post). Unfortunately, we left off one person. Hell, we should’ve named the award after this guy, but he slipped our minds because it’s been a few years since he reminded us just how crazy he is.

Lawrence Phillips' mugshot

Ladies and Gentlemen: I present to you Mr. Lawrence Phillips. That’s right, he’s back and crazier than ever! Boy, how we’ve missed him, too.

Gilbert Arenas is the good crazy.

Y'know, I think I liked Gilbert Arenas before, but after reading this Esquire interview, I know I like that man. He might be nuttier than squirrel shit, but he's a good kind of nutty. The kind of crazy I can get behind, and not the TO kind of team-destroying crazy.

Maybe I like him more after reading this because he reminds me of myself. I'm not sure. I recommend you read the whole article, which is told in pseudo-psychological evaluation style and thusly, is very entertaining.

Either way, here's a few quotes I dig from the man below the cut.

Miami vs Miami

I love the fact that because of Miami of Ohio, the University of Miami has to go by Miami (FL) on score tickers. There's just something about one of the largest football schools/prisons in the southern United States having to change its name in order not to be confused with a small-town college in Oxford, Ohio that thrills me to no end. Maybe it's democracy in action, or maybe it's just a rare comeuppance for The U.

The best part is they have to do this because you never know which Miami might be playing Bowling Green, Middle Tennessee State University, or Akron on a given week. Both rough up mediocre opposition in weaker conferences and both get clobbered by bigger and better programs, but that's about where the similarities stop between the two teams. I mean, the two teams could not be farther apart when it comes to their program status.

One team plays with class and dignity, and the other team plays in Florida.

Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits

There’s a new race for NFL supremacy being played out right now, but it’s not one of the obvious battles. No, it’s in addition to all those battles for divisional crowns, playoff berths, and bragging rights over longtime rivals. It’s not the battle for the Brady Quinn sweepstakes. Hell, it’s not even the battle currently being waged between Ben Roethlisberger and Brett Favre for most interceptions in a season.

This is a race between the San Diego Chargers and the Cincinnati Bengals to see which team can have the most arrests during the season. “The Chargers?” you might be asking yourself. “Since when were they in Cincinnattica’s league?”

Since they went all out, brother.

John Cena Has Mad Skills, Yo

Not only is John Cena the greatest freestyler on the planet, but he also is the greatest technical wrestler and probably the most skilled at following directions.

Yeah. I'm a fucking liar sometimes. I know.

Cory Lidle 1972-2006

Cory Lidle did his best Thurman Munson impression today. No, not the part where Thurman Munson was an all-star catcher, I meant the part where Cory Lidle crashed an airplane and killed himself.

Well, himself and three other people, who were apparently inside the luxury high-rise condo that Lidle crashed into.

You know that had to be a horrible moment for New Yorkers, considering the first thing I saw when I turned on ESPN to watch "Around the Horn" was a burning high-rise building in Manhattan. It seems crass to be thankful that it was just a freak accident, but consider what it could've been.

He played for 7 Major League teams over 9 seasons, with a career record of 82-72, with a 4.57 ERA. He leaves behind a wife and a child. Our sympathies go out to his family and teammates.

EDIT: 5:34 PM - The story so far is Lidle and a passenger died in the crash, and two people in the building were injured. Lidle is confirmed dead.

EDIT: 12:15 AM - The passenger was Lidle's flight instructor.

Oh thank heaven!

In an ingenious sponsorship move, the Chicago White Sox have announced that they will start all weeknight regular season home games at 7:11 PM for the 2006-07 season. The sponsor for this move from the normal start time of 7:07, obviously, is the 7-Eleven chain of convenience stores. Clever, huh?

I think it’s very clever (much better than the projected Spider Man webbing MLB tried in the preseason) and it’s only the beginning of a series of synergistic alliances between 7-Eleven and the White Sox. The two brands have more in common than one might think. Let’s run down future cross branding opportunities, shall we?

Let's go Plummering

I was reading The Mighty MJD’s Sunday Smorgasbord from Week 4, and I came across this little tidbit that I’m posting up here just for Jaime Sue. She’s been under the weather for a few days, so here’s a quote that I know will cheer her up.

"And Vince Young Plummers a pass for a Cowboys TD. Plummer is a new verb, by the way… it means to throw a pass that was completely unnecessary and has almost no benefit that ends up in the hands of a defender and results in a touchdown for the defense. To be successful, Vince Young must limit his Plummering."

Yankee fallout time!

So, now that the postseason for the Yankees is at an end. Let's evaluate everything we've been presented. The ESPN talking heads show, folks.

Boss discussed pulling the trigger on firing Torre.

Pinella discussed for the job, instead opts for Washington...

That's page 1. I think the guys on page 2 tell the truth a lot better.

Fuck Jeter, trade him. Not A-Rod

Gallo's humorous take on why A-Rod wasn't at fault, really.

And even Gene weighs in on something I've told Ron.

Blame "Yosemite Sam" Steinbrenner.

You think I'm taking the high road? Aww, hell no.

Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears...

In honor of the Chicago Bears (or Chicawgo Bearssss if you're from there) rolling up their record to 5-0 for the first time since 1986, I present to you these classic Saturday Night Live skit.

The Indy 500

Jordan and Da Superfans

Two teams enter, one team leaves.

Well, Rich was wrong (are we surprised?).

Looks like the Cards have delayed their inevitable choking for the NLCS, instead of wasting it on the relatively meaningless NLDS. Kudos to Tony LaRussa for waiting just a few games longer to completely shit the bed and mismanage his team right out of the post-season. Our future is set, and it's Mets Vs. Cardinals.

That's right, we have one team that used to have pitching but now has nothing thanks to injuries and oldness, versus a team that never really had pitching to begin with. Two teams, no pitching... who will win?! It's like Thunderdome, only with less killing and every game ending with a score in double-digits.

The end is nigh, people...

The Cards choke, and the Padres are still in the NLDS. Bet you Cards fans saw that one coming. Even Stevie Wonder saw that shit coming. The Cards are more inconsistent than a man who's cheating on his wife coming up with a good story.

The Yankees are going to become the joke of the century. Which one? That age old joke you say for overpriced and underachieving teams. "What do you call a group of millionares sitting at home watching the World Series?" Your answer, "The New York Yankees."

The Tigers pretty much let Jeremy Bonderman go eight and a third innings with few runs, and only one score to show for it. In a jaded town like Detroit, that gets you a standing O. The Yankees played the Shell Game with all their pitchers hoping one would keep the Tigers down. Nothing worked for the Yankees since game 2. By the time you read this, half of Detroit will be burned in celebration. Let's not even talk about what they'll do if they win the ALCS...

By the time you read this, the Mets will be trying to avoid playing five games, if the Dodgers manage not to choke it up like Ron's predicting.

In the words of Fatass Lasorda...

Fly, fatass, fly!


Nomar's freak injury surprises absolutely no one.

Dodgers first baseman Nomar Garciaparra, one of the top stories of the year in the National League and a top pick for comeback player of the year, played in 122 of 162 games this year, the most contests he’s taken part in since 2003, rebounding from injuries that limited him to 52 games last season with the Cubs.

Without a doubt, Nomar’s clutch performance with the team has won him many fans, both in the stands and in the clubhouse. The resurgent first baseman is one of the catalysts behind the Dodgers playoff run, and he has proven to be a selfless teammate.

“Thanks to Nomar waiting until the postseason to get injured,” Manager Grady Little said on Thursday, “Now we’ve got a convenient excuse for when we inevitably get bounced by the Mets.”

“That’s just Nomar being Nomar,” said center fielder/crotchety old man Kenny Lofton: “Thanks to Nomar’s clutch injury, maybe people won’t notice that in eight at bats, I’ve got no hits and have struck out four times. Or that I’m too old to play in the outfield.”

Added Lofton: “Now get off my lawn, you damn whipper-snapper!”

Steve Trachsel, Saturday's probable starter for the Mets, was quoted as saying, "Wow, I can't believe I'm still in the majors! Sweet!"

Dodgers shortstop Rafael Furcal had no comment, as he was passed out drunk in the locker room floor after getting into a case of leftover celebration champagne.

Stephen Jackson loves the whores.

Per ESPN: Stephen Jackson of the Indiana Pacers was slugged in the mouth, struck by a car and fired a gun in the air in self-defense outside a strip club early Friday, police said.

Words cannot explain my lack of surprise. Pick your own joke here, folks:

1.) The Cincinnattica Bengals have expressed interest in signing Jackson

2.) Jackson plans to join Ron Artest and 50 Cent on a world tour

3.) Chris Henry was quoted as saying, “Sorry about that, dawg. I was out partying with Odell and Koren again, and we had JJ Reddick be our designated driver.”

4.) “The only thing I ever put in somebody’s mouth at a strip club was my cock. It’s also the only thing I ever shot into the air at a strip club, too,” Patrick Ewing said after that stripper took the dollar bill from his mouth without using her hands.

5.) For once, Stephen Jackson was the victim of trouble, not the instigator.

Perry Ballard: Middleweight Champion & Nice Guy Emeritus

Just when you think everyone in boxing is a scumbag or an idiot, you hear about a guy like Perry Ballard. The middleweight champion of some organization called the World Boxing Empire, Ballard put aside his 18 1 record and demonstrated something even more impressive in a boxer, selflessness. Normally boxers think only about themselves, but Ballard went out of his way to help out the less fortunate.

Ballard, you see, chased down, tackled, and restrained a robber who had stolen $473 from a taxi driver. The only flaw in the whole evening was that Ballard didn’t demonstrate his power (14 knockouts in 19 fights) by popping the guy a few times while he had him restrained. That's good citizenship, kids.

I guess Ballard really is a nice guy, even to people who deserve a good beating.

The Thirsty Traveler: Koren Robinson

In a shocking development, Koren Robinson was sentenced for yet another DUI. In other shocking news (possibly heralding the end times), the Texans can’t block anyone, the sun rose this morning, and fish can’t breathe out of water. Just like we predicted when K-Hole became a Packer...

Robinson appeared in Municipal Court in this Seattle suburb (Kirkland, Washington) that is home to the headquarters of his original NFL team, the Seahawks. It was the same court in which he pleaded guilty last year to drunken driving.

At the time, Robinson was given a five-year sentence that was suspended on the condition he not drink or have any other law violations.

Of course, then he goes and has another DUI. That means K-Hole is gonna get cornholed in the pokey, right? Of course not. Cue the outrage.

New Rules for October 4, 2006.

Alright, I'm falling behind on New Rules. Considering that my POS DSL modem is back in some capacity, it's time to terrorize you unlucky people. So, time to vent on the weeks that were.

New Rules:

Ohio is no longer allowed to serve drinks at any hour to the Cincinattica Bengals. Especially to Odell Thurman or Chris Henry.

The NFLPA is actually making sense. Now if only those cocksuckers would help out the retired players, and while you guys are on that kick, get rid of Upshaw (or at least gag the fucker).

There's a reason why the A's are on a roll. They're the rowdy frat boys of MLB. It'll take the Tigers or the Yanks to shut them up for good.

Cut the shit about a subway series. The Evil Empire still has to take out the Tigers. The Mets have to take out the Dodgers. Trust me, both aren't as easy as everyone thinks.

ESPN needs the NHL back. How many times do I really need to see the fucking World Series of Poker? Poker is NOT A SPORT! Hockey is. It might be boring as flies fornicating on a sidewalk, but it's a more legitimate sport than poker (Sorry, Matt Guzzetta.) It's sad that the Versus Network might beat you guys in ratings at the rate you're going.

The following NFL teams need to follow the example of the high school in Michigan who cancelled after a 0 for 4 season: Detroit, Oakland, Tennessee, and Tampa Bay. There is hope for the bubble team Cleveland. Not much, though. You only beat Oakland, and that HS team in Michigan could've done that, too.

The following NFL teams need to draft actual linemen in the next draft, or risk having the front office shot: Detroit, Tampa Bay, Oakland, Tennessee.

Chris Simms has achieved a level of maniliness only seen by Ronnie "Cut My God Damn Finger Off!" Lott. If Gruden had a pocket knife handy, he and Simms might've removed the spleen themselves with said pocket knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Jason "Ed" Grimsley and reports do not mix, ever. And the NY Times hasn't been a reputable paper, ever. Let's all take a breath and realize that the Rocket isn't juiced. Just fucking fat. The same goes for Howard, Ortiz, and Frank Thomas.

The Yankees have something missing from their team dynamic. A lovable fat ass. Not since the Babe, have they had one. Get Ortiz if you need one, Boss.

The Detroit Red Wings fans have to realize something. Detroit is older than Methuselah. All of them. The Central Divison is going to NASHVILLE. Choke on that one, or at least go into the usual mob violence that you usually pull when Jimmy Kimmel pisses you off.

Ben Wallace going to Chicago might be a good thing. Put 'Sheed at center, and you have a guy who can shoot free throws. Let's face it, Ben resembled another man who can't shoot: Shaq. And Shaq had a team that made him better than he really is.

To the NBA players complaining about the new ball: Stop! The ball is stickier for a reason; all of you sweat like Mark Foley during a Junior High School Boys Basketball game. Try the ball in the games. If you don't like it after this season, tough shit. Take it up the ass like you did with the dress code. I feel sorry for none of you.

Finally, this goes to Shanny. Grow some balls. Start Jay Cutler. Jake the Fake is only going to get worse, or possibly get himself killed. And for the love of God, start Culter against a cream-puff team. Like around the 15th, because anyone can beat Oakland.

That's all for this week. If I've offended anyone, there's an X on the right hand for Windows users, or the red button for you smarter Mac users who understand how to not be a Windows lamer. I use neither...

"I want his heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah."

Many moons ago, Rich announced the launch of the Mike Tyson Ass-Beating World Tour, but since then more details have surfaced regarding just how far the mighty Iron Mike has fallen.

"If I don't get out of this financial quagmire there's a possibility I may have to be a punching bag for somebody," Tyson said Thursday at a news conference in Youngstown, Ohio. "The money I make here isn't going to help any of my bills really from a tremendous standpoint, but I'm going to feel better about myself. I'm not going to be depressed."

So in order to avoid being somebody’s punching bag, Mike Tyson’s… going to be somebody’s punching bag? Sounds like the last thing Mike needs is to be punched in the head some more.

Hits & Shits--Week 4

Sorry for skipping last week, gang. In all the excitement over T.O. attempting to Hendrix himself, I got a little distracted. Every time I sat down to hash out the week, something else came up and got in the way. That’s my bad, since I know how much you all look forward to my long-but-funny recap.

Week Four (or Week 4) continued what has been a pretty significant football trend over the young season. Eight of the week’s 14 games were decided by a touchdown or less, including Sunday’s overtime game between the Redskins and Jaguars. Despite the NFL’s terrible overtime system, in which the coin flip basically decides the game, the League has been really entertaining. There’ll be blowouts, sure, but with professional football and parity, you’re more likely going to see tough contests than you’d see at the college level. When every game counts, everyone steps up their games.

Unless, of course, you’re an Oakland Raider.

The Titans learn a new defensive play...

Let's sing, shall we.?

Albert the Retard, has a ten pound water head
He came to me and said with glee,
"I face washed that faggot, ha ha!"


Just because Joe Seannoa does it (Samoa Joe, for the slow), doesn't mean it's a cool move to put on the football field. I think Joe might doing that move stop thanks to your retarded ass, Al.

Here's the prize that Albie gets, kids. Five game suspension, possible assault and battery charges, and probably might never play for Jeff Fisher (or the the NFL) again. Goodell is pissed. Fisher is pissed. The Tuna is homocidal.

Let's also top that off with NFLPA President and brain damaged former lineman, Gene Upshaw, possibly filing an appeal. God, we've got a fucking mess. So, I'm going to say this just once to Gene Upshaw, don't even call Goodell with an appeal statement. Just don't. File that appeal and we will dog you until the ends of the fucking earth for this. Besides, Gene-boy. Is this the image you want for your Players Union...

I'd hope not.

Roger Clemens = Clancy Wiggum?

Baseball has a steroids problem. Or more accurately, steroids have a baseball problems. Now, the story is pretty boring at this point, because everyone who laced up from about 1978 until last year is suspected as a juicer of Bondsian absurdity and as such, nobody will ever take the game and the accomplishments of an entire generation of players seriously. So to spice up this boring ass story about the unshocking revelation of major leaguers suspected of juicing, I’ll throw in as many “Simpsons” refernces into this story as I possibly can, as well as a couple of “Monty Python” references and a SNL Martin Short reference.

Jason "Ed" Grimsley's leaked affidavit names players such as Miguel "Bumblebee Man" Tejada, Roger "The Shrubber" Clemens, Brian "of Aramathea" Roberts, Andy "hard to make fun of a guy who is already named Andy" Pettitte, David “Dr. Hibbert” Segui, and Jay "Helper Monkey" Gibbons as users of performance-enhancing substances. Not just Simpson & Son Revitalizing Tonic or Dimoxinil, either.

Let's get ready to watch a Russian kill a Black Man...

For those of us who have this macrabe sense of entertainment, which happens to be this entire staff, get their wish for somebody possibly dying in the ring. This weekend, HBO Boxing gives us the freak show of the 21st Centruy.

What's the freak show I mention? All 7 foot even of Nikolai "The Russian Giant" Valuev vs. all 6 foot 3 of Monte' "Two Gunz" Barrett. Let's start the death poll for the end of 2006, kids.

Who the hell in their right minds among the retards of HBO thought this was a good fucking idea? I could give you about 7 feet and a 44-0 record on why it's a very bad idea.

The ARCA Fight Revisited

I know you've all seen this video, probably more than once, but it really bears repeating as many times as it can be repeated. This is an affair of sheer brilliance from step 1 to the very end. Really, it's a comedy of errors.

First, he thinks he can do a flying dropkick through the window of a fucking NASCAR-level vehicle (which leads directly to my favorite part, him landing squarely on his assbone. Then he takes off his helmet and tries to hit another guy (wearing full safety gear) in the face with it, as if his helmet was somehow stronger than the other guy's headgear. Everything after that is kind of icing on the sumo-waddling cake.

Michael Simko and Don St. Denis, everybody! Let's hope they haven't bred and never will.