The Pink and Black Attack
Thats right, girls; now you can support your boyfriend's favorite team while still looking like you know nothing about sports by wearing a shirt so gay that even Richard Simmons will fag-bash you for it! Fellas, you can buy your lady something sparkly and pretty without embarrassing yourself in the ladies lingerie department of your local department store (they still havent forgiven you for the mannequin incident, anyway).
Thats where East Bay comes in, with these fetchingly tapered and bejeweled jerseys for the fairer sex. Well, at least the ones who arent built like nose tackles. The NFL Fashions Glitter line of clothing gives you all the fun of a womans football jersey, without actually making you buy one of the real replica womens jerseys available! Who needs pewter, black, and white when you can have pink, crocus, mint, and guava!
But dont take my word for it, lets talk to the athletes, coaches, and team officials themselves!
"Bitch, enjoy this Ron Mexico jersey. It's as pink and white as the pus-discharge from your pussyhole will be after tonight." Michael Vick
"I authorized this Derrick Brooks jersey for the same reason I started Derrick Brooks Charities, to fuck me a lot of single mothers. I loves me the MILFs! Derrick Brooks
Finally, a jersey less lame than our real jerseys! Id wear this with pride! Gay pride! Jake Delhomme
Sometimes, you just have to get the mother of your interracial baby in a four-point stance, and this outfit will remind her that you want your mike linebacker head down ass up. Brian Urlacher
Let your baby wear Larry Johnson while youre introducing her to your hairy Johnson. Hit that hole hard, son! Larry Johnson
Almost as pink, tight, and glittery as Jake Plummers real wardrobe! Jay Cutler
Learn from my Mistake on the Lake, and always pull out. Kellen Winslows dad, Kellen Winslow.
Originally this was a prototype for the new UNC basketball jerseys, but I overpaid for it on the free agency uniform market. Jerry Jones
Oh snap! The Cowboys Roy Williams girlie jersey looks like my regular jersey! Hmm I wonder if they could add some ice to my kit, too. Football uniforms dont have enough bling, even with the silver pants. Roy Williams (Lions edition)
"We went with bright colors and rhinestones on this jersey in the hopes that the other teams would stop running him over and start feeling sorry for David Carr." - Gary Kubiak
"Ahh, I see they gave Alex Smith Jeff Garcia's old practice jersey." T.O.
"The pink Tom Brady jersey, because I think all us New England fans regardless of sex fantasize about The World's Dreamiest Quarterback. Goat not included." Bill Simmons
"Buy your girl this Ben Roethlisberger jersey, because she can't take a shot to the head either." Chauncey Davis
With this pink McNabb jersey, your girl is guaranteed to suck until she chokes, too." - T.O.
Im the only member of my team allowed to be within 500 feet of the ladys dressing room at Target. Darren Sharper
"Why Zach Thomas? Because the rest of my team fucking sucks." Nick Saban
"The only difference between your lady and Chad Pennington in this fetching mint green jersey is that your lady can throw the deep out." Herm Edwards
Pick your lady up the Peyton jersey. Thats P-E-Y. Sometimes when youre lined up under center and youre staring down at your girlfriends nethers, you just get the urge to call a backdoor audible at the line of scrimmage. Anal! Check it to anal! Peyton Manning
The Eli Manning jersey is for the girlfriend of a man who doesnt go limp when the pressures on. Talk about a coming from behind victory. Eli Manning
The Clinton Portis jersey, resplendent in yellow and rhinestones, is a thing of magnificent beauty. Sheriff Gonna Getcha
Ow, my knee! Damn you, John Madden! Shaun Alexander
I havent decided one way or another if I like this jersey yet. I mean, I like it, but at the same time Im not sure I like it. Granted, your wife might be kind of over the hill. Maybe shes not as lithe and mobile as she once way. Maybe shes had a few problems over the years with taking too many pills and not exactly keeping the ball away from the other team. Maybe shes not at her best anymore, but neither are you. What other option do you have? Somebodys gotta keep dinner on the table, and somebodys gotta give the fans a reason to show up to the games. Brett Farve
They couldnt have found a way to keep the orange kitty stripes motif on this jersey, too? I mean, I kind of liked feeling like a big pussy. Carson Palmer
Guaranteed to get you filled out like an application form by Darth Raider and the rest of the Black Hole gang. Randy Moss
I can understand the urge to support your favorite team while still wanting to be a woman. I understand that maybe a traditional jersey is too boxy for your flowing feminine curves. Thats why you wear one of those skin-tight Under Armor pieces in your team color, or get a normal womens fit jersey, or buy a fucking teeshirt.
Even though these women's jerseys are as colorful and impressive as the Easter Bunny's vomit after a meal of broken glass, I wont be too harsh, because at least youre not pulling a Brady Quinns sister.