Last night at the end of the third quarter, I sent an instant message to Jaime Sue, asking her if the Bears could come back and win the game. The Bears, at this point, were down 20. She said no, they couldn’t. Now I’m not rubbing it in or anything, because the poor girl’s got enough problems living in Broncos territory and being a Chargers fan. I’m just trying to establish that I’m not as dumb as my posting icon/”Hacksaw” Jim Duggan impersonation might suggest that I am.

All that being said, the Cardinals put in a lot of work to make me look good, and I thank them for that one. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here, and your Oakland Raiders would be hands down the worst team in football. As it stands, they’re significantly better than the Raiders. Why?

Because the Cardinals have a sexy new stadium with movable turf. How cool of an invention is that? They can move the whole field outside to get sun, then bring it back inside when the Bidwells realize that they built their stadium in a desert and Arizona’s average daytime temperature of 312 degrees is generally bad for greenery, no matter how well-watered it may be. Seriously, it’s a swank setup, and it’s a damn shame they can’t get a real NFL team to use it as their home stadium.

The Hot Shit: Pittsburgh Steelers—Boy, I’m glad I never wrote a Week 5 wrap up, because I was about ready to call for Ben Roethlisberger to sit in the corner and think about how much he sucked while turning the Steelers’ reigns over to Charlie Batch. Ben would’ve totally made me look stupid as he lead the Steelers to a 45 7 clubbering of the Kansas Shitty Chiefs. Not that it’s hard to murder the Chiefs, mind you. All you need are a few smallpox blankets and some whiskey, but with the way Roethlisberger’s season is going up until now, he would’ve caught the smallpox and died from exposure after getting bombed on Jim Beam.

The way Ben’s season is going, there’s still plenty of time for him to receive a visit from the Monday Night Football Trophy Skank herself, Paris Hilton, and catch himself a dose of Rick Pitino’s mystery urological ailment. Ben better start wrapping himself in bubble wrap and thank his God of choice that he doesn’t have to line up across from the hate crime that is the Pittsburgh Steelers defense.

Cold, Frothy Diarrhea: Arizona Cardinals—Congratulations, Arizona! Not only have you set several NFL records for futility, Matt Leinart also brought back The Howard Dean Scream. This has to be one of the most impressive come-from-ahead losses in the history of come-from-ahead losses.

It’s football’s version of the Kentucky LSU college basketball game from February 15, 1994, in which Kentucky rallied from a 31 point deficit with 15:34 remaining to win 99-95. It was like some unholy version of “The Comeback,” except the team that came back to upend the opposition had no offense whatsoever. The Bears proved Monday that it’s better to be lucky than good, but your best bet is to be both.

Way to suck, Arizona. You set the limbo bar even lower for future terrible teams and nearly killed Dennis Green in the process. All the half hearted lousy Hilton mouthjobs in the world won’t erase the sting of this loss. YEARGH!

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1. The Fake LT—LaDainian Tomlinson must be out of his damn mind! He had an impressive 21 carries for 74 yards and 7 catches for 64 yards, but what stands out is his 4 touchdown day. That’s right, four touchdowns on the ground, including a Superman-style flying touchdown leap that was more up into the air than it was out over the defense. Truly a thing of beauty by the guy who is fast approaching Legitimate LT status. In six seasons, he’s broken the team touchdown record. Yeah, he can be the next LT. I’ll go that far.

2. Travis Henry—“Hi, I’m Travis Henry. You might remember me from such breakout seasons as 2002, where I ran for 1438 yards and 13 touchdowns. Or perhaps you know me from my follow-up hit, 2003, where I ran for 1356 yards and 10 touchdowns. After a couple of down years and some time spent at Chris Brown’s water boy, I’m back and better than ever with the Tennessee Titans. Grinding out 178 yards on 32 carries and a touchdown against the stout Washington Redskins this week and 123 yards on 19 carries last week against the Colts, I’m doing my damnedest to be the back Tennessee has needed since Eddie George retired.”

3. Denver Broncos Defense—Okay, this is starting to scare me. Five games into the season and you’ve only given up one touchdown, and that was in a game you won easily over the Patriots? The only team since Detroit in 1934 to go 5 games and only give up one touchdown? This is a team in the top 10 in every defensive category, from touchdowns allowed to rushing defense, sacks, and interceptions. Last week Jaime asked me if I thought the Broncos were really that good on defense. I think this proves my belief that yes, they are that good. They’re Baltimore in 2000 good or Tampa in 2002 good. Even with the built in handicap of Jake Plummer, these guys are Super Bowl contenders.

4. Reggie Brown—Who? Oh, just a Philly wideout who caught 6 balls for 121 yards and a touchdown (including a 60-yard gallop), and carried once for 15 yards and a touchdown. Who needs T.O., anyway? Not the Eagles, and certainly not the Cowboys. If only Philly would’ve let him wing one for a touchdown, and he could’ve joined the exclusive triple threat club.

5. Brett Favre—Favre, in a rare show of accuracy completed 100% of his passes and didn’t throw for any interceptions this Sunday. Of course, he also didn’t throw any touchdowns, either. These days, the throws you don’t make are just as important as the ones you do make, and Favre showed off surprising accuracy. Of course, he also didn’t play in Week 6, but that won’t stop me (or ESPN) from praising him until my lips go numb. You the man, Brett!

Note Despite T.O’s 3 touchdowns on 5 catches, he’ll never make this top 5 list. Unless, of course, he successfully overdoses, in which case he goes straight to #1. Until then, the best I’ll give him is honorable mention.

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1. Rex Grossman—Well Rex, your team won despite your best efforts. Still, you put up a game attempt to shoot your team in the foot with your impressive 14/37 for 148 yards, 4 interceptions, 2 fumbles, and 10.7 quarterback rating. You were passing like your name rhymed with ‘flick’ instead of Rex the Wonder QB. I know you haven’t been on Monday Night Football in years, and I know you wanted to win the Hilton Bowl for your boy 54, but next time just relax. Maybe get yourself a little pre-game STD from Paris or something so you’re not out there constantly overthrowing your receivers, or worse, throwing perfect passes to the defense.

Act like you’ve played some professional football before, even though you haven’t even completed a full 16 game season and have doubled your career starts this year. Am I a little harsh on him? Yeah, probably. He’s still a rookie, after all.

2. Edgerrin James—Rushing for 55 yards is bad. Rushing for 55 yards on 36 carries is worse. That’s 1.5 yards a carry. If you’re a back that’s 6’0, as Edge is, then when you fall forward without taking a step past the line of scrimmage, you gain a yard. If you take one step, you should gain two yards. How you fail to do this is beyond me, but if you’re going to be ineffective and eat up such a large number of plays, the least you can do for your team is to not let them take the ball from you like Brian Urlacher taking Paris Hilton away from Matt Leinart. You may as well just have handed the fucking ball to him for all the good your skinny little bird arms did to stop Man Mountan Lach.

3. Michael Vick—You know, for a guy who is supposed to be the future of the quarterback position and the fastest quarterback to ever lace up a pair of cleats, he sure spends a lot of time on his ass. Sacked 7 times and with 4 fumbles on Sunday, perhaps Vick is not the next step but a gigantic leap backwards to the glory days of football. That’s right, Vick (skin color and STDs aside) is a leap right back into the 1920’s, when the quarterback wasn’t so much a passing threat as he was a rushing and receiving threat. Take, for example, Dutch Clark and Jimmy Conzelman.

Well, Vick’s probably more of a rushing and receiving threat than he is a threat to pass from the pocket, though he is effective enough on the move. Unfortunately, there’s not a quarterback who is effective from his back with a 300lb man astride him. The only person in football effective from that position is Paris Hilton.

4. Larry Johnson—Finally, proof you don’t have to make the cover of the Madden video game to be a huge bust after a breakout year. All it takes is a changing of the guard. Well, the guards, the tackles, and the center. After a rash of retirements from their rock-solid offensive line last season, these ain’t your 2005 Chiefs and this definitely isn’t your 2005 Larry Johnson.

5. Phillip Buchanon—Wow. You got cut from the Houston Texans, a team so desperate for defensive talent that they tried to sign Reggie White’s dead body last week to beef up their defensive line. Then again, you’ve proven to be about as useful as a sieve in the secondary. I’m sure we’ll see you returning punts somewhere soon, since that’s about all you’re good for. Way to waste two draft picks, Charlie Casserly.