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This is the archive for October 2006

The Barroids Show is Leaving The Gay Bay

On wire from ESPN and the AP, Barroids is taking his heart and his horse steroids and leaving San Francisco.

Of course, Barroids is waiting until the World Series ends. Which at the rate the series isn't going, I'd say my 26th birthday is going to be before then.

To quote the AP: "Under baseball's new collective bargaining agreement, a five-year deal reached Tuesday night, there is less of a time constraint on the Giants and Bonds to get something done on a new contract.

"The previous labor agreement mandated that if the Giants had not offered Bonds arbitration by Dec. 7, they would be unable to sign him until May 1. Now, the club can still negotiate with Bonds, 42, even if it doesn't offer him arbitration by the new Dec. 1 deadline."

In the Bay, they're probably asking themselves, "Do we really want this large-headed freak with the shrunken testicles that could break Henry Aaron's record?" I'm guessing not, with the hurry they're not in.

Oh, and since everyone should know, Hank isn't showing up for the freakshow, either. Not that I'd blame him, it's literally going to be a white guy owning the record again.

A motivational speech for the Detroit Tigers

All right, so maybe the Cardinals are up 3 games to 1, thanks in no small part to the new and upcoming SportsBastards Baseball Curse, in which any team we pick to choke and die will obviously be very successful. At least we’re starting traditions on this day, our 100th total blog post.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Jade’s Fantasy Team Curse, as well. She stocked her team with Tigers, which had I known this last week, I would’ve picked the Cards in a sweep. When Jade puts a player on her fantasy playoffs roster, his performance goes in the toilet (see Zumaya, Joel).

Thanks a lot, Jade. I think you did this on purpose, just to make me look bad. I’m not going to fret until after the Cardinals prove me wrong. I mean, if the Yankees can choke away a three game lead, so can the Cardinals. After all, the Cardinals have the best choking coach in history on their bench, and Tony leads by example.

It’s up to you, Jim Leyland. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, knock back a beer, harness your inner Walter Matthau (I’ll accept Billy Bob Thornton, even), and turn those Bad News Bears of yours (from the beginning of the movie) into the Bad News Bears at the end of the movie, where they play well and don’t make dumb mistakes and errors.

Let's go out there and win this one! Not for ourselves, or for our coach who is probably growing cancerous as we speak, or for our economically-depressed city, but for Ron!



Thanks to the power of everyone's third-favorite Molina, Yadier, the Cardinals are back in the World Series. Hell of a knock for a guy who makes Bengie Molina look like Mike Piazza, I must admit.

I swear to God, they're only doing this to try to make me look dumb when I said they'd choke. It's just spite. Screw you, Tony LaRussa. You'll pull up lame in the end, thanks to a heapin' helpin' of the Marlboro Man, Jim Leyland.

He's got tumors tougher than you, LaRussa!

Cory Lidle 1972-2006

Cory Lidle did his best Thurman Munson impression today. No, not the part where Thurman Munson was an all-star catcher, I meant the part where Cory Lidle crashed an airplane and killed himself.

Well, himself and three other people, who were apparently inside the luxury high-rise condo that Lidle crashed into.

You know that had to be a horrible moment for New Yorkers, considering the first thing I saw when I turned on ESPN to watch "Around the Horn" was a burning high-rise building in Manhattan. It seems crass to be thankful that it was just a freak accident, but consider what it could've been.

He played for 7 Major League teams over 9 seasons, with a career record of 82-72, with a 4.57 ERA. He leaves behind a wife and a child. Our sympathies go out to his family and teammates.

EDIT: 5:34 PM - The story so far is Lidle and a passenger died in the crash, and two people in the building were injured. Lidle is confirmed dead.

EDIT: 12:15 AM - The passenger was Lidle's flight instructor.

Oh thank heaven!

In an ingenious sponsorship move, the Chicago White Sox have announced that they will start all weeknight regular season home games at 7:11 PM for the 2006-07 season. The sponsor for this move from the normal start time of 7:07, obviously, is the 7-Eleven chain of convenience stores. Clever, huh?

I think it’s very clever (much better than the projected Spider Man webbing MLB tried in the preseason) and it’s only the beginning of a series of synergistic alliances between 7-Eleven and the White Sox. The two brands have more in common than one might think. Let’s run down future cross branding opportunities, shall we?
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Yankee fallout time!

So, now that the postseason for the Yankees is at an end. Let's evaluate everything we've been presented. The ESPN talking heads show, folks.

Boss discussed pulling the trigger on firing Torre.

Pinella discussed for the job, instead opts for Washington...

That's page 1. I think the guys on page 2 tell the truth a lot better.

Fuck Jeter, trade him. Not A-Rod

Gallo's humorous take on why A-Rod wasn't at fault, really.

And even Gene weighs in on something I've told Ron.

Blame "Yosemite Sam" Steinbrenner.

You think I'm taking the high road? Aww, hell no.
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Two teams enter, one team leaves.

Well, Rich was wrong (are we surprised?).

Looks like the Cards have delayed their inevitable choking for the NLCS, instead of wasting it on the relatively meaningless NLDS. Kudos to Tony LaRussa for waiting just a few games longer to completely shit the bed and mismanage his team right out of the post-season. Our future is set, and it's Mets Vs. Cardinals.

That's right, we have one team that used to have pitching but now has nothing thanks to injuries and oldness, versus a team that never really had pitching to begin with. Two teams, no pitching... who will win?! It's like Thunderdome, only with less killing and every game ending with a score in double-digits.

The end is nigh, people...

The Cards choke, and the Padres are still in the NLDS. Bet you Cards fans saw that one coming. Even Stevie Wonder saw that shit coming. The Cards are more inconsistent than a man who's cheating on his wife coming up with a good story.

The Yankees are going to become the joke of the century. Which one? That age old joke you say for overpriced and underachieving teams. "What do you call a group of millionares sitting at home watching the World Series?" Your answer, "The New York Yankees."

The Tigers pretty much let Jeremy Bonderman go eight and a third innings with few runs, and only one score to show for it. In a jaded town like Detroit, that gets you a standing O. The Yankees played the Shell Game with all their pitchers hoping one would keep the Tigers down. Nothing worked for the Yankees since game 2. By the time you read this, half of Detroit will be burned in celebration. Let's not even talk about what they'll do if they win the ALCS...

By the time you read this, the Mets will be trying to avoid playing five games, if the Dodgers manage not to choke it up like Ron's predicting.

In the words of Fatass Lasorda...

Fly, fatass, fly!


Nomar's freak injury surprises absolutely no one.

Dodgers first baseman Nomar Garciaparra, one of the top stories of the year in the National League and a top pick for comeback player of the year, played in 122 of 162 games this year, the most contests he’s taken part in since 2003, rebounding from injuries that limited him to 52 games last season with the Cubs.

Without a doubt, Nomar’s clutch performance with the team has won him many fans, both in the stands and in the clubhouse. The resurgent first baseman is one of the catalysts behind the Dodgers playoff run, and he has proven to be a selfless teammate.

“Thanks to Nomar waiting until the postseason to get injured,” Manager Grady Little said on Thursday, “Now we’ve got a convenient excuse for when we inevitably get bounced by the Mets.”

“That’s just Nomar being Nomar,” said center fielder/crotchety old man Kenny Lofton: “Thanks to Nomar’s clutch injury, maybe people won’t notice that in eight at bats, I’ve got no hits and have struck out four times. Or that I’m too old to play in the outfield.”

Added Lofton: “Now get off my lawn, you damn whipper-snapper!”

Steve Trachsel, Saturday's probable starter for the Mets, was quoted as saying, "Wow, I can't believe I'm still in the majors! Sweet!"

Dodgers shortstop Rafael Furcal had no comment, as he was passed out drunk in the locker room floor after getting into a case of leftover celebration champagne.

Roger Clemens = Clancy Wiggum?

Baseball has a steroids problem. Or more accurately, steroids have a baseball problems. Now, the story is pretty boring at this point, because everyone who laced up from about 1978 until last year is suspected as a juicer of Bondsian absurdity and as such, nobody will ever take the game and the accomplishments of an entire generation of players seriously. So to spice up this boring ass story about the unshocking revelation of major leaguers suspected of juicing, I’ll throw in as many “Simpsons” refernces into this story as I possibly can, as well as a couple of “Monty Python” references and a SNL Martin Short reference.

Jason "Ed" Grimsley's leaked affidavit names players such as Miguel "Bumblebee Man" Tejada, Roger "The Shrubber" Clemens, Brian "of Aramathea" Roberts, Andy "hard to make fun of a guy who is already named Andy" Pettitte, David “Dr. Hibbert” Segui, and Jay "Helper Monkey" Gibbons as users of performance-enhancing substances. Not just Simpson & Son Revitalizing Tonic or Dimoxinil, either.
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