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This is the archive for October 2006

New Rules for October 16, 2006

Time to steal Rich’s gimmick with some New Rules. This is my first shot at this, so I hope it goes well. If it doesn’t, forget you ever read this.

New Rule—If you’re going to start a fight, FIU, you damn well better finish it. While FIU did get more players suspended than the U, the U also was the first team to kick when guys were down, use a helmet as a weapon, dole out body slams, and attack helpless special teams players. That being said, Miami still should’ve had an easier time fighting off their cross-town rivals

New Rule The downfall of the Oakland Raiders and the downfall of The U (most popular major: thugganomics) seem inextricably linked. Perhaps some sort of exchange program is necessary to rethug these programs. Something has to be done about this, it’s just not football if the Raiders are as meek as kittens and the U can’t outfight Florida International University. Time to either start raiding the prisons or…

New Rules for October 14, 2006

Alright, kids. I've been this past week without anything funny. The trend will probably continue as we speak. Rule time!

New Rules:

As our Spindoctor just stated, ice packs and morons do not mix. The Steelers will have to suck up that pain this season because some fuckers can't understand that you don't fall asleep with an icepack on you.

When the Cincinattica Bengals and the North Tijuana SuperConvicts play on November 12th, the following will need to come: The San Diego County Sheriff's Department with loading vans to let the players for the visiting team onto the field, Cincinattica's Police Work-Release Program to escort the Bungle Convicts out onto the field, the National Guard, Ed Hochuli (with Gunz) to defend most of the players in his actual job outside of the NFL, Johnny Cochran's corpse to call it all an outrage, The UN Peacekeeping Corps, possibly the Chinese military with shoot to kill orders, and Jim Rome to ridicule the whole fucking thing.

Stephen Jackson was arrested this past week for his involvement in a fight. Seems the fucker violated parole, again. So, along with Ohio, happy hour is cancelled for the Pacers and the Colts (Just covering my bases.) in Indiana.

Detroit might actually sweep the A's. Attention Michigan National Guard: Get out the AKs, fuckers. It's going to get critical.

Me-O is upgraded to a category 4 pussy this week. However, Vanderjagtass is still a category 1 now that his pussy healed properly.

Speaking of Me-O, I don't give a flying fuck about Little T. Big T's bad enough. How long before he starts throwing tantrums to Coach Billy about Drewie B throwing only to Terry G?

To the Yankees fans, Rogers isn't choking. Guess like everyone else who left NYC, he's doing a lot better now. Let's see if A-Rod agrees later on next season...

On that same note, next World Series miss, Torre shouldn't be on any chopping block. Instead, throw Cashman off of the Empire State Building, Boss. The person he lands near wins a million dollar contract from the Yankees.

The Cards aren't choking at the moment like Ron predicted. Get the duct tape and bottle water ready. If Kim Jong Il the Kook isn't gonna kill us, this might.

Seems the Madden Choke Curse is extending to both teams that play in the Super Bowl. Big Ben has a lower QB rating than Charlie Batch. Just saying...

Also, when a punk ass white boy is started in front of you, that's your cue to get better, Daunte.

Next time you have a thought, Adam Jones, I meant Punkman, fuck I meant Pacman. Anyways, next time you have a thought, Adam Jones, let it go. While you're at it, cut your dreads. You look like a mini version of Mark Henry. And he looks like a bastardized version of the Predator without the talent and fighting skills.

I have the perfect candiates for the World Series of Dice, the entire AFC South minus Indy, there's more thugs in that Division than in Oakland, North Tijuana, or Cincinattica. The top 10 in that series gets reshuffled to the said teams. The non-thugs go to the AFC South. Got it?

Finally, to be fair, the NFL should reshuffle the schedule just this once. Put the Titans against the Raiders. We'll see which team Roger needs to buy for contraction. Somebody has to win, because they don't entirely believe in a tie. Or do they...

All I've got, I'll do better next time.

New Rules for October 4, 2006.

Alright, I'm falling behind on New Rules. Considering that my POS DSL modem is back in some capacity, it's time to terrorize you unlucky people. So, time to vent on the weeks that were.

New Rules:

Ohio is no longer allowed to serve drinks at any hour to the Cincinattica Bengals. Especially to Odell Thurman or Chris Henry.

The NFLPA is actually making sense. Now if only those cocksuckers would help out the retired players, and while you guys are on that kick, get rid of Upshaw (or at least gag the fucker).

There's a reason why the A's are on a roll. They're the rowdy frat boys of MLB. It'll take the Tigers or the Yanks to shut them up for good.

Cut the shit about a subway series. The Evil Empire still has to take out the Tigers. The Mets have to take out the Dodgers. Trust me, both aren't as easy as everyone thinks.

ESPN needs the NHL back. How many times do I really need to see the fucking World Series of Poker? Poker is NOT A SPORT! Hockey is. It might be boring as flies fornicating on a sidewalk, but it's a more legitimate sport than poker (Sorry, Matt Guzzetta.) It's sad that the Versus Network might beat you guys in ratings at the rate you're going.

The following NFL teams need to follow the example of the high school in Michigan who cancelled after a 0 for 4 season: Detroit, Oakland, Tennessee, and Tampa Bay. There is hope for the bubble team Cleveland. Not much, though. You only beat Oakland, and that HS team in Michigan could've done that, too.

The following NFL teams need to draft actual linemen in the next draft, or risk having the front office shot: Detroit, Tampa Bay, Oakland, Tennessee.

Chris Simms has achieved a level of maniliness only seen by Ronnie "Cut My God Damn Finger Off!" Lott. If Gruden had a pocket knife handy, he and Simms might've removed the spleen themselves with said pocket knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Jason "Ed" Grimsley and reports do not mix, ever. And the NY Times hasn't been a reputable paper, ever. Let's all take a breath and realize that the Rocket isn't juiced. Just fucking fat. The same goes for Howard, Ortiz, and Frank Thomas.

The Yankees have something missing from their team dynamic. A lovable fat ass. Not since the Babe, have they had one. Get Ortiz if you need one, Boss.

The Detroit Red Wings fans have to realize something. Detroit is older than Methuselah. All of them. The Central Divison is going to NASHVILLE. Choke on that one, or at least go into the usual mob violence that you usually pull when Jimmy Kimmel pisses you off.

Ben Wallace going to Chicago might be a good thing. Put 'Sheed at center, and you have a guy who can shoot free throws. Let's face it, Ben resembled another man who can't shoot: Shaq. And Shaq had a team that made him better than he really is.

To the NBA players complaining about the new ball: Stop! The ball is stickier for a reason; all of you sweat like Mark Foley during a Junior High School Boys Basketball game. Try the ball in the games. If you don't like it after this season, tough shit. Take it up the ass like you did with the dress code. I feel sorry for none of you.

Finally, this goes to Shanny. Grow some balls. Start Jay Cutler. Jake the Fake is only going to get worse, or possibly get himself killed. And for the love of God, start Culter against a cream-puff team. Like around the 15th, because anyone can beat Oakland.

That's all for this week. If I've offended anyone, there's an X on the right hand for Windows users, or the red button for you smarter Mac users who understand how to not be a Windows lamer. I use neither...