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John Cena Has Mad Skills, Yo

Not only is John Cena the greatest freestyler on the planet, but he also is the greatest technical wrestler and probably the most skilled at following directions.

Yeah. I'm a fucking liar sometimes. I know. So here I am browsing YouTube, just out of pure boredom, when I happen to stumble across a gem of a clip. Before I clicked the link to watch the now Google-owned YouTube video, I dug deep inside my memory to remember that I actually seen this before. It was a few years back, before John Cena was giving an FU to mass wrestling fans with his total lack of wrestling ability, and he was working in some promotion that WWE was leeching off of. And if this isn't the same clip, well, that whole sentence is worthless.

Either way, after I stopped reminiscing about a time when I didn't have to worry about seeing Cena on RAW every week telling me I can't see him, I clicked the link and watched the short, but highly entertaining video. Why so entertaining? Well, the instructor looked like Timothy know, the guy off of the "Baywatch"-spoof television show "Son of the Beach." What? You never heard of it? Yeah, I'm not surprised. Anyway, as I was saying...the instructor looked like Timothy "Notch Johnson" Stack, the dude Cena will be performing with looks like Frankie Kazarian of TNA fame [who I hate, btw], and Cena's sitting there chewing a big wad of something. It's probably semen, because you know Cena loves the stuff.

Instructor Timmy Johnson tells the camera that The Prototype [Cena] will be displaying a reversal maneuver. Proto is suppose to hip-out, grab the wrist, and finish him off with an armbar, which is almost as simple as his STFU finisher he uses now. Either way, Cena fucks up.

As you can see, Cena does hip-out, but then ends up with a Hammerlock. That just tells us how great Cena is. He doesn't know a Hammerlock from an Armbar. He probably couldn't hear because he was chewing, which means he can't chew and listen at the same time. Hell, this actually proves something to me. Cena's just completely deaf. He has to be, since he doesn't hear the shit he says every week and his raps are just garbage.

Ugh. I'm sick of writing this. Cena makes me sick and I am not a Cena hater. I'm just a hater of bad wrestling. Boo to you Cena. Boo to you. This just gives me something else to laugh at you with.
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God damn. I know what an armbar is. That's from getting it hammered into me from four years of the Army. Christ, Cena was and still is pathetic at wrestling.

Posted by Rich at 10/12/06 09:13:21

Is anyone else hoping that John Cena's movie "The Marine" is wildly successful so he quits the WWE and makes movies full-time?

I know I am.

Posted by Ron at 10/12/06 11:51:35

Timothy Stack, from Howard Stern's brilliant "Son of the Beach," was also the voice of the Radio from "The Brave Little Toaster" and the host of my favorite spoof TV show of all time, "Nightstand."

Posted by Ron at 10/12/06 11:55:49

My bad, Tim Stack was the lamp. Jon Lovitz was the Radio.

Posted by Ron at 10/12/06 11:58:46

He is also the anchorman to PumpGas News, :-P.

Posted by Luis at 10/12/06 19:56:29

And he was Corin Nemec's dad on "Parker Lewis Can't Lose". Great article and find, Luis. Cena was a total whore back in his indy days, doing car commercials, and he took part in a "punk'd" style show where he was threatening to beat the shit out of people. It wasn't funny, but I watched it anyway.

Posted by JK at 10/12/06 20:32:43

i love john cena!

Posted by at 01/05/07 20:32:34

rich is just jealous because he's not sitting where john cena is being successful and sexy as hell. and besides he's probobly wishing he could give cena a blow because he's a fucking fag!!!

Posted by at 02/12/07 00:31:39

u suck u cant see him if u want to see garbage wrestlin take a look at edge or jerry the king lawler oh nd if u dis agree den i wiil show u a chicken wing from an arm bar

Posted by andrew at 03/30/07 06:29:30

F-U all

Posted by at 04/07/07 17:21:46

cena cena cena

Posted by at 04/08/07 17:06:45

cena is da best u all jus hatin on him cos he is rich hot sexy and billions of girls luv him and he is a dam gud wrestla


Posted by at 04/08/07 17:08:46

I don't like Cena because fags like you don't know what a real talent is

Posted by at 04/10/07 02:49:45


are u a guy or girl cos if u a guy the only reason u hate him is cos he is betta than u
or if u a girl u must be mad

Posted by at 04/10/07 07:08:42

I don't like Cena because fags like you don't know what a real talent is

Posted by Zarius at 04/10/07 02:49:45


Posted by at 04/10/07 07:10:07

I don't like Cena because fags like you don't know what a real talent is

Posted by Zarius at 04/10/07 02:49:45


Posted by at 04/10/07 07:10:31

OMG that is mad funny...these groupies wouldn't know talent if it bit them in the ASS!

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