Hits & Shits--Week 4
Week Four (or Week 4) continued what has been a pretty significant football trend over the young season. Eight of the weeks 14 games were decided by a touchdown or less, including Sundays overtime game between the Redskins and Jaguars. Despite the NFLs terrible overtime system, in which the coin flip basically decides the game, the League has been really entertaining. Therell be blowouts, sure, but with professional football and parity, youre more likely going to see tough contests than youd see at the college level. When every game counts, everyone steps up their games.
Unless, of course, youre an Oakland Raider.
The Hot Shit: Chicago BearsThe offense has finally gotten in sync with the Bears vicious defense. Instead of simply playing no-mistakes football, Rex Grossman is playing like he wants to be the MVP. The hallmark of recent Bears teams has been a killer defense and a killed offense. Perhaps Rex Grossman has been the missing ingredient all along. Well, not missing so much as critically injured given how often hes spent entire seasons in physical therapy for various shredded and broken body parts.
Bears fans should not be resting easy. Theyre one big sack away from putting Brian Griese under center, and nobody wants to see that. Except for maybe opposing defenses. Given his unceremonious exits from Denver, Miami, and Tampa, Bears fans better hope Rex stays in one piece. In todays NFL, you mostly need a quarterback to not make stupid mistakes. Brian Griese has lost starting jobs to Jake Plummer, Brian Griese, and Chris Simms.
I rest my case.
Cold, Frothy Diarrhea: San Francisco 49ersThe Niners unfortunately crashed back to earth after playing way over their heads through the first four weeks of the season. Despite coming into week 4 with a losing record, the Niners have played feisty all season, battling with the Eagles, pushing the Cardinals, and besting the Rams. As a 49ers fan, it was nice to see the team playing well, or at least competitively, for awhile. Sadly, injuries on the offensive line, a broken leg for potent rookie weapon/TE Vernon Davis, and nagging injuries to both Frank Gore and Maurice Hicks took their toll on the team. Combine that with an insane game from everyones second-favorite Huard Brother, Dante Hall being Dante Hall, and Larry Johnsons return to form and youve got a recipe for a drubbing.
Sure, I couldve picked the Seahawks for this position, and really, these two teams are like 1A and 1B in terms of stinking the joint up in Week 4, but the Seahawks got clocked by Chicago, and Chicagos defense can make any team look bad, especially a team without its Pro Bowl cover boy running back. Theres no excuse for being zonked by one of the worst defenses in the league. Even an NFL Europe team could score on the Chiefs, for the love of God.
The Top 5 NFL Badasses of Week 4
1. Morten AndersenHeres a special guy. His age is his field goal range, which means anywhere from 46 and in hes pretty much automatic. He hit five field goals on Sunday for the Falcons, from 34, 40, 36, 26, and 28 yards. In other words, he outscored the Packers, Seahawks, Titans, Dolphins, 49ers, Bengals, Cardinals, Vikings, and Chargers by himself.
2. Donovan McNabbDonovan McNabb once again shows Michael Vick how a running quarterback can succeed in both aspects of the ball. He ran well, with 6 carries for 57 yards and an important 2 TDs, and passed even better, tossing the rock for 288 yards and another 2 TDs. Not bad, old man.
3. The Atlanta Option, AgainMaybe it only works against shitty teams, but I still like it. Vick broke 100 yards on the ground and broke 150 through the air, and Jerious Norwood busted out an impressive 106 yards and 1 TD on SIX carries, with a jaw-dropping 78-yard scoring run. That, my friends, is sick. Dengue fever in India sick. Enjoy it while it lasts, because Im expecting to see a lot of 8-man fronts in Hotlantas future.
4. Santana MossFour catches isnt very impressive, but when 75% of your receptions end in touchdowns, thats pretty damn good. Add in 138 yards and a victory over the fierce Jacksonville Jaguars, and youve earned a spot in the top 5, even if you are just a receiver. Add in the fact that he scored the winning touchdown in overtime, and youve put yourself together a game.
5. Brett FavreIf his receivers could have caught the ball, he mightve made a game of it. Instead, Brett threw two interceptions and looked like a gunslinger. No, not accurate and deadly. I meant reckless and dumb. As the Monday Night Football crew said, a game with Brett Farve is always exciting for the opposing defense. You can never tell just how many interceptions hell throw, and if youre lucky, a green-and-gold present will come falling into your arms, from Santa Brett to you!
The 5 Smelliest Turds in the Punch Bowl for Week 4
1. Jamal LewisI think Jamal Lewis lousiness over the past two seasons has been a condition of his parole. He cant score touchdowns because he might snort the goal line, and thatd be a violation of his parole. Then again, consorting with known felons is also a violation of his parole, so I dont see how he can play in the NFL. At this rate, he wont have to worry about that problem much longer.
2. Edgerrin JamesYou cant make chicken salad out of chicken shitt, no matter how good of a running back you might be. The Cardinals are chicken shitt, and Edgerrins just another corn kernel in the white splatter. Apparently you cant run for big gains when you have to try to run around the offensive linemen that are being pushed backwards into your grill. Bet you miss being Peytons towel boy now, huh?
3. Alex SmithSomebody needs to kneecap Marty and Doc Brown, because apparently they kidnapped Alex Smith and took him back to 2005. Somebody call up Dr. Who so we can get this fixed, pronto.
4. Andrew WalterIf Andrew Walters Week 2 was bad (10 27, 162 yards, 3 interceptions against the Ravens), his Week 4 was worse. 9 23 for 68 yards and a blowful 43.6 quarterback rating against the defensive powerhouse Cleveland Browns. You expected him to look bad against the Ravens, but when your bright spots are only 1 interception, only being sacked 3 times, and a 12-yard scramble you know you had a bad night. To his credit, he did throw 1 touchdown. Mustve been an accident.
5. Albert HaynesworthYou see a downed offensive lineman. Hes helpless, and his helmet has been ripped off. Why in the fuck does it take you two tries to successfully curbstomp him?! Hes just laying there, gasping for breath! One shot, one kill, Albert. If youre going to do one of the most heinous things Ive ever seen outside of a Takeshi Miike movie, then dont fuck it up once, then ask for a re-stomp. Christian Laettner only needed one shot at Aminu Timberlake.
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