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How to Fix The Raiders, The SB Way : Part One

So, the Alameda County Correctional Facility Raiders are possibly the shittiest team in the National Football League.

I'm not trying to make fun of the Raiders. Let's be honest, I used to like the ol' Silver and Black Prison Camp. I fell in love with them back when Howie Long had long hair. I remember when Lyle Alzado was so 'roided up that he couldn't keep from getting ejected from the game. Of course, we now know the price he paid for that.

So, seriously. It seems that Al's living in the past. He thinks he's the end all and be all as far as the Silver and Black goes.

If you want my opinion, he's the biggest part of the problem. An old man who won't accept change. You've got millions of stories about this, but here's a modern version of it. So, in a non-mocking way, here's how to fix the Oakland Raiders in as short time as can be done.

1. The Ownership - Al Davis is older than dirt. He's more inclined to cat nap than to make Jerry Porter see the pavement in the parking lot after the parking incident. The old Al Davis would've gotten a group of Hell's Angels to promptly beat Porter into NFL retirement, possibly even make Porter leave the US altogether. Now, Al's old and tired. He needs to pass on his legacy of thugs and murderers to a new Warden. I nominate Bill Romanowski. He has no business being in the NFL, but he's the one warden they need to instill the fear of "Fuck up here, and die painfully." And he's so juiced up, any bitching from Porter will result in Porter's imminent death.

Surprisingly, I see none of you protesting that...

2. The Players - It's time for an overhaul. Randy Moss isn't thug enough anymore. Aaron Brooks is more white than Jay Cutler. The only real thug left is Porter, and he's a bitch. They need real thugs. Art Shell needs real thugs to beat into submission. Not crybabies like Porter and Moss.

Hence, the AFC South has to send their Cream of the Crap they want to send to Oakland. That means the Titans lose their crack slinging secondary, but so be it. That's what the draft is for. The Jags might lose their starting linemen, but what the hell. They're solid on the ol' depth chart. Houston won't lose a thing. Indy lost their only thug to Arizona.

Also, Roy Williams and Mike Williams go to Alameda Country Correctional, too. They're not thug enough for Cincinattica. They're too sucktackular for North Tijuana's SuperCriminals. And they're too small for BALCO Carolina Inc. While they're at it, draft from Miami. These pussy gangstas need a re-education from the Thug Kings of the NFL.

3. The Coach - Art Shell is a big man. A real big man. Al is telling him to be a coach. What Art really is, though, is a correctional officer. To be precise, he's the captain of the correctional officers. The rest of the coaching staff are the CO staff. Complete with lockdowns, hard labor, and gassers until Shell gets tired. They don't need plays. They need to kill somebody. Again, this is why Romo needs to take over this team. He'll get them juiced up in the right (wrong) direction. At least get them back to the crack-slinging, wife-beating, attempted-murdering days.

4. The Fans - Nothing wrong with you pirate-painted psychotic bastards. I think some of you fuckers need to be on the team. This is a group of people that the Hell's Angels don't go around. Let a few of these guys do the thug training. It'll work wonders.

This is going to be a continuing series by me, Ron, or Icon. Keep it right here, folks. It'll get worse.
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The downfall of the Oakland Raiders and the downfall of The U (most popular major: thugganomics) seem inextricably linked. Perhaps some sort of exchange program is necessary to rethug these programs.

Maybe Miami can rent Ron Artest for a few weeks.

Posted by Ron at 10/16/06 11:00:27

Al Davis has been dead for years--that's just one of those Disney animatronic figures they keep bringing out when necessary.

Posted by Jade at 10/16/06 13:26:50

Since I'm a major addict of Madden's Franchise mode, I think I have a few viable solutions of my own to this since the NFL NEEDS the Raiders to be what they were...namely successful villains and not 'the only team in the league to make the Lions look decent'.

- Draft sensibly. We're playing football Al, not running the 50-yard dash. The only teams in the league to have as many first round picks in this decade go belly up are the Browns and Lions, but in the Browns' defense, they
well...are in Cleveland. A Black Hole in its own wrong way.

Their defense is stocked full of first rounders nobody outside of their mamas and baby's mamas have ever heard of and
if you're not talking abou them, you're
talking about washed up has beens and never weres. Don't even get me started
on the offense.

They've got Moss, who the last time I checked can still play the game better than most at his position.

They've got L-Jordan, who can run the ball when he has a line to run behind.

Ground game's accounted for, as is the playmaker you need to make an offense go. So what's the problem? Other than an outdated offensive philosophy and an o-line that couldn't keep a pack of sea turtles from getting to the
QB, not a lot.

Fact is, they need a major makeover and
it has to start with Al himself. Some looney Raiders fan is going to John Wilkes Booth Al or gonna have to if they expect the Raiders to return to their Commitment To Excellence ways.

Posted by at 10/19/06 16:14:34

Stumbled upon your blog. Interesting read!

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