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Samuel L. Jackson is Elmo McElroy

I know that since Tiger Woods went down with that knee injury, the golf world has been looking for a new dynamic, captivating figure to replace him. Might I go out on a limb and suggest Samuel L. Jackson? Just think about it. He likes golf, he's cool and popular, he doesn't need to win to draw fans, and best of all, he dresses absolutely crazily.

Talk about your consolation prize

Apparently Elin Woods felt the need to give her husband something to take his mind off coming in second at the Open, because she took a page out of Mrs. Phil Mickelson's playbook and delivered a baby girl less than a day after the final. Sam Alexis Woods and her mom are both doing just fine, according to Tiger's site.

We at SB send our heartiest congratulations to the Woods family on the new addition.

We will also be taking bets as to how soon the sleep deprivation will start affecting Tiger's game.

Break in the newbies!

Tiger Woods won yet another PGA tournament, this time over a bunch of people you’ve never heard of and will probably never hear from again, like Thurston Charles Howell III and such notable tour rookies as rookies Andrew Buckle, Brandt Snedeker, and Jeff Quinney. Like any good seasoned prison inmate, Tiger welcomed these fresh fish into his house the only way possible: wait for them to drop the soap and then give it to them hard.

Welcome to the Tiger Woods PGA tour, bitches! Hope you like the smell of failure!

Meanwhile, DJ Gallo sums up my thoughts on Tiger’s phony wins streak perfectly in today’s Daily Quickie AM Jump.

Tiger Woods won in his first PGA appearance of the year yesterday at the Buick Invitational, giving him seven consecutive victories. Of course, that's only consecutive PGA victories. Woods has losses in Japan, China, the Ryder Cup and the World Match Play Championships mixed in there. It's kind of like how my college roommate was undefeated at Madden, but only if you didn't count all the games he shut off when he was losing in the fourth quarter.

Who names their son Tadd?

A potbellied 16-year-old boy named Tadd Fujikawa? Yep, he made the cut at the Sony Open in beautiful Honolulu, Hawai'i.

A 17-year-old girl named Michelle Wie who makes more money from one endorsement deal than the SportsBastards crew will ever collectively make in our entire lives? She stunk the place up and missed the cut by 14 strokes.

Which one's the household name again? Which one's Tiger with tits? Which one is the one that's gonna be playing with the men in 5 years?

That's what I thought.

Tiger Woods: You ARE the Father!

Congratulations to Tiger Woods for accomplishing the biggest goal in every black man's life (okay, every one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African, one-eighth Native American, and one-eighth Dutch man): knocking up a blonde-haired white woman! If there's anybody I can look at in professional sports and say that he's going to be a good dad, or at least a father who works his children to death, it's you. Then again, your children will be half-Cablinasian and half-Viking, so you probably ought not push the kids too hard at whatever it is they want to achieve, lest they impale you on their horned helmets with Zen-like patience.

Seriously, congratulations Tiger. I've always enjoyed the close public relationship Tiger had with his father, and you could tell that the two of them loved one another very much and that Earl didn't need his son to be a big-time golfer to be insanely proud of the boy. I'm sure if Tiger's half the man his father was, then those are going to be a lucky kid with a great father.

May your first child be a masculine child!

HEY GUYS! I have an idea on where to hide...

Yesterday on the ESPN Ticker, they told the real story of the Chrysler Championship. Two juvenile recipients of the "DE DE DE" awards decided the best place to hide was at the Chrysler Championship. Little did anyone tell these dumb shits that with that many white folks in one gathering, there's going to be... get this... MORE COPS!

The sad part is I told this whole story to my mother and she asked where Tiger was to regulate. Of course, Eldrich decided to take the week off from dominance (I hear Ron dying a little more as I type this). And our Robbing Hoods ran through the series of Brian Gay.

If you really give a shit about the tourney, K.J. Choi is winning. If you bothered to read the wiki, you would see that Brian shares something in common with A-Rod and McNabb, they all choke in the big one.

Well, at least Brian can tell his grandchildren he got to see something they never will. Two punkasses not getting read their Miranda Rights. And who says the PGA is boring?

John Byron Nelson, Jr. (February 4, 1912 - September 26, 2006)

Winners are different. They're a different breed of cat. - Byron Nelson

Byron Nelson passed away today at age 94. Not only was Mr. Nelson one of the all-time great golfers, he was also one of the sports greatest ambassadors, giving his name to the Byron Nelson Classic (the only former golfer to be the namesake of an event) and serving as a mentor and an inspiration to thousands of young golfers.

Born on a ranch in Texas, Nelson grew up with fellow golf legend Ben Hogan, caddying with him at the same country club as a youth. Nelson turned pro in 1932, willing his first major tournament in 1937. However, it is season in 1945 that put him head and shoulders above peers like Hogan and Sam Snead.

Unable to serve in the military due to a blood condition, Nelson turned his attention to the game of golf, winning 18 tournaments in 1945, including the never-to-be-repeated 11 in a row. In the years between 1942 and 1945, he made 65 top 10 finishes in a row. He won 52 tournaments for his career, including 5 Majors in a period when the Majors were mostly postponed.

Something even more amazing about Nelson, per Wikipedia: Nelson's record of 113 consecutive cuts made is second only to Tiger Woods' 142. It should be noted that the PGA Tour defines a "cut" as receiving a paycheck, even if an event has no cut per se. In Nelson's era, only the top 20 in a tournament received a check. In reality, Nelson's "113 consecutive cuts made" are representative of his unequalled 113 consecutive top 20 tournament finishes. Woods has only managed 21 consecutive top 20 finishes in his career.

He retired young, at age 34, to follow his lifelong dream of running his own ranch. "When I was playing regularly, I had a goal," Nelson recalled in a BBC article. "I could see the prize money going into the ranch, buying a tractor, or a cow. It gave me an incentive."

I am... not Tiger Woods.

So in the upset of the century, Tiger Woods lost to someone at the World Match Play Championship. I know he’s lost before, to guys like Vijay Singh, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els… you know, guys with names.

But do you know who beat Tiger at the Match Play Championships? Shaun Micheel. No, not the professional wrestler Shawn Michaels. While Tiger might be able to out-drive him, the Heartbreak Kid could totally drop El Tigre with a superkick and show him who’s boss. Not Sean Michaels, the porn star. Tiger may be half-black, but he’s also half-Asian, which means while Tiger might be longer off the tee, Sean Michaels is longer where it counts.

Just check this out, gang.

This guy beat Tiger Woods.

[ Read More... ]

Tiger and the Trophy

You know, Tiger Woods has won so many tournaments that I think that maybe people are getting a little tired of him hogging all the glory. To make matters worse, who do you think pays for all those silver and gold trophies? That's right, the sponsors. That's why I was not a bit surprised to see the Deutsche Bank Championship implement a few cost cutting measures. However, I was surprised at what they did to save a little money.

Click the link for more details.
[ Read More... ]

And five for Tiger

Vijay Singh's course record-setting day on Sunday still wasn't enough to stop Tiger Woods from taking his fifth straight win.

While its a bit surprising Tiger has been playing so many tournaments lately, what is not surprising is every time he comes from behind for the win. And Tiger doesn't just win because he's really good, but instead he gains win from being one of the most intimidating players on the course.

Can you imagine playing head-to-head with Tiger for the win on the final day? First, Tiger won't be talking to you at all -- he's too focused. You know this guy is probably someday going to break even the great one's records and might very well be the greatest golfer the sport has ever seen. And you know that almost nothing seems to break Tiger's concentration, the sad exception being his father's death. I'd be intimidated too.

While this does not always guarantee Tiger's victory, it certainly helps him in a pinch. And clearly Vijay Singh felt that pressure on Labor Day too. Tiger crushed Vijay's spirit as he shot and putted his way from a three-shot deficit to a spectacular two-stroke victory.

If only Vijay had saved some of his good shots and putts on Sunday for the final day of the Deutsche Bank Championship he would have ended Tiger's longest winning streak in a single season. But Tiger is still seven victories away from breaking any PGA records for longest winning streak. But, only two away from breaking his all-time longest winning streak, six victories.
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