Buy Viagra
Skip to main content.

Roger Clemens = Clancy Wiggum?

Baseball has a steroids problem. Or more accurately, steroids have a baseball problems. Now, the story is pretty boring at this point, because everyone who laced up from about 1978 until last year is suspected as a juicer of Bondsian absurdity and as such, nobody will ever take the game and the accomplishments of an entire generation of players seriously. So to spice up this boring ass story about the unshocking revelation of major leaguers suspected of juicing, I’ll throw in as many “Simpsons” refernces into this story as I possibly can, as well as a couple of “Monty Python” references and a SNL Martin Short reference.

Jason "Ed" Grimsley's leaked affidavit names players such as Miguel "Bumblebee Man" Tejada, Roger "The Shrubber" Clemens, Brian "of Aramathea" Roberts, Andy "hard to make fun of a guy who is already named Andy" Pettitte, David “Dr. Hibbert” Segui, and Jay "Helper Monkey" Gibbons as users of performance-enhancing substances. Not just Simpson & Son Revitalizing Tonic or Dimoxinil, either.

We’re talking the embiggening stuff, surpassing Barteseque-level mischief. I’m talkin’ malfeasance, here! However, as one would expect, all maintain they improved their performance through cromulent means, such as trans-dental electromicide, and point to a litany of passed drug tests.

Segui admits to using HGH, but says he had a note from his physician, Dr. Nick Riviera. Because he cheated legally, I’ll give him a pass for now. Same goes for guys who’ve had steady power for their entire careers (Tejada), no power even while supposedly on steroids (Roberts), who I know nothing about (Gibbons), or who don’t interest me (Pettitte).

So that leaves the Rocket, long the subject of whispered rumors of performance enhancing drug (PED) use. Do I think Roger used performance enhancers? To cut to the chase, no. Do I think Barry Bonds used steroids? Yes, I do. Why hold one 40something superstar in suspicion while giving another the benefit of the doubt when both have accomplished amazing things in their geezerly period?

Simple, I trust my eyes. Look at the two men. Barry Bonds is built like a brick hithouse. It’s like someone shot Drederick Tatum with a rebigulator, and that idea is so ludicrous as to make me chuckle derisively. As for Roger Clemens? Sure, he’s big, but he’s big in a way that looks like David Segui’s physician prescribed him to a forced posture of assal horizontology combined with a few visits to Lard O Lad Doughnuts.

Guys over 40 don’t get stronger, unless they have a little chemical help, and Barry Bonds has gotten stronger up until he suffered the inevitable ‘roids related breakdowns last year. Still, Barry’s bat speed and power have improved, even as he’s bulked up to improbable levels. As for Roger? Well, he’s bulked up, in a manner of speaking. Now maybe a spare tire helps 40-year-old pitchers stay more durable, but really. He’s lost several miles on his fastball and gets by on intimidation and changing speeds these days, as well as hellacious placement. Those are all skills that improve with age, not fade with age. Greg Maddux is having a good year, too, and no one’s accused that Professor Frink look-alike of eating a steady diet of HGH.

Some have argued that Clemens started a course of PEDs around the ’97 ’98 season, because of his career resurgence around that time. They further point to his numbers over the last few years as further evidence of his steroid use. Indeed, there is some evidence to this fact, considering Clemens has picked up 55 wins after age 40. That’s pretty good, right? But let’s look at the circumstances.

For two of those seasons, Roger Clemens was playing with the New York Yankees, who are a real life version of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team (complete with evil billionaire owner in Steinbrenner and toady in Brian Cashman) but slightly better. That alone counts for the uptick in wins for Roger, since his ERA’s been good, but not great, since he left Toronto. He could afford to give up 3.91 runs per 9 innings in his last season in NYC, because he knew the team would be able to score runs in bunches.

As for his stats over the last 3 years? Well, he switched from the vicious AL East to the NL Central, by far the weakest league and the second weakest division in all of baseball aside form the NL West. 2.98 in 2004, 1.87 in 2005, and 2.30 this year. When Jason Marquis is one of the top 20 pitchers in the league with a record of 14-16, anybody with half a brain ought to do well. Considering the blowful state of the Cardinals this year, and the general collapse and fade of a lot of the NL teams down the stretch, and some lucky home starts for Roger the Rocket in 19 starts, is it any wonder he’s done so well?

I suppose introbulating others is a good way to take the heat off of your own backside, but the problem is Grimsley now denies naming names. I mean, sure, Roger’s done some amazing stuff for an old man, but so did Nolan Ryan and Tom Seaver, and they’re of the pre-HGH generation.

What Roger’s doing is not unprecedented, just rare. What Barry Bonds has done has been as amazing and unexplainable as the Springfield Mystery Spot, assuming you believe Team Bonds’ bullshit about not using performance enhancing drugs.
There are currently no trackbacks for this item.
Use this TrackBack url to ping this item (right-click, copy link target). If your blog does not support Trackbacks you can manually add your trackback by using this form.


Welcome to Salem 2K6. Most likely, Grimsley's naming names to make his inquisitors happy, and keep the rocks off his chest.

I'm not a Rocket fan, but anyone who's ever read SI knows what his workout regime is like--if he were doing drugs on top of that, he'd look like David Boston, not the Pillsbury Doughboy. Bonds has admitted taking steroids "unwittingly" to a grand jury. There's nothing to indicate Clemens has taken anything other than one too many Krispy Kremes on occasion.

Posted by Jade at 10/02/06 22:05:07

Personally I think Grim is a little bitter about being forced out of the ol' ball game. Don't get too upset if he tries to wipe out whole teams at the end of this.

Posted by Rich at 10/03/06 06:47:43

movado watches replica watches tag heuer carrera watches.

Posted by leaves rustle at 11/01/11 00:52:06

timewalker watches buy watches.

Posted by chunpalizao at 11/01/11 00:56:35

rift gold guide Rift Gold Buy Rift Gold Buy Rift Gold rift official site.

Posted by rift website at 11/01/11 21:30:10

replica audemars piguet watches royal oak watches.

Posted by bell and ross at 11/09/11 02:42:12

replica panerai watches santos watches.

Posted by tluminor marina watches at 11/09/11 02:45:28

fake lv watches replica watches fake franck muller watches.

Posted by deville watches at 11/09/11 02:49:07

cartier declaration watches replica watches used watches.

Posted by breitling windrider watches at 11/09/11 02:49:31

wowway hand made amassed and finally decorated where to sell wow gold wow cable channels leveling wow time soon many sports stars like it free wow download.

Posted by really cheap wow gold at 11/24/11 01:57:20

Despite the difficulties, Perry has retained [url=]Ugg Boots[/url] an upbeat demeanor on the campaign trail, and has been at ease meeting voters one-on-one.It's an asset his campaign hopes to feature during the 14-day Iowa bus tour he begins in northwest Iowa on Wednesday, ahead [url=http://www.uggscheaponline....]Ugg Boots Cheap[/url] of Thursday's debate in Sioux City, the final debate before the caucuses. It's a chance for him to feature his courtly charm, as he did promoting the daily blend for sale at Café Diem in Ames. "It's a light little coffee," he said with a grin. In a [url=]Cheap Ugg Boots[/url] barbershop in Beaufort, S.C., last week, Perry was asked how he was coping with campaigning after undergoing back surgery last summer. "I've gotten my second wind," Perry replied, rocking in his black orthopedic shoes.Whether [url=http://www.manoloblahniksho...]Manolo Blahnik Shoes[/url] Perry can claw his way back into contention is unclear.Last week, he opened a new line of attack against Romney and Gingrich, pointing out their past support [url=http://www.designershoe4uk....]Prada Shoes UK[/url] for requiring people to acquire health insurance, a mandate very unpopular with conservatives.

Posted by at 12/13/11 04:44:26

wowarmory kilometer waterproof Master Compressor really cheap wow gold wow gold buying power leveling performance of extraordinary not only wow gold grinding.

Posted by diablo iii wiki at 01/16/12 23:46:28

best wow gold sites won the concept of experts and judges really cheap wow gold safe wow gold world of warcraft powerLeveling most secure choice Investment in our best site to buy wow gold.

Posted by best wow gold site at 01/16/12 23:50:46

Add Comment