Roger Clemens = Clancy Wiggum?
Jason "Ed" Grimsley's leaked affidavit names players such as Miguel "Bumblebee Man" Tejada, Roger "The Shrubber" Clemens, Brian "of Aramathea" Roberts, Andy "hard to make fun of a guy who is already named Andy" Pettitte, David “Dr. Hibbert” Segui, and Jay "Helper Monkey" Gibbons as users of performance-enhancing substances. Not just Simpson & Son Revitalizing Tonic or Dimoxinil, either.
We’re talking the embiggening stuff, surpassing Barteseque-level mischief. I’m talkin’ malfeasance, here! However, as one would expect, all maintain they improved their performance through cromulent means, such as trans-dental electromicide, and point to a litany of passed drug tests.
Segui admits to using HGH, but says he had a note from his physician, Dr. Nick Riviera. Because he cheated legally, I’ll give him a pass for now. Same goes for guys who’ve had steady power for their entire careers (Tejada), no power even while supposedly on steroids (Roberts), who I know nothing about (Gibbons), or who don’t interest me (Pettitte).
So that leaves the Rocket, long the subject of whispered rumors of performance enhancing drug (PED) use. Do I think Roger used performance enhancers? To cut to the chase, no. Do I think Barry Bonds used steroids? Yes, I do. Why hold one 40something superstar in suspicion while giving another the benefit of the doubt when both have accomplished amazing things in their geezerly period?
Simple, I trust my eyes. Look at the two men. Barry Bonds is built like a brick hithouse. It’s like someone shot Drederick Tatum with a rebigulator, and that idea is so ludicrous as to make me chuckle derisively. As for Roger Clemens? Sure, he’s big, but he’s big in a way that looks like David Segui’s physician prescribed him to a forced posture of assal horizontology combined with a few visits to Lard O Lad Doughnuts.
Guys over 40 don’t get stronger, unless they have a little chemical help, and Barry Bonds has gotten stronger up until he suffered the inevitable ‘roids related breakdowns last year. Still, Barry’s bat speed and power have improved, even as he’s bulked up to improbable levels. As for Roger? Well, he’s bulked up, in a manner of speaking. Now maybe a spare tire helps 40-year-old pitchers stay more durable, but really. He’s lost several miles on his fastball and gets by on intimidation and changing speeds these days, as well as hellacious placement. Those are all skills that improve with age, not fade with age. Greg Maddux is having a good year, too, and no one’s accused that Professor Frink look-alike of eating a steady diet of HGH.
Some have argued that Clemens started a course of PEDs around the ’97 ’98 season, because of his career resurgence around that time. They further point to his numbers over the last few years as further evidence of his steroid use. Indeed, there is some evidence to this fact, considering Clemens has picked up 55 wins after age 40. That’s pretty good, right? But let’s look at the circumstances.
For two of those seasons, Roger Clemens was playing with the New York Yankees, who are a real life version of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team (complete with evil billionaire owner in Steinbrenner and toady in Brian Cashman) but slightly better. That alone counts for the uptick in wins for Roger, since his ERA’s been good, but not great, since he left Toronto. He could afford to give up 3.91 runs per 9 innings in his last season in NYC, because he knew the team would be able to score runs in bunches.
As for his stats over the last 3 years? Well, he switched from the vicious AL East to the NL Central, by far the weakest league and the second weakest division in all of baseball aside form the NL West. 2.98 in 2004, 1.87 in 2005, and 2.30 this year. When Jason Marquis is one of the top 20 pitchers in the league with a record of 14-16, anybody with half a brain ought to do well. Considering the blowful state of the Cardinals this year, and the general collapse and fade of a lot of the NL teams down the stretch, and some lucky home starts for Roger the Rocket in 19 starts, is it any wonder he’s done so well?
I suppose introbulating others is a good way to take the heat off of your own backside, but the problem is Grimsley now denies naming names. I mean, sure, Roger’s done some amazing stuff for an old man, but so did Nolan Ryan and Tom Seaver, and they’re of the pre-HGH generation.
What Roger’s doing is not unprecedented, just rare. What Barry Bonds has done has been as amazing and unexplainable as the Springfield Mystery Spot, assuming you believe Team Bonds’ bullshit about not using performance enhancing drugs.
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