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Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits

There’s a new race for NFL supremacy being played out right now, but it’s not one of the obvious battles. No, it’s in addition to all those battles for divisional crowns, playoff berths, and bragging rights over longtime rivals. It’s not the battle for the Brady Quinn sweepstakes. Hell, it’s not even the battle currently being waged between Ben Roethlisberger and Brett Favre for most interceptions in a season.

This is a race between the San Diego Chargers and the Cincinnati Bengals to see which team can have the most arrests during the season. “The Chargers?” you might be asking yourself. “Since when were they in Cincinnattica’s league?”

Since they went all out, brother.

Let’s go to the tale of the tape.

Cincinnati Bengals

Total Arrests: 6
Team Leaders:
Chris Henry (4, multiple offenses bonus)
Odell Thurman (1)
Mathias Askew (1, Taser bonus)

San Diego Chargers

Total Arrests: 5
Team Leaders:
Steve Foley (2, former Bengal, multiple shooting bonus, multiple offenses bonus)
Terrence Kiel (1, felony drug charge bonus)
Shaun Phillips (1)
Markus Curry (1)

As of right now, the Bengals have more offenses, but that’s before you factor in the various bonuses on either side. Chris Henry earns a bonus for multiple offenses, while Mathias Askew earns the Tazer bonus. That’s a total score of 8 for the Bengals, which is almost Raiders-level criminality.

The Chargers, with 5 offenses, earn a multiple offense bonus, a former Bengal bonus, and a multiple shooting recipient bonus for team MVP (Most Valuable Prisoner) Steve Foley. Toss in Terrence Kiel’s felony drug charge bonus, and the two arrests for Shaun Phillips and Markus Curry, and you have a total score of 9 for the San Diego Chargers. That’s a very impressive number, no matter how you slice it.

Two teams, 11 total arrests. Pretty impressive numbers, and if I know these two scrappy, skilled squads, we’re going to be in for a treat as they battle to the wire to see just who can get the most players arrested in a season while trying to out do one another in terms of the grievousness of their various offenses. The Bengals are throwing out the red weenie strategy, in which they have a lot of smaller offenses, like weapons charges and wife beating. The Chargers are going for the gusto, with things like multiple assaults on a police officer and felony drug trafficking, while being committed enough to their thuggery to be shot with bullets for their cause.

My prediction on a winner? Well, that’s simple. The winner is the NFL, who reaps millions of dollars in player fines.
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So, who gets the modifier for the Romo Bonus. The one for being coked out of your god damned mind while beating your wife. Or the Samari Rolle Bonus for ass raping your wife and beating her on Valentine's Day. And doesn't Foley get the Sauerbrun Bonus for resisting arrest?

Posted by Rich at 10/12/06 18:07:48

Well, wife-beating is no longer an event. Same with resisting arrest. If a 'roided up punter can fight off the cops, it's not a surprise that Steve Foley can do the same damn thing.

Posted by Ron at 10/12/06 23:42:43

Mark your calenders now!!! On Sunday November 12th, the Police, FBI, CIA, Homeland Security and probably the UN will all be in Cincinnati where this whole feud will come to a climax. Hopefully they will all have enough players eligible/alive/not incarcerated to play the game!

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