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This is the archive for October 2006

The Curtain Has Fallen...The Curtain Has Fallen!!!

Okay, I know what the average Steelers fan is probably saying provided they're not drinking Draino [literally] or seeing that white light rushing to greet them as they plummet to their premature deaths following last night's debacle in Croakland where the term 'Black Hole' took on a whole new meaning entirely.

It swallowed the Steelers' season whole. I mean, how can they explain this to me so I can understand? I mean, I said back in February following their victory over the 'Hawks they were the luckiest SB Champ I've ever seen and damned if they haven't spent the first seven games of this regular season proving it to me. I mean, I could've written about anything else about Week 8 in the NFL, but I couldn't pass this up. I mean, even the BROWNS figured out a way to NOT LOSE in Oakland even after falling behind by what? 18 in the second half? How come Blitzburgh couldn't and they're supposedly better than Cleveland? I mean, the defense held the Oakland O to 98 yards of offense. That's a 9 in the tens place and an 8 in the ones column.
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Bizzaro Sunday in the NFL...

Alright, before Ron gets the offical Hits and Shits for the even weeks posted, let's recap Bizzaro Sunday.

The Raiders upped the Ben Roethlisberger "Reggie Ray Scale" count for this week. The NFL needs a star helmet decal for every person that's injured the big goof, up to and including his bike. However, Jerry Porter still isn't playing. If Art Shell has his way, Porter will go the way of Jimmy Hoffa.

Is Seneca Wallace really worth that rookie contract he signed?!! Yes, he is. However, so was Damon Huard on his journey in the NFL. Deion Branch actually showed good hustle on a fourth quarter interception that gets turned back over. Good show, gentlemen.

The refs love that fag Peyton Manning. Yet Shanny's still too much of a pussy to start Jay Cutler. Hey, Mike. Time to catch up to Tennessee and Dallas. They're winning with their former backups. To Peyton, I say... Enjoy it, punk. You've got New England next week, and that evil Parcells-era Dallas team two weeks after that. Oh, and Buffalo in between. Gotta rest sometime.

New England is somehow still doing the damn thing. Oh, and Indy comes to Foxboro. Cue Jim Ross and Slobberknocker speech.

The Bears are scarier than ever. Somehow, none of you are questioning that yet.

And the Ravens are officially the NFL's Anti-Christ Superstar Team. What did you expect with all the thugs and attempted murderers, folks?

The Tony Romo Experience is now beginning. Check your expectations at the door. Parcells can work with a mobile quarterback.

One thing still remains constant. Donovan McNabb still sucks.

Hell of a Sunday, isn't it? Oh, and Paris the Whore is in the MNF booth. FUCK, SHOOT ME!

I'll be back later with a better article, possibly the first Sports BastardCast.

Just like on "Fear Factor"

Dallas Cowboys ‘passing game coordinator’ (or wide receivers coach for us non PC types) Todd Haley discovered a very unpleasant guest in his home that snuck into his crib in a very unpleasant way.

No, this isn’t the setup for a “T.O.’s dating his daughter!” joke, nor some “Desperate Housewives”/ESPN Monday Night Football promo setup gone horribly awry. The real situation is horrifying without embellishment.

Todd Haley’s wife and au pair (nanny, again to translate from PC into American) stopped at that American institution, the drive through window at McDonald’s, for a snack. They opted for a healthy McSalad (note: the chicken bacon ranch McSalad has more fat and calories than a Big Mac, but we’ll cut ‘em a break). Instead of their healthy greenery, they received healthy greenery with an extra special topping.

A 6-inch long dead roof rat.

All together now! “EWWWWWW!”

The Pink and Black Attack

These have probably been around awhile, but I’m just now noticing them. For the uninitiated, they now make pastel-colored jerseys for the lady sports fan in your life.

That’s right, girls; now you can support your boyfriend's favorite team while still looking like you know nothing about sports by wearing a shirt so gay that even Richard Simmons will fag-bash you for it! Fellas, you can buy your lady something sparkly and pretty without embarrassing yourself in the ladies’ lingerie department of your local department store (they still haven’t forgiven you for the mannequin incident, anyway).

That’s where East Bay comes in, with these fetchingly tapered and bejeweled jerseys for the fairer sex. Well, at least the ones who aren’t built like nose tackles. The NFL Fashions Glitter line of clothing gives you all the fun of a woman’s football jersey, without actually making you buy one of the real replica women’s jerseys available! Who needs pewter, black, and white when you can have pink, crocus, mint, and guava!

But don’t take my word for it, let’s talk to the athletes, coaches, and team officials themselves!

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Vick's Going Back to Marlin Briscoe High

Most of the time I hate what Gregg Easterbrook writes on the TMQ. However, what he mentions on the first part of the story, I actually do agree with. I'm sure Ron would too.

The Falcons are actually successful right now with a Wing-T offense. Yes, that's right. A Wing-T. "Back in the high school offensive playbook" Wing-T. Rollouts. Sexy Options. Plays named after the coach's ex-girlfriends. And you want to know something. I'm glad Jim Mora's got the balls to do it.

So, remember teams. He's beating you with the most simplified offense ever. A sight that the other 31 teams don't want is below now...

Yeah, he's Ridin' Dirty...

(Edit from Ron: For those of you who don't know, this is Marlin Briscoe, the man who Briscoe High is named after in the Nike ads..)

The golden boot

Matt Bryant, the world's first real-life fantasy football player, kicked a game-winning 62-yard field goal as you can see above. My best kick on a football video game is only 61 yards. I suck at Madden, apparently, because if you can do this in real life I ought to be able to do it on a video game.

Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits: A Merriman Update

Thanks to Shawne Merriman's love of needles in his ass and bacne, the Chargers expand their public opinion lead in the ongoing battle between Cincy and San Diego for the title of most troubled team in the NFL. That's right, last year's Defensive Rookie of the Year and Pro Bowl player is on the Brian Bosworth Fitness Program. Looks like he’ll miss the inmates-on-inmates brawl in Cincinnati on November 12th.

Now, while this doesn’t officially count towards San Diego’s arrest total, it does help make the team look even worse than it already did, and expunges one of the few remaining bright spots on the Chargers defense (a defense that really didn’t need yet another player getting hurt, suspended, or shot up by the cops) and sets Shawne up for the inevitable Odell Thurman yearlong-suspension and DUI double-play. I can smell it coming.

That Shawne Merriman, he’s a real competitor, isn’t he? Nobody wants to win more than him, and if you say you do want to win more than he does, he’ll have a steroid rage fit and rip your head off. Just like Todd Sauerbrun.

Fear of a Dirty Bomb

So, some retard was making threats about how there were going to be radiological “dirty bomb” attacks at several NFL stadia over the weekend. Specifically threatened were New York, Miami, Atlanta, Seattle, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland. Needless to say, the federal government, the NFL, and the individual stadium security teams have dismissed the truck-bomb threat as completely not credible, probably because of the points I’m about to go into below.

The most important issue, for me, is the loose interpretation of professional football that the poster is using. I mean, he did call the Dolphins, Texans, Raiders, and Browns professional football teams, so it’s not like he’s very smart. Can we really take someone that dumb at his threatening, poorly-typed word?

Read more, and get the bunk completely debunked.

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Denny Green says: "You are who I think you are!"

When an NFL Head Coach melts down in front of the press after a devastating loss, it’s more than entertainment--it’s an art form! NFL Coaches know how to blow their stack, and do it with style so that it will be remembered for years to come--or at least until next week’s game.

Monday night, after his Cardinals were gobbled up in the second half by a ferocious Bears defense resulting in a Chicago come-from-behind 24-23 victory, Dennis “Denny” Green stepped up to the podium and unleashed a forty-second flurry that still has sports fans buzzing. With new quotables like, “THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!” and “If you’re gonna crown them, THEN GO AHEAD AND CROWN THEY ASS!” it’s no wonder Denny’s inspired his Arizona Cardinals to a stirring 1-5 start.

That’s right Denny, the Bears were who you thought they were--the fucking Bears. And you were who they thought you were--the fucking Cardinals. The more I think about it the more I’ve come to believe that the Bears offensive machine wasn’t broken on Monday Night--they’ve just gotten so good they’ve decided to start tanking plays on purpose to dig themselves a hole just so they can have a challenge.

And so, after the game Denny assumes the position and delivers his meltdown in glorious fashion. Watching it reminded me of some of my favorite head coach meltdowns from seasons past. So, feeling nostalgic, I did like any other idiot with a keyboard does when they’re feeling nostalgic--I clicked over to Youtube to have my fill of some of that “good stuff.”

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Milwakee Bar Warning.

Koren-hole is now out of the NFL for no less than one year. According to the AP, Koren Robinson's plead of not guilty to drunk driving charges got him a year of sit down time. Guess the Pack is SOL yet again.

As you SBers remember, he was already covered because of his absurd trial. In case you don't want to read that far, this month, Robinson was sentenced to three months in jail for violating probation on a separate drunken-driving case in Kirkland, Wash., last year. He plans to serve that sentence after the season.

A note to the Wisconsin bars, Koren will come around for one last call before the judge realizes that his season is now over. Hopefully, you guys have enough beer around. Of course, the judge will probably not even get him until the whole season is over.

A reminder of why Washington judges suck, folks...

Hits & Shits--Week 6

Last night at the end of the third quarter, I sent an instant message to Jaime Sue, asking her if the Bears could come back and win the game. The Bears, at this point, were down 20. She said no, they couldn’t. Now I’m not rubbing it in or anything, because the poor girl’s got enough problems living in Broncos territory and being a Chargers fan. I’m just trying to establish that I’m not as dumb as my posting icon/”Hacksaw” Jim Duggan impersonation might suggest that I am.

All that being said, the Cardinals put in a lot of work to make me look good, and I thank them for that one. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here, and your Oakland Raiders would be hands down the worst team in football. As it stands, they’re significantly better than the Raiders. Why?

Because the Cardinals have a sexy new stadium with movable turf. How cool of an invention is that? They can move the whole field outside to get sun, then bring it back inside when the Bidwells realize that they built their stadium in a desert and Arizona’s average daytime temperature of 312 degrees is generally bad for greenery, no matter how well-watered it may be. Seriously, it’s a swank setup, and it’s a damn shame they can’t get a real NFL team to use it as their home stadium.

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How to Fix The Raiders, The SB Way : Part One

So, the Alameda County Correctional Facility Raiders are possibly the shittiest team in the National Football League.

I'm not trying to make fun of the Raiders. Let's be honest, I used to like the ol' Silver and Black Prison Camp. I fell in love with them back when Howie Long had long hair. I remember when Lyle Alzado was so 'roided up that he couldn't keep from getting ejected from the game. Of course, we now know the price he paid for that.

So, seriously. It seems that Al's living in the past. He thinks he's the end all and be all as far as the Silver and Black goes.

If you want my opinion, he's the biggest part of the problem. An old man who won't accept change. You've got millions of stories about this, but here's a modern version of it. So, in a non-mocking way, here's how to fix the Oakland Raiders in as short time as can be done.

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Ice Pack - 1, Pittsburgh Steelers - 0

Hey everybody, the doctor is in.

Since this is my first posting, I should introduce myself to the crowd. I'm known to many as Spindoctor, but I'll go by Spinler on here. I may not be the funniest of contributers, but I can throw the punches with the best of 'em. My major sports interests are Major League Baseball, the NFL, College Football, College Basketball, and International Soccer (the MLS blows). I would have to say I am a huge Minnesota Twins fan, which was helped by growing up in Minnesota. You may have noticed that I seem to comment a lot about Wyoming and the Mountain West, and this is cause its easier for me to comment on what I know and after spending 5 years "at altitude," it's what I am most familiar with. I have since moved into Pac-10 country, and let's just say, the grass isn't any greener here.

Now, enough about me and onto the real reason for the posting...

The defending Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers have a new nemesis this week, and it isn't the Kansas City Chiefs. Who might it be, you ask?

Well, it's not a who, but a what, and the what is none other than an ice pack. Steelers starting RG Kendall Simmons will be out for Sunday's game against the Chiefs because he got frostbite, in October! This peculiar injury occured when Simmons placed a "cooling device" on his foot to relieve a previous, non-gametime missing injury. He then managed to fall asleep with the device on his foot. He is listed as being out with an ice burn to his foot. How embarrassing must this be, not only for Simmons, but for the trainers of the Steelers as well. I guess the ice pack has finally gained its revenge on athletes.

This news made me want to investigate some of the other injuries that professional athletes have suffered off of the field that occured in strange ways. I will take excerpts from a list of injuries to professional baseball players that I found on

*Clint Barmes (Colorado Rockies) - Broke his collarbone when he fell down the stairs carrying deer meat into his apartment.

*Ken Griffey Jr. (Seattle Mariners) - Griffey once missed a game after suffering a pinched testicle from his protective cup.

*Rickey Henderson (Toronto Blue Jays) - Missed several games because of frostbite…in August…caused by falling asleep on an ice pack. Funny how Simmons didn't learn his lesson from Rickey.

*Sammy Sosa (Chicago Cubs) - Missed a game after throwing out his back…while sneezing.

And one from the NFL...

*The great Roger Craig (San Francisco 49ers) - Cut his hand…while undoing a bra strap. Awesome.

The OC: Original Clarett

Way back when, Rich and I did a little article called “The Maurice Clarett Memorial Mug-Shot Top 10.” We had fun with a few guys, cracked a few jokes, and a good time was had by all (well, everyone who wasn’t killed, robbed, or beaten by the miscreants mentioned in the post). Unfortunately, we left off one person. Hell, we should’ve named the award after this guy, but he slipped our minds because it’s been a few years since he reminded us just how crazy he is.

Lawrence Phillips' mugshot

Ladies and Gentlemen: I present to you Mr. Lawrence Phillips. That’s right, he’s back and crazier than ever! Boy, how we’ve missed him, too.
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Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits

There’s a new race for NFL supremacy being played out right now, but it’s not one of the obvious battles. No, it’s in addition to all those battles for divisional crowns, playoff berths, and bragging rights over longtime rivals. It’s not the battle for the Brady Quinn sweepstakes. Hell, it’s not even the battle currently being waged between Ben Roethlisberger and Brett Favre for most interceptions in a season.

This is a race between the San Diego Chargers and the Cincinnati Bengals to see which team can have the most arrests during the season. “The Chargers?” you might be asking yourself. “Since when were they in Cincinnattica’s league?”

Since they went all out, brother.

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Let's go Plummering

I was reading The Mighty MJD’s Sunday Smorgasbord from Week 4, and I came across this little tidbit that I’m posting up here just for Jaime Sue. She’s been under the weather for a few days, so here’s a quote that I know will cheer her up.

"And Vince Young Plummers a pass for a Cowboys TD. Plummer is a new verb, by the way… it means to throw a pass that was completely unnecessary and has almost no benefit that ends up in the hands of a defender and results in a touchdown for the defense. To be successful, Vince Young must limit his Plummering."

Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears Da Bears...

In honor of the Chicago Bears (or Chicawgo Bearssss if you're from there) rolling up their record to 5-0 for the first time since 1986, I present to you these classic Saturday Night Live skit.

The Indy 500

Jordan and Da Superfans

The Thirsty Traveler: Koren Robinson

In a shocking development, Koren Robinson was sentenced for yet another DUI. In other shocking news (possibly heralding the end times), the Texans can’t block anyone, the sun rose this morning, and fish can’t breathe out of water. Just like we predicted when K-Hole became a Packer...

Robinson appeared in Municipal Court in this Seattle suburb (Kirkland, Washington) that is home to the headquarters of his original NFL team, the Seahawks. It was the same court in which he pleaded guilty last year to drunken driving.

At the time, Robinson was given a five-year sentence that was suspended on the condition he not drink or have any other law violations.

Of course, then he goes and has another DUI. That means K-Hole is gonna get cornholed in the pokey, right? Of course not. Cue the outrage.

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Hits & Shits--Week 4

Sorry for skipping last week, gang. In all the excitement over T.O. attempting to Hendrix himself, I got a little distracted. Every time I sat down to hash out the week, something else came up and got in the way. That’s my bad, since I know how much you all look forward to my long-but-funny recap.

Week Four (or Week 4) continued what has been a pretty significant football trend over the young season. Eight of the week’s 14 games were decided by a touchdown or less, including Sunday’s overtime game between the Redskins and Jaguars. Despite the NFL’s terrible overtime system, in which the coin flip basically decides the game, the League has been really entertaining. There’ll be blowouts, sure, but with professional football and parity, you’re more likely going to see tough contests than you’d see at the college level. When every game counts, everyone steps up their games.

Unless, of course, you’re an Oakland Raider.

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The Titans learn a new defensive play...

Let's sing, shall we.?

Albert the Retard, has a ten pound water head
He came to me and said with glee,
"I face washed that faggot, ha ha!"


Just because Joe Seannoa does it (Samoa Joe, for the slow), doesn't mean it's a cool move to put on the football field. I think Joe might doing that move stop thanks to your retarded ass, Al.

Here's the prize that Albie gets, kids. Five game suspension, possible assault and battery charges, and probably might never play for Jeff Fisher (or the the NFL) again. Goodell is pissed. Fisher is pissed. The Tuna is homocidal.

Let's also top that off with NFLPA President and brain damaged former lineman, Gene Upshaw, possibly filing an appeal. God, we've got a fucking mess. So, I'm going to say this just once to Gene Upshaw, don't even call Goodell with an appeal statement. Just don't. File that appeal and we will dog you until the ends of the fucking earth for this. Besides, Gene-boy. Is this the image you want for your Players Union...

I'd hope not.