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This is the archive for September 2006

Armageddon comes on Halloween of 2006...

I'm going to say this very bluntly. To the readers of Sports Bastards: Run for the fucking hills this Halloween! Why, you ask?

Because the NBA's spokesman for anger management classes is coming out with his brand new rap album. That's right, Ronnie "The Retard" Artest is coming out with an album. Hey, SLAM, do the letters "GED" mean anything? Get one, for fuck's sake.

Seems Ron really did use the free time that Davey Stern gave him to produce absolutely nothing. In fact, I'll leave you with an image that'll burn into your very soul. Yes, even worse than a Rob Zombie movie...

For this Halloween, Ronnie the Retard is dressing as a rapper

An Open Letter to Bay Area Football Fans…

Living in Northern California, and listening to a lot of sports radio, I'm forced to listen to a bunch of idiots who allow their blind devotion to their favorite team to shadow them from the truth. Therefore, I'd like to take this time to write an open letter to all Bay Area football fans, in the hopes that I may inject a little much needed truth into their lives.

Under the Tarp: Accumulated Wrestling Crud vol. 1

Y’know, posting one post per wrestling news story would probably be nice--and what Ron is wanting from me--but given the copious amounts of time I choose to waste on other projects (or no projects at all), I’m finding that collecting all the hottest stories from the wacky world of wrestling into one nifty, easy to read post works better for my schedule. I’m sure if Mr. Sports Nazi has a problem with it, he’ll let me know, and this will be the only volume of what I’m hoping will be a weekly feature. Either way, enjoy this one while you can, because you never know what the future holds. I mean, you could die tomorrow--or even worse, I could die tomorrow.

Conspiracy theories, go!

So Terrell Owens is now just the victim of an accidental overdose. Or so Team Owens would have us believe. Just when you think T.O. may have built up a little positive cred by admitting he fucked up and ate a little too much goofanthol, his publicist starts the spin cycle, and hard.

At a news conference Wednesday, Owens denied the strongest parts of the police report, which was obtained by media outlets before most details were blacked out in the formal release. [T.O’s publicist Kim] Etheredge lashed out at authorities, saying, "I am just upset that I just feel they take advantage of Terrell. Had this been someone else, this may not have happened."

Look, you had most of us at least feeling sympathetic towards your client/meal ticket Terrell. I’ve had to take Vicodin before. Rich has posted here while on Vicodin before. It’s hard to think, let alone write and answer questions. Those pills are abused for a reason. Even at the dosage for my weight, I was pretty loopy in the week after my wisdom teeth were removed and I’m sure Rich would agree if he wasn’t so high.

Those pills are some serious shit, and it’s not surprising to me at all that after you had one or two in you that you might get confused and take some more a little too soon, especially if you just, say, had surgery on your hand and then decided to go catch some Tony Romo hot routes a week later.

Then Kim Etheredge, supposed publicist, screws the pooch like the star of an Amsterdam sex show.

The Me.O. Suicide Watch?

So T.O. apparently took a few too many happy pills with his nightly pile of supplements and had a bad reaction. Well, so he says, but the day I believe him is the day I bareback a girl after she's absorbed a Tommy Lee hepatitis load.

According to the leaked police report, which is everywhere, his publicist found him unresponsive at about 8:00. She freaked out and called the cops to keep her meal ticket alive. When they got there, they found a bottle of generic Vicodin (really, generic? TO, you're a millionaire, get the real shit!) empty. When they asked his stoned ass, T.O. said he ate all the pills because he was trying to hurt himself.

Then again, he was probably so high he couldn't find his dick with both hands and the help of a gaggle of coked-up strippers. T.O. doesn't have a history of drug use, but this is the NFL. If he wants drugs, he knows exactly where to get his drugs.

Thanks to my intrepid reporting, I know T.O.'s supplier. Surprisingly, it's not Odell Thurman or any of the other Bengals. He was probably afraid to go to Ohio for fear of being robbed by Maurice Clarett and A.J. Nicholson, or shot by Chris Henry. However, it was a member of the SportsBastards Maurice Clarett Memorial Mug Shot Top 10.

Click below for the terrible secret the T.O. timeline won't tell you.

John Byron Nelson, Jr. (February 4, 1912 - September 26, 2006)

Winners are different. They're a different breed of cat. - Byron Nelson

Byron Nelson passed away today at age 94. Not only was Mr. Nelson one of the all-time great golfers, he was also one of the sports greatest ambassadors, giving his name to the Byron Nelson Classic (the only former golfer to be the namesake of an event) and serving as a mentor and an inspiration to thousands of young golfers.

Born on a ranch in Texas, Nelson grew up with fellow golf legend Ben Hogan, caddying with him at the same country club as a youth. Nelson turned pro in 1932, willing his first major tournament in 1937. However, it is season in 1945 that put him head and shoulders above peers like Hogan and Sam Snead.

Unable to serve in the military due to a blood condition, Nelson turned his attention to the game of golf, winning 18 tournaments in 1945, including the never-to-be-repeated 11 in a row. In the years between 1942 and 1945, he made 65 top 10 finishes in a row. He won 52 tournaments for his career, including 5 Majors in a period when the Majors were mostly postponed.

Something even more amazing about Nelson, per Wikipedia: Nelson's record of 113 consecutive cuts made is second only to Tiger Woods' 142. It should be noted that the PGA Tour defines a "cut" as receiving a paycheck, even if an event has no cut per se. In Nelson's era, only the top 20 in a tournament received a check. In reality, Nelson's "113 consecutive cuts made" are representative of his unequalled 113 consecutive top 20 tournament finishes. Woods has only managed 21 consecutive top 20 finishes in his career.

He retired young, at age 34, to follow his lifelong dream of running his own ranch. "When I was playing regularly, I had a goal," Nelson recalled in a BBC article. "I could see the prize money going into the ranch, buying a tractor, or a cow. It gave me an incentive."

The Saints Went Marching In...

I'm going to get off my SB soapbox, and I'm going to be an emotional fanboy. All my life, I only had about two teams in my life which I loved. The Cowboys and the Saints. Seems that's not going to change anytime soon as I got the pizza and beer out with my brother, and we saw history.

Even though I had the worst headache of my life last night, I stayed up as much as I could to watch what is probably going to be the game we all remember when we're old and gray. As much as Ron's favorite, The Dirty Birds with the SexyBack Option, wanted to deny it. They were being fed to the wolves.

You could just sense the excitement of the crowd. And then, you saw the blocked punt. Let's face it, momentum went to the Voodoo Army. While this game doesn't lessen anything about the situation in New Orleans or the Gulf Coast, it did give the people a sense of hope.

They saw the special teams dominate. They saw Fujita bow to them on the sack they made. They saw Mr. Saint himself, Joe Horn, catching the ball. And they saw the Phenom, Reggie Bush, cause the Falcons so many headaches. All of this while Deuce chalked up the yards. All of this led to the one thing that's final in the books: Saints 23, Falcons 3.

And they're left with this last image, on they almost thought they wouldn't see again...

The Saints marching on as winners, with Tom Benson leading the way, back into the locker room and into the stands. Go Saints...

Now we have the most historic game of the 21st Century in the books, so what's next?

The best time of year

This post may go in lots of different directions, but pretend to follow and I'll reward you with a cookie. It's called a tangent. Enjoy it!

I consider myself a sports fan, as most of the bloggers and readers here would consider themselves. But let me tell you what I love about sports. I love rivalries, I love speed, I love it hard and I love it when there's the possibility of pain and I love it even more when there is pain.

This is why I love NASCAR, hockey, football, bull riding, rugby, and lacrosse, and why I'm not as huge of a fan of say... basketball, baseball, and tennis. Sure, there are non-contact sports I enjoy, but I'd never choose to watch a non-contact sport over a contact one.

This is why that I'm thrilled to be watching preseason hockey. You're probably going.. “Oh, preseason.” But to me, it's “YES! PRESEASON!” as evident by tonight's preseason game between the Colorado Avalanche and Detroit Red Wings.

What a great preseason game. They don't go easy on one another. In fact, this is the second preseason game thus far between the two teams that has ended in an overtime win by my Colorado Avalanche. For those of you who don't thnk preseason games matter I think the players and fans would be prone to disagree. While it may not count towards the greatest of all hockey rewards, the Stanley Cup, it matters for pride. Tthat's why players don't hold back their emotions in these preseason games and they have at one another, dropped their gloves and throwing a few good punches.

So, look forward to one of the greatest times of year to be a sports fan. You have hockey, football (pro and college), NASCAR and PBR. Even for those who are not fans of those sports, you also have baseball, golf and much more.

So, cheer up, gear up, and get ready to be a sports fan.

The Pantheon of Badassery: Chris Simms

So, I’m sure you’ve all heard about Chris Simms by now. For those of you that haven’t, here’s the gist of what went down.

During the entire Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Carolina Panters game, Chris Simms, since he’s on Tampa Bay, got beaten up pretty badly. He took some big hits really early, and he was kind of laboring the whole game. He looked like he’d hurt his ribs, and his teammates even said he looked hurt from the first quarter on.

Well, as we all know now, it turns out Chris Simms may have played basically the entire Tampa Bay/Carolina game (aside from part of the third quarter) with a ruptured fucking spleen, in addition to suffering from vomiting and dehydration (which might have to do with, I don’t know, blowing out an internal organ?).

It got so bad he left the game during the third quarter for treatment, then came out in the fourth quarter and led a scoring drive. Then they took him to the hospital, gave him a blood transfusion, and removed his spleen.

You think you would notice if you blew out your spleen, wouldn’t you? Even if it came on that vicious hit in the fourth quarter (which seems to be the common belief), he still finished the game out despite the fact that, had things not gone right, he could be dead right now.

Maybe Chris Simms is tougher than I could have ever imagined. Maybe he’s just that fucking stupid. Or maybe these guys spend so much time hurt what’s one more new ache and pain? Either way, I have a new level of respect for Phil’s son.

Speaking of Phil and the inevitable comparisons to the old man, could the old man have blown out an internal organ and still played the game? I’m not sure; it’s a hell of an injury to withstand. I guess it depends on if Lawrence Taylor switched water bottles with him.

Playing with a ruptured spleen is pretty fucking amazing, but not nearly as amazing as the fact that Chris Simms is able to stuff his gigantic balls into his pants without the aid of a crowbar. My hat’s off to you, man.

Christian Wrestling Doesn't Pay, so Russo Heads Back to TNA

It may not be that big of a deal to some, but whenever the infamous "Vic Venom" is allowed to book anywhere, my interest is immediately piqued. Considering the roller coaster career Vince Russo has had, having held the main booking position in each of the major three promotions in the last ten years (WWE, WCW, and TNA -- I'm not counting ECW here), I'm shocked anybody in the "sports entertainment" world would shake this guys hand, let alone give him any kind of control. Let's just look at his history as a booker...

Angle in MMA?!!


"In a surprising move given his health issues (but perhaps not so surprising, given his past drive athletically), former WWE champion Kurt Angle is preparing and gearing up to compete in the world of Mixed Martial Arts, according to a number of sources.

Angle, who was released by World Wrestling Entertainment, has not had any contact with the company since the week of his release, after the company released a text message noting that Angle was in a bad emotional state following the meeting that led to his release.

Angle's manager, Dave Hawk, has contacted a number of media outlets in recent days, touting that Angle would make his MMA debut in 2007 and was in discussions with a number of MMA groups. Angle recently conducted an interview with MMA magazine Real Fighter as well, pushing his interests in competing in MMA."

Kurt, for the love of God, stop trying to commit career and actual suicide. Sit your ass at home and stay off TV. We don't want a situation like Ted DiBiase's father, man.

The Vince McMahon [Bad] Advice Guide: Entry 1

Ok, so I was channel surfing the other day when I come across the VH1 hit reality TV shot, "Hogan Know's Best." Me, being bored and a wrestling fan, which, oddly enough happens alot to wrestling fans because of our superior attention span...I decided to give the show a glance over. Now, this isn't the first time I've ever watch the show, and, probably, it won't be the last.

Anyway, back to the subject that I was trying, but failing, to talk about.

Hits and Shits--Week 2

Week 2 had some great action and some terrible developments, which can be illuminated using two games that set records for offensive futility. One game was a gripping defensive struggle, and the other was a crap festival. All that is great and terrible about the NFL can be summed up by examining two games: the great Jacksonville/Pittsburgh heavyweight brawl and the John Ruiz level turd Denver/Kansas City.

Jacksonville/Pittsburgh had a lot of hype, considering it was the return of Big Ben Worthlessburger to the Pittsburgh backfield after an appendectomy. Granted, he wasn’t 100% medically, what with missing a useless internal organ, but this is the same team that made Charlie Batch (which I almost mistyped as “Charlie Biatch”) look like an all pro. Surely given something to work with they’d look even better and demolish the whitest black starting quarterback in the NFL, right? I mean, Leftwich is practically a Bledsoe level statue, isn’t he?


Fight the Power!

Check it out, gang. Orioles fans are rightfully mad about the team’s terrible and evil owner Peter Angelos, and they’re going to do something about it. More power to them, I say. That’s why I’m spreading the word.

I love stuff like this. I love when passionate fans get together to do something about the state of their favorite blowful franchise. I love the “Fire Millen!” and “Fire Thomas!” chants from Lions and Knicks fans, I love wearing a paper bag over your head. I love the “Ain’ts” and the “0 for Life” guy Luis uses as an avatar.

Get mad and show the world you’re mad in the biggest way possible. This protest, with march and organized mass exodus timed just in time to get on the 6:00 news (and SportsCenter), hopefully will be the thing to revitalize a secondary franchise.

I still don’t like Boston fans, though. Seriously, you characterize your team as the underdogs when you’re the second biggest spending franchise in baseball? Get real. Stop all the whining, douche out the crust, and consider yourselves lucky you’re not Kansas City.

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I guess I'll go eat worms.

Hello. My name is JK. I'm not as well versed at this whole "sports" opinion thingie as my fellow Bastards, but that won't stop me from sharing a few of the sports-related nuggets that form in my brain, which I then slide into my bowels so that I may shit them out for all to read and enjoy. A little more about turn-ons are: confidence, hygiene, and a sense of humor. My turn-offs are: rudeness, poor hygiene, and ugly people. Now on with the bastage-iz-ing!

Pro wrestling might not be a real sport to some of you, but it's very real to me--especially when I hear of poor, muscle-headed saps like Marty Wright getting the boot while out with an injury. If you were watching WWE Smackdown during the fall of '05, you no doubt got to see Marty Wright in action as The Boogeyman. The Boogeyman was a toothless freak that danced like a choking chicken, carried a smoking pole, and enjoyed sucking down a worm or two. He bulldozed through the ranks with lightning speed, squashing legendary superstars like Nunzio (aka ECW's Little Guido), Vito (formerly of the Baldies, also from ECW), and even John Bradshaw Layfield (aka JBL), who had just spent most of '04, and the first quarter of '05 as the WWE Heavyweight Champion. But it was during a feud with Booker T that Boogey's elevator ride to the top would have its cables snap--along with his left bicep--causing his storybook career to plummet back down to earth.

Apparently, the Boogeyman was only supposed to sit on the shelf for about four months to recover from surgery. But what was four months soon stretched itself to six months, and after repeated warnings to get his shit together for a return, WWE finally decided to pull the plug on him. No more Boogeyman nursery rhymes; no more broken clocks over the head; no more crazy voodoo struts; and no more Marty Wright.

Goodbye Boogeyman. We hardly knew you, yet we saw more than enough. Just remember, like "Crazy Joe" Clark once told Kid Ray, "You'll be dead in a year, son. You'll be dead in a year."

New Rules for September 20, 2006.

First off, SB welcomes Mr. Baseball Encyclopedia himself, Peter Gammons, back to work at ESPN. The man suffered a brain aneurysm, which is very serious in nature. If you're into inside baseball dealings, he's your man for that, really. But seriously, Pete, thanks for giving even us SBers a little more insight on the shit we don't understand. Keep going and get even better, man.

Alright, fuckies. Enough nice, rule time. So, the new rules:

As mentioned above, you are not an authority on baseball. He is. We're not insiders, we're reporters of what we hear. Well, in SB's case, we make fun of what we hear. Let's not get that confused.

If your team is losing then the score does fucking matter, so quit posing, faggot. Fucking do your job and win. Detroit's already had enough misery, fuckhead. The Tigers sucked, and now they're winning. Step up, you fucking studio gangsta.

An addendum to the standing rule for the national anthem: the rules are meant for the athletes. If you are in the cheap seats, we understand the fear of heights.

Pac-10 officals always have and always will be subpar. Get used to having that loss, you Oklahomos.

Also, never trust a Pac-10 official to get anything right for anything. They can't get games between their own teams right, and they need to be out.

Pete Carroll, nobody gives a shit what Brent Musburger says. You've got more important shit to worry about. Like losing the 2005 trophy, thanks to Reggie and Matt.

Jason Giambi is not the fucking authority on jack fucking shit. You've got a Tic Tac ballsack and a Pixy Stick dick with a Mardi Gras head now. Get off A-Rod's ass and shut the fuck up, 'Roid Boy. He's choked less in the clutch than you have.

Big Ben will be fine. I'd like to see you come back to work after an appendectomy. I'll bet that you can't. I had five teeth taken out, and I found it hard to write here or for other places. Lay off, he'll get back to it.

Derek Jeter may be the captain, but I'm calling him out. Jeet, you're a douchebag. Read above on why.

More NFL name changes. Carolina is now BALCO East. And you pretty much have the Giambi/Bonds effect there now, only they suck a lot more.

Tennessee Titans will not finish above .500 this season. Next season is looking fucking grim due to the lovely Jaime Sue's team getting the only QB that can do shit on the Titans. Go Chargers.

The Tennessee Vols could actually beat the Tennessee Titans, but then again, so could Carson-Newman College. At least Carson-Newman has a kicker when it matters.

Yes, the more weight Phillip Fulmer loses, the more they manage to win, except against Florida. Don't know how, just going with it. Maybe when he loses the equivalent weight of WeeMan from Jackass, they might get a National Title again. Although last I checked, he needed a black quarterback to do it.

Mike Vanderjagtass comes back in time for the Redskins, only to watch as T.O. breaks a finger. Don't worry, he'll be back for Philly. The Cowboys can afford to let him sit against the Titans. The third string needs the practice anyways.

That's all I got.

An official SB get well card for David Pollack and Jevon Kearse.

We're going to give a nice Big Man award to David Pollack from the Cincinattica Bengals. As most people know by know about David, shit really did happen. His wife released the following statement about him. She stated that the C6 (Cerivical Section Number 6) vertebrae was the culprit. Anyone who wants to know the seriousness of this break, the wiki on Cervical vertebrae tells where the Cervical section covers. This is the vertebrae from the skull to the top of your ribs. Hopefully, he'll come back by next season, but it's a wait and see. He risks the nerve damage, paralysis, and loss of limb movement should he reinjure his neck. As of now, he's mobile and active, but understandably sore.

Also, a get well to Jevon Kearse. The Philadelphia Freak is effectively done for the season, also. Kearse tore at least three major ligaments. His knee is effectively finished, as is he for the season. The same knee that helped push him out of Tennessee is now hurting him in Philly.

Surgery is likely, and it's a shame. Kearse started as a breakout big man in Tennessee, until injuries took away his effectiveness. He went to Philly because of the fact that Tennessee wasn't willing to give a sizable contract due to the risks. Now, it seems Philly is seeing just why the Titans let him go. Hopefully surgery will bring him back to form like it did David Pollack's teammate, Carson Palmer. However, Palmer's a young guy and Kearse is not as young, in addition to a history of knee problems.

Freak, you might want to consider retirement, bro. I know you can find a broadcasting job. Just look at John Madden, and you know they'll hire anyone...

"I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger."

First a guy gets shot in the butt in an off-campus gunfight with drug dealers, then we have kicker-on-kicker violence break out in D-II Northern Colorado of all places. Now 5 hoopsters get shot on the campus of their Catholic university.

What’s next? The NCAA having a heart for once? The New Orleans Saints with a winning record? Oh… oh my God… The Rapture is upon us!

These truly are the end times, gang. Make your peace with the God or Gods of your choice, and hurry! My personal choice is Jobu. Jesus? I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.

The Crystal Ball on Week Three

We here at Sports Bastards aren't much on predicting. In fact, we get borderline mean. Fuck, we're brutal on a lot of things. But I'm going to be the voice of hope, for once. For you sports fans, if you can get ESPN. Turn it on next week. If you can't, sports bar it, or hell, spend time with friends and beer.

Why, you say?

Week Three, Monday Night Football. The 2-0 Atlanta Falcons vs. the 2-0 New Orleans Saints?!!

That's right. Two undefeated teams. The setting: The New Orleans Superdome. The Saints are undefeated and coming back home as such. The Falcons are undefeated, and they're wanting to spoil the homecoming. Name any time in football you have a match like this. Where New Orleans is now getting back to its collective feet after the most devastating hurricane in US history.

When they ask, "Are you ready for some football?!!" I can answer this, I think we all are. This is the biggest game on this half of the season right now. It might not matter later on, but for right now, it means everything to New Orleans. The Saints are marching in, undefeated and coming home. No matter who wins, New Orleans still wins. Why? Because that means the Saints are back home, and everything will come back eventually.

While you're watching this game, toast a beer to hope...

Dear Coach Weis,

It's bad enough that you almost lost to Georgia Tech. You gave the Irish hope when you beat Old Man Winter himself, JoePa, in your yard. However, next time, don't listen to douchebags like this...

...when making a game plan against the Wolverines. Like the saying goes, "You don't send Irishmen against Wolverines. It ends badly..."

Remember, Chuck, a 47 to 21 loss doesn't get you to the pay window, it gets you the same fate as Doug Williams. FIRED.

Welcome to Bizarro World

Well, for all the talk I've muttered since the Hurricanes got walloped by Florida State, the official downfall of Miami is complete. How do I know this?

#17 Miami (FL) - 7
#12 Louisville - 31

That's how I know it. Nevermind the fact that they lost to a FSU team that's proving to be highly overrated (since they didn't look good beating Miami and got beaten today by Baylor in the Bowden Bowl), the Miami Hurricanes lost to a University of Louisville squad that was missing both its primary running back (in Michael Bush, out for the season with a broken leg) and its quarterback, Brian Brohm, who left in the third quarter with strained ligaments in his thumb.

Not only did Miami lose, they lost big. Hunter Cantwell, U of L's backup quarterback, was 3/4 for 113 yards and a touchdown against the much-vaunted Miami D. As it turns out, Miami's defense sucks as much as their offense, and it took the firepower of Bobby Petrino's Cards to expose what Bobby Bowden's mediocre FSU team couldn't. Neither team looked good last week, and both FSU and Miami proved that they aren't good this week.

Kudos to them for proving me right. Man, I'm one prognosticatin' motherfucker.

An open letter to Michelle Wie

Dear Michelle Wie,

I get it. Really, I do. You want to be the first woman to make the cut at a men’s golf event. You want to go someplace where hall of famers like Babe Didrikson Zaharias and Annika Sörenstam could never go at an age where they couldn’t even dream about teeing it up with the fellas.

While I appreciate the effort, it’s time to stop. Really, it was cute and all the first five times you tried and failed, but it’s time to stop playing the tomboy and start, you know, playing with women. Let’s be honest here: You’ve never won a goddamn thing in your life. Okay, so you won the 2003 USGA Women's Amateur Public Links. BFD.

Here’s my hankie, babe. You’re gonna need this by the time I’m done with you.

This is our Holy Grail, Folks

I wonder where ol' Chris Everett is, probably taking in the ass. Go, Rome, go!

You tell it, brother!

This is probably one of the best things I've seen in quite awhile. This guy is a natural-born SportsBastard!

I am... not Tiger Woods.

So in the upset of the century, Tiger Woods lost to someone at the World Match Play Championship. I know he’s lost before, to guys like Vijay Singh, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els… you know, guys with names.

But do you know who beat Tiger at the Match Play Championships? Shaun Micheel. No, not the professional wrestler Shawn Michaels. While Tiger might be able to out-drive him, the Heartbreak Kid could totally drop El Tigre with a superkick and show him who’s boss. Not Sean Michaels, the porn star. Tiger may be half-black, but he’s also half-Asian, which means while Tiger might be longer off the tee, Sean Michaels is longer where it counts.

Just check this out, gang.

This guy beat Tiger Woods.

Mother Fucker, I said SPRITE!


"Former ECW star New Jack was arrested during the debut Pro Wrestling Xplosion event in Philadelphia, PA at the New Alhambra Arena following an incident where Jack became physically involved with either a woman or a security guard (depending on which version of the story you believe), which led to 20 police officers being called to the scene."


"According to a few reports we received, Jack was involved in a loud situation at the concession stand yelling at an employee, which led to either a woman or a security guard (not associated with Atlas Security) being physically assaulted. One story making the rounds, if you can believe this one (and given this business, I can), is that Jack was upset over being given 7-Up instead of Sprite. The venue then called the police, with 20 cops arriving in multiple police cars. Jack was then arrested and obviously, removed from the show."

Same ol' shit with Jerome Young, isn't it, kids?

The Bird is the Word

Somewhere, Francisco Liriano is sitting in the office of an arthroscopic surgeon, wondering just who in the hell Mark Fidrych is and why everyone keeps comparing the two of them.

Throw me back on the ice.

In shocking news for many NHL fans, the New York Islanders announced today that Goalie Rick DiPetro has signed a fifteen year contract worth a reported 67.5 million dollars. That means DiPetro has agreed to keep playing hockey for the Islanders until he is nearly forty years old.

One thing is for sure, the five and ten year life plan goal questions certainly go to waste on Rick DiPetro. What do plan to be doing in ten years? Playing goalie for the Islanders!

This is the longest contract ever in the NHL and only second in the popular sports world to Magic Johnson's contract with the Lakers in 1981, a 25 year agreement. Now clearly, Magic didn't end up playing for 25 years with the Lakers. So, do you all think that DiPetro will still be on the ice fifteen years from now playing goalie? Do we want him to still be playing goalie fifteen years from now?

And just a reminder for everyone -- NHL season starts October 4th. And if you're interested in playing Fantasy Hockey against the team just comment with your email address and we'll consider inviting you to play with us. And no, we don't think you can beat us.

Sports Bastards New Rules - September 12th Edition

Alright, lets start firing this off.

The New Rules:

If your new player has more drunken driving charges than your entire team, don't get that player and make your team worse.

Cincinnati is no longer Cincinnati. It will forever be called Cincinattica.

God really does hate Cleveland, but a lot less than San Francisco.

It doesn't matter what race, color, creed, or religion you are. Unless you're paralyzed, please stand for the National Anthem, fuckhead.

If you're going to retire, fucking retire. This means you Junior Seau.

New England is a frugal team, but one that gets results. Don't be a cunt like Deion Branch and turn them down. Shut up and play and win your ring, bitch.

If you suck at Qqarterback, watch out. The rookies are a lot better and a lot stronger than you are. I'm looking at you, Kerry and Jake.

Steroids and HGH can and will shrink your balls and inflate your head, pardon me if I like my 8 inch dick with grapefruits and being able to wear hats off the rack over being a sports machine.

NBA players, quit bitching about the suit rule. Pardon Stern for making sure you look like men instead of fucking hood rats.

In the sake of all of us John Q. Fuckies having to sacrifice a bit for gas, all athletes need to quit buying Bentleys and Hummers. Now.

Just because Jay-Z owns your team doesn't mean it's a good thing. Especially when no-talent booty whore Beyonce comes around to watch practice. Trust me, with that coffee table ass, you won't be doing much practicing.

Drew Rosenhaus needs to stay out of the following sports: NBA, MLB, NHL, MLS, and European sports. However, he is allowed in Major League Lacrosse, if he behaves properly.

Jay Mariotti is a douchebag and he always will be a douchebag. Get him off of Around the Horn before I gut Tony Reali.

But when it comes to it, Tony Reali is smarter than you are about sports, and that includes the sportswriters. Woody Page comes in second. Mariotti and Skip Bayless are the bottom of the fucking barrel on that standing.

Betting sites don't know a god damn thing about sports. If they do, they fixed the game. Otherwise, they're guessing like we are. They have thousands of hours of time invested in stealing your money.

Poker is not a sport. Actually, if you're playing drunk like Ron and I do, it is a sport. Because it's a sport to stay upright after a fifth of Jim Beam.

That's all I got, the crew will give more later.

Hits and Shits--Week 1 Edition

We all love football 'round these parts, and as such, we've decided to bust our our picks for the best and worst of week one. Unlike the other posters, who were insightful and funny, I'm just going to be funny. Be on the look out for plenty of drug and poop references!

The Hot Shit: Pittsburgh Steelers—I really can’t even consider other teams this week. I mean, really, only one teamhad to overcome the handicap that is starting quarterback Charlie Batch. They've proven something to me, and that's the fact that you don't need a good quarterback to be successful in the NFL, just a warm body.

Cold, Frothy Diarrhea: Green Bay—Can’t play defense, can’t block, and your only good player spends more time on his back than Jenna Jameson. Their offensive line is a joke, their defense sucks, and their special teams is special only in that it is retarded and requires special education to teach it not to shit on itself. When you sign an alcoholic fuckup and he’s an improvement over what you have, you’re in trouble.

Rich's NFL Studs and Shit - Week One

Alright, folks. I'm on a Percocet trip today. So, I have little to no mercy on the NFL right now. However, I'm up to giving the proper awards to the proper people.

This is James Richard Brown's official start of the NFL Season.

The Week One Studs and Shit will now commence.

The rules are simple, I pick the difference makers and the differerence killers, along with the top teams, and blend them into a post like so.

Read on to the rest, shall we?

In a week full of upsets. . .

Jaime Sue’s Studs & Duds of Week 1

Best Team of the Week : San Diego Chargers -- The last of the Big Ben/Eli Manning class of quarterbacks has had his start. And while Rivers didn't go for big giant plays for the majority of the game, he showed that he has what it takes to take the helm for the San Diego Chargers and that he can make the big plays when asked to do so. The rest of the Chargers offensive line had a great game, LT had one, and the Chargers defense held up their end of the bargain. That makes the Chargers my favorite team of the week.

Worst Team of the Week: Oakland Raiders -- The Oakland Raiders start off the season again proving why they will once again be the number one team. No, not for anything good, but instead for the team with the most penalties against them. Anytime the Raiders attempted to get momentum going, they would screw themselves over with a penalty. They rushed the kicker not once, but twice. Furthermore, the Raiders' ammount of total yards was pathetic and they only managed to up that stat in the last minute of the game, but it was for nothing. The Raiders, who have been shut out at home only one time before, are my biggest loser of the week.

Read more to see Studs and Duds for Sunday


The Packers, in a desperate attempt to shore up their all-around terrible team, have signed former Seahawk and Viking Koren Robinson.

Word is, in addition to his drunken-driving and punt-return skills, he'll play cornerback, linebacker, wide reciever, return punts, return kicks, punt AND kick, and gain 150lbs to man the offensive line. Also, he plans on taking over the offensive playcalling, head coaching, and GM gig.

Will the real Jake Plummer please stand up?

That's right ladies and gentlemen -- the real Jake Plummer has entered the building. While Jake fooled Denver into keeping him for another year, by a good performance last year, so he could actually earn money on his contract. The real Jake the Snake has returned to QB for Denver.

Today, Jake Plummer threw three interceptions and he was sacked not once, but four times. Now just to provide you with some perspective -- Jake only threw seven interceptions the entire 2005 season. But in 2004 he threw for twenty interceptions. And not since 2000 has Denver turned over the ball as many times as it has today. What does this mean for Jake, for the Broncos and for football fans in general? It means that the old Jake Plummer has returned. If you have Jake Plummer in your fantasy football team, I'd dump him in a heart beat. Pick up someone better, someone that might actually earn you points. And if you bet on a future for Denver to win the super bowl -- well, I hope you can change your bet.

So, I'm now taking all bets. How long until Denver tires of the old Jake and benches him in favor of his replacement -- Cutler?

And the Chase is set.

Much to Tony Stewart's own surprise -- he won't be in that chase for the championship. For the first time in Smoke's career he won't be in the top ten in drivers. And this writer is absolutely estatic about it.

Now, we could follow Tony's example and say that Tony just didn't get it done. That the other ten drivers are just better. But that wouldn't be one hundred percent correct. The truth is that Karma just finally caught up with Tony Stewart and as he stood there on pit lane being interviewed following the race it was tears of sadness, not joy, that Tony was wiping away.

Class versus Ass

Notre Dame vs. Penn State is how college football is supposed to look. Open-air stadium, stripes in the endzone, nameless jerseys, not a single piece of astroturf to be seen, and gorgeous uniforms. The blue and gold of the Irish versus the white and navy of State College just gives this matchup the look that I want my college football to have. It's got some visual appeal to it, and the football was spectacular, if you're an Irish fan like myself.

Let's compare, shall we? A simple football education for you folks at home concerning aesthetics. You guys tell me what looks better.

The Maurice Clarett Memorial Mug-Shot Top 10

Today we celebrate the creme de la shit of the National Football League. Normally, we'd give the commissioner a proper welcoming to the NFL, but with this fucked up cast? HA!

Like I'm going to give that dorky bastard Goodell any fucking room to breathe. Here's the 10 skeletons in the NFL closetthat Paul Tagliabue left just for you, Roger, right next to the closet ol' Esera Tuaolo came out of.

Thus begins the Maurice Clarett Memorial Mug-Shot Top 10. Just think, if you people make this big, it might be an annual, or if the Bengals have their way, monthly event.

So, in mugshot and joke form, here it comes.

Edit - For all the folks who want to yell about McNair, stop. We're getting a proper memorial for him soon. You're making yourselves look bad...

MTV.. no wait, it's NBC Football.

With NBC hyping up the start of their kick-down show, I figure I'll tune into the football game a little early, knowing that kickoff isn't until 8:30pm. But when I tuned into the pre-game show, I expected Madden and the boys to be discussing pre-game analysis, picks of whom they think will win the game, and perhaps some news from about the league.

But instead I'm greeted with a bucket full of music. If MTV still played music, I would have believed I tuned my television mistakenly to MTV or VH1. But no, instead of the NFL providing pre-game analysis, they believe that they're going to some how receive higher ratings by treating fans to musical acts. (What the fuck is this, the Super Bowl Halftime show? No. Great. Get them off the fucking field before they tear it up).

Televised sporting events need to learn, NASCAR and football included, that fans tune in for the race or for football, not to watch a concert before the game. When we bother to tune in a little early, it's because we're expecting a mini-sports news show full of information about the game we're about to watch. Who is starting, who at the last minute isn't starting. Who do the experts believe will win.

We don't want to see P. Diddly (or whatever he's calling himself these days), Danity Kane, Cassie or Rascal Flatts. We want to hear about football and see football. Send these musical acts back to MTV and CMT and get them off the damn field.

How to Kill a Company, the Yakuza Way

Let's say that you've developed of the most sucessful MMA promotions by copying off the father of MMA promotions, the UFC. You manage to lure away some of the UFC talent. You even get a few floaters there. Let's say your Don Frye, Ken Shamrock, maybe a Dan Severn. Then you put it in front of a frenzied Japanese crowd that's nuts over hentai, bukkake and hardcore guro violence.

Dream Stage Entertainment, Inc. did just that. They knew their culture had enough sick fucks to justify making a company that glorified violence, unlike their gaijin counterparts in America, who were starting to clamp down on the MMA world thanks to a few irresponsible government hacks. Yes, I'm looking at you, Sen. McCain and Sen. Kennedy. Also with pressure from the overtly-crooked boxing factions, and MMA in America was taking a dive for the worse.

So, in 1997, PRIDE Fighting Championships were off and running, with their first show ever in the glorious Tokyo Dome. While it produced some of the best fighting and fighters ever, it produced a lot of something else. The stench of the Yakuza...

Anibal Sanchez is actually male, with a no-hitter AND a penis.

So for the first time since Randy Johnson did it in 2004 (6,364 games ago), baseball has another no-hitter, thrown by a 22-year-old rookie Venezuelan named Anibal Sanchez, who is actually not dirty and definitely not a girl (despite his misleading name). Check out the line, gang, and tell me you're not impressed by this 2-0 victory for Florida.

A Sanchez (W, 7-2) 9.0 0 0 0 4 6 0 103-67 2.89

I mean granted, this was against the Arizona Diamondbacks, but they still technically count as a major league team. Even more impressive, the team that won the game has spent roughly $15 million dollars in payroll this year (about what Alex Rodriguez spends on a good poker night) on a team of rookies, retreads, and Miguel Cabrera. This win puts Florida one game over .500, within a game and a half of the wild card. They've gone from 20 games under .500 to one game over .500, which has never happened before.

While I'm not a baseball fan most of the time, I do love a team like Florida that succeeds in spite of all odds and you gotta love a guy like Joe Girardi who goes out there and wins in spite of all expectations. I mean, come on, this is Florida. There are AAA teams with larger payrolls. You keep on 'em, Skipper, and I'll keep pulling for you.

Storm warning for Larry Coker

You know, there’s one thing that’s stuck with me after watching the Miami and Florida State game Monday, and that’s the belief that this Miami squad, and indeed all Larry Coker’s squads since the national championship season in 2001, are no longer elite teams. You know a 53-9 record over six seasons surely is a sign of a program in decline, but what is the reason behind the sudden lack of quality in the Miami Hurricanes football program?

Before you rush out and start, allow me to pin the blame where Miami’s sudden suck comes from, and it’s not the coach. That’s right, it’s the players. More specifically, it’s the quality of players the program is currently getting. They’re lacking something, this new breed of Hurricane, and that something is a serious criminal record.

Buffalo -- the other white meat.

While most college football fans are getting ready for the Texas v. Ohio State as the most exciting football game of the week, I on the other hand will be looking forward to the Rocky Mountain Showdown at Mile High Stadium at Invesco Field this weekend in Denver, Colorado.

The Rocky Mountain Showdown, for those un-familiar with a great in-state rivalry, pits the Colorado State Rams against the Colorado Buffalos. And as almost any Coloradoan knows -- this rivalry goes deep as you only root for one school. You pick one team or the other. You can't kill your prostitue and pimp her out too. While Colorado State fans had to suffer the past few years with the game being held on another planet, known as Boulder, they can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the game is back on neutral territory. ((How many blondes does it take to screw the Colorado Buffaloes? Just one -- Rick Neuheisel.))

Why will this be the most exciting game of the week? Because nothing beats a good old-fashioned in-state rivalry, because a win gives you bragging rights over your friends, enemies and sometimes even your family. These rivalries encompass all sports and any forms of competitions between these two schools. At the games, they leave you cheering to the last minute, you don't abandon your team when they're losing -- you fight for them until the end. And the most beautiful thing about instate rivalries is that why one team may dominate the series – there is always the chance for the underdog to emerge triumphant. Plus for many of the players on both Colorado State Rams and the CU Buffalos -- Saturday's game will be one of the only times these players get to play in an NFL stadium and in front of a sold-out crowd.

Read more to see my top ten in-state rivals and top ten rivals over all.

The Match We All Want

So, I'm watching the televison and I see Mike Tyson's going on a touring exhibition all around the world. He's retired from boxing, but still in debt. While I think Mike's nuttier than Jim Ross's pet coon, I can't help but feel sorry for Mike. So, the solution.

Mike Tyson: The Department of Homeland Security Enforcer.

For every terrorist that comes to our dear US of fucking A, Mike gets to feed his murderous urges and himself, if he wants.

We solve a problem. Mike pays off his debts. We're happier and safer knowing that a sociopath is killing other sociopaths. In fact, we've got a PPV already set up.

Sponsored by Budweiser, Everlast, and George Foreman's Lean Mean Fat Draining Grilling Machine...

The Tennessee Repackaged Crap with a Criminal Soon To Be In Charge

Alright, in the land of the Titans (re: Repackaged Crap Formerly Known as the Oilers.), they started out the preseason with Billy Volek as the starter of the team. He would be the savior of the team. Hell, he's all they fucking have. Vince Young is greener than half of the courses that Tiger Woods plays on. They also lost Steve McNair to Baltimore (aka Titans v. 2, they've got most of the old team, sans Eddie and his whining.).

We go into the season, however, with a quarterback controversy which gives me insight of who really runs the Tennessee Titans.

Titans Front Office

We're in for a long season...

Tiger and the Trophy

You know, Tiger Woods has won so many tournaments that I think that maybe people are getting a little tired of him hogging all the glory. To make matters worse, who do you think pays for all those silver and gold trophies? That's right, the sponsors. That's why I was not a bit surprised to see the Deutsche Bank Championship implement a few cost cutting measures. However, I was surprised at what they did to save a little money.

Click the link for more details.

Wide right... or maybe not!

Since everyone’s doing their introductions, and I didn’t do mine in the opening post of this bitch, my name is Ron. I’m from Louisville, Kentucky, and I devour sports like Paris Hilton devours cock or Kate Moss devours cocaine. I’m the guy in charge here, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit on my ass and let my talented crew of misfits do all the blogging. I lead by example.

I love UK basketball, college football in all shapes and forms, pro football in most of its shapes and forms, hockey, and even fucking soccer. However, my first love, my true love, my only relationship that matters is my relationship with boxing, but instead of rehasing Samuel Peter vs. James Toney, let’s talk football.

And five for Tiger

Vijay Singh's course record-setting day on Sunday still wasn't enough to stop Tiger Woods from taking his fifth straight win.

While its a bit surprising Tiger has been playing so many tournaments lately, what is not surprising is every time he comes from behind for the win. And Tiger doesn't just win because he's really good, but instead he gains win from being one of the most intimidating players on the course.

Can you imagine playing head-to-head with Tiger for the win on the final day? First, Tiger won't be talking to you at all -- he's too focused. You know this guy is probably someday going to break even the great one's records and might very well be the greatest golfer the sport has ever seen. And you know that almost nothing seems to break Tiger's concentration, the sad exception being his father's death. I'd be intimidated too.

While this does not always guarantee Tiger's victory, it certainly helps him in a pinch. And clearly Vijay Singh felt that pressure on Labor Day too. Tiger crushed Vijay's spirit as he shot and putted his way from a three-shot deficit to a spectacular two-stroke victory.

If only Vijay had saved some of his good shots and putts on Sunday for the final day of the Deutsche Bank Championship he would have ended Tiger's longest winning streak in a single season. But Tiger is still seven victories away from breaking any PGA records for longest winning streak. But, only two away from breaking his all-time longest winning streak, six victories.

Me-O, please go-O away-O

Alright, time for me to give my intro. I'm Rich. Sorry, I'm not God, either. I'm actually a devout Catholic. Might be the fact that I'm also a beaner, but that's enough about that. I was born in Texas. San Antonio, to be precise. Now I live in Nashville, TN. Hence why I wasn't fooled by the Tennessee Titans. I know repackaged crap when I see it, and the Titans are truly stinking it up now like the Oilers of old without Warren Moon. My sport loves are all sports, actually. I'm an all purpose sports man. Scratch that, I can't stand the lesbian-fest called the WNBA, but who can. Okay, enough of offending dykes since no one cares about the WNBA. Time for the real story.

"Note: no dykes were intentionally harmed in that intro. In fact, one dyke punched Rich while writing said intro..."

Being that you know of my Texan roots, I am a devout Cowboys fan through and through. Even when Jerry Jones let go of Jimmy Johnson after bringing them out of Tom Landry's hell. Not Landry's fault, mind you. Just the fact he didn't have much to work with did it for him.

Fixing the Chase

I suppose, I'll follow suit and provide a little introduction before I dive into my subject matter of choice. You can call me Jaime Sue. I don't claim to be God or even Queen of the Universe. But I am a highly opinionated daddy's girl. As a result, I love sports. NASCAR, Hockey, Football and Bull Riding are my favorites. But I do love them all, with the exception being Professional Basketball. You will never hear me discuss that topic, unless it's on a rant on how much I hate it. I bring the little bit of bitch into the group of bastards here. But enough about me and instead, let’s focus on NASCAR.

As there is one race left until the field is set for the NASCAR Nextel Cup Chase for the championship, I'm visiting the topic of how to fix the chase.

End of an Era or a Road to Old Beginnings?

Seeing as this is my first post, allow me to introduce myself. I'm God. Ok, I'm not. Please Lord, don't smite me. I know not what I spe...err...type. But yeah, I'm Luis, and I'm awesome. Got a problem with that? Tough luck. Am I better than you? Probably. But that's not why I'm writing this. This particular post is about one thing: tennis. Or more specifically, Andre Agassi. I don't know much about tennis, and I usually don't watch it unless it's female tennis, but I know Agassi. Why? Well, that's because he was my former substitute gym teacher.


Welcome to SportsBastards!

This is the first post on what I hope becomes the 800-pound gorilla of Internet sports comedy opinion websites and blogs. Does that mean I'm turning my sites on Page 2? Yes, yes it does.

We're also taking on sites like Deadspin, Sports Pickle, and a multitude of others, because I think me and my crew are just as funny, just as insightful, and just as flat-out literate as anyone who has ever kept a sports-based website driven by the strength of observation and wit.

Hell, I think we're better than some of those guys, and we're going to prove it. Welcome to SportsBastards, and consider the gauntlet officially thrown down.