So T.O. apparently took a few too many happy pills with his nightly pile of supplements and had a bad reaction. Well, so he says, but the day I believe him is the day I bareback a girl after she's absorbed a Tommy Lee hepatitis load.

According to the leaked police report, which is everywhere, his publicist found him unresponsive at about 8:00. She freaked out and called the cops to keep her meal ticket alive. When they got there, they found a bottle of generic Vicodin (really, generic? TO, you're a millionaire, get the real shit!) empty. When they asked his stoned ass, T.O. said he ate all the pills because he was trying to hurt himself.

Then again, he was probably so high he couldn't find his dick with both hands and the help of a gaggle of coked-up strippers. T.O. doesn't have a history of drug use, but this is the NFL. If he wants drugs, he knows exactly where to get his drugs.

Thanks to my intrepid reporting, I know T.O.'s supplier. Surprisingly, it's not Odell Thurman or any of the other Bengals. He was probably afraid to go to Ohio for fear of being robbed by Maurice Clarett and A.J. Nicholson, or shot by Chris Henry. However, it was a member of the SportsBastards Maurice Clarett Memorial Mug Shot Top 10.

Click below for the terrible secret the T.O. timeline won't tell you.

09/27/06 | Posted by Ron | Category Site News 8 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |

This is the first post on what I hope becomes the 800-pound gorilla of Internet sports comedy opinion websites and blogs. Does that mean I'm turning my sites on ESPN.com Page 2? Yes, yes it does.

We're also taking on sites like Deadspin, Sports Pickle, and a multitude of others, because I think me and my crew are just as funny, just as insightful, and just as flat-out literate as anyone who has ever kept a sports-based website driven by the strength of observation and wit.

Hell, I think we're better than some of those guys, and we're going to prove it. Welcome to SportsBastards, and consider the gauntlet officially thrown down.

09/04/06 | Posted by Ron | Category Site News 249 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |