You know, there’s one thing that’s stuck with me after watching the Miami and Florida State game Monday, and that’s the belief that this Miami squad, and indeed all Larry Coker’s squads since the national championship season in 2001, are no longer elite teams. You know a 53-9 record over six seasons surely is a sign of a program in decline, but what is the reason behind the sudden lack of quality in the Miami Hurricanes football program?

Before you rush out and start FireLarryCoker.com, allow me to pin the blame where Miami’s sudden suck comes from, and it’s not the coach. That’s right, it’s the players. More specifically, it’s the quality of players the program is currently getting. They’re lacking something, this new breed of Hurricane, and that something is a serious criminal record.
Look at the old breed of Hurricane stars, guys like Ray “Manslaughter” Lewis, Jeremy “I only drink on game days and non-game days” Shockey, Warren “Skippy the Cheap-Shot Artist” Sapp, Sean “DUI, Aggravated Assault with a Firearm, Take your Pick” Taylor, and all the rest of Jimmy Johnson and Butch Davis’ rapin’, shootin’, and dopin’ crew. Those guys were all great foot ball players, but more importantly, they were scumbags and horrible people who made their university look like the correctional facility that it well should’ve been.

What do the ‘Canes have now? A bunch of dirty-mouthed rappers lying about their penis size in the 7th Floor Crew, and Willie “Forrest Gump” Cooper. I mean yeah, thanks to Cooper being shot in the ass we get great stories like this "I don't want our players to have firearms," Coker said. "I'd rather they dial 911 to handle those kinds of problems,” after a player was shot in the ass and another player shot at a fleeing vehicle, but this pales in comparison to old-school Hurricane antics and booster follies that had Sports Illustrated calling for Miami to shutter the doors to its football complex/crack den.

I mean really, Drew Rosenhaus and the Miami Mafia are pretty fucking slimy, but do they really compare to Luther Campbell and his pay-for-play $100 bounties? $212,000 in falsified Pell Grants? $412,000 in excessive financial aid falsely awarded to the football team? Lack of institutional control? Failure to follow the institution's own drug-testing policy?


Those are serious infractions. Death penalty infractions. That’s what made Miami’s football team the Convicts in the Convicts vs. Catholics rivalry (which was cancelled when Miami fans started throwing piss on Notre Dame’s players). That’s what these current ‘canes lack! The passion to commit a reckless and pointless crime, usually for no good reason!

Larry Coker, if you want to keep your job, it’s time to start scouring the prisons for new talent. I know your last name is ‘Coker,’ but I can’t remember one of your players being busted for having a kilo of Bolivian booger sugar in their dorm or up their ass in a baggie. Quit trying to run a clean program; they’re about as used to clean football as they are to losing at NFL U, so it’s either you lose your job or you lose your integrity.

Michael Irvin was an All-World wide receiver because he was fast and had good hands. That’s because he’s a cokehead! You never run faster from the cops than when you’ve got a gram of toot in your pocket, and your hands are never steadier than when you’re chopping out lines of blow on a hooker’s tit.

Just look for the muscled-up steroid freaks with the white powdery mustaches. Those are the guys you want stuffed into the horrible safety orange and green sausage casings that pass for jerseys in South Florida. Otherwise, start packing your suitcases, buddy. If you have another 9-3 season, you’re out on your ass.