Hits and Shits--Week 1 Edition
The Hot Shit: Pittsburgh Steelers—I really can’t even consider other teams this week. I mean, really, only one teamhad to overcome the handicap that is starting quarterback Charlie Batch. They've proven something to me, and that's the fact that you don't need a good quarterback to be successful in the NFL, just a warm body.
Cold, Frothy Diarrhea: Green Bay—Can’t play defense, can’t block, and your only good player spends more time on his back than Jenna Jameson. Their offensive line is a joke, their defense sucks, and their special teams is special only in that it is retarded and requires special education to teach it not to shit on itself. When you sign an alcoholic fuckup and he’s an improvement over what you have, you’re in trouble.
The Top 5 NFL Badasses of Week 1
1. Alex Smith—The kid is back and actually good this time! Last year Alex passed for 875 yards in 7 starts, with one touchdown and 11 interceptions. This year, in one game, he’s thrown for 288 yards and a touchdown. He’s already up to ¼ of the completions he had all of last year. It's like he doesn't remember his sucktitude last year. Probably because he got hit in the head so many times behind that woeful Niners line.
2. Brett Favre—The old gunslinger earns a permanent spot in my top five, just because if everyone else is sucking up to him, I may as well too. So congratulations, Brett, on only throwing two interceptions! Actually, I feel bad for the guy. You could put Jesus Christ behind that offensive line and He wouldn’t be able to miracle the Packers into a 12-4 season, despite being the best quarterback Bethlehem Tech has ever seen. Brett hasn’t felt this violated since that hot-tub party at Mark Chmura’s house.
3. Frank Gore—The Niners running back did his best Tiki Barber impersonation on Sunday, running for 84 yards and 2 touchdowns on 16 carries and catching 6 balls for 83 yards. Unfortunately, he lacks Tiki’s fashion sense, media friendliness, and twin brother.
4. Tiki Barber—The Giants running back did his best Frank gore impersonation on Sunday, running for 110 yards on 18 carries and catching 5 balls for 61 yards. Unfortunately, his first name is still ‘Tiki,’ so I can’t take him seriously. You just can’t compete with a manly name like Frank Gore.
5. Charlie Batch—I know what you’re saying. “What the fuck?! Charlie Batch?! Are you drunk, Ron?!” And the answer to that would be yes, but only slightly.
The 5 Smelliest Turds in the Punch Bowl for Week 1
1. The officiating at the end of the Manning Bowl—I intend to write more about the Manning Bowl, but that pass interference call was complete and utter bullshit, and it cost the Giants the game. Well, that call, the 10-second penalty, poor clock management, dumb play calling, and Eli Manning having the last name Manning.
2. The Texans’ offensive line—For a bunch of fat guys, they sure looked pretty fast as they ran completely away from their blocking assignments. I’ve never seen a group rush so quickly to put David Carr in harm’s way before, and I’ve seen the groupie scrum that greets every NFL team on the road. At least his O-line didn’t give him syphilis, right?
3. The Carolina Panthers offensive line—They tried their damnedest to look as ineffectual as the Texans, and maybe they succeeded. They not only hung Jake Delhomme out to dry, they managed only 65 yards rushing. Even Houston had more yardage on the ground than that. Someone get these fatties back on the Todd Sauerbrun diet.
4. Chris Simms—I’d make fun of him, but he’s been beaten up enough this week thanks to Bart Scott, Ray Lewis, and the suddenly fierce Baltimore Ravens D. Plus he gets to listen to his dad criticize him on national TV. Who doesn’t love a little family guilt? When your daddy has a Super Bowl ring and you throw three interceptions, well… family dinner just doesn’t taste as good.
5. Jake Plummer—Hahahaha, see Jaime’s post below for more information. She said all that needs to be said about Jake the Fake.
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