An Open Letter to Bay Area Football Fans…
Dear 49er and Raider Fans,
Your teams still suck.
I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but it’s true--they still suck. They sucked two years ago, they sucked last year, and guess what, they’re going to suck this year too. So don’t let me hear any of your 49er fans calling up sport radio claiming that the “dynasty” is back, or that you’re even remotely close to being playoff bound. You’re not. The 49ers are not going to the Superbowl or the playoffs. Your number one overall draft pick, after an abysmal last season, has seen it fit to lead you to an incredible 1-2 start. You should be 0-3. Your win against the Rams was a fluke. Your top offensive weapons Frank Gore and Vernon Davis getting injured the very next week reinforces this fact. To be fair, Gore is still “questionable,” but let’s face facts here--he plays for the 49ers, which means he’s a total pussy. Your offense is now paper-thin. You will not beat the Chiefs on Sunday, so don’t be foolish and do anything stupid--like bet on them. You’d be better off breaking your own thumbs and kneecaps.
And to you Raider fans, don’t let this bye week lull you into having false hope. Lamont Jordan can run his mouth about how the offense needs to step up their game, which is true, but don’t forget--they’re the fucking Raiders. They’re a team full of over priced misfits who couldn’t rise up to the occasion even if they wanted to. The only reason the defense does all right is because Rex Ryan promises Sapp a snort of cocaine after every play, and an NFL Network cameo every week. Maybe of Randy Moss could get those sorts of incentives, he’d be more inclined to make a few plays--but then he’s too busy doing his best Buckwheat impression these days. You went 4-0 in the preseason before getting your heart ripped out of your chest by Seattle. Before then, you had Superbowl aspirations. And now that you’ve had a week to do all the drugs it would take to make you forget that you are the laughing stock of the NFL right now--and that most High School JV squads could kick your ass--you’ve got this notion that you have a chance against the Browns on Sunday. Stop it. You don’t. You will lose to the Browns, not because you don’t deserve it--because you don’t--but because they’re better than you are. Yes. The shitty Cleveland Browns are better than you.
So stop calling sports radio claiming that the season is still too early to predict. It isn’t. Your teams have no chance. The sooner you accept this, the sooner we can all build a bridge and get over it--and get to worshipping the Green Bay Packers, who are going to turn it around, and are going to the Superbowl, and yes, are going to WIN the Superbowl. And you know why? Because they’re the fucking Packers, bitch! That’s why!
Sincerely,
A Devoted Cheesehead
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