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Under the Tarp: Accumulated Wrestling Crud vol. 1

Y’know, posting one post per wrestling news story would probably be nice--and what Ron is wanting from me--but given the copious amounts of time I choose to waste on other projects (or no projects at all), I’m finding that collecting all the hottest stories from the wacky world of wrestling into one nifty, easy to read post works better for my schedule. I’m sure if Mr. Sports Nazi has a problem with it, he’ll let me know, and this will be the only volume of what I’m hoping will be a weekly feature. Either way, enjoy this one while you can, because you never know what the future holds. I mean, you could die tomorrow--or even worse, I could die tomorrow.

Crud of the Week:
Kurt Angle joins TNA -- Umm, how the fuck did this happen? Less than a month ago, WWE was forced to release Kurt from his contract so he could slow down, heal his injuries, kick his painkiller habit, and mend fences with that nut job he calls a wife. Then, out of the blue, Dixie “Designing Women” Carter announces that Angle has joined the TNA roster. Boy how I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in Vince McMahon’s office when that bomb dropped. I’ll bet his face turned red and he started throwing things at Shane. Poor Shane. He probably gets a lot of shit thrown at him on a daily basis as the official whipping boy of WWE.

Shane: Why don’t you love me like you love Stephanie!?

Vince: Because Shane, then it wouldn’t just be incest--it’d also be gay.

Personally, this news makes my nipples hard! The one thing wrestling has needed most since the collapse of WCW and ECW is another marquee wrestling brand to take their place. Since 2001, WWE has been left alone to play with itself, and as anyone that has played with himself or herself knows, after a while, it just starts to hurt. Competition breeds excellence. It’s true in the retail world, in the job market, and it’s damn true in entertainment driven industries. While TNA has already picked up a number of solid performers in Sting, Christian Cage, Rhino, and Billy Gunn (I KEED, I KEED)--along with a stable of fresh homegrown and indy talent to establish--they lack that one guy that will make the few who actually watch wrestling in a regular basis sit up and notice. By signing Kurt Angle, they pretty much guarantee themselves that notice. Now it’s just up to TNA’s creative team to hook these viewers to the product with fresh booking.

TNA also helps their chances in landing other big names by signing Angle as well. The biggest free agent out there right now that isn’t two years away from wearing diapers or climbing into a coffin is Chris Jericho. After failing to break into mainstream media despite blatantly whoring himself out to outlets like VH1 and the TV Guide Channel (I choose to ignore his one and done appearance on “Celebrity Duets” because it was that fucking awful), Jericho has mentioned that he sees himself returning to the ring before too long. This bit of news came from a newsbyte on the website, which hints that he’ll return to WWE; but what if TNA can nab him, and who is to say they couldn’t? If Jericho went back to WWE right now, he’d be a big deal for about a month, and then he’d be right back to glorified midcarder status (ie: small fish in a big pond). But, if Jericho went to TNA, his impact would be ten times bigger, last that much longer, and he’d get to share in the responsibility of creating the first major threat to the McMahon empire in half a decade. The bragging rights alone ought to be enough to tip signing Jericho in TNA’s favor.

Back to Angle: The only drawback to Kurt going with TNA, and in this fashion, is the potential burning of the bridge he’d spent six years building with Vince. But as we’ve seen in the past through Vince’s dealings with Hogan, Piper, Dusty Rhodes, and other old-times, burned bridges in “sports entertainment” are about as commonplace as shower rapes--they happen every day. In wrestling, the almighty dollar reigns supreme. Just look at WWE’s continued desire to resign Brock Lesnar, who has all but gone out of his way to not only burn his bridge, but also piss on its ashes, and all with a smile on his face.

A buddy of mine suggested that Christian could have been a driving force behind Kurt’s “defection” to TNA. While that’s purely fanboy speculation, it does bring up an interesting possibility. With the number of former WWEers rapidly increasing in TNA, what better means to recruit disgruntled WWE performers than with the testimonials of their real life friends that have already jumped? Christian very well could have been “selling” Angle TNA for some time now, just as he could likely be selling it to Jericho. The possibilities are really endless now that the door to the party has been officially kicked in by TNA.

One thing is for sure: I cannot WAIT until Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe! That match has FIVE STARS written all over it.

Other Crud:
WWE Releases Kid Kash -- Good riddance. This guy is a ring wart of the worst degree. Not only is he boring in the ring, but he’s boring out of the ring. To top it off, his hot-shit stunt getting released from TNA to go to WWE shall forever be regarded as one of the dumbest decisions I’ve ever seen a professional wrestler make. Despite the high-volume of suck this guy offers viewers, TNA had given him all sorts of face time. Pushed him as their premiere X-Division heel. He had the opportunity to be apart of something special as TNA grew, but instead, he pisses it all away to go do the job in WWE. TNA would do themselves a disservice bringing this douche back into the fold. I say let his cocky little ass go wrestle midgets in Mexico or Japan. We no need him here. Thanks.

Eric Biscoff on RAW -- Biscoff’s got a book to promote. His return is a one-shot only deal. Too bad. I miss Eric as the RAW GM. He was/is a hell of a lot more entertaining than Vince. He’s the sort of guy people love to hate, without ever really getting on your nerves. It was a shame to see him go the way he did, and it’s a shame to see he’s not yet back for good. Maybe when Vince gets tired of being on TV again, we’ll get Bischoff back full-time. If that is at all possible, I hope that day comes sooner than later. By the way--I probably won’t be buying the book, but thanks for the appearance anyway!

Rikishi Gets Arrested -- Apparently the harbinger of the Stink Face failed to show for a hearing due to being held in contempt. I don’t understand what all this means, but apparently it was no big deal. Rikishi went in without much of a fuss. Why can’t wrestlers just stay out of trouble? It’s not that hard is it?

WWE Signs Too Cold Scorpio -- I’m not sure why WWE has a hard-on for all these old farts, but if Too Cold can do half as well as Finley has on “Smackdown” or Vis has on “RAW,” he’ll be a welcome addition to either roster. As long as they don’t make him over as Flash Funk again, I’ll be happy.

The Big Finish:
To cap off this little article/rant/log of incoherent babble I’ve decided to leave you with a video clip that I’ve been enjoying for several months now. It’s a short clip of “Precious” Paul Ellering--yes, THAT Paul Ellering--long before he ever managed the Road Warriors. It's short, and relatively insignificant, but shit is it funny!

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Dear Titty-fucking God.

If I had been writing this column(especially if Ron hadn't been such a cheap bastard), I would do fucking 2-3 reports per week, if not more. Plus, recaps plus thoughts on all wrestling promotions on Television. The crappy WWE, the chaotic TNA, ROH, whatever. Hell, even some local promotions, just to give them free pop.

You lazy mother fucker.

Posted by at 10/02/06 13:06:21

Dear Prepubescent Moron [that would be Joe, again]..

Your quips are not funny. Your writing sucks and my 3 legged, one eyed dog could produce something much better with a can of snausages and a bowl of grease in less than 5 mins.

Please spare us your boo-hoo'ing and get a ...oh wait..what's it called?..AH YES..a real job. Want to get paid? Make your own damn site and stop being a damned drama queen.

Got PMS?

Get a life.

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