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This is the archive for September 2006

An Open Letter to Bay Area Football Fans…

Living in Northern California, and listening to a lot of sports radio, I'm forced to listen to a bunch of idiots who allow their blind devotion to their favorite team to shadow them from the truth. Therefore, I'd like to take this time to write an open letter to all Bay Area football fans, in the hopes that I may inject a little much needed truth into their lives.

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Conspiracy theories, go!

So Terrell Owens is now just the victim of an accidental overdose. Or so Team Owens would have us believe. Just when you think T.O. may have built up a little positive cred by admitting he fucked up and ate a little too much goofanthol, his publicist starts the spin cycle, and hard.

At a news conference Wednesday, Owens denied the strongest parts of the police report, which was obtained by media outlets before most details were blacked out in the formal release. [T.O’s publicist Kim] Etheredge lashed out at authorities, saying, "I am just upset that I just feel they take advantage of Terrell. Had this been someone else, this may not have happened."

Look, you had most of us at least feeling sympathetic towards your client/meal ticket Terrell. I’ve had to take Vicodin before. Rich has posted here while on Vicodin before. It’s hard to think, let alone write and answer questions. Those pills are abused for a reason. Even at the dosage for my weight, I was pretty loopy in the week after my wisdom teeth were removed and I’m sure Rich would agree if he wasn’t so high.

Those pills are some serious shit, and it’s not surprising to me at all that after you had one or two in you that you might get confused and take some more a little too soon, especially if you just, say, had surgery on your hand and then decided to go catch some Tony Romo hot routes a week later.

Then Kim Etheredge, supposed publicist, screws the pooch like the star of an Amsterdam sex show.
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The Saints Went Marching In...

I'm going to get off my SB soapbox, and I'm going to be an emotional fanboy. All my life, I only had about two teams in my life which I loved. The Cowboys and the Saints. Seems that's not going to change anytime soon as I got the pizza and beer out with my brother, and we saw history.

Even though I had the worst headache of my life last night, I stayed up as much as I could to watch what is probably going to be the game we all remember when we're old and gray. As much as Ron's favorite, The Dirty Birds with the SexyBack Option, wanted to deny it. They were being fed to the wolves.

You could just sense the excitement of the crowd. And then, you saw the blocked punt. Let's face it, momentum went to the Voodoo Army. While this game doesn't lessen anything about the situation in New Orleans or the Gulf Coast, it did give the people a sense of hope.

They saw the special teams dominate. They saw Fujita bow to them on the sack they made. They saw Mr. Saint himself, Joe Horn, catching the ball. And they saw the Phenom, Reggie Bush, cause the Falcons so many headaches. All of this while Deuce chalked up the yards. All of this led to the one thing that's final in the books: Saints 23, Falcons 3.

And they're left with this last image, on they almost thought they wouldn't see again...

The Saints marching on as winners, with Tom Benson leading the way, back into the locker room and into the stands. Go Saints...

Now we have the most historic game of the 21st Century in the books, so what's next?

Hits and Shits--Week 2

Week 2 had some great action and some terrible developments, which can be illuminated using two games that set records for offensive futility. One game was a gripping defensive struggle, and the other was a crap festival. All that is great and terrible about the NFL can be summed up by examining two games: the great Jacksonville/Pittsburgh heavyweight brawl and the John Ruiz level turd Denver/Kansas City.

Jacksonville/Pittsburgh had a lot of hype, considering it was the return of Big Ben Worthlessburger to the Pittsburgh backfield after an appendectomy. Granted, he wasn’t 100% medically, what with missing a useless internal organ, but this is the same team that made Charlie Batch (which I almost mistyped as “Charlie Biatch”) look like an all pro. Surely given something to work with they’d look even better and demolish the whitest black starting quarterback in the NFL, right? I mean, Leftwich is practically a Bledsoe level statue, isn’t he?


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An official SB get well card for David Pollack and Jevon Kearse.

We're going to give a nice Big Man award to David Pollack from the Cincinattica Bengals. As most people know by know about David, shit really did happen. His wife released the following statement about him. She stated that the C6 (Cerivical Section Number 6) vertebrae was the culprit. Anyone who wants to know the seriousness of this break, the wiki on Cervical vertebrae tells where the Cervical section covers. This is the vertebrae from the skull to the top of your ribs. Hopefully, he'll come back by next season, but it's a wait and see. He risks the nerve damage, paralysis, and loss of limb movement should he reinjure his neck. As of now, he's mobile and active, but understandably sore.

Also, a get well to Jevon Kearse. The Philadelphia Freak is effectively done for the season, also. Kearse tore at least three major ligaments. His knee is effectively finished, as is he for the season. The same knee that helped push him out of Tennessee is now hurting him in Philly.

Surgery is likely, and it's a shame. Kearse started as a breakout big man in Tennessee, until injuries took away his effectiveness. He went to Philly because of the fact that Tennessee wasn't willing to give a sizable contract due to the risks. Now, it seems Philly is seeing just why the Titans let him go. Hopefully surgery will bring him back to form like it did David Pollack's teammate, Carson Palmer. However, Palmer's a young guy and Kearse is not as young, in addition to a history of knee problems.

Freak, you might want to consider retirement, bro. I know you can find a broadcasting job. Just look at John Madden, and you know they'll hire anyone...

The Crystal Ball on Week Three

We here at Sports Bastards aren't much on predicting. In fact, we get borderline mean. Fuck, we're brutal on a lot of things. But I'm going to be the voice of hope, for once. For you sports fans, if you can get ESPN. Turn it on next week. If you can't, sports bar it, or hell, spend time with friends and beer.

Why, you say?

Week Three, Monday Night Football. The 2-0 Atlanta Falcons vs. the 2-0 New Orleans Saints?!!

That's right. Two undefeated teams. The setting: The New Orleans Superdome. The Saints are undefeated and coming back home as such. The Falcons are undefeated, and they're wanting to spoil the homecoming. Name any time in football you have a match like this. Where New Orleans is now getting back to its collective feet after the most devastating hurricane in US history.

When they ask, "Are you ready for some football?!!" I can answer this, I think we all are. This is the biggest game on this half of the season right now. It might not matter later on, but for right now, it means everything to New Orleans. The Saints are marching in, undefeated and coming home. No matter who wins, New Orleans still wins. Why? Because that means the Saints are back home, and everything will come back eventually.

While you're watching this game, toast a beer to hope...

This is our Holy Grail, Folks

I wonder where ol' Chris Everett is, probably taking in the ass. Go, Rome, go!

Hits and Shits--Week 1 Edition

We all love football 'round these parts, and as such, we've decided to bust our our picks for the best and worst of week one. Unlike the other posters, who were insightful and funny, I'm just going to be funny. Be on the look out for plenty of drug and poop references!

The Hot Shit: Pittsburgh Steelers—I really can’t even consider other teams this week. I mean, really, only one teamhad to overcome the handicap that is starting quarterback Charlie Batch. They've proven something to me, and that's the fact that you don't need a good quarterback to be successful in the NFL, just a warm body.

Cold, Frothy Diarrhea: Green Bay—Can’t play defense, can’t block, and your only good player spends more time on his back than Jenna Jameson. Their offensive line is a joke, their defense sucks, and their special teams is special only in that it is retarded and requires special education to teach it not to shit on itself. When you sign an alcoholic fuckup and he’s an improvement over what you have, you’re in trouble.

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Rich's NFL Studs and Shit - Week One

Alright, folks. I'm on a Percocet trip today. So, I have little to no mercy on the NFL right now. However, I'm up to giving the proper awards to the proper people.

This is James Richard Brown's official start of the NFL Season.

The Week One Studs and Shit will now commence.

The rules are simple, I pick the difference makers and the differerence killers, along with the top teams, and blend them into a post like so.

Read on to the rest, shall we?
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In a week full of upsets. . .

Jaime Sue’s Studs & Duds of Week 1

Best Team of the Week : San Diego Chargers -- The last of the Big Ben/Eli Manning class of quarterbacks has had his start. And while Rivers didn't go for big giant plays for the majority of the game, he showed that he has what it takes to take the helm for the San Diego Chargers and that he can make the big plays when asked to do so. The rest of the Chargers offensive line had a great game, LT had one, and the Chargers defense held up their end of the bargain. That makes the Chargers my favorite team of the week.

Worst Team of the Week: Oakland Raiders -- The Oakland Raiders start off the season again proving why they will once again be the number one team. No, not for anything good, but instead for the team with the most penalties against them. Anytime the Raiders attempted to get momentum going, they would screw themselves over with a penalty. They rushed the kicker not once, but twice. Furthermore, the Raiders' ammount of total yards was pathetic and they only managed to up that stat in the last minute of the game, but it was for nothing. The Raiders, who have been shut out at home only one time before, are my biggest loser of the week.

Read more to see Studs and Duds for Sunday
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The Packers, in a desperate attempt to shore up their all-around terrible team, have signed former Seahawk and Viking Koren Robinson.

Word is, in addition to his drunken-driving and punt-return skills, he'll play cornerback, linebacker, wide reciever, return punts, return kicks, punt AND kick, and gain 150lbs to man the offensive line. Also, he plans on taking over the offensive playcalling, head coaching, and GM gig.

Will the real Jake Plummer please stand up?

That's right ladies and gentlemen -- the real Jake Plummer has entered the building. While Jake fooled Denver into keeping him for another year, by a good performance last year, so he could actually earn money on his contract. The real Jake the Snake has returned to QB for Denver.

Today, Jake Plummer threw three interceptions and he was sacked not once, but four times. Now just to provide you with some perspective -- Jake only threw seven interceptions the entire 2005 season. But in 2004 he threw for twenty interceptions. And not since 2000 has Denver turned over the ball as many times as it has today. What does this mean for Jake, for the Broncos and for football fans in general? It means that the old Jake Plummer has returned. If you have Jake Plummer in your fantasy football team, I'd dump him in a heart beat. Pick up someone better, someone that might actually earn you points. And if you bet on a future for Denver to win the super bowl -- well, I hope you can change your bet.

So, I'm now taking all bets. How long until Denver tires of the old Jake and benches him in favor of his replacement -- Cutler?

The Maurice Clarett Memorial Mug-Shot Top 10

Today we celebrate the creme de la shit of the National Football League. Normally, we'd give the commissioner a proper welcoming to the NFL, but with this fucked up cast? HA!

Like I'm going to give that dorky bastard Goodell any fucking room to breathe. Here's the 10 skeletons in the NFL closetthat Paul Tagliabue left just for you, Roger, right next to the closet ol' Esera Tuaolo came out of.

Thus begins the Maurice Clarett Memorial Mug-Shot Top 10. Just think, if you people make this big, it might be an annual, or if the Bengals have their way, monthly event.

So, in mugshot and joke form, here it comes.

Edit - For all the folks who want to yell about McNair, stop. We're getting a proper memorial for him soon. You're making yourselves look bad...

MTV.. no wait, it's NBC Football.

With NBC hyping up the start of their kick-down show, I figure I'll tune into the football game a little early, knowing that kickoff isn't until 8:30pm. But when I tuned into the pre-game show, I expected Madden and the boys to be discussing pre-game analysis, picks of whom they think will win the game, and perhaps some news from about the league.

But instead I'm greeted with a bucket full of music. If MTV still played music, I would have believed I tuned my television mistakenly to MTV or VH1. But no, instead of the NFL providing pre-game analysis, they believe that they're going to some how receive higher ratings by treating fans to musical acts. (What the fuck is this, the Super Bowl Halftime show? No. Great. Get them off the fucking field before they tear it up).

Televised sporting events need to learn, NASCAR and football included, that fans tune in for the race or for football, not to watch a concert before the game. When we bother to tune in a little early, it's because we're expecting a mini-sports news show full of information about the game we're about to watch. Who is starting, who at the last minute isn't starting. Who do the experts believe will win.

We don't want to see P. Diddly (or whatever he's calling himself these days), Danity Kane, Cassie or Rascal Flatts. We want to hear about football and see football. Send these musical acts back to MTV and CMT and get them off the damn field.

The Tennessee Repackaged Crap with a Criminal Soon To Be In Charge

Alright, in the land of the Titans (re: Repackaged Crap Formerly Known as the Oilers.), they started out the preseason with Billy Volek as the starter of the team. He would be the savior of the team. Hell, he's all they fucking have. Vince Young is greener than half of the courses that Tiger Woods plays on. They also lost Steve McNair to Baltimore (aka Titans v. 2, they've got most of the old team, sans Eddie and his whining.).

We go into the season, however, with a quarterback controversy which gives me insight of who really runs the Tennessee Titans.

Titans Front Office

We're in for a long season...
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Me-O, please go-O away-O

Alright, time for me to give my intro. I'm Rich. Sorry, I'm not God, either. I'm actually a devout Catholic. Might be the fact that I'm also a beaner, but that's enough about that. I was born in Texas. San Antonio, to be precise. Now I live in Nashville, TN. Hence why I wasn't fooled by the Tennessee Titans. I know repackaged crap when I see it, and the Titans are truly stinking it up now like the Oilers of old without Warren Moon. My sport loves are all sports, actually. I'm an all purpose sports man. Scratch that, I can't stand the lesbian-fest called the WNBA, but who can. Okay, enough of offending dykes since no one cares about the WNBA. Time for the real story.

"Note: no dykes were intentionally harmed in that intro. In fact, one dyke punched Rich while writing said intro..."

Being that you know of my Texan roots, I am a devout Cowboys fan through and through. Even when Jerry Jones let go of Jimmy Johnson after bringing them out of Tom Landry's hell. Not Landry's fault, mind you. Just the fact he didn't have much to work with did it for him.

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