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This is the archive for September 2006

New Rules for September 20, 2006.

First off, SB welcomes Mr. Baseball Encyclopedia himself, Peter Gammons, back to work at ESPN. The man suffered a brain aneurysm, which is very serious in nature. If you're into inside baseball dealings, he's your man for that, really. But seriously, Pete, thanks for giving even us SBers a little more insight on the shit we don't understand. Keep going and get even better, man.

Alright, fuckies. Enough nice, rule time. So, the new rules:

As mentioned above, you are not an authority on baseball. He is. We're not insiders, we're reporters of what we hear. Well, in SB's case, we make fun of what we hear. Let's not get that confused.

If your team is losing then the score does fucking matter, so quit posing, faggot. Fucking do your job and win. Detroit's already had enough misery, fuckhead. The Tigers sucked, and now they're winning. Step up, you fucking studio gangsta.

An addendum to the standing rule for the national anthem: the rules are meant for the athletes. If you are in the cheap seats, we understand the fear of heights.

Pac-10 officals always have and always will be subpar. Get used to having that loss, you Oklahomos.

Also, never trust a Pac-10 official to get anything right for anything. They can't get games between their own teams right, and they need to be out.

Pete Carroll, nobody gives a shit what Brent Musburger says. You've got more important shit to worry about. Like losing the 2005 trophy, thanks to Reggie and Matt.

Jason Giambi is not the fucking authority on jack fucking shit. You've got a Tic Tac ballsack and a Pixy Stick dick with a Mardi Gras head now. Get off A-Rod's ass and shut the fuck up, 'Roid Boy. He's choked less in the clutch than you have.

Big Ben will be fine. I'd like to see you come back to work after an appendectomy. I'll bet that you can't. I had five teeth taken out, and I found it hard to write here or for other places. Lay off, he'll get back to it.

Derek Jeter may be the captain, but I'm calling him out. Jeet, you're a douchebag. Read above on why.

More NFL name changes. Carolina is now BALCO East. And you pretty much have the Giambi/Bonds effect there now, only they suck a lot more.

Tennessee Titans will not finish above .500 this season. Next season is looking fucking grim due to the lovely Jaime Sue's team getting the only QB that can do shit on the Titans. Go Chargers.

The Tennessee Vols could actually beat the Tennessee Titans, but then again, so could Carson-Newman College. At least Carson-Newman has a kicker when it matters.

Yes, the more weight Phillip Fulmer loses, the more they manage to win, except against Florida. Don't know how, just going with it. Maybe when he loses the equivalent weight of WeeMan from Jackass, they might get a National Title again. Although last I checked, he needed a black quarterback to do it.

Mike Vanderjagtass comes back in time for the Redskins, only to watch as T.O. breaks a finger. Don't worry, he'll be back for Philly. The Cowboys can afford to let him sit against the Titans. The third string needs the practice anyways.

That's all I got.

Sports Bastards New Rules - September 12th Edition

Alright, lets start firing this off.

The New Rules:

If your new player has more drunken driving charges than your entire team, don't get that player and make your team worse.

Cincinnati is no longer Cincinnati. It will forever be called Cincinattica.

God really does hate Cleveland, but a lot less than San Francisco.

It doesn't matter what race, color, creed, or religion you are. Unless you're paralyzed, please stand for the National Anthem, fuckhead.

If you're going to retire, fucking retire. This means you Junior Seau.

New England is a frugal team, but one that gets results. Don't be a cunt like Deion Branch and turn them down. Shut up and play and win your ring, bitch.

If you suck at Qqarterback, watch out. The rookies are a lot better and a lot stronger than you are. I'm looking at you, Kerry and Jake.

Steroids and HGH can and will shrink your balls and inflate your head, pardon me if I like my 8 inch dick with grapefruits and being able to wear hats off the rack over being a sports machine.

NBA players, quit bitching about the suit rule. Pardon Stern for making sure you look like men instead of fucking hood rats.

In the sake of all of us John Q. Fuckies having to sacrifice a bit for gas, all athletes need to quit buying Bentleys and Hummers. Now.

Just because Jay-Z owns your team doesn't mean it's a good thing. Especially when no-talent booty whore Beyonce comes around to watch practice. Trust me, with that coffee table ass, you won't be doing much practicing.

Drew Rosenhaus needs to stay out of the following sports: NBA, MLB, NHL, MLS, and European sports. However, he is allowed in Major League Lacrosse, if he behaves properly.

Jay Mariotti is a douchebag and he always will be a douchebag. Get him off of Around the Horn before I gut Tony Reali.

But when it comes to it, Tony Reali is smarter than you are about sports, and that includes the sportswriters. Woody Page comes in second. Mariotti and Skip Bayless are the bottom of the fucking barrel on that standing.

Betting sites don't know a god damn thing about sports. If they do, they fixed the game. Otherwise, they're guessing like we are. They have thousands of hours of time invested in stealing your money.

Poker is not a sport. Actually, if you're playing drunk like Ron and I do, it is a sport. Because it's a sport to stay upright after a fifth of Jim Beam.

That's all I got, the crew will give more later.