Today we celebrate the creme de la shit of the National Football League. Normally, we'd give the commissioner a proper welcoming to the NFL, but with this fucked up cast? HA!

Like I'm going to give that dorky bastard Goodell any fucking room to breathe. Here's the 10 skeletons in the NFL closetthat Paul Tagliabue left just for you, Roger, right next to the closet ol' Esera Tuaolo came out of.

Thus begins the Maurice Clarett Memorial Mug-Shot Top 10. Just think, if you people make this big, it might be an annual, or if the Bengals have their way, monthly event.

So, in mugshot and joke form, here it comes.

Edit - For all the folks who want to yell about McNair, stop. We're getting a proper memorial for him soon. You're making yourselves look bad...
10. Jamal "The Tennesse Kid" Lewis



What was the fastest run Jamal Lewis had ever?

Answer: Away from the cops.

9. Randy "DeeDeeDee" Moss



What does Lindsay Lohan and Randy Moss have in common?

Answer : They run over people for attention

8. Steve "Absolut" McNair



Where did Steve McNair learn how to drive?

Answer: The Glen Campbell School of Drunken Driving

7. Ricky "Da Reefa Mon" Williams



Why did Ricky Williams go play for the CFL?

Answer: A larger field means more grass

6. Bill "Dr. Phil" Romanowski



What's the hardest thing Romo hits on Sunday?

Answer: His wife.

5. Onterrio "Dirk Diggler" Smith



I would joke, but let's face it. He and Mark Walberg have something in common.

They both wore a fake dick in public.

4. Michael "The Alps" Irvin



Why does Mikey wear a white suit most of the time?

Answer: To cover up the 'snow drifts.'

3. Orenthal James, the bus driver killer



Why was OJ drafted so well in the NFL?

Answer: He had one hell of a cut back.

2. Jeff " I ain't a Hardy" Garcia



What's the safest place to be walking when Jeff Garcia is driving?

Answer: On the road.

1. Rae "Shotgun" Carruth



As the winner of this contest, Rae gets an all expenses paid trip to Nashville. Only this time, he gets the view outside of the trunk.

Let's not forget the spirit of this award, either, folks. The man who made it all possible.

The Gold Standard - Maurice "Rambo" Clarett



What was Maruice's favorite formation at Ohio State?

Answer: The Run and Shoot.

Good night, folks. I'm here all week...

(Thanks to Ron for the Michael Irvin, Jamal Lewis, and Ricky Williams jokes, and Ron, Jaime Sue, and Luis for help assembling the top 10 list)