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This is the archive for January 2007

Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits: Revenge of the Tinkler!

Okay kids, there's a problem with the Official Scoreboard. Terrence Kiel got arrested for pissing in public (yet another athlete with a case of the tinkles, like Martin Truex, Jr. and Dontrelle Willis) outside of the strip club. By my count that makes it 10-6 in favor of the Bengals this season.

HOWEVER, this apparently this is the 8th Chargers arrest since April. Now, I know I just started at the beginning of training camp, but should I go back and count it from January 1, 2006, until after the Super Bowl? That'd make it 11-8 Bengals, not an insurmountable deficit but still a good cushion. What do you guys think I should do?

Check the scoreboard before deciding.

The Barbaro Conspiracy Files: Barburial

So, even before my investigation into the conspiracy behind Barbaro’s death is finished, authorities from Churchill Downs are already scrambling to cover up the plot and get that body in the ground where I can’t get to it: the grounds of the Kentucky Derby Museum. Derby winners/possible other victims Sunny's Halo (1983), Carry Back (1961), Swaps (1955) and Brokers Tip (1933) are already buried somewhere on the grounds. Whoever the fuck they are.

There’s even talk of Barbaro receiving horse racing’s biggest posthumous honor: full body burial, just like that little known and lightly regarded flash in the horse pan Secretariat. Oh wait, the little known and lightly regarded one race wonder in this question is Barbaro, whose only contribution to the racing industry was to break his skinny little leg on national television, suffer for 256 days, and then die after they got tired of milking him for his sticky white profit margin and wanted to cash in on their insurance. Why else would there be such a clamor for a quick burial without a proper autopsy?

Considering the fact that Churchill Downs is currently fighting to diversify its interests beyond horse racing into casino gaming (or at least a slots parlor at the Sports Spectrum off track betting facility), adding another attraction to the Kentucky Derby Museum is a good idea, provided they don’t go to great expense to build a shrine to Barbaro or something equally retarded. Better to stick up a statue or a plaque, pump out some Barbaro-based merchandise, and start greasing palms in the state government to finally give you that gaming license needed to break into the non-animal-based gambling game.

Slot machines are much more reliable draw than a year’s worth of media frenzy and a bunch of 40-something cat ladies. With Barbaro’s corpse, cheap tourist crap, and slots, Churchill Downs is sure to clean up amongst Midwestern housewives. I can smell the money, cigarette smoke, and yeast infection cream already.

Floyd Mayweather Sr. fired as Oscar's trainer.

Floyd Mayweather Sr. has been called many things: Sugar Ray Leonard's personal punching bag, a decent boxer, an excellent trainer, a bad father, greedy fuck... Wait, did I say greedy fuck? Why, yes I did. Of course, when you want 2 million dollars to train your fighter to take out your own son for good, you passed bad father level into complete bastard.

According to Matt Miller over at Bad Left Hook, Oscar got sick of the greed. If you saw this in your USA Today a month back, Floyd wanted a lot of cash to train the Golden Boy to inflict a lot of pain on "his boy." Which yes, that's where that 2 million dollar figure comes in. If Oscar would've been blind enough to pay that, Floyd would've been the highest paid trainer in the history of boxing.

While I don't blame ol' Roger for wanting to put a beating on a punk like Pretty Boy Floyd (and he is a fucking punk), know your role. Oscar knew his, and he ended up calling upon the services of Freddie Roach. We know Freddie probably feels the same about Punk Ass Mayweather, and he'll put his greatest effort into getting Oscar into killing shape. He'll also do this at lower cost, too.

Floyd Sr., sorry about your damn luck. Maybe you get to be at ringside to get morbid pleasure out of seeing your disrespectful seed getting forced into retirement or retardation. But then again, maybe he'll squeak by to end his career as weak as he started it...

Welcome to the era of completely-invented records

From the Department of Pointless Statistics:

Guard Gary Neal has joined Kenny Battle (Northern Illinois and University of Illinois) and Jon Manning (Oklahoma City and North Texas State) as one of only three players in NCAA history to top 1,000 points at two Division 1 schools. Of course, since those two school were La Salle and Towson, nobody really cares.

The Barbaro Conspiracy Files: Barbaromosexual?

Folks the flags are flying at half mast today, because the 2006 Deadspin Sports Human of the Year, Barbaro, has (finally) been euthanized. Yeah, sad, I know, but in a way it’s not sad, and I’m not just saying that because I’m sick and fucking tired of Barbaro jokes.

Really, there’s one reason that horse was kept alive this long, and that’s because he was possibly a valuable producer of semen (which if they were smart they would’ve started milking him the day he came out of surgery and started showing a little interest in the poon-tang). He wasn’t even guaranteed to be a good stud, but they let him suffer for over 250 days while they tried every thing they could think of to keep him on at least two of his four legs with a moderate chance of survival.

So, would Barbaro have been a valuable stud? Probably not. I think he was actually gay. That’s right, he was a fruit. How can I so accurately call Barbie out as an ass-mounter? Simple.

Barbaro had the perfect life waiting for him. Nothing to do but eat, romp, and get paid millions of dollars to fuck the hottest horses around. Basically he was going to be a less-hairy, smaller-cocked version of Ron Jeremy. And what does he do? Gives up.

I’m sorry, but if you promise me millions of dollars, the best food money can buy, and a never-ending supply of fresh pussy, I don’t care if you cut off all my limbs and take a lung, I’m going to survive. If I have to use my jaw to crawl through a field of broken glass and used heroin needles, I’m going to do it. Then again, I’m not a matinee idol to hundreds of lonely cat ladies in Middle America. Maybe Big Boss Horse offed himself for a reason.

Or maybe Barbaro wasn’t gay at all, but he was set up. Maybe… just maybe, Barbaro was murdered. But who could possibly have something against Barbaro? I have some ideas, but it’s going to take some top-notch detective work.

Break in the newbies!

Tiger Woods won yet another PGA tournament, this time over a bunch of people you’ve never heard of and will probably never hear from again, like Thurston Charles Howell III and such notable tour rookies as rookies Andrew Buckle, Brandt Snedeker, and Jeff Quinney. Like any good seasoned prison inmate, Tiger welcomed these fresh fish into his house the only way possible: wait for them to drop the soap and then give it to them hard.

Welcome to the Tiger Woods PGA tour, bitches! Hope you like the smell of failure!

Meanwhile, DJ Gallo sums up my thoughts on Tiger’s phony wins streak perfectly in today’s Daily Quickie AM Jump.

Tiger Woods won in his first PGA appearance of the year yesterday at the Buick Invitational, giving him seven consecutive victories. Of course, that's only consecutive PGA victories. Woods has losses in Japan, China, the Ryder Cup and the World Match Play Championships mixed in there. It's kind of like how my college roommate was undefeated at Madden, but only if you didn't count all the games he shut off when he was losing in the fourth quarter.

Montoya already producing wins

Chip Ganassi is already congratulating himself, surely, for hiring Juan Pablo Montoya as Montoya, along with Scott Pruett and Salvador Duran finished first in the Rolex 24 Hours at Daytona endurance race this past weekend. Montoya was a huge part of that win, he pulled the Chip Ganassi Racing's Lexus Riley Daytona Prototype into the lead for the first time during the first three hours of the race and again with under three hours to go.

The team completed 668 laps and 2,378 miles on the road course around Daytona. Just to give you an idea of how far that is, I live in Colorado and Ron lives in Kentucky. In order to go 2,378 miles, I'd have to drive from my Colorado to Kentucky and back again, and there'd still be 48 more miles to drive after that.

With this win Montoya joins the great Mario Andretti as the only drivers who have won the endurance race at Daytona, the Indianapolis 500, an American open-wheel championship, a Formula One race. Montoya hopes to add to this with a win at the Daytona 500, something Andretti accomplished in 1967.

While no one expects Montoya to win that race this year, it marks hopefully a strong start to his latest addition to his racing career as a stock car driver in the NASCAR Nextel Cup circuit. And I'm sure Montoya will be glad to be driving a vehicle where you can actually see the flames when the car catches on fire, and hopefully he'll find it more fulfilling than his last few years on the Formula One circuit.

For the record, Jeff Gordon's team finished third after suffering a prolonged pit stop during the final half-hour of the race, due to brake problems that caused an off-road excursion.

Not this year, Flying Tomato

And today marked the end of the 2007 Winter X-Games, not that the majority of the writing crew here even realized that the Winter X-Games were taking place. They didn't see Shaun White fail to reach the Gold Medal for the first time at the Winter X-Games in years. They didn't notice the awesome new tricks taking place at the winter X-Games, the events that grow or develop.

But that's okay, the majority of the country doesn't care or pay attention, despite the claims that the sporting event is slowly becoming on par with the popularity of the Super Bowl. Honestly? That's ESPN hype machine at work. Don't get me wrong, I really love the Winter X-Games, but there is no way that the majority of the country is starting to anticipate the X-Games as much as they anticipate the Super Bowl.

But, there is no reason that they should strive towards that goal. The X-Games were not developed to be mainstream. They're not there to celebrate mainstream society and sports. The X-Games were created to celebrate action sports, the sports on the fringe of society, and if they were to go mainstream they would lose a lot of the things the hardcore fans love about the games. The attitudes and personalities of the athletes and fans are developed by the fact that they aren't your run of the mill event, athlete, or person.

Don't strive for mainstream. Strive towards new tricks, new events, and continued excellence. You don't need the mainstream approval. I know you ESPN; you're seeking ad dollars and I know that you are a self-built promotional machine for any sport you carry, working to gain it new fans. But that doesn't mean you have to hope to turn the X-Games into an over-hyped event that usually ends in disappointment, with people enjoying the commercials more than the game itself.

The X-Games rarely disappoint and are usually full of surprises and excitement for the fans, unlike some February events.

In the spirit of the AL East, we're looking for a Japanese writer to overpay.

In the free-spending AL East, Boston has paid $51 million for Daisuke Matsuzaka and the Yankees have paid $46 million for Kei Igawa. It only makes sense for Toronto to find their own Japanese pitcher. According to the Babes That Love Baseball, Tomo Ohka and the Toronto Blue Jays have agreed to terms on a one-year, $1.5 million contract.

Since they are Toronto, general manager J.P. Ricciardi went the bargain-basement route to get his player, but he just didn't want to be left out of the 'sign a Jap' phase that's sweeping the AL East. Look for the Orioles follow suit by searching for the home phone number of Hideki Irabu, while Tampa Bay already bought themselves a Japanese player, infielder Akinori Iwamura, and are trying to teach him how to pitch in true ass-backwards Tampa Bay Devil Rays style.

Much ado about nothing: Sean Salisbury's penis

"I didn't say Jew, now get off my back you damn jungle-bunnies!" - Sean Salisbury

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Sean Salisbury just can't whip out his cell phone without getting himself embroiled in some sort of controversy. Either he's showing the ladies that Dick in a Box he's going to give them for Valentines Day or he's mush-mouthing his way to an anti-Jew slur and surprisingly vitriolic apology. Fortunately, Deadspin is all over Sean Salisbury's penis. Err, the story about Salisbury's penis.

The Salispenis makes me wonder just what the fuck Harold Reynolds REALLY did to get fired. If you can show your dick to the women at work and not get into trouble for it, then Harold Reynolds must’ve did something spectacularly bad to get himself in trouble at the Worldwide Leader in Lecherous Behavior. So, needing a female perspective on the issue of Li’l Sean’s wang-dang-doodle, I turn to the official SportsBastards adviser on all things gynocratic: Jade.

Jade: Y'know what's really funny? If it were a woman showing pics of herself, they'd be all over the net, but apparently there's not a man (or woman) alive who wants to see Salisbury's penis.

That lead to some other horrible ideas, which in turn lead to more horrible mental images, which in turn leads to this post, so I don’t suffer alone. So click below, if you dare, and subject yourself to the terror that is “10 Things More Horrifying than Sean Salisbury’s Penis Pictures.”

The King Wears Overrated Clothes.

I swear, I'm sick, y'all. I really am. I've been in this state of Ohio for 7 damn years and all I've seen is absolute suck everywhere I've turned. I mean, Ohio State didn't turn the corner from a football standpoint until they retrieved a Sweater Vest from Youngstown State and now every fan Up North is probably wishing that article of clothing would either go back or go pro, since the Wolverines have only won ONCE since Jim Tressel took over. And let's put a huge asterisk next to that 2002 National Title, since the refs [not to mention Da U] handed them that one.

But that's not the point of my topic here. This is about one man who is nothing more than a pretty flashy big fella, who for the first three quarters of the game is a SportsCenter highlight waiting to happen. Fourth quarter rolls around and well...good luck finding him, because he's nowhere in sight. Now, I swear on everything, if you ever stumble upon Steve Kerr's articles on Yahoo about all things pertaining to The Association that you’d think Kerr was LeBron James’ biological father. I mean, despite having a subpar supporting cast that's spearheaded by an underachieving/nonachieving, overpaid #2 in Larry Hughes, and an older than the nails in his surgically-repaired ankle in Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Kerr swears this team's a title contender. But, leave it to good ole Chuckster, my boy Charles Barkley, to remind the world of something I've been telling everyone for YEARS...

THEY ARE NOT CONTENDERS!!! Even in the JV East, these clowns would be LUCKY to get out of the first round this season. Con't let him cross paths with Agent Zero again. It's gonna be Code X for "King" James and his not so merry or great men.

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Last night, in what was probably a thrilling offensive showdown for all the hundreds of people who watched it*, the West beat the East in last night’s NHL All-Star Game. 12-9.

While All-Star Game MVP Daniel Briere had 1 goal and 4 assists in a losing effort, the Western Conference’s gritty elder statesman, Quebec Nordiques (and I guess Colorado Avalanche) star Joe Sakic did his best Steve Nash impersonation, passing out 4 assists and passing Mark Messier on the all-time All Star Game assists list. This multiple-point All-Star appearance was Sakic’s seventh total, which breaks the five-way tie between himself and Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Mark Messier and Luc Robitaille.

In other words, Grandpa Joe Sakic is pretty damn good. I guess chasing kids off your lawn is a great way for our elderly to keep in shape. Unfortunately, no one cares because it’s hockey and it’s on Versus

*Disclaimer: Although I do receive the Versus channel, I did not watch the All-Star Game, because sleeping for 4 hours was more important than a fucking glorified preseason game.

Al Davis is no longer human...

So, Al Davis introduced his new slave forced to obey head coach, former USC Assistant Lane Kiffin. However, Lane should know one thing that the Sports Bastards have discovered after many nights of drinking tequila much research. As this picture will show you...

Oh Dear Christ!

Al Davis is a lich. That's right, according to many in the Raiders organization, Al originally ceased humanity when they won the Super Bowl back in the 1983 season. Art Shell discovered this the first time in 1995, and he was willingly fired. Art then decided to deal with the devil again. The second time, he found the phylactery.

Now Lane Kiffin will have to hope that he doesn't fall into the Art Shell trap. Of course, it was rumored that former Al Davis discovery, Jon Gruden, offered him his number and a good shop in Oakland for detect evil and dispel scrolls.

(Disclaimer: Don't take this too seriously. Picture is from Deadspin. If you really think Al is a lich, keep it between fellow D and D geeks. If you're from the Raiders organization, we did promise not to reveal your name...)

Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits: Piling on!

I sat on the story of Bengals cornerback Johnathan Joseph being arrested for a few days because I wasn’t sure whether it should count for this season (since we haven’t had the Super Bowl yet) or next season (since the Bengals’ season has been over since January 1). I ultimately decided, after consulting with the other Sports Bastards, that this pot arrest counts for this year, and any further arrests up to and until the day after the Super Bowl will count towards this season.

That’s Cincinnati’s 10th total arrest, compared to only 5 arrests for the Chargers, the NFL’s second most arrested team. Looks like when Rush Limbaugh said that today’s NFL games resemble a fight between the Crips and Bloods without the weapons, he was talking specifically to the Bengals and the Chargers, except for the fact that both these teams almost as well-armed as Tank Johnson and as high as Michael Vick every time they take the field.

As always, the up-to-date scoreboard is below the cut, even though at this point the scoreboard is as unnecessary as a Reggie Bush gymnastics exhibition.

NHL All Star Game. Pick it.

Tonight on VS, we're going to witness the 55th All Star Game. The West vs. the East.

The West currently has this year's bragging rights with my hometown team, the Nashville Predators, as the number one team in the NHL. So, when it comes to it, who's winning?

Rich - West
Ron - East
Jaime Sue - East

Comment for your pick, I'll edit them in.

An Open Letter to Richard Justice.

Dear Richard Justice (and Houston fans without brains...),

If you're a Houston Texans fan who hasn't killed themselves when you realized that us folks in Tennessee have the better version of the Houston team, do so now... My uncle in Dallas sent me this nice little tidbit from Richard Justice. Richard, as a U of Texas alum, I like you to a point.

The point ends here. Richard trying to legitimize the sour grapes that the Texans made the right choice with Mario Williams by laughing at the Bush 88 yard game against the Bears defense. I have to say something to that.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Are you fucking kidding me, Dick!? Sit down for a second. Listen to what you're saying.

I'm sorry, Dick. Brian Urlacher affected by the clap he got from Paris Hilton is still 10 times better at defense than Mario Williams. Not to mention he at least bothers to read the playbook, you hack.

After the cut...

The One You've Been Waiting on: An Open Letter to Terrell (PART 2)

I just got a real bad beat in poker and I was twenty spots away from getting money in a freeroll. I’m fucking pissed, and legitimately so. To calm my nerves I turn on the television to Around the Horn on my DVR…And guess the first name that comes out of Reali’s mouth…

Terrell Owens…



It’s the long awaited post that you have been waiting on from me.


Dear Terrell Owens

Hi, remember me? I’m that guy who you never want to meet in a logical argument contest about your life because I would own you so bad that not even the biggest pacifier Jerry Jones has in his office would be able to cure your wounds. So I’m watching the tele today, Bill Parcells has retired from coaching…And what do you say?

It was good

We need a change

I felt that I was underutilized in the offense.

Dumbass, you can’t even spell underutilized, or indicative, and yet you use them in a sentence as if your opinion means a shit.


Yesterday, the subject of Dick Vitale came up between me and Rich. Rich hated Dickie V, but I think occasionally he drops some nuggets of wisdom that are usually swallowed up in his hyperbole. Instead of just talking about how weirdly random Dickie V is, why not try to actually quantify his weirdness with some statistics? I would, but we were beaten to the punch.

The folks over at Card Chronicle actually sat down and, as they watched the University of Louisville Cardinals destroy the UConn Huskies, counted the random Dick Vitale non sequiturs. The grand total (and no doubt a conservative estimate) was 156. One hundred and fifty six Vitale isms not related to the actual game of basketball being played in front of Dick Vitale on the hardwood of Freedom Hall.

You know, that number seems like a lot, but when you actually listen to Dick Vitale, it seems like he mentions a lot more. They must’ve not listed the same things twice.

A top reason why Tennessee loves Bruce Pearl...

As covered by Ron's favorite, Pat Forde, Bruce Pearl went fucking nuts last night. In fact, he went more nuts than he usually does...

Normal Bruce...

Yes, the orange blazer...


As Forde says, never graduate, man. Of course, Skip Bayless the Cunt hates this, saying that Bruce is a glory hog. Typical Vandy cuntragging from Skip. Even Pat Summitt had fun with it.

No, Skip, it wasn't with clenched teeth. I've seen Pat pissed; that wasn't pissed.

Keep on, Bruce. This Tennessee student loves it, and hell, I might suck at B-ball, but I'd go play for him.

(Credits: Bruce in orange paint, that's an AP Photo by Wade Payne)

Martin Truex, Jr. couldn't hold it...

It seems that some NASCAR guys haven't learned from Jimmie Johnson's accident at all. In fact, most people know that drunken antics get you arrested or hurt. Too bad for Martin Truex, Jr., he was too drunk to care. After an officer caught him pissing, dick in hand, he was arrested. Of course, the officer had to wait until he was done, and he had to very carefully arrest him. Hey, he was drunk and couldn't wash his hands...

(Edit from Ron: Dontrelle Willis, anyone?)

As the story from the Daytona Beach News-Journal stated, the officer went up and asked whether the piss was worth the 100 dollar fine. Of course, you don't ask a drunk that. A clue, officer. If you're that fucked, it probably is worth it.

Of course, the cop made the observation that Truex was bombed. So after having to watch his hands while arresting him, Truex was in cuffs and off to jail for charges of disorderly intoxication. To Martin I say, hey, at least you didn't fall out of a golf cart...

Scott "Bam Bam" Bigelow (1961-2007)

As you've already heard, Scott "Bam Bam" Bigelow died this past Friday. Anyone who doesn't know Bam Bam, I can sum the man up in a few words:

- Big

- Fearless

- A true man

I don't think we could do true justice to what Bam Bam did in the wrestling world. He headlined a Wrestlemania with the original LT. As the boys said, he made LT look like a legit wrestler. Anyone who can make a pro football player look like such is in a class of their own.

Let's also mention that Bam Bam missed very few shows. He no-showed one show with a good reason. He saved children from a burning building, and received burns from the attempt. In other words, Bam Bam was a hell of a human being. Not many of those anymore.

Although he struggled with alcohol, drugs, and injuries, the Bammer was still a kind man who would stay around and sign autographs all day if time would let him.

R.I.P., Bam Bam. Have some fun with Eddie, Owen, and the crew.

International Men And Women of Bastardry

Alright, we've got a confession to make. We need international writers. Why, you ask? It's as simple as such, we've got a small international viewer base. In fact, it's not a bad base at all.

So, Ron and I have the same drunken thought. Since we can't get all of the UEFA Champions League or the Barclays Premiership in America, why not ask for help.? While we're at it, a person who knows Union or League Rugby wouldn't be bad, either. How about a person to cover Australian-Rules Football?

So, we ask you the International Men and Women of Bastardry, can you help?

We need:

- A knowledgeable fan with Euro/International Soccer news and parody.
- A knowledgeable fan with Rugby news and parody.
- A knowledgeable fan with Aussie rules football news and parody.

Be aware that you're going to introduce Americans to sports that they don't understand. You're going to have a tough sell, to be honest.

Here's the other part, there's no pay involved. We're sports fans. We're doing this for the fun of it, really.

Think you're bastard enough for it? Write up a sample of your work. Note: We check for copied work, so don't pull a CSTB stunt. Then contact or with your stuff. Of course, we need a way to contact you, hopefully via AIM or MSN. If you don't have one, don't worry, just tell us you don't have it. It won't kill you.

Disclaimer: Any hate mail will be laughed at, and posted at our own amusement as we make fun of it.

Officially Chasing

NASCAR officially announced today the changes made to the 2007 version of the chase.

• 400-point cutoff eliminated
• Top-12 drivers qualify
• Point totals adjusted to 5,000
• Drivers "seeded" by wins
• 10-point bonus for each win

This means that drivers can now earn a maximum of 195 points per race; in 2006 the maximum earned was 190 points per race. So, what exactly do these changes mean for the Chase? The best way to really examine that is to see how it affected past history.

If these rules had been in place before, Jeff Gordon would have already won 5 championships. Jimmy Johnson would have been celebrating his second championship in three years in 2006, instead of his first. And in 2006, Tony Stewart would have finished second in the standings instead of 11th. Additionally, in this past year, Kasey Kahne would have began the race for the chase ranked first in the standings, instead of 10th.

So, these new rules will definitely affect the future -- is that for the best or the worst? Only time will tell. But most seem to like the idea of drivers being rewarded more for wins than they were in the past. The only part of the changes that appears to have fans divided for and against is the idea of expanding the field to 12. Fans against this idea argue that 12 will make it less elite, less competitive, and not as exciting. While fans on the other side of the coin say that 12 is just right, and drivers often ranked 11th and 12th do deserve to be in the Chase because of wins.

Personally, I think the changes are great. I especially love the change about seeding the drivers into the chase by number of wins and I think that the changes will make the 2007 season either incredibly dull or incredibly exciting to see who will win the championship.

Damn Ma.

I don't blame Brady for losing last night in Indy, even though his 'what the hell was on his mind' game-ending INT shouldn't have been thrown, even in Madden 07 on Rookie, I don't blame him. I blame my mom.


Yeah, I do. See, a few years ago I told my mom in no uncertain terms that there was a greater chance of me being married for the first time than there was of her being married for a second. In Vegas, I'd have put money on this being truth everyday of the week and 40 times on Sunday. Link this to Peyton's performing in clutch situations. No way, no how, he beats Brady in the playoffs. Not EVEN with a 21-3 deficit staring him and the Colts right in the face. But... here's what hit me.

On Friday night, I found out my mom's engaged to be married in August.

Last night, the Colts did the absolute unthinkable and sent the Pats home for the second consecutive year before the Super Bowl without a ring. So I tip my hat to Peyton, because simply put, he showed not only did he have a backbone, he showed the world that maybe he just needed home field against the right team in order to finally get over that hump.


While Michael Vick won't face criminal charges for possibly possessing marijuana, there are some things that need to be said -- even if it wasn't really Mary Jane in that hidden compartment of his water bottle. And no one could do a better job of summing that up than SNL did this weekend on Weekend Update. Enjoy!

He Had To Wait Didn't He?

"By the same token, I’m sure a Giants fan like Len would want The Tuna back in New Jersey as the Giants coach once more, since Tom Coughlin’s a disaster in the making."- Ron, a little under a week ago.

So I'm sitting at home today, flipping back and forth between “Cold Pizza” and playing “Smackdown Vs. Raw 2007’ getting amped about beating on Rey "I Rode Eddie Guerrero's Dead Name To A World Title I Shouldn't Have Had" Mysterio when I heard that the Tuna's walking. No "If I can't shop for the groceries" spiel, just walking away because he couldn't get along with the hired gun ole Jerry Jones brought into town to play the role of Michael Irvin, which Terrell owens failed at that this year with 18 drops to how many TD catches?

I guess failure is the unofficial word of the day. Tuna was brought back to restore the luster of the most famous star in all of sports and did NOT DO IT. The man's got a longer playoff drought win-wise than Marty and that's saying a LOT. But as the quote up there so eloquently stated and perhaps why I'm pissed [even moreso than my dawg Brady imploding in Indy last night, at least I can thank him for doing ONE thing right] is that
he waited until AFTER the Giants gave He Who Can't Coach Intelligently a
year extension he did absolutely NOTHING to deserve.

I know what most of you are probably thinking. Why would I choose Parcells over Coughlin, when the Cowboys basically did the exact same thing the Giants did this year, only later in the year? Simple. Because the formula, as it stands right now, is in place for the Giants to recapture the NFC. Parcells would know how to work with Eli and keep Plax, Shockey and the rest of the motor mouth basticos in neutral, while maximizing the most out of what's already there. Hell, I'd even go as far to say that if Parcells coached San Diego this year, they'd be in the Super Bowl right now.

With Merriman playing the role of L.T., Rivers as a much younger Phil Simms, LaDainian Tomlinson as what Joe Morris never was, and Gates as a vastly more talented Mark Bavaro, the Bolts would be primed for a Super Bowl win in about 13 days time. But enough about the what-ifs, let's talk about the 'what now' for the 'Boys and what happened this year that led to Parcells pulling an "Abandon ship! We're taking on water!"

The hills are alive... with the sound of retirement.

So long, farewell, auf widersehen, goodbye to coach Bill Parcells, who has finally decided he’s had enough of the T.O. media circus and is getting out while he can with his sanity intact. Smartest move he’s made all year, and that includes finally benching Drew Bledsoe for Tony Romo.

While I feel bad that Parcells is going out like he is after Tony Romo’s strangulation job, the time’s right. Another year of not talking about The Player and I think ol’ Tuna’s head would’ve melted. Heh, tuna melt.

The writing was on the wall. Parcells was slowly but surely headed for a Mora esque breakdown of epic proportions and there was no way Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was going to give up the T.O. publicity for a change at actually winning football games. Time to hire a new puppet coach, not like it matters. Everyone knows this is Jerry’s show, and it doesn’t matter who poses on the sidelines with a clipboard.

Hmmm… stands there with a clip board, doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move… either Jerry Jones is going to have to get Art Shell back to ‘patrol’ the sidelines, or he’s going to make Drew Bledsoe the NFL’s first player/coach. Both of them fit the criteria Jones had in mind when he picked Dave Campo a few years ago, and neither one of them will interfere with Jones’ running of the football club by doing something pesky like coaching or wanting to make personnel decisions.

Concerning the Indianapolis/Patriots game

[19:37] Ron: And Ron writes "Game Over" in his notebook
[19:37] Chris: Haha
[19:38] Ron: 4th and 6 and you can't get a stop?

[time lapse]

[19:52] Ron: So, think I can safely turn the football game off since I've already written 'game over' in my notebook?
[19:52] Chris: Yeah, the notebook is final
[19:52] Chris: Now its Obama V Billy B. Hobo

Time to go see what "The Simpsons" are up to.

Edit-10:22 PM EST: Well, that was fun. As Bill Simmons would say ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the Brady Face. Kenny Chesney is getting some awesome head tonight, because Peyton learned how to not choke.

HBO Championship Boxing: Urango vs. Hatton

Juan “Iron Twin” Urango (17-0-1, 13 KOs)
Ricky “The Hitman” Hatton (41-0, 30 KOs)
IBF Junior Welterweight (140lbs) Championship

At some point or another in the layoff between 147lbs and 140lbs, Ricky Hatton learned to box. I know, I was surprised too, but he moved his head, slipped punches well, and stood back and picked at the stronger Juan Urango, using his handspeed to his advantage by beating Urango to the punch early and often. Ricky was never in any real danger, and he seemed to know this once he got a taste of Urango’s power. By the same token, Ricky knew that he didn’t have power enough to knock out Urango.

I guess, if I had to describe Ricky Hatton’s first fight at his natural weight class (140) since moving up to Welterweight (147lbs) to defeat Luis Collazo, I’d use the word proficient. Hatton was proficient in his easy 12-round decision against Juan Urango, but not spectacular. That’s not to say that Ricky Hatton wasn’t impressive, but not impressive enough to garner the kind of following his promoters seem to think he’s destined for.

Glug glug neigh

Sometimes you've got a big date, but you're nervous. So, what do you do? You have yourself a little drink before you go out. Not too much, just enough to steady the hands and refresh the courage. You're human after all.

Sometimes, you've got yourself a big race, but you're nervous? So what does your vet do? He injects you with a little vodka before you go out to the track. Not too much, just enough to settle the nerves and keep those hooves from beating too hard. You're a prized thoroughbred, after all.

Maybe Barry Bonds using those horse steroids wasn't such a bad idea?

The AFC/NFC Championship Predictions thread

So last week was a pretty successful week for Jaime Sue and Len, who lead the SportsBastards crew in NFL playoff predictions. Of course, I bet you she’d trade her lead in this race for a Chargers win, but what Chargers fan wouldn’t sacrifice a couple homeless people at the altar of Belichick for a playoff win or two? By the same token, I’m sure a Giants fan like Len would want The Tuna back in New Jersey as the Giants coach once more, since Tom Coughlin’s a disaster in the making. As for Ron, the token Bengals fan, I’d like it if my team didn’t get arrested so damn much.

The Parcells tree has strong roots, folks. Don’t let the mediocrity of Tony Romo Homo and the Cowboys fool you, that’s not Bill’s fault. That’s all Jerry Jones.

Anyway, let’s go to Mo for the leaderboard! Mo!

The Leaderboard

Jaime Sue: 3-1
Len: 3-1
Ron: 2-2
Rich: 2-2
Jade: 2-2
Spinler: 2-2

New England Patriots vs. Indianapolis Colts
Ron: I’m just not feeling New England right now. The one damning failure of the Belichick era over the last few years is the lack of depth in the defensive backfield. Given the fragility of Rodney Harrison, this has been pretty glaring. Add in Tom Brady’s streaky play as of late, Indy’s sudden resurgence, and the fact that this isn’t outdoors and the Colts are going to take this one.
Jaime Sue: Colts
Rich: Colts
Jade: Patriots
Spinler: Patriots

New Orleans Saints vs. Chicago Bears
Ron: New Orleans suffers a second self inflicted disaster as Hurricane Ditka leads the Bears to an easy victory up in the frozen north. Seriously, move out of the dome and play some real football, and maybe next year you could knock off the Bears, but playing at Soldier Field in January? Yeesh. Maybe the boosters who put Reggie Bush’s parents up in that million dollar home can boost him some long johns and earmuffs.
Jaime Sue: Saints
Rich: Saints
Jade: Bears
Spinler: Saints

As always, add your predictions below and get in on the fun as we all get beaten by a girl.

Pacers/Warriors: Crazy versus Expensive

Professor Emeritus Stephen Jackson’s TITS classes “Actin’ a Fool” and “Inventive Ways to Get Banned from a Strip Club” have been moved from Indianapolis to the much-more fitting location of Oakland, California. Of course, in Oakland, if someone’s going to try and run you over outside a strip club, they’re trained enough in this art to be successful, so hopefully Profesor Jackson’s packing his big-boy guns on his trip.

Moving with Professor Jackson are Al Harrington, Sarunas Jasikevicius, and Josh Powell. In exchange for the talented Harrington and the bat-shit insane Jackson, the Warriors are giving up Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy, Ike Diogu, and Keith McLeod. The Warriors get better and slightly cheaper, and the Pacers get whiter and less prone to gunfights.

So, really, everyone wins.

Thunder at Daytona -- Take two

Jaime Sue is back with another NASCAR update for you, as round two of the Cup Testing ends. It's going to be an interesting season for NASCAR, but before I force y'all to sit through a bunch of little updates about the Nextel Cup series, the SB crew has decided to try their hands at fantasy racing this season. So, if you're interested in joining us at Yahoo for this session of fantasy racing, drop your email in the comments and we'll get an invite sent your way.

- After testing, drivers have decided that "the car of tomorrow" really won't be that bad after all. Kurt Busch became the first driver to get the car of tomorrow to top 190 miles per hour during the third day of testing.

- R.I.P Benny Parsons

- 72-year-old James Hylton is attempting to qualify for the Daytona 500, his first attempt since 1983. He hopes to be the oldest man to qualify for a NASCAR race. The current record holders are Jim Fitzgerald (Riverside, 1987) and Hershel McGriff (Sonoma, 1993), who were both 65 at the time.

- All four truck series manufacturers have changed the style of their trucks to debut with the start of the season in February.

And that's it for this NASCAR update, but I'm sure there will be more to come as the season nudges closer to a start.

Batten down the hatches, Doddtown. Hurricane Psycho Whore is loose.

If there's any real way to describe Joumana Kidd, there's a song that goes with it.

Yeah, according to Adrian Wojnarowski, she's been the gay rumor shit stirrer for the Nets. She's also been the league's most attractive freeloader. Wonder if her and Anna Benson trade advice on making life hell for their respective leagues.

For Nets fans, not even Jigga is going to be able to regulate on this crazy white girl. Be prepared for info you didn't need to know including cock sizes. I wonder if Strahan's wife is free for a date...

Mitch Mustain's ego released from Arkansas

Seems that Mitch Mustain and his ego-filled family can't take life on an SEC team such as Arkansas. Houston Nutt can't handle whiners, either. So, Houston gave him his walking papers. To which this editor says, good fucking riddance. Seems Mitch found out that he wasn't going to be the man in Arkansas thanks to the legs of Heisman finalist Darren McFadden.

To recap this sorry chronicle, Mitch, Ben Cleveland and Damian Williams were a part of the storied 2005 Springfield High School in Arkansas. It was considered one of the top teams in the nation, along with winning the Arkansas 5A title that year. All three of the players were split in where to go. However, when Arkansas hired their high school coach, Gus Malzahn, as the offensive coordinator, the crew thought they were going to repeat their big men routine at the college level.

However, at Arkansas, the boys learned that Nutt rules the roost, unlike the situation at Alabama... The guys at first berated Nutt slightly. It was even documented in Mustain's book about the 2005 season and going to Arkansas, "The quarterback said Arkansas "would have a better chance of getting me" if Nutt were fired." That's a good way to appease yourself to Hog Nation, isn't it?

Ol' Houston had other plans. In other words, get used to handing off, Mitch. Darren's got more talent than you. Mitch and his boys didn't like it, either. They were a pass offensive. They were the shit, and how dare Nutt do this. Too bad that Nutt didn't care. Mitch and Damian saw themselves benched. Ben got with the program, so he stayed out when they needed him. To top it all, Malzahn ended up losing his authority over the offense.


The Game (the rapper) vs. David Beckham?

So it seems that the Game wants to get in a game of futbol with Becks. According to Deadspin and the Guardian Unlimited, the Game wants to kick Beckham's ass.

To quote: "I'd kick David Beckham's ass on any given day," the Game said when asked about Beckham. "I'd just pick the ball up and kick the shit out of the stadium, game over."

While I doubt Jayceon Taylor's footballing skills, his thugging skills seem to be great. Not bad for a guy who used to suck Fitty's balls for a living. However, I doubt if it got to a fight that the Game could last. (No, Len. He can't, so don't say how your boy is going to do anything. Trust me, he'll go in like Carmelo the Cunt and slap fight.)

The Game has to also know the fact that Beckham knows British Kung Fu, and that he's got no chance in a fight with Becks. Don't believe me, watch the video below and learn...

Like I said, Game will be over quickly...

The Rule...Homefield...No Way They Lose Sunday...

Right? I mean, seriously, it has to end at some point doesn't it? The Colts played about as bad as they could on Saturday. Let's not forget the fact that Billick probably outcoached himself not running enough against the Charmin soft Indy D, but yet the Colts escaped. That, on top of the Pats winning against the Not So Super Chargers, means we get the Colts and Pats one time for the great time in Indy.

What probably won't be mentioned by most media outlets is that this is the first postseason meeting that these two teams have had since the infamous 20-3 romp in Foxboro where Peyton and the rest of the Colts cried and bitched until the NFL made a rule prohibiting contact with receivers after the first 5 yards. A rule which was supposed to enable teams like the Colts to thrive and win Super Bowls, but damn. Let's not forget that whole "Defense Wins Championships" credo.

It just hasn't failed yet. Which brings us back to what I mentioned in the title. Everything short of the refs wearing Colt jerseys this Sunday are in place for the Colts to FINALLY reach their first Super Bowl since the Roman numerals were in single damn digits. Hell, it
would be the first time since the team moved to Indy, and the first time since Shula walked the sidelines.

All told, for all that's really going FOR Indy. There's one thing going solidly against them. Greatness. The Pats have it. Belichick has it in terms of gameplanning when it counts. Brady has it in terms of winning when it counts. Hell, if you're believing that one kick solidifies this, the rookie kicker they got for Vinatieri is developing it. People will tell me in no uncertain terms that since the last playoff meeting, the Colts have had NE's number. No arguing that.

But tell me, did the Colts win the Lamar Hunt Trophy for winning those two regular season games? Cause if they didn't, then it's a moot point. The Pats are gonna be favorites, because they've been there and done that. Oh and the last time the Pats visited Indy...the Pats won in the regular season. The Pats haven't lost a conference title game in their franchise's history. The Colts are 1-3.

At this time of the year, you don't bet against Belichick and Brady. If you don't believe me, just ask Tomlinson and the Bolts. Provided LDT stops bitching about how classless the Pats are to answer.

Benny Parsons 1941 - 2007

Benny Parsons 1941 - 2007
Benny Parsons
12 July 1941 – 16 January 2007
Benny Parsons, former NASCAR Champion, passed away today at the age of sixty-five. He died of complications due to lung cancer, a disease he'd been fighting since the summer of 2006.

Some of the older readers might remember Parsons as the 1973 Winston (now Nextel) Cup Champion. Parsons amassed 21 wins, 283 top ten finishes and twenty poles over his Cup career that stretched from 1964 - 1988.

But even more of us remember Benny Parsons for his announcing career for NASCAR. He called the races from the booth for both TNT and NBC, a voice that fans started to miss in the summer of 2006, when Benny announced that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer. During his announcing career he won both an ESPY and a Cable ACE award. He also hosted his own radio show, and as the times changed, even began hosting his own weekly podcast.

Radio Host, Announcer, Champion... and above all these things Benny Parsons was a great man and he will be sorely missed by the NASCAR community. Rest in peace, Benny.

Money Talks...BS Runs The Marathon.

Nino Brown says this in New Jack City only moments before this guy who's
dangling from the side of a bridge is let go. The Pats in this case and in all cases until Belichick retires or whatever, are money. Everyone else can go ahead and run the marathon. People hate the Patriots for various
reasons and me as a Jets fan, I hate em' twice a year by obligation. But other than that, I like em' and always have because of their uniforms. From the Patriot on the helmet in the three point stance [second best throwback behind SD's powder blues with the yellow bolt] to the 90s one with the head on the shoulder pads, I've always been a quiet Patriot mark. But what I saw on Sunday, was arguably hands down one of the worst Brady performances ever. It was Tomlinson's best and in spite of what everyone's said, putting this on Marty and the belongs somewhere else...for now. How's about the leg of the kicker who so totally schtoinked the game tying kick, Nick Fading Faster Than Paris's Music Career? Now, I'll be the first to admit, Marty challenging the damn
fumble that was ranks right up there with Bush telling the world that 20,000 more troops in Iraq will procure victory in phase 3439705 of the War on Drugs, err Terrorism [same difference]. You know it's wrong, they know it's wrong, but they don't wanna admit that it's wrong. All told if you're a Chargers fan, here's why you can be optimistic about next year.

A) Rivers didn't implode. Your kicker did.
B) You've got a sound offensive nucleus in place, ditto on the defensive side. But special teams is well...special. Short, yellow school bus type of

That's all. But...there are a few points of contention here I need to touch on.

tOSU is gonna suck.

Just in from the BS Leader wire. Keep the sharp objects away from your favorite tOSU fans. Ted Ginn Jr. and Antonio Pittman said fuck off to their senior season. Somewhere I see Ron pulling out that Mickey in celebration when he reads the sentence again. That's right, Ron. Ginn, who got hurt on a celebration, is going to the NFL.

The same man who got put out in a dogpile going to the NFL... Holy shit, they'll let anyone in won't they? And Pittman, who supposedly sets the same marks as Archie Griffin and Eddie George with half the manliness. Yeah, he's going too.

They join fellow overrated teammate Troy Smith in the draft. Unlike Troy, they chose to go. Troy, however, had to go because he actually passed underwater basket weaving this year. Sweater Vest might need to start massively paying play... I mean recruit some good players this season. In other words, there might not be another shot at the National Championship for tOSU unless they get in a playoff. Yeah, I see the tOSU flag in that arguement...

LaDainian Tomlinson must be having his monthlies.

So, in the wake of the San Diego Chargers/New England Patriots debacle, in which the wise and wonderful SB commentator Jade said, “(A)s a Patriots fan, I must thank each and every one of them (The Chargers). We put on probably our shittiest postseason performance ever, but your guys managed to save the day for us,” the hot talk seems to be on the impending demise of the coaching career (in San Diego) of one Marty Schottenheimer. Word on the street is he’s going to be shit-canned, and rightfully so.

Now, the Critic says that the loss wasn’t Marty’s fault. After all, he hasn’t played professional football in over 36 years, so he wasn’t the one out there making stupid penalties, being a dumbass, and strangling under pressure. Unfortunately for the Critic, I disagree, because the Chargers’ problems stem from problems with, you guessed it, coaching. And for once, by ‘coaching’ I don’t mean Marty Ball.

Click the cut as I break this down, Telestrator-style, and spread the hate where it belongs.

I fucking HATE Nate Kaeding!

That’s it! I officially fucking hate Nate Kaeding. I don’t give a damn if he wins 16 Super Bowl rings, kicking the game winner in each of them. Hell, and this may sound a bit much, but right now if he was to get injured and never able to play again, I’d jump for joy.

This has been the second fucking time in three years (and in two consecutive Playoff trips) that Nate Kaeding missed a fucking game winning Field-Goal. A note to you, Nate…you get paid to make kicks- so fucking make them!

Who names their son Tadd?

A potbellied 16-year-old boy named Tadd Fujikawa? Yep, he made the cut at the Sony Open in beautiful Honolulu, Hawai'i.

A 17-year-old girl named Michelle Wie who makes more money from one endorsement deal than the SportsBastards crew will ever collectively make in our entire lives? She stunk the place up and missed the cut by 14 strokes.

Which one's the household name again? Which one's Tiger with tits? Which one is the one that's gonna be playing with the men in 5 years?

That's what I thought.


January 12, 2007, is a day that will live in infamy. That's right, kids, as you can tell by the screaming title, Stephen A. Smith's Nobel Prize-nominated show "Quite Frankly, with Stephen A. Smith," is joining ESPN Mobile on the scrap heap. Sad news, I know.

However, all is not lost. Stephen A. still has his sportswriter job, and for the low-low price of a bag of delicious cheese doodles, we might've found ourself a new commentator here at the Internet home for the Earl Boykins Dog Rodeo, CHEESE DOODLES, BITCH!

Welcome home, Screamin' A. Welcome home. We missed you.

Get ready to buy your loved one some overpriced LA Galaxy crap...

If you haven't heard already from the nearest soccer fanatic (I know you haven't, Ron. Kentucky doesn't have many of those at all.) Mr. Personality himself, with skinny ho, is coming to America. David Beckham told Real Madrid to shove it up their ass. Why? To take advantage of the "Beckham Rule" in the MLS and play in LA. Yes, we're getting our very own lifelike example of a Chav God Status Couple.

So, for those of you in the UK who read this site, I'm telling you blokes nothing new. This section is for my fellow Yanks. I'll catch up to you later. K?

Alright, for you Americans, these linked names shall give you a full Wiki-history on David and Victoria Beckham. Trust me, it gets better after that...

What you get with Becks, is the association with him and TomKat. Also, the flirtation with him and the church of $cientology. Also, you'll get some white trash moments that can go head to head with Britney and K-Fed back in their "happy" days. That's the trade you folks get for the other side of Becks...

David Beckham, despite the perceived white trash look, is actually worth the mettle. He was a part of the storied Manchester United squad from 1991 as a youth club member to 2003 as one of the highest paid ever. He's the fifth highest capped player in English history. He's the third Englishman ever to sign with Real Madrid. To top it off, there's a reason they call it "Bend it like Beckham."

He's pretty much like every athlete. In other words, David Beckham is talent with baggage. This deal with LA will net him at least 50 million dollars US, after endorsements and royalties. In other words, the MLS is banking high on Becks to get the international audience that saw him in the Premiership and in UEFA Champions League to watch the MLS. Only time will tell whether Beckham can bend the international audience to watch the MLS...

It's a small world after all!

Somewhere, Chris Smith weeps silently in a closed, hugging his faded baby-blue Nuggets #11 jersey. What has Chris so heartbroken, you ask? His mentor, his idol… the shortest man in the NBA, Earl Boykins, along with Julius Hodge and a sack full of Carmelo Anthony’s weed money, has been traded from Denver to the Milwaukee Bucks for Steve Blake.

Not that the trade is a bad thing. Milwaukee gets half a shooting guard and some guy that never played, and the Nuggets get a legitimate passing point guard and all they gave up was a guy shorter than our own beloved Jaime Sue. The only bad part is that Chris is going to have to wait until the trade is complete to make more Earl Boykins jokes, and Earl will no longer be able to ride along on Marcus Camby’s back like Master Blaster from the criminally-underrated “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.”

So, to tide you over, here’s a picture of Earl Boykins riding a dog.

Barry The Snitch And Da Game Of The...Postseason.

Gonna start this one out with my thoughts on Barry The Snitch Bitch Bonds, because after what he has just pulled, it'd be remiss of me not to unload on this roided freak with both barrels.

First off, let me start out by saying that there's a reason that no other team in the majors other than the San Fran Midgets signed this clown in the offseason. Damn great reason at that. He's a cancer in the locker room that actually carries the distinction of making T.O. seem like one of the coolest cats on the planet by comparison. I mean, say what you will about T.O., but even HE wouldn't stoop as low as this spinally challenged bastard did. Fails a test for amphetamines and even though he's not going to be hit with any punishment. Thanks to Bud Idiot and that strict policy of MLB. He still has enough heart to say he got the smoking gun from Mark Sweeney's locker. Uh...yeah.

We'll believe that about as quickly as we will believe that George Dummy Bush's plan to send over 20,000 more troops will bring about a quick resolution in the War on Drugs...err Oil, err, Terrorism (may as well be the War on Drugs, there's not a victory to be seen for miles and miles). But anyway, I will say this about Bonds. Even IF he breaks the home run record this season or next, he shouldn't be allowed into Cooperstown.

I mean, it's painfully obvious that much like with Big Roided Mac, Bonds hasn't exactly been clean (not Clear, but clean mind you) during his pursuit of the mark. If I gave you two pictures of Bonds, one picture from his days in Pittsburgh where he practically resembled my current frame ,and I'll give another picture of him in San Fran where he all but inflated to gigantic proportions, I'm daring someone to tell me that's not 'roids flare-up. I'm daring someone to tell me that he's been knocking balls into the Bay on natural power alone.

My main point being, if they can keep Pete Rose out for doing nothing other than gambling on baseball and lying about it [Which he confessed to at long last and for that, he should be commended.]while being Baseball's All Time Hit King...why should they let in a Snitch who tried to throw his teammate on the tracks in front of the Bullet Train and a guy who basically pulled the biggest "Next question..." before Drew Rosenhaus did. Only McRoid did it in front of Congress. But enough about this, time to talk football.

Big Mac fights for plaque.

Like everyone else, I have an opinion about if and why Mark McGwire belongs in the Hall of Fame. Unlike everyone else, I’m not going to elaborate on it, because Will Leitch of Deadspin nails the reason why Big Mac belongs in Cooperstown in one crushing moonshot (read it quick, it’s from the New York Times).

Steroids or not, Big Mac belongs in the Hall of Fame, because players have been using steroids since the 1970’s (anecdotally). Why’d it take someone 37 years to break Roger Maris' single season record? Because it’s not about power alone. It’s about hitting the home runs, staying healthy, getting good pitches to hit, having someone around to push you, and surviving the intense pressure of assaulting one of baseball’s holiest records.

Mark McGwire did that. Mark McGwire, along with Sammy Sosa, helped save baseball from a fate that the National Hockey League is struggling with at this very moment: meaninglessness. For that feat (that and 583 home runs), combined with the fact he did nothing illegal (unlike Hall of Famers Ty Cobb and Gaylord Perry, among others), Big Mac deserves to be on that plaque in Cooperstown, and no pompous media assholes are going to tell me otherwise.

Divisional Playoff Picks

Personally I was 3-1 in my playoff picks for the first week, but we're a little behind here at SB. So, for Official Bastard Bragging Rights (OBBR).

You'll find the SB crew's (at least the ones I surveyed) picks below. Add your own in comments and I'll edit them into the post. Then we'll see who now through the Super Bowl comes out on Top. And we'll come up with a tie-breaker for Super Bowl XLI.

New England Patriots vs. San Diego Chargers
Jaime Sue: That team that isn't the New England Patriots that Jaime Sue won't mention. (Ron Edited in the correct name above for that team.)
Ron: New England Patriots
Rich: The SupahChargers
Jade: Patriots
Len: Patriots
Spinler: Chargers win 21-20 with Gostkowski missing a potentially winning field goal late, making all Pats fans wish they had Vinateri still.

Baltimore Ravens vs. Indianapolis Colts
Jaime Sue: Indianapolis Colts
Ron: Baltimore Colts Ravens
Rich: Baltimore. Peyton will get bent into positions that Kenny Chesney didn't think of.
Jade: Baltimore
Len: Ravens
Spinler: Ravens 24-17 over the Colts.

New Orleans Saints v. Philadelphia Eagles
Jaime Sue: As much as I love the Eagles, I have to pick the Saints.
Ron: Philly, Jeff Garcia is playing too well and the Saints have never even sniffed the playoffs.
Rich: Saints - God's team vs. God's team?!! Sorry Philly, I hope Jeff keeps the starter job, but let the Saints march to the Championship game.
Jade: Eagles
Len: Saints
Spinler: Saints 42-24 over the Eagles.

Chicago Bears v. Seattle Seahawks

Jaime Sue: Chicago Bears
Ron: Da Bears, but only if Hurricane Ditka doesn't show up.
Rich: Bears - Bye Seacunts. Don't let Urlacher hurt you too bad and don't let Hester burn you too bad. Da Bears win!
Jade: Bears
Len: Bears
Spinler: Bears win 9-7 with Brian Griese leading the Bears to the winning FG late after Grossman throws a pick-6 to Seattle.

Lack of Standards

As soon as it was official that Mark McGwire would not be voted into the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame, every single sports show out there started talking about how a supposed double standard exists between the National Football League and Major League Baseball. Arguments are arising saying that NFL players get off too easily when they abuse steroids and we hold MLB players to too harsh of a standard. Frankly, anyone who believes this double standard exists in this fashion is full of shit.

Let's examine why the double standard can't possibly exist between these two organizations about steroid abuse. First -- the only baseball players guilty of steroid abuse in the past are out there are because either:

a) They admitted it

b) Another player accuses them of it. Baseball tests the bats more than they test the players.

The NFL, on the other hand, subjects players to random testing throughout the year. Then they are suspended four games for their first infraction, six games for their second infraction, and a minimum of a year long suspension for a third infraction.

Here, players serve their time, pay for their crime and then they get back to playing football. There are the few players who end up going through all three warnings, but they are rare.

That's why if you're on steroids in the NFL, you aren't on them for very long and if you are, then you'd be out of the game for good. That's why Shawne Merriman deserves to be named to the Pro Bowl and the all star team even after serving the four-game suspension.

Baseball, on the other hand, until last year didn't test its players. They didn't serve suspensions for doing steroids, because the owners and the league did not have a method of proving that the players are on steroids. The United States Congress was more active in attempting to rid MLB of steroids then the league itself is.

Now that baseball is starting to catch and punish players for steroid use I think any perception of a double standard will be erased. It isn't about Major League Baseball being the National Pastime or a perception that steroid use doesn't matter as much in football as it does in baseball. It was about the fact that the public in general perceives Mark McGwire guilty of a crime that he hasn't been convicted or punished for. So, most sports writers with a vote have deemed it their place to keep anyone they believe might have been on steroids out of the Cooperstown, even without admission.

In this writer's opinion, guilty or not, Mark McGwire deserves to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

39 Days and Counting

The NASCAR preseason officially began with the start of the preseason thunder at Daytona on Monday, and Jaime Sue is here to fill you in on a few of the stories going on within NASCAR and help rev your engines and build your excitement for the upcoming Daytona 500. I'm personally already excited and cannot wait for Daytona.

Jimmie Johnson's hurt wrist - As many of you know, Jimmie hurt his wrist while goofing off at a golf tournament. He fell off the top of a golf cart. But worry not, for Jimmie as he showed up to test at Daytona on Monday and has provided several of the top test speeds so far this week. While he is wearing a splint on his wrist to be cautious, expect it to be gone within a week.

Where will Dale Jr. go in 2008? - Personally, I hate Jr. and could care less where the little tart ends up, but I won't let my hate prevent me from bringing you the scoop. Currently Junior's contract is set to run out at the end of 2007, and while he is in talks with DEI Racing to renew his contract, there are still rumors swirling that his frosty, at best, relationship with step-mommy dearest might lead Junior to take himself to a different race team. There is also talk that Junior is making some demands, such as a ownership stake in DEI, before he'll agree to a new contract.

Changes to the Chase are looming - Changes to the Chase format are expected to be officially announced during the Charlotte media tour. But a few of those changes are expected to be expanding the Chase field from 10 to 12, getting rid of the "within 400 points of the leader" clause, and finally rewarding drivers more for winning a race by giving them a ten-point bonus.

Ricky Rudd to race full time - Yes Rudd fans, and I know you're there, Ricky Rudd has joined Robert Yates Racing and is committed to racing a full-time schedule in 2007. His retirement lasted all of one season; welcome back Ricky.

Car of Tomorrow to Debut in March - NASCAR's "Car of Tomorrow" is set to debut at Bristol in March. Dodge and Chevy have already announced their intentions to use different cars for the new chassis. Chevrolet will be going from the Monte Carlo to the Impala and Dodge will be going from the Charger to the Avenger.

Busch Series no more - No, they're not getting rid of this division, but Anheuser-Busch has officially announced that they will no longer sponsor the series after the end of the 2007 season. Who do you think should step-up to the plate to sponsor the series?

Well, that's it for this catch-up on NASCAR news. But I promise to bring you more as the Preseason Thunder continues on. 39 days is too far away.

IT'S BACK... New Rules for January 10, 2007

That's right, people. Coming back harder than a case of Type II Herpes that stripper got from Mike Vick, it's the New Rules. It's gonna be a shorter list though. Don't want to burn myself out again. I've been overdue on this, so let's go, shall we?

- New York Giants are keeping Tom Coughlin. Why? They enjoy pissing naysayers like Len off. So, here's a laundry list for the Giants to get to talking to. Eli, White Trash Shockey, Gap Tooth, and Plexiglass. If Coughy is allowed to get rid of any of that group, only Eli will stay.

- Michelle Wie, stop it, oh Korean goddess. While you shouldn't listen to a former college cumdumpster like Jemelelelelele on most of her crap, listen to the college folks (Chris, Ron, Luis, Jade, Jaime, me) and stay the fuck in school. Get on an NCAA team. Dominate like Tiger. Repeat after you get the degree.

- Ohio State Buckeyes are who we thought they were--overrated. First the football team gets chomped by Gators. Now the basketball team is being clawed by Badgers. I think they need to go against non-animal teams next year. Except Michigan...

- Gilbert Arenas = scary. Kobe went and pissed him off this year. Now yesterday during the ESPN chat, I found out that the man had 6 fucking PS3. He doesn't play any of them. Any man with that much ownage of anything, you don't want to fuck with, ever.

- Memphis proved something. Luke Walton is a mealy-mouthed worthless bastard. Kobe can't handle teams "lesser in the food chain" than the Lakers. Pau Gasol can actually have a good game.

- We now found out why Jason Kidd was an alleged wife beater. It's not that he was turning into Shawn Kemp. It was the fact that Joumana was turning into Tawny Kitaen.

- Finally, a few people in my previous articles have taken attacks on me. I'll say this once to them. CSTB, when you learn to stop the copypasta, we'll learn to respect you. Until then, go choke on your boyfriend's dick.

- To the Vandy guys, I take talk of racism from rich white boys as seriously as I take skin care advice from a leper. Go waste more of mommy and daddy's money and then die alone, you pricks.

All I've got, folks. More news and general shit coming from this disgruntled associate editor soon...

A Repugnant End To A Repugnant Season.

It's all Coughlin, all the time today people. I'm pissed. Legitimately and righteously pissed as I type this right now. I'm not pissed at the fact that the Eagles with Fruitbooty Garcia at QB beat us for the second time in 4 weeks. Well...okay, I'm really really ticked about that. I'm not even the least bit pissed that the Giants played well from what I did get to see, but are still going home for an early Winter break.

Going back to their Super Bowl campaign seven years ago, they haven't advanced out of the Wild Card round since Kerry Collins was at QB and Fassel Fuel was flowing through this offense. Food for thought people. Anyway, I'm past pissed about the stupid penalties from a team that's supposed to be coached by one of the staunchest disciplinarians in the NFL. That's like being pissed because the baby hasn't quite figured out how to use the potty yet, despite constant efforts to teach the rugrat. He'll learn in due time, but I digress. I'm pissed for the following reasons...

Gator Bait...Bitches.

For about 52 days, all I've heard is OSU this and OSU that. Michigan belongs in the National Championship game this and Florida doesn't deserve that. Troy Smith is the Heisman Trophy winner this and the National Title will be a forgone conclusion that. Looks like Florida didn't take too kindly to hearing all of this over the course of the past month and change, because with an emphatic jackslap and tailwhip, they send Troy Smith into Heisman Loserville with other ugluminaries such as Gino Bloretta, Eric Couch, Chris Twinkie and well...a ton of other Heisman clowns who basically followed up the happiest day of their collegiate lives with the worst day of their careers. Oh and before I get into the meat of this rant of mine, couple of things I feel the need to touch on...

A) Enough with the "Big Ten is the toughest conference in football" crap. SEC fans have heard it, Florida heard it and after your conference champion was all but stripped down to its birthday suit with Troy Smith looking worse than Justin Zwick [wonder how many were secretly calling out for him to come in last night], are not impressed. LSU could've and probably would have done it a lot worse, Ohio State was fortunate to have skated through the year as #1.

B) BSU fans, shut up with the whole "we deserve a title shot" crap. No, you do not. The mere fact that you've got a Top 5 ranking [best in school history] is enough and should be. Your school will probably crash back down to reality next season, so enjoy this season for what it was. It's highly doubtful it'll happen again.

C) Troy Smith. Consider this your lucky quarter year. You lucked up by winning the Heisman, basically running it up on a ton of cupcake schools that let you run and throw at will...only to finally be exposed for the fraud you've been all along last night when someone that's running as fast as you are come calling. You're probably going to be the third QB taken in April, your career won't amount to much and at the end of it all, all you're gonna have to show for it are a ton of wins over That Scrimmage Squad Up North [Michigan] and a few schools that rolled over and played dead for you in your bowl wins. Odds are if Adrian Peterson didn't break his collarbone, you're watching him accept that big bronze trophy that resides on your mantle instead of taking it yourself.

D) I think I'll save this point for later. :) On to the main event.

Mangini working his way to eventual Pantheon-hood.

Well, it seems that Mangini has figured out the ultimate way for his New York J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS to man up. He's going to have another QB challenge. Of course, we all know that Chad Pennington won last year's challenge and got them all the way to Foxborough, MA. While losing to the Pats, the Jets went for a longer season that most expected.

What does this prove to the NFL? That Mangenius is quite batshit nuts like his mentors, Parcells and Belichick. In fact, if the Parcells family of coaches were like Star Wars, (Parcells being Yoda, of course) Mangini is making his own ranks as Obi-Wan Kenobi to Belichick's Darth Vader. But I'm getting too geekish.

Mangini will line up the competition yet again with Chad Pennington vs. Kellen Clemens. To quote from Chad: "One thing I have learned over the past seven years is that you are not guaranteed anything in this league," Pennington said. "No matter what has happened in the past, it does not guarantee a future. What I am guaranteed is another opportunity to show what I can do and to lead this team. I feel confident in that."

Mangini has been known to say that every season, the Jets are 0-0. Which means for him, the whole team has to start fresh. However, it will be without Curtis Martin. Considering that Curtis stayed around to mentor the two RB candidates, Leon Washington and Cedric Houston, next year will be fierce with that competition.

I wonder how long before the rest of the NFL actually listens to Mangenius on this aspect...

It's Moral Whore Time!

That's right, children. The hangover last night has probably soured in ESPN's former athlete whore, Jemelelelelelele. Seems she goes from semi-cheapening athlete deaths to pissing on the programs of Ohio State and Florida. To establish I'm going with a 10 point system. Ready. Go!

1. Let's review the "right" way that Meyer and Jim Tressel have done things, shall we?

Tressel's quarterback at Youngstown State received $10,000 and other illegal benefits from a booster.

Rich - Right... Hey, Jemelelelelele. Ron covered that long ago. It's been in our joke lexicon since day one. And let's not get to the Critic, KSK, and Deadspin. Big Daddy Drew over at KSK probably has a million more jokes on his hard drive. Old news, Oprah, Jr.

2. At Ohio State, Maurice Clarett said the program provided players with cars and bogus jobs, which were supposedly fronts to supply easy cash to players.

Rich - You believe Maurice Clarett? Bitch, please. Maurice hasn't said anything correctly unless he's under oath... On trial!

3. Those allegations weren't proven, but Tressel's current star, Troy Smith, was later busted for accepting $500 from a booster.

Rich - Glad you actually read Pat Forde's columns. You should read more from us Southern boys.

The next seven, it's cut time...

Florida PWNS Ohio State.

As the lovely Jaime Sue told me over IM, the best way to state this game in plain terms.

Jaime Sue: Since you pretty much own the rights to summarizing the game on SB. You should start it off with how Ohio State started it off right by returning the opening kick-off for a touchdown. And that was the only thing they did right tonight.

Rich Brown: Actually the only thing they did right was showing up without tripping on the field

Rich Brown: After that, it went to hell

As she said, tOSU started good with an opening touchdown. Hell, they even got another touchdown along the way. Then the Florida defense played tighter than the jaw of the mentioned 'gator. In other words, Troy Smith saw the Arizona sky most of the night. Ted Ginn, Jr. saw the sideline on crutches after the 1st Quarter.

In other words, if you were a Buckeyes fan tonight, I'll send some Kleenexes later. Seems the Faustian deal you folks made for tOSU to dominate... It didn't work, guys. Much like Angels in the Outfield, that stuff has to be won on your own with no real spiritual or otherwise help.

The SEC showed why it's still the toughest fucking college conference around. I'm sure the Critic would argue that, but it's not going to be a convincing one at the moment.

So, for posterity, there's no real need to do the blow by blow. ESPN can give you that. If you want accuracy, go to MSNBC, really.

The score.

Florida - 41
tOSU - 14

Expect a cute girl in a Gator shirt soon.

The BCS Dare.

Alright, those of you who've read this site for the past five months should realize how much Ron and I hate tOSU. In fact, we dubbed it the "best damn paid for team in the land, that didn't want to go to USC." I'm still sticking by that insult. In fact, I'm sticking by it so much that I'm going to "man up" in my belief that Troy Smith needs to leave the field via stretcher. Thus the "Fuck Ohio State" bet that I'm having with Amy...

Who is Amy?

Get a room...

Cute, ain't it? I'm getting in my insulin shot looking at that picture. (Be aware that I love her and A-Rock to death, but still... Emotional, I ain't.)

Amy is a pure "Scarlet and whatever fucking colors tOSU decided to pick up along the side of the road" girl. As for me, as much as I insult the SEC/Bubba League, I'm still a Southern boy willing to stand up to this Yankee yapping. It's time for the bet.

If tOSU fucking wins, I get to humiliate myself right here in front of all of you by soiling my body with a fucking tOSU shirt. And folks, I'm tattooed. Trust me, the tats hurt less than wearing that shirt.

If Florida defends the honor of the South, Amy gets to march her cute little ass in front of a camera with a Florida Gators shirt on. (Don't worry, dear, I'll get you a pink one if you need it in that color.)

In other words, kids. You better pray to baby Jesus that Florida wins. I become even more bitter when I lose bets. I'm sure a certain queer webmaster and a couple of Vandy fraternity fags are hoping that day never comes...

Gator Chomp, bitches!

Bobby Hamilton 1957 - 2007

Bobby Hamilton 1957-2007
Bobby Hamilton 1957 - 2007

Cancer claimed another life today as Bobby Hamilton passed away after losing his 11-month battle with neck cancer.

Hamilton's NASCAR career spanned three decades and in these three decades he amassed four wins, sixty-seven top ten finishes and five poles. His last win came in 2001 at Talladega, the first restrictor plate race after Dale Earnhardt's death. The entire 500-mile race ran completely caution free, and when Hamilton emerged from his car after winning the race, he had to be given oxygen. Additionally, he was also the 2004 Craftsman Truck Series Champion.

Bobby Hamilton is survived by his wife, granddaughter, and son, Bobby Hamilton Jr., who is assumed to take over the reigns of Bobby Hamilton Racing (BHR). Hamilton Jr. also took over driving for his father in the truck series after Hamilton was diagnosed with neck cancer.

This is not going to end well, for Mario Danelo or anyone else.

Mario Danelo, the smart USC kicker (not the one who can't stay on the team for lack of passing grades), was found dead overnight.

There aren't many details known about it yet, but considering the fact he was found at the bottom of a 120-foot cliff, I doubt this is going to end pleasantly. People don't accidentally leap off the side of a cliff, unless they're completely out of their head on drugs. He is a kicker, and thus may be a drug-loving fool, but this just reeks of suicide, coming so close to the holidays.

I hope I'm wrong.

First NFL Arrest of 2007 -- and It's Not a Bengal!

Note: I didn't write this, but I thought I'd share it with ya'll anyway. All credit goes to

Will wonders never cease? A pro football player was arrested early New Years Day and he didn't play for Cincinnati. (Then again, if you found out he played for the Vikings, would that surprise you?) In custody is Minnesota wide receiver Travis Taylor who got into a scuffle with cops early Monday morning. According to police, Taylor refused to get into his waiting limo as officers were trying to disperse a large unruly crowd so an AMBULANCE COULD GET THROUGH. At that point they say he began pushing the officer and eventually that cop had to use a Taser to subdue Taylor, who called the incident, ". . . a misunderstanding and an unfortunate situation." He was booked charges of fifth-degree assault, disorderly conduct and interfering with pedestrian or vehicular traffic, all misdemeanors. (Fox Sports)

An Open Letter to the Dallas Cowboys

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure where to begin here. You all really sucked the place fantastic today, so there’s plenty of blame to go around. I think I’ll start at the bottom of the list of people that need some constructive criticism and work my way to the top. Or maybe I’ll just go wherever I feel the urge to go, and just start shredding ass everywhere. Either way, it should be a lot of fun for a Cowboys-hater like myself.

Martin Gramatica—The good thing about losing the game is that you don’t have to worry about hurting yourself as you celebrate what should be a routine 19-yard game-winning field goal. The bad thing about losing the game is that I didn’t get to laugh at you for hurting yourself while celebrating routine 19-yard field goal. But hey, whenever they gave you a ball to kick, you kicked it and kicked it well. I’d say you could hold your head up high, but you’re still a fucking Gramatica.

Terrell Owens—"The only person allowed to choke and drop balls in the clutch is TO, damn it!" I don’t think I saw you drop any passes today, but then again, it’s hard to drop a ball that bounces three feet in front of you or sails over your head. Have a second helping of pills tonight, buddy; you've earned it.

It just gets better from here...

in other news, I fucking hate Duke

The two sweetest words in the English language to just about every college basketball fan are: Duke loses. Needless to say, this entry took awhile to get up here, because I've been celebrating the downfall of the hated Dookies since, oh, 4:00 or so. I have nothing really constructive to add, other than a hearty cry of...


Let us taste this cool desert wind.

Randy Johnson, the Big Crippled Unit, is out on his surgically-repaired backside. Carrying a respectable 34 19 despite his high 5.00 ERA, he’s going to where most old people retire to if they don’t head for Miami: Phoenix, Arizona.

That’s right, the Big Red Retard is back in the desert, where no doubt his skin will as soon be as red as his formerly-glorious mullet. In exchange for Johnson and floating about $2 million dollars of his salary, the Yankees get Luis Vizcaino, minor league pitchers Ross Ohlendorf and Steven Jackson, and shortstop/Attorney General of the United States Alberto Gonzalez.

This is one of those rare situations where both teams benefit. The Yankees cut salary money and restock the minor leagues with trade-bait for their next reckless midseason trade, while the Diamondbacks get someone to help fill the stadium once every five games, even if it is just to watch a giant man bird who is incapable of tying his own shoes get shellacked by the power packed lineup of the Kansas City Royals.

The next step for Arizona Diamondbacks General Manager Josh Byrnes’ insidious plan to fill the bleachers at Bank One Ballpark include signing a clown, a midget pinch-runner, and of course a one-eyed woman relief pitcher with the nickname “Bean.”

The End of an Era in Pittsburgh

It's going to be official. Bill "The Chin" Cowher is going to ride off into the sunset for at least this year, as is reported by the man with the serial killer smirk. He calls it retirement. I'll call it like I see it. It's holding out for a team that'll pay for that gigantic chin and the ego that comes with it. So, let's remind you the viewer why Bill's retiring.

The Offensive Line

All the hot fans that double as the offensive line...

Of course, there's more...

The Grimey Three

So I'm sitting at home today thinking when something hits me in my skull in regards to ranting about all things sports. Given how much ESPN I consume on the average, why not take at least three topics that are ranted on [in some instances as blindly as can be] and do it my way. I'm gonna do this tonight, then starting next week, every Saturday [since I need to do more writing over the course of the weekend and what not] thereafter. So after sitting at home and tossing things back and forth in my head the three topics I'm going to get all "Grimey" on are as follows...

- Nicocchio Going To 'Bama
- The Not So Mighty Quinn
- When Being Overrated Is Too Much and Nonachieving Isn't Enough.

So alright, I'm partially taking this from my dawg Stephen A. Smith, but I digress. Before I get into that, allow me to very quickly touch on the NFC picture or the Jigsaw Puzzle For Retards that is sadly, the NFC. Let me first state that growing up as a little Grimey Guy in Jersey, the NFC was the Alpha and Omega of the NFL. If you ever told me that the AFC would rise to Mt. Fuji-esque levels and the NFC would sink lower than the combined stocks of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson amongst real Blacks, I would've laughed in your face. But alas, this has happened. I was all but ready to go all rantalicious on these two games, but why bother? All four teams while being fatally flawed in their own, sadly unique ways are as mediocrity and this year's top two NFC teams would have it, all capable of booking trips to Miami for February 4th. So, here are my picks:

New York over Philly
Dallas over Seattle

I'm sorry, but the Madden Curse will rear its true form [Titans fans can see where I'm going with this] and Shaun Alexander will make one costly, unconventionalish error that dooms this team. On top of that, I had no clue their secondary was as patchwork as a quilt. Dallas will pick these boys apart through the air.

As for NY over Philly, let me be clear about something. Two things actually. One, this is quasi-personal for me as someone I used to know has royally pissed me off and I'd love to see her team crash and burn horribly. I actually miss laughing at these clowns, I really do and secondly, by no means is a win good enough to save Coughlin's job in NY or is it enough to get me to not go back home armed to the teeth to force his resignation Tony Soprano style. Only ONE thing can save it and stop me and that's a Vince Lombardi trophy. Alright, onto the Grimey Three.

Nice guys do finish first

2006 NFL MVP

LaDainian Tomlinson was named the AP Most Valuable Player of the Year, today. This should come as no surprise to anyone after LT's amazing breakaway season. What also shouldn't make anyone's jaw drop is the fact that he recieved 44 out of 50 votes for the honor. He kept breaking record after record this year, pretty much any time he touched the ball. First he broke Shaun Alexander's league record for touchdowns scored in a single season. Then he took away another record from Alexander, last year's MVP, for the most single season rushing touchdowns. And as if he needed to give anymore reasons for people to choose him as MVP, he broke Paul Hornung's record for the most points scored in a single season.

But I think the best thing about choosing LT as MVP, besides the fact he is an amazing running back, is that he probably is one of the nicest guys in football. If all athletes acted and behaved like LT, it would be a disappointment for us here at Sports Bastards because it would force us to only talk about what happened in the game. But, well done to a guy who probably has a slice of humble pie every morning for breakfast.

Ron's Hero, Jim Lampley, Does His Own Boxing Match...

As passed on to me by the lovely Jaime Sue, Jim Lampley from HBO Boxing had a boxing match with someone in his home. His wife. Yeah, felony charges of domestic abuse. He joins Mike Tyson, Bill Romanowski and Frostee Rucker in the Hall of Wife Beaters.

Jimmy Boy was picked up in San Diego by the police and left to cool off from his award winning performance against a woman smaller than him. Of course, not only did he get that charge he gets the additional charges as quoted by TMZ. "He faces one felony count of domestic abuse / corporal injury, as well as two misdemeanor counts of violating a restraining order and preventing a witness from testifying."

Wow, Jim. Are you trying for that announcing position for the Cincinnattica Bengals or something? Real big shot performance, you fucking boxing hack. I hope your cell buddy is the recently arrested Mike Tyson...

I damn thee to Alabama!

Well, I may not be able to pick the winner of the World Series, but I know human greed, and Nick Saban is definitely human, and probably anywhere from $35-$40 million dollars richer, thanks to the University of Alabama Crimson Tide.

Like I've said, for $40 million dollars I'd coach football in hell. I guess Coach Nick Saban is the same way. As the lovely and talented Sooze said: Alabama/Hell...Tomato/Tomahto. Enjoy coaching in Tomahto, Nick!

Detroit can't even lose right

Continuing with Detroit's driving dream and goal to forever be the worst franchise in the NFL for all of eternity, they fired their defensive coordinator, Donnie Henderson, after their abysmal 3-13 season. In my opinion, the defense was the least of the massive list of problems for the team who only had to lose to secure the first draft pick for 2007 and even managed to fuck that up.

Detroit continues to prove why they can't even bother to lose right. While I am never one to encourage losing on purpose, I surely think that in Detroit's case they should have considered it.

Adding insult to injury, Lions GM Natt Millen assures everyone that no matter how bad the team does. he has no intentions of ever quitting and he'll be around for time to come now. Despite the fact that he is far more the problem for the Lions franchise than their defensive coordinator was.

And despite the fact the Lions still have already recieved the second pick in the draft, they'll probably manage to even fuck that up because right now the Lions are a team that can't seem to do anything right. They'll probably make an error in selecting their first round draft pick much in the same fashion that the Texans did with Mario Williams.

So this writer's prediction for the Lion's season next year? Without drastic changes we'll see the Lions once again way below a .500 season, with a team record of 4-12 at best.

"Domanick" is the part of the name I would have changed.

Domanick Davis, fresh off of failing to ruin my fantasy season by getting put on injured reserve (I got third place, despite starting the platoon of Tiki Barber and Brandon Jacobs) has decided that a new year deserves a new beginning. So he's cut off his braids and changed his name to Domanick Williams. Unfortunately for Domanick Davis/WIlliams/Max Power, that new name comes with the same gimpy knee.

Playoffs?! You Rantin' About Playoffs?!

Okay, so that was just a wee bit of a low blow for the Mora clan since the Son of Moron... I mean Mora, was given his Pink Slip for New Year's. Hey Jim, here's a hint. Next time your daddy calls the face of the franchise a "Coach Killer", learn how to agree to disagree. Your job might depend on it.

Fact of the matter is, that aside, the Falcons weren't really THAT bad this season. Talentwise, they've got the pieces in place but that little 'something' just didn't click for them. Of course, with the coach agreeing with his unemployed dad about the QB being a Coach Obliterator [yeah, I went Skip Bayless there for a minute] didn't help matters much with team morale. Especially Vick's. Now what folks fail to realize about Michael Vick is this.

- He's the FIRST [as in the ONLY GUY IN NFL HISTORY] to win a playoff game in Lambeau in the modern era.
- A few years earlier, he took the Falcons to within a game of the Super Bowl.

So between then and now, when did he all of a sudden become "incapable of winning on the big stage"? Oh and Moron Sr., when he was doing all of this for your son in his rookie year at the helm, was he a "Coach Killer" then?

Do us all a favor and take your, let me restate that, NONACHEIVING ASS and shut the hell up. When you do something of relevance within the NFL, then you can talk about QBs being a "Coach Killer". I mean, this man had a vastly talented Saints team in the late 80s/early 90s and did diddly poo with them. Franchise didn't win a single playoff game and let's not go into his reign with the Colts when they really were the Dolts as I so aptly call them. But aside from that before I get into the meat of this, I've got two other things I wanna touch on and hell, I'll just tie them together since they're kinda one in the same.

First off, there's Denny Green. Guess ole Denny's kinda useless without three extremely good to great receivers and an offense that can basically blow up the scoreboard and a so so defense. Thanks for coming, try not to hit anything on your way out of 'Zona.

As for Nick Saban, let me try to put this as bluntly as I can. S-T-A-Y P-U-T. I disagree with people who say that his NFL run has been an abject failure, because that's bull. Abject failure would be what Spurrier did in Washington or what Holtz did with the Jets before he returned to college in the late 70s. There is NOTHING about Saban's stay in Miami which would indicate he's failed. Were the hopes a little TOO lofty coming into the year? Yeah. They're not THAT good people. So now that everyone's got egg on their faces for making a prediction that was a bit off to begin with, now they're calling Saban a failure. Saban waited too long to make the QB change that ended up turning the year around and even after that, this team has shown it's not too far away from making a return to the playoffs. But the question becomes, can Saban avoid the temptation of returning to what figures to be a lose-lose really hard and fast situation in Tuscaloosa and stick around to prove people wrong in Miami? Anyway, onto the picks...

Speaking truth to power

There are two arguments against a playoff system that the average sports fan can believe. One of them is money; the other one is this. For the linkaphobic, that’s Boise State 43, Oklahoma 42.

Suffice it to say, this game was special from the opening kickoff. Boise State ripped off 14 points in 30 seconds, fought off an 18-point 4th quarter effort from the Sooners, shook off a potentially game-losing interception with a miracle touchdown off a lateral from Drisan James to Jerald Rabb, then smacked the vaunted Oklahoma Sooners square in the mouth with a two-point conversion in overtime to pull off a Balboa-style upset of Bob Stoops and Norman.

Just how good was this game? I got chills from just reading the Deadspin entry where commenters gathered to talk about the game. I got CHILLS from OTHER PEOPLE talking about a game that I had already watched. I can say, without a doubt, this is the best college football game I’ve ever seen, and I’m including the 2003 Miami/Ohio State Tostitos Fiesta Bowl tilt from 2001, the 2006 USC/Texas Rose Bowl, and this year’s incredible Chick-fil-A Bowl between Georgia and Virginia Tech.

A hook and ladder play, a Statue of Liberty play, and a halfback option from the backup QB, all in the same game. Two last-second touchdowns. A two-point conversion in overtime. An after-game marriage proposal from the game-winning (and pro-knitting) wideout Ian Johnson and head cheerleader/girlfriend Chrissy Popadics that was basically ruined by Chris Myers. This game had it all.

It doesn’t matter who wins the national championship, because this is the game of the year. I don’t see anything out there that can possibly top this.

"The Million Dollar Man," Nick Saban

Nick Saban has $15 million dollars left on his deal with the Miami Dolphins, so it only makes sense that Alabama, in their desire to land a big-name, successful college coach who knows the SEC and can recruit and win in the SEC, offers Nick Saban $40 million dollars.

I understand in a world of mercenary coaches that more money is usually the answer, but if Saban and Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga are as close as they seem to be, what makes anyone thing that Saban is interested in the rebuilding process when, in the NFL, he can just buy success? Well, I guess you could buy success at Alabama (again), like they do at USC and Ohio State, but it's easier to do in the pros, and you generally have more money to spend.

$40 million dollars is a lot of money. I don't see how that kind of money doesn't talk, but maybe Nick is going to get a nice phat raise in the off-season once "Smokey Smoke" Ricky Williams comes back from Canada and passes a piss test. Or maybe he finds the backfield of a healthy Daunte "Fumbles" Culpepper, a sober Ricky Williams, and Ronnie Brown a potent combination (a-la the Saints of Brees, McAllister, and Bush).

All I know is that for $40 million dollars, I'd coach football in Hell.


Okay, you're probably all hung over. I know most of you started your drinking at lunch yesterday and kept right on rolling until the ball dropped. I don't blame you, it's what New Year's Eve is for. Now you've woken up in bed next to a fat chick with a lazy eye, you've got blood all over you, and your mouth tastes like an ashtray full of shit. We've all been there.

So, to make your day better, here's a clip of Bryant Bumble Gumble burping up Fuzzy Navel through his nose on the NFL Network's Redskins/Giants game. Enjoy!

Remember, you can wash off stink, but you can't wash off shame.

Darrent Williams (September 27, 1982 – January 1, 2007)

According to ESPN, Broncos CB Darrent Williams has been prounced dead as of 3 am MST. He was killed in a drive-by shooting outside of a Denver nightclub. Right now, only Williams and another of his entourage have been declared as such. His other guests are still in the care of the hospital.

No motive has been established yet. The police are trying to talk to any of the club goers, but are expecting no real leads immediately. Darrent was at the club after the 26-23 loss to the 49ers earlier Sunday. It's said that his white limo was assailed by another vehicle that opened fire indiscriminately at the limo.

Williams was 24 years old. A senseless death to start the new year...

EDIT from Ron: Check out Javon Walker the morning after the shooting and presumably spending all night in the police station. The expression on his face and the bloodstains on his shirt tell more about that man's New Year's than any police report.