Dear Dallas Cowboys,

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure where to begin here. You all really sucked the place fantastic today, so there’s plenty of blame to go around. I think I’ll start at the bottom of the list of people that need some constructive criticism and work my way to the top. Or maybe I’ll just go wherever I feel the urge to go, and just start shredding ass everywhere. Either way, it should be a lot of fun for a Cowboys-hater like myself.

Martin Gramatica—The good thing about losing the game is that you don’t have to worry about hurting yourself as you celebrate what should be a routine 19-yard game-winning field goal. The bad thing about losing the game is that I didn’t get to laugh at you for hurting yourself while celebrating routine 19-yard field goal. But hey, whenever they gave you a ball to kick, you kicked it and kicked it well. I’d say you could hold your head up high, but you’re still a fucking Gramatica.

Terrell Owens—"The only person allowed to choke and drop balls in the clutch is TO, damn it!" I don’t think I saw you drop any passes today, but then again, it’s hard to drop a ball that bounces three feet in front of you or sails over your head. Have a second helping of pills tonight, buddy; you've earned it.

It just gets better from here...

Terry Glenn—I won’t be too hard on you, honey. I know it’s hard out there for a girl in a man’s world, and trying to play a contact sport while getting your monthly visitor makes it even harder. The cramps, the bloating, the inability to hold onto the ball… I think somebody needs a heating pad, dark chocolate, some Midol, and a big ol’ Parcells-shaped Teddy Bear to cuddle up with.

Roy Williams—I’m not quite sure when it happened, but somewhere or sometime within the last year, you’ve gone from one of the best safeties in the league to a guy who can’t cover his mouth when he coughs, a guy who can’t make a tackle on a paraplegic, and a guy who talks the talk, but can’t walk period. Not only did you whiff spectacularly on what should’ve been an easy wrap-up tackle on Shaun Alexander, you also gave up two touchdowns to Intergalactic Biggest Douche in the Universe winner Jerramy “No Balls” Stevens.

You’re the safety, your job is to jump on the pile and cover the fucking tight end. You did neither. Good job, ass clown. You’re officially the second-best Roy Williams in the NFL. I guess the only thing you were good at is breaking T.O.’s leg with horse-collar tackles, and you couldn’t even do that well enough to cripple him like we all wanted.

Tony Romo—Finally, we get around to the person I’ve been just aching to tear into like Drew Bledsoe aches to tear into a delicious burger. That’s right, Tony. Nobody takes the blame for this loss more than you, because you single-handedly lost the game for your team.

You’ve been in the NFL for 4 years now, Tony, all of them as a backup quarterback. You started and spent the first quarter of the season as a backup quarterback. You hold the clipboard for the starter, you hold your dick in your hand, and you hold for extra points! ALL YOU DO AS THE BACKUP QUARTERBACK IS HOLD. That’s the ONLY thing you’ve done in practice for the last 4 fucking years! How do you blow fielding the extra-point snap when you’re a career backup quarterback!?

What the fuck is wrong with you? Did T.O. accidentally drop some pills into your Gatorade? Did you have too much Carrie Underwood pussy grease on your hands tonight? Did you shake hands with Thurman Thomas before the game and catch Fumbleitis?

Listen, Tony, I know you’ve never actually played professional football until this season, and I know this is your first playoff game, and it kind of makes me want to cut you some slack. Then I remember you somehow made the Pro Bowl playing only 11 games (and only 6 of those games were good). It might just be me, but when I hear the phrase ‘Pro Bowl quarterback’ I don’t think ‘sucks out loud when the pressure is on.’

Linda Lovelace never choked like this. Not even Peyton Manning would’ve choked this badly, and that’s saying something. Somewhere Marty Schottenheimer feels clutch, and he couldn’t win a Super Bowl with Joe Montana taking snaps under center.

I will give credit where credit is due: the Cowboys at least played like a team. Unfortunately for Jerry Jones, the Cowboys decided to play like the Oakland Raiders, and not, say, a good football team. The Giants can now breathe easily, as even if they lose tomorrow, they can’t lose as spectacularly as the ‘Boys from Dallas did today.

Enjoy that trip to the Pro Bowl Game in Hawaii, Tony Romo. I get the feeling it’ll be the last trip to Hawaii you’ll take on the NFL’s dime, unless they need to feed someone to a volcano. Even then, you’d probably miss the lava.

Love,


Ron