Skip to main content.


This is the archive for January 2007

The Barbaro Conspiracy Files: Barburial

So, even before my investigation into the conspiracy behind Barbaro’s death is finished, authorities from Churchill Downs are already scrambling to cover up the plot and get that body in the ground where I can’t get to it: the grounds of the Kentucky Derby Museum. Derby winners/possible other victims Sunny's Halo (1983), Carry Back (1961), Swaps (1955) and Brokers Tip (1933) are already buried somewhere on the grounds. Whoever the fuck they are.

There’s even talk of Barbaro receiving horse racing’s biggest posthumous honor: full body burial, just like that little known and lightly regarded flash in the horse pan Secretariat. Oh wait, the little known and lightly regarded one race wonder in this question is Barbaro, whose only contribution to the racing industry was to break his skinny little leg on national television, suffer for 256 days, and then die after they got tired of milking him for his sticky white profit margin and wanted to cash in on their insurance. Why else would there be such a clamor for a quick burial without a proper autopsy?

Considering the fact that Churchill Downs is currently fighting to diversify its interests beyond horse racing into casino gaming (or at least a slots parlor at the Sports Spectrum off track betting facility), adding another attraction to the Kentucky Derby Museum is a good idea, provided they don’t go to great expense to build a shrine to Barbaro or something equally retarded. Better to stick up a statue or a plaque, pump out some Barbaro-based merchandise, and start greasing palms in the state government to finally give you that gaming license needed to break into the non-animal-based gambling game.

Slot machines are much more reliable draw than a year’s worth of media frenzy and a bunch of 40-something cat ladies. With Barbaro’s corpse, cheap tourist crap, and slots, Churchill Downs is sure to clean up amongst Midwestern housewives. I can smell the money, cigarette smoke, and yeast infection cream already.

The Barbaro Conspiracy Files: Barbaromosexual?

Folks the flags are flying at half mast today, because the 2006 Deadspin Sports Human of the Year, Barbaro, has (finally) been euthanized. Yeah, sad, I know, but in a way it’s not sad, and I’m not just saying that because I’m sick and fucking tired of Barbaro jokes.

Really, there’s one reason that horse was kept alive this long, and that’s because he was possibly a valuable producer of semen (which if they were smart they would’ve started milking him the day he came out of surgery and started showing a little interest in the poon-tang). He wasn’t even guaranteed to be a good stud, but they let him suffer for over 250 days while they tried every thing they could think of to keep him on at least two of his four legs with a moderate chance of survival.

So, would Barbaro have been a valuable stud? Probably not. I think he was actually gay. That’s right, he was a fruit. How can I so accurately call Barbie out as an ass-mounter? Simple.

Barbaro had the perfect life waiting for him. Nothing to do but eat, romp, and get paid millions of dollars to fuck the hottest horses around. Basically he was going to be a less-hairy, smaller-cocked version of Ron Jeremy. And what does he do? Gives up.

I’m sorry, but if you promise me millions of dollars, the best food money can buy, and a never-ending supply of fresh pussy, I don’t care if you cut off all my limbs and take a lung, I’m going to survive. If I have to use my jaw to crawl through a field of broken glass and used heroin needles, I’m going to do it. Then again, I’m not a matinee idol to hundreds of lonely cat ladies in Middle America. Maybe Big Boss Horse offed himself for a reason.

Or maybe Barbaro wasn’t gay at all, but he was set up. Maybe… just maybe, Barbaro was murdered. But who could possibly have something against Barbaro? I have some ideas, but it’s going to take some top-notch detective work.