LaDainian Tomlinson must be having his monthlies.
Now, the Critic says that the loss wasn’t Marty’s fault. After all, he hasn’t played professional football in over 36 years, so he wasn’t the one out there making stupid penalties, being a dumbass, and strangling under pressure. Unfortunately for the Critic, I disagree, because the Chargers’ problems stem from problems with, you guessed it, coaching. And for once, by ‘coaching’ I don’t mean Marty Ball.
Click the cut as I break this down, Telestrator-style, and spread the hate where it belongs.
The most damning evidence of a failure to coach ‘em up is the fact that, yes, as the Critic said, the San Diego Chargers played tighter than a white guy’s ass cheeks his first time in the prison shower. The Chargers were tight and nervous, and that stems from Marty being tight and nervous, because even if his players are idiots, Marty knows his own personal playoff history. Really, the man lost with Joe Montana at quarterback; that should tell you everything you need to know.
Your next piece of evidence, as I get “The People’s Court” on this bitch, is the dumbassed penalties. Six of them for 64 yards that is, including a completely unnecessary 15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct on Drayton Florence that gave the Patriots a game-changing free first down (after the defense had stopped them on third, no less!) Throw in four turnovers (three on fumbles, and one Phillip Rivers interception) and one missed field-goal, and it’s no real surprise that Tom Brady can play his worst playoff game ever and still run his record up to 12-1. The game was basically gift-wrapped by Tom Terrific, and Marty’s Bolts slapped a big ol’ Return-To-Sender stamp on that bad boy.
Of course, the real fun for me took place after the game. As the New England Patriots celebrated their thrilling come-from-behind win against the number 1 seeded San Diego Chargers, the team no one was supposed to be able to stop, they really enjoyed themselves. They took their helmets off, ran onto the field, made fun of Shawne Merriman’s gay-ass sack dance, and generally acted like they, uh… upset a team that was supposed to kill them.
Of course, the team that choked away their victory didn’t take it kindly, and little LaDainian Tomlinson was particularly whiny and petulant in defeat. He was so upset and his widdle feewings were so hurt that he didn’t even shake hands in the post-game lineup.
"I would never react in that way. I was very upset," Tomlinson said. "When you go to the middle of our field and start doing the dance Shawne Merriman is known for, that is disrespectful. They showed no class and maybe that comes from the head coach."
LaDainian, you can’t talk about class and lack thereof, because you just showed your own LACK OF CLASS. Pot, Kettle, do you two know one another? Oh, you do? Good, that’ll make this easier.
That’s it, LaDainian. You just lost all right you ever had to the LT nickname, because you’re a fucking pussy. You lost, okay? You got beaten by a better team, and they celebrated their victory while you had to go wipe your tears away and change your tampon. If it pisses you off so much that you can’t even do the honorable thing and shake fucking hands after the game, then obviously you’re not cut out for football and should probably play youth-league soccer or join the WNBA.
If losing bothers you, then you should cease losing playoff football games. The solution is that simple. If the Patriots celebrating their win annoys you, then win the game. Or, you know, stop making the playoffs as the most hyped #1 seed since before Troy Aikman had his brains turned to pudding.
LaDainian’s favorite running back is Jim Brown, the greatest running back of all time. LaDainian is nothing like Jim Brown. Jim Brown had balls, didn’t run out of bounds, made some kick-ass blaxploitation movies, and played the game of football like a man and didn’t whine like a menstruating woman when he lost.
What happens on the football field stays on the football field. Your opponents will say and do anything and everything in their power to make you play like the idiot that apparently you are. I guarantee you that the Patriots don’t like Shawne Merriman’s steroids-based celebration spasm, but they don’t act like spurned middle-school girls in the post-game handshake.
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