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He really puts out fires with his hose.

Enough of this thankfulness crap; it's time to be bitter and sarcastic once again. So, to facilitate that, let's talk about Dontrelle Willis, Florida Marlins beer pitcher and urinary reliever. That’s right, kids, it’s a Christmas miracle! A DUI story that doesn’t involve a Bengal!

You might be buying your drinks when you go out to Mansion in luxurious South Beach, but you don’t retain ownership of your beverage permanently. As Dontrelle Willis found out, Newton’s Third Law: Law of Reciprocal Actions says “All forces occur in pairs, and these two forces are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.”

In other words, “If you drink it, you will pee.” Combine this law with the fact that alcohol is a dehydrating force, and if you’re pounding Jager bombs all night, you’ll have to piss like a race horse, and bathrooms aren’t always convenient. However, the side of the road is always there.

I’ve pissed on the roadside before. I used to have a three hour drive in the middle of nowhere between my college dorm and my home, so I did this at least twice a month or whenever I needed to do laundry. Everyone, rich or poor, has whipped their junk out on the side of the lane and taken a whiz, because we’re all human. You just have to look out for cops before you roll out of your Bentley to see that man about a horse, and it helps if you’re not blind drunk at the time you tinkle.

No more D-Train. Now you’re Dontrelle “Tinkles” Willis. Congratulations!
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Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?!!

Posted by Rich at 12/22/06 13:10:39

Poor Dontrelle--from D-Train to D-UI. That's what happens when you follow the yellow brick road, I guess. ;)

Posted by Jade at 12/23/06 00:26:30

Ol' Dontrelle, he's pissing his career away... Get it, pissing it away... Fuckin' critics.

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