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This is the archive for January 2007

Much ado about nothing: Sean Salisbury's penis

"I didn't say Jew, now get off my back you damn jungle-bunnies!" - Sean Salisbury

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Sean Salisbury just can't whip out his cell phone without getting himself embroiled in some sort of controversy. Either he's showing the ladies that Dick in a Box he's going to give them for Valentines Day or he's mush-mouthing his way to an anti-Jew slur and surprisingly vitriolic apology. Fortunately, Deadspin is all over Sean Salisbury's penis. Err, the story about Salisbury's penis.

The Salispenis makes me wonder just what the fuck Harold Reynolds REALLY did to get fired. If you can show your dick to the women at work and not get into trouble for it, then Harold Reynolds must’ve did something spectacularly bad to get himself in trouble at the Worldwide Leader in Lecherous Behavior. So, needing a female perspective on the issue of Li’l Sean’s wang-dang-doodle, I turn to the official SportsBastards adviser on all things gynocratic: Jade.

Jade: Y'know what's really funny? If it were a woman showing pics of herself, they'd be all over the net, but apparently there's not a man (or woman) alive who wants to see Salisbury's penis.

That lead to some other horrible ideas, which in turn lead to more horrible mental images, which in turn leads to this post, so I don’t suffer alone. So click below, if you dare, and subject yourself to the terror that is “10 Things More Horrifying than Sean Salisbury’s Penis Pictures.”
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January 12, 2007, is a day that will live in infamy. That's right, kids, as you can tell by the screaming title, Stephen A. Smith's Nobel Prize-nominated show "Quite Frankly, with Stephen A. Smith," is joining ESPN Mobile on the scrap heap. Sad news, I know.

However, all is not lost. Stephen A. still has his sportswriter job, and for the low-low price of a bag of delicious cheese doodles, we might've found ourself a new commentator here at the Internet home for the Earl Boykins Dog Rodeo, CHEESE DOODLES, BITCH!

Welcome home, Screamin' A. Welcome home. We missed you.

It's Moral Whore Time!

That's right, children. The hangover last night has probably soured in ESPN's former athlete whore, Jemelelelelelele. Seems she goes from semi-cheapening athlete deaths to pissing on the programs of Ohio State and Florida. To establish I'm going with a 10 point system. Ready. Go!

1. Let's review the "right" way that Meyer and Jim Tressel have done things, shall we?

Tressel's quarterback at Youngstown State received $10,000 and other illegal benefits from a booster.

Rich - Right... Hey, Jemelelelelele. Ron covered that long ago. It's been in our joke lexicon since day one. And let's not get to the Critic, KSK, and Deadspin. Big Daddy Drew over at KSK probably has a million more jokes on his hard drive. Old news, Oprah, Jr.

2. At Ohio State, Maurice Clarett said the program provided players with cars and bogus jobs, which were supposedly fronts to supply easy cash to players.

Rich - You believe Maurice Clarett? Bitch, please. Maurice hasn't said anything correctly unless he's under oath... On trial!

3. Those allegations weren't proven, but Tressel's current star, Troy Smith, was later busted for accepting $500 from a booster.

Rich - Glad you actually read Pat Forde's columns. You should read more from us Southern boys.

The next seven, it's cut time...
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