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TITS and You: Step up to the Learnin' Tree

People have been asking Ron and I for weeks this same question. "What the fuck is TITS?" I know we've said it before in the last New Rules, but TITS has taken a life of its own. So now it's time to pull out the TITS Guide for Winter 2007. This will explain to all of you the fine courses that they teach for new thugs-in-training that'll be coming into the NFL and NBA.

The Travelling Institute of Thugganomic Studies, aka TITS, used to be located in New York City, but after the dean moved to LA, the school moved too. However, the dean also saw that everyone needed his expert knowledge in druggin', thuggin, and beatin' a ho down like a G. So, he did something revolutionary. He set up multiple expansion colleges with multiple deans, but each takes a different role. While he's the main dean, the other deans pick up his slack, sometimes too much...

First, we should establish the faculty. So you know who's gonna beat yo' ass when you fuck up in any course. Trust me, folks, with this esteemed front office, you don't want to fuck up... EVER.

Dean Darryl Strawberry - The Facilitator, the Dean of Deans. Professor Emeritus of Wife Swapping. - Los Angeles College of Thuggin' and Druggin'.

Dean William "The O.G. Romo" Romanowski - Dean of Chemistry. Professor Emeritus of Mexican Pharmacies and You. - Denver School of Chemical Studies

Dean Dwight "Doc" Gooden - Dean of Drug Studies. - New York College of General Drug Studies

Dean "No Pants Lions Coach" Joe Cullen - Dean of Student Affairs - Detroit School of Indecent Exposure

Interim Dean, Admiral Fred Smoot - Dean of Aquatic Studies - TITS Center for Aquatic Sexcellence, Minnesota

Now let's look at the class schedule for this winter for your soon to be famous little thug... Introduction

As you notice, the TITS: Cincy University of Networking and Team-building Success has no dean, and neither does the Miami Campus of Thugganomic Studies and Gun Safety. We believe on these campuses, it's a team effort, because they party together, as it should be. Er, I meant study together... Right. Moving on.

So far, our core classes at various universities are still established. And TITS will provide all travel means, so don't worry, parents. Worry that your little punk ass kid doesn't get shot by one of the professors.

Required Core Classes

Miami Campus Rotary Schedule - "Thugganomics 1010." Miami/Dade County Jail

Cincinnati Campus Rotary Schedule - "Thugganomics 2010." Cincinnati/Hamilton County Jail

Oakland Campus Rotary Schedule - "Thugganomics Graduate."Oakland/Alameda County Jail

Established Courses

Professor Ronald Artest - “Shameless Self Promotion” and “Rapping on the Side” - Sacramento

Professor Emeritus Stephen Jackson - “Actin’ a Fool” and “Inventive Ways to Get Banned from a Strip Club” - Indianapolis

Dean William Romanowski’s - “Better Living Through Chemicals” - Denver

Professor David Wells (Post-Graduate) - “The Pros and Pros of Coming to Work Drunk” - San Diego

Acting Professor Allen Iverson* - “Fashion: Can You Ever Wear Too Much Jewelry?” - Pending*

Dr. Barry Bonds - “Ass-Beatings for Wives, Mistresses, Girlfriends, and General Hoes.”

Note: Professor Jeremy Shockey has been pulled from the "Pros and Pros" Class due to his recent degrees awarded in three new courses. He'll be teaching new courses introduced in this syllabus.

* - Ass. Professor Iverson might be moving his courses to a new location, for now we're counting on Philadelphia. If he does move, Ass. Professor Donte Stallworth will teach this class and Ass. Professor Iverson will teach a new class in his new location.

New Courses for 2007

Professor Jeremy Shockey - "Disrespecting the Team," "White Trash/Black Trash: A Study in Contrasts" and "You DO Know More Than the Coach (Post Graduate Studies, TE Course with Kellen Winslow II required.)" - New York/New Jersey

Dr. Gilbert Arenas - "Advanced Culinary Arts: 1001 Hamburger Nights" and "Weird Phrases" - Washington D.C.

Associate Professor Clinton Portis - "Press Conferences: A Character Study" and "The Art and Science of Public Speaking" with Profs. Sherriff Gonna Getcha, Southeast Jerome, Coach Janky Spanky, Dr. I Don't Know, and insert character here. Washington D.C.

Dr. Terrell Owens - "Drug Overdoses, Public Relations, and You." (3 month research study). - Dallas

Dr. Mark Cuban - "Blogging 101" and "Becoming a Self Made Billionare Asshole" - Dallas

Dr. Michael Vick/Ron Mexico - "STD Studies", "False Identities: Why Should You Use Them?", and "The Middle Finger: Breaking the Fourth Wall." - Atlanta

Professor Michael Strahan - "Cursing out Not-So Hot ESPN Ho's on National TV" - New York

Assistant Professor Kyle Orton - "How to Totally Grow a Neckbeard and Show Up to Work Drunk in Style. (Pre-requisite for Professor Wells' studies)" - Chicago

Minnesota Vikings - "Boating Enthusiasm 101" with guest lecturer Eric Steinbach. Minneapolis/St. Paul

Rotating Classes

"The Second Generation: Famous Fathers and Mediocre Sons" with Profs. Kellen Winslow II, Lucas Walton, and Patrick Dunleavy.

"Worthless Little Brothers" with Assistant Profs. Eli Manning and Marcus Vick, with guest lecturer Matthew Simms.

TITS: Women's Studies Center

The girls shouldn't feel left out. TITS has now established a women's college with a new Dean. Who better than this person?

Dean Karrine "SuperHead" Stephens - Dean of Chickenhead Studies - Various Locations


Dr. Ruby Y. Young, Ret. - "Old School Extortion.", "Getting Back at That Pro Who Didn't Keep You As A Mistress.", and "General Batshit Craziness." Birmingham

Dr. Virginia "Yoko Ono" Barber - "Forcing Your Hubby Into Retirement and Sending His Team into the Bottom of the League" - New York/New Jersey

Professor Jemele Hill - "How to Turn a Ho into a Journalist: From Ridin' Dirty with Willis to the Worldwide." - Orlando

Dr. Anna Benson - "Keys to Getting Your Hubby Ran Out of NYC With Your Voice", "How to Suck at Hold 'Em", "How to Suck Anything...", "How to Fuck up a Website Built for You." Baltimore, Atlanta, New York

Professor Jackie Christie - "Cuckolding and You: Beat Your Star Hubby Down." and "Composing a Hate List Without Help." - Seattle

Dr. Tawny Kitean - Professor Emeritus of "Kicking The Ass of a Man Twice Your Size" - Anaheim

Dr. Brenda Warner, PhD. - "How to Snatch a Much Younger Man in Three Easy Steps." and "Advanced Nagging: Team Edition." - Phoenix

Professor Emeritus Shawn Kemp - "Cocksmanship 101: 13 Kids and One Daddy." and "Exercise: Completely Optional." - Seattle

Graduate Assistant to Dr. Barber, Brynn Cameron - "How to Get Lucky With an NFL First Rounder" - Pasadena

Graduate Assistant to Prof. Kemp, Matt Leinart - "How to Get Lucky With Anyone You Want, From Paris Hilton to a Hot-Ass Basketball Player." - Phoenix


As you see, the Traveling Institute of Thugganomic Studies offers courses for everyone in your family from little Jimmy to little Suzie. We promise to show your little thuggin' student the proper ways to get into the news. We'll also teach them which lawyers to call, which media to call, and which reporter needs to be hit.

All of this and more at our institutions all around the United States. We'll soon expand to the UK, however, so Europe should not despair. What's the price, you ask? It's real easy.

TITS can be found as a supplemental course at the "real" colleges you send your little shits to. The price, that's also easily a simple debate. Either pay 1000 dollars, or at least get the Deans what they want. Dean Strawberry wants at least an eight ball. Bringing an "apple" for the teacher is useful for the men's schools, but you better bring the right "apple."

Women's schools do not require such bribery, as most of you can't afford those gold digging sluts.

So, remember, for your thugganomic studies. Choose TITS. Thank you and good night.
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