I just got a real bad beat in poker and I was twenty spots away from getting money in a freeroll. I’m fucking pissed, and legitimately so. To calm my nerves I turn on the television to Around the Horn on my DVR…And guess the first name that comes out of Reali’s mouth…

Terrell Owens…

Could it be? OMG NO! NO! HIDE THE COWBOY FANS! CODE BLACK! CODE BLACK! CODE BLACK! GET THE COPS OUT! WE’RE ABOUT TO HAVE A 187 ON 81!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

It’s the long awaited post that you have been waiting on from me.

THE SEQUEL!

Dear Terrell Owens

Hi, remember me? I’m that guy who you never want to meet in a logical argument contest about your life because I would own you so bad that not even the biggest pacifier Jerry Jones has in his office would be able to cure your wounds. So I’m watching the tele today, Bill Parcells has retired from coaching…And what do you say?

It was good

We need a change

I felt that I was underutilized in the offense.

Dumbass, you can’t even spell underutilized, or indicative, and yet you use them in a sentence as if your opinion means a shit.
Bill Parcells should not have to retire from coaching before you leave that team. He had to put up with you for a whole damn year. Hell, I think he should be getting a special induction into the hall of fame as the best coach ever for sticking around with you for ONE year. If it were me, I would have smacked you stupid the minute that you said that there was no suicide attempt. Oh, believe me I’m getting to that one in a second. You brought this unwanted media attention on him, and he is the king of the press conference…HE DID NOT DROP A FUNNY ALL YEAR TO MY RECOLLECTION! I WANT MY JAP PLAY COMMENTS BACK GODDAMMIT! I WANT YOU TO GET CALLED A SHE LIKE GLENN DID!

Oh wait, I’m hearing more about it now that I’m watching PTI.

His coaching style hurt the team.

No, you want to know what hurt the team you overrated douche? You.

Oh yeah, I get it, because you were underutilized in the offense right?

Yeah, you wanna know how many touchdown balls you caught this year Terrell?

THIRTEEN!

You wanna know what the league leader got?

THIRTEEN!

What can we draw from this?

YOU LED THE LEAGUE FOR WIDE RECEIVERS IN TOUCHDOWNS!

And yet…You still claim to be underutilized.

Well shit, I guess just because it came out of Terrell’s mouth then we all should believe it right? I mean…No, no, it’s too crazy. I could never have a thought like this. I…No, this is too cynical…Oh wait, I’m not getting paid to write this so I can go ahead and say it…

YOU DON’T THINK DROPPING GOD KNOWS HOW MANY MOTHERFUCKING BALLS HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT!?

You don’t think the pressure of having to put in the wonder whore, Tony Romo, who was getting blown by Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood, had something to do with it? Parcells wasn’t out on the goddamn field when Romo ran like a white kid when the cop dogs come after him…HE GOT TACKLED FROM BEHIND! HE WASN’T OUT THERE WHEN YOU WERE DROPPING THE BALL ALL THE TIME!

Oh but wait… His coaching style hurt the team.

Yeeeah, sure it did Terrell, and Jennifer Aniston is gonna come walking through my fucking front door and say that she wants to fuck my brains out every day of the week for about a year.

NAH UH! (Although that would be nice)

I don’t want to hear anything coming out of your mouth when just about every time I turned on the tele, you were dropping balls. The only reason they switched over to that unproven moron called Romo is because you probably went into Jerry Jones’s office and told him to put the fucker in or you were going to walk.

Now, in regards to you trying to knock yourself off… lemme say this… No.

I got a better idea… How about we do the following

Get a stapler

Somehow compact your big-ass mouth, hmm wonder why that is-

Dick Vitale: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP!

As I’s sayin, somehow compact your big-ass mouth to the point where if we staple your lips shut, you won’t contribute to global fucking warming like you have been doing ever since I can remember.

Then we need to get your arms behind your back, tie your legs up to the chair and drop you off at the front door of the brand spanking new mansion that all of the following people live in: Bill Parcells, Andy Reid, Jeff Garcia, Drew Bledsoe, Donovan McNabb, and anybody else you’ve pissed off since your existence started. Hell, get the doctor that helped bring you into this world, send him to my house so I can kick him down a flight of stairs. Then I’m going to go up to the top of Empire State building, take you with me, and then kick you down the stairs until we reach the bottom. It’ll be almost like riding a bike…You know all about that right Terrell? That was what you were doing throughout training camp, right Terrell?

Your mouth has been on steroids ever since San Francisco.

And your balls are shrinking by the day. Soon they are going to have to call an archaeologist to find them, and that might cost you a mil out the ass since you’ll be whining like a bitch about it.

23,965,000 reasons left to live Terrell. Time’s a running out.

Take me out, Sam.

Samuel L Jackson: I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING RETARDS OPENING THEIR MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH!

Ashy Larry: I’M DONE BIATCH!

[HONK, HONK]

With everlasting love
Chris