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This is the archive for December 2006

I know we love our Bengals...

...I met to put this up sooner, but I've been busy with moving and getting settled into my new home and all that good stuff. But with the Bengals losing today to the Steelers, and being all but eliminated officially from playoff contention, here is an original song by Ryan Parker talking about the Steelers and Bengals rivalry. Again, I know it's late, but deal with it, OK?

Fight of the Year 2006

ESPN's boxing expert, the respected Dan Rafael, calls the March 18th fight between Somsak Sithchatchawal and Mahyar Monshipour his fight of the year for 2006. It was never shown in America, much to my chagrin, but through the power of YouTube, you can watch the whole thing right below, in four parts. Believe me, I've seen pretty much all the fights he lists for his top fights of 2006, and Sithchatchawal versus Monshipour is better than you could possibly believe.

Part 1

The first hit is free... the rest are below the cut.

Tiger Woods: You ARE the Father!

Congratulations to Tiger Woods for accomplishing the biggest goal in every black man's life (okay, every one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African, one-eighth Native American, and one-eighth Dutch man): knocking up a blonde-haired white woman! If there's anybody I can look at in professional sports and say that he's going to be a good dad, or at least a father who works his children to death, it's you. Then again, your children will be half-Cablinasian and half-Viking, so you probably ought not push the kids too hard at whatever it is they want to achieve, lest they impale you on their horned helmets with Zen-like patience.

Seriously, congratulations Tiger. I've always enjoyed the close public relationship Tiger had with his father, and you could tell that the two of them loved one another very much and that Earl didn't need his son to be a big-time golfer to be insanely proud of the boy. I'm sure if Tiger's half the man his father was, then those are going to be a lucky kid with a great father.

May your first child be a masculine child!

Mista Foschi, I 'ave an offer you cannot refuse, sir...

Talk about creepy shit in life... You live with it when you're the GM of the U.S. Citta di Palermo. Of course, for those of you who don't know where Palermo is. Think Sicily. Come to think of it, go with La Cosa Nostra. If you need hints, fucking watch The Godfather! If you want, I'll lend a copy. One at a time, though.

Palermo GM Rino Foschi got a hell of a Christmas gift on his doorstep while in Cesena on the Italian Mainland. The present which his wife and kid opened, of course, ended up being a young goat's head covered in massive amounts of blood. The GM believed that the head was sent as a "joke" considering that it came from Palermo. Right...

Nice way to pull off a joke, isn't it?

Might as well end it in our own Sports Bastards way...

WANHHHHH (An Open Letter to Adam Morrison)

Ok, I feel like I’ve been shanked in both sides of my mouth. Yeah, I woke up at 5 in the morning in agonizing pain from my wisdom teeth removal on Friday. So guess what I’ve decided to bust out? An open letter, this is one I’ve been looking forward to for a very, very long time.

Dear Adam Morrison

First off let me just preface this by saying that you might want to get your pacifier, bib, and get in your Earl Boykins booster chair because this one will probably require some rehabilitation you mullet wearing trailer park moron. (I’m trying to do this one without swearing). Ok fuck that, you mullet wearing trailer park fucking douchebag!

There, now let’s get rolling.

For starters, I would like to address the commercial that you did for ESPN prior to the 2006 NBA draft. It showed you on a basketball court, talking about some other shit that I really don’t remember, but the one thing that I do remember is the following…”Yeah I cried, so what?” You also went on to say that you would do it again. You want to know what the so what is?


I remember watching it vividly as I had picked UCLA to win the National Championship. I’s sitting in the living room comp on the desktop and watching the game on the black and white (Yeah, we still have one of those) that was atop the dresser next to the fruit bowl. UCLA was coming back, and once they did, I was jumping for fucking joy at the thought of them possibly getting closer to fulfilling my late 8 AM change right before the deadline for tournament pick em. Once they took the lead…You started crying.


The streak is broken!

It only took them 22 years, but the University of Kentucky Football Wildcats have finally won a bowl game, and thanks to ESPN's gaytarded scheduling, most UK fans who couldn't make the drive to Nashville missed it.

Like I said yesterday, I didn't believe in the Wildcats. When at work yesterday, I talked about the game with some die-hard co-workers and scared them with statistics. Clemson could run like crazy and the Cats couldn't gang-tackle a Christmas ham. Clemson could play well against UK's passing strength. Clemson has Tommy Bowden on their sidelines, and we have Rich Brooks.

Nevermind the fact that UK went 7-4, including 4-4 in the nation's toughest football conference, with a win over Georgia and a near-win against the Tennesemen Vols. Nevermind the fact that Clemson was down a starting cornerback who loves the reefer. Nevermind that Clemson QB Will Proctor is turnover-prone, and UK quarterback Andre Woodson has emerged as one of the nation's best quarterbacks and has a bowel-shredding 28 touchdowns against 7 interceptions.

Apparently Rich Brooks reads SportsBastards, made my screed into bulletin-board material, and then had his team go out and tear me a new asshole by blistering Clemson through the air, stuffing them on the ground, and crusing to an easy 28-20 victory (giving up 14 points in the last quarter after going to a bullshit prevent defense and holding Clemson to a single TD until then). Hey, I don't care if I'm wrong so long as the Wildcats win. If Tubby Smith can take a cue from Rich and do this same thing in basketball, then I'll stop leading the call for Tubby to be fired.

I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong. The horrible beating I took in the World Series has humbled me.

North Carolina Bar Association Pulls a Power Play on Mike Nifong

So, the North Carolina State Bar is deciding to lay a smackdown on Mike Nifong. No big surprise considering that every legal expert is calling him an idiot. Let's face it, thanks to Nifong, it almost turned into the ugly race trial the likes of when Orenthal James was acquitted of killing his white woman.

Considering that most bums wouldn't even consider hiring Mikey now after the past few debacles he had, how much worse could it get? A lot worse. As in, "losing the right to practice law forever," worse. In fact, NC picked up a certain book of thought that's now got Mike by the ballsack. Yes, even those scum-sucking lawyers have ethics, and it seems Mike's broken a few too many for them to take anymore.

Yeesh, it's bad when you give lawyers an even worse name. And trust me, they went Constitutional for the first whammy. Which one is that? Read below the cut.

If a bowl game is played in the woods and nobody watches, does it still give out gift bags?

Yesterday, Alabama and Oklahoma State played a hell of a football game, and most of the country missed it. Thank you, Independence Bowl, for having a kickoff time while most of the East Coast is still at work, and an ending time before most of the West Coast gets home from work. Apparently it was a hell of a game, too; shame I missed most of it.

It gets even worse today, because at 1:00 the 7 5 University of Kentucky Wildcats, in their first bowl game since 1999, take on the 8 4 Clemson Tigers in tonight’s Gaylord Music City Bowl in Nashville, Tennesee. Unlike the 69,000 fans crowding LP Stadium in beautiful downtown Nashvegas, America gets to miss this bowl game entirely.

Even if it is going to be a blowout win for Clemson (who is top 5 in the nation in rushing and pass defense versus a Kentucky team who couldn’t stop their noses from running and depends on the SEC’s most explosive passing attack), it would’ve been nice to at least watch the Wildcats losing in the Music City Bowl again. Now if I want to watch it, I have to sneak down to the lunch room at work, or listen to the radio. What is this, the dark ages?!

I don’t understand why you’d schedule a bowl game, but put it at a time in which most of the country can’t watch it, especially since there’s a gap between the Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl and the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, a Christmas gap, and a 3-day gap between the Allstate Sugar Bowl and the International Bowl! It seems so simple to me: one game a day from the 19th of December until the 8th of January, with doubleheaders or tripleheaders (as necessary) on Saturdays if you don’t want to conflict with the NFL’s Sunday hegemony.

On behalf of interested Kentucky fans everywhere: go fuck yourself, Music City Bowl.

Praise be to Allah!

The Mike Tyson Dangerometer, as established by Desiree Washington and Robin Givensis as follows:

The only thing more dangerous than Mike Tyson is a drunk Mike Tyson.

The only thing more dangerous than a drunk Mike Tyson is a horny Mike Tyson.

The only thing more dangerous than a horny Mike Tyson is a coked-up Mike Tyson.

So that begs the question: Is there anything more dangerous than a drunk, coked-up Mike Tyson?

Those crazy Hindus

Those crazy East Indians. Seems they can't get enough cheating in the past few weeks. First we have the man who was a woman who was a man... Aw, fuck. My head hurts. Anyways, at least in New Delhi, the newest embarrassment isn't a man who looks like a woman (and a bad looking one at that). No, thanks to the technology age and Bluetooth expecially, we now have the newest Indian cheater.

According to the Worldwide Leader in Bullshit and a more credible source, Reuters. Seems Umakant Sharma, the player in question, was getting outside help in getting his game on. Hey, Umakant, welcome to an American college setting circa 5 years ago. Glad you could make it to the 21st century there, pal.

And on top of matters, I can't make up quotes like this. Comedy just rolls out when you least expect it...

To quote: Indian chess federation secretary D.V. Sundar said on Wednesday.

"We have banned him for 10 years," he told Reuters. "We wanted to send a clear message to such people."

Right... Well, I hope Umakant learned a valuable lesson from this. He probably didn't, but hey! At least he isn't a woman who proved to be a man, or... Aw, fuck it!

Hey, is that Hideki Irabu?

After Boston paid out an insane $103 million dollars for Daisuke Matsuzaka, the Yankees paying out $46 million dollars for lefthander Kei Igawa seems shockingly reasonable. Granted, he is Japanese and has never pitched in the major leagues, but he’s also a left-handed starter, and that automatically makes him worth at least $46 million dollars. That’s just how these things work. Lefty > Righty.

What’s next, $126 million dollars for Barry Zito? Oh, wait.

One thing about the article linked that interests me about the Igawa signing is the fact that the Staten Island Advance continues to perpetuate the myth that the Yankees now have six starting pitchers. The real number is 4 ½ starting pitchers: Chien-Ming Wang, Andy Pettitte, Mike Mussina, the shell of the former Randy Johnson, and Carl Pavano’s worm riddled carcass.

When approached by ace SportsBastards reporter Rich for a comment, George Steinbrenner was quoted as saying, "Just what I wanted for Christmas, a new slanty-eyed Nip! I think I'll name this one 'Fat Pussy Toad, Jr.' since the last one was so much fun."

Defensive Player of the Year: on the field, not off the field, Admiral Smoot.

The NFL’s defensive player of the year race is, at this point, a competition between two men: Jason Taylor of the Miami Dolphins and Shawne Merriman of the San Diego Chargers. The war of words is already getting ugly, and sides are being drawn. Being a highly unpaid non-journalist, it’s my job… no, my duty, to sort through this mess and tell you how you should feel.

Jason Taylor says, and a lot of people agree, that if you get busted for using performance-enhancing drugs that you forfeit your right to be considered for any postseason awards because, y’know… you cheated. Shawne Merriman got 16 sacks on steroids, so who knows how many sacks he would have gotten if he wasn’t on the Romanowski/Bonds diet. Shawne Merriman says that he’s done his time, paid his fine, sat out his suspension, and still has 16 sacks in 11 games and thus, should be treated with the respect that he’s earned on the playing field.

If this were a sacking competition, you’d have to give the award to Shawne Merriman, based on force of numbers alone. However, Defensive POY is more than just how many times you can hit the quarterback, otherwise Dallas’ scout team would all be in the Pro Bowl for the millions of hits they’ve put on Drew Bledsoe in practice this year. There are many other factors to be considered, so let’s go inside the numbers and examine the roles each player plays within his defense.

Tony Romo: Man Whore of the Football Year

Now, a little known fact about me is that I love to read gossip blogs for the sheer stupidity of what celebrities do. Ron is going to call me gay once he sees the part about me reading gossip blogs.

So it was pretty obvious that Tony Romo was once linked to Jessica Simpson, and that they reportedly had some kind of date. This made Tony Romo the envy of a lot of men, myself not included as I think Jessica Simpson is a moron and looks don’t always do it, and he could have milked this shit to the hills. However, he decided to decline and throws her away like she was yesterday’s news.

Now, according to a couple of blogs that I’ve been reading tonight, he’s being linked to American Idol Carrie Underwood. I’m not a fan of Idol but she’s alright looking, same with Jessica (I much prefer brunettes though).

What I want to know is…Why?

Is it because he’s the Dallas Cowboys quarterback and that by law gets you A list pussy? If so, somebody better call up Drew Bledsoe and give him Kirsten Dunst, since he looks so much like Toby Maguire in his Yahoo Sports photo (I know it was a rumor they dated though; don’t fact check me). If so, somebody better call up some whores for ol' Vinny Testaverde since he once did it, not to mention Quincy Carter. I didn’t hear of any of them getting pussy, yet this guy can’t seem to stop.

Is it because people think he’s attractive? If so, that’s understandable perhaps, but seriously the guy who was now thought to be the savior of the Cowboys is now their Achilles. He’s got both Terry Glenn and Terrell Owens pissed off (I’ll get to you TO if you keep acting like a fucking douchebag. Don’t think I haven’t thought of a sequel letter, Ron will tell you different).

However, I’m going to call it right now that he’s going to be screwed once he gets linked to either: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or Paris Hilton. He’ll get near one of them at a party and the paparazzi will go apeshit and get them. Then he’ll end up on the Raiders. I’m calling this right now, give him about three to four months and he’ll be SOL. Everybody was saying Matt Leinart’s social life was over the moment he was spotted with Paris (Ok, that might be because he’s now in Arizona, but I digress).

I think all of you guys need to go to marriage counseling hosted by Dr. Phil since obviously something is wrong in paradise. You guys suck more balls than Indi does right now, and THEY LOST TO THE TEXANS!

Happy New Year, Dallas. Let’s hope you can save your season. Actually let’s not and say we did.

We can't stop here, this is Mullet Country!

This isn't my post, this is Jade's post. She was nice enough to oblige my sudden fit of wrestling op board nostalgia by coming up with a pro wrestling-related show review for us. Since I couldn't talk her into signing on full-time, I'll post it under my name until such time as my charm and wit win her over to the Bastard side for good.

So, in other words, it'll probably always be a post under my name. Old School Line Break Go!

Hi there, I'm Jade and I'll be your guest Bastard this evening.

A rare few may remember my golden days as the owner/operator of a wrestling website known as Impaler. Alas, those days are long gone; wrestling fell out of favor with me back when the WWF/WCW merger occurred and the only show in town wasn't giving me what I considered a quality product. I'm still not exactly a fan of wrestling, but now that my son has started watching RAW and ECW and he and my husband have begun attending the occasional wrestling show, I've found myself back on the fringe of markdom.

Tonight, I had the chance to see something I hadn't seen since about 1990; a WWE house show. Hubby and son were supposed to go with our friend Ben and his son, but Ben got a bad cold and had to beg off, so I became the lucky recipient of the fourth ticket.

This is why we can't drive nice things!

Note to Admiral Fred Smoot: It’s probably best to put the double dong down while you’re driving a car. Cars move faster and are more likely to run into something than boats. If you don’t, then you might wreck your car and break your jaw in five places, knocking yourself out of this Sunday’s Vikings/Rams game.

Gerald "Gerry" Rudolph Ford, Jr. (1913-2006)

"I believe that truth is the glue that holds government together, not only our government but civilization itself. That bond, though strained, is unbroken at home and abroad. ... In all my private and public acts as your president, I expect to follow my instincts of openness and candor with full confidence that honesty is always the best policy in the end." -- Gerald Ford

First it was Bo Schembechler. Now it’s Gerald Ford. If I’m Ray Jackson, I’m starting to get worried.

Gerald Ford was a man of great accomplishments. The former captain of his high school football team, Ford was the starting center on the offensive line of the powerhouse Michigan teams of the 30’s, winning back to back national championships in 1933 and 1934. Spurning several offers to play professional football, he took a coaching position (football and boxing) at Yale while working towards a law degree. Ford served his country in World War II in the Pacific Theater, earning 10 battle stars and nearly losing his life when swept overboard by a typhoon. While President, Gerald Ford maintained his active lifestyle, taking up swimming, tennis, and notably, golf.

The nation’s first unelected Vice-President, and first unelected President, Ford was in many respects the exact antidote the nation needed for the poisonous Nixon era. A statesman, scholar, and athlete, Gerald Ford was a man respected on all sides of the political spectrum. Unlike his successor, Ford was not a publicity hound and kept a low profile.

Ford was, if anything, a common man of uncommon accomplishments. He maintained an easy, open persona, always seeming like the most approachable of Presidents. He healed the wounds of the country in the wake of the Watergate scandal and was probably the world’s most famous Michigan Wolverines fan, keeping abreast of the Ohio State-Michigan game even while on a tour of the Soviet Union.

President Gerald Ford truly lived an eventful life. Were he not such a good student, you might say Ford was a real-life Forrest Gump. It just goes to show that you really do never know what you’re gonna get.

The Buffaslug buffalanche!

If you missed the first 11 minutes of last night’s Buffaslug/Washington Capitals game, then you missed basically the entire game. That’s because the Buffaslugs scored 6 goals in the first two thirds of the first period, then coasted to victory. I’d imagine it was nice leaving in the first period, even if there is no traffic in Buffalo to try and beat.

Merry Kickmas!

You know it’s a holiday weekend when two of the bigger college football stories over the break between the Sheraton Hawai’i Bowl and the Motor City Bowl Sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds is the troubles of two kickers. That’s assuming you count kickers as football players (which for these purposes, we will).

Ryan Ohliger, Boston College kicker, has been suspended for the team’s game versus the Midshipmen of Navy in the Meineke Car Care Bowl. This is his second suspension this year for a violation of team rules. his first suspension was in October as a result of a fight outside a bar, which lead to the real life “Rudy” story of walk on kicker and Greek Steve Aponavicius.

In the important bowl front, USC kickoff specialist Troy Van Blarcom may or may not, but probably will be, academically ineligible for the Trojan’s Rose Bowl game versus the Michigan Wolverines. He needed to maintain a 2.3 GPA this semester to retain eligibility, and apparently hasn’t done so. Kind of brings a new meaning to the phrase ‘idiot kicker,’ doesn’t it?

Also, before I forget, Deadspin links us to what may or may not be, but probably is, Steelers kicker Jeff Reed's penis.

Merry Christmas from us to you

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, you guys. It's been only a few short months, but damn if it hasn't been a quality few months, huh? We really appreciate everyone who comes by to check out SportsBastards, and we hope you're really digging what we're trying to do here. If you are, why not tell your friends or add us to your RSS feed?

It only gets better from here on out, you guys. We love you all, especially the people who leave us retarded hate messages, and we're all about spreading the love as best we can. If you have a site, email me or one of our writers and we'll set up a link exchange.

Y'all be safe and happy, and go out of your way to be nice to the poor clerks at the department stores when you start your return frenzy Monday. Those kids work too damn hard for too little pay. Don't drink and drive.



Time to believe again.

So, last night this Sports Bastard went into a movie just hoping to God that the magic he saw from the Rocky Balboa series was still alive. Something that inspired us all when we were young kids to "Go for it!" I'm glad to say, Rocky is still that man who inspires that.

Let's run it down. Rocky's the ripe age of 61 now. Here's the sad part, Adrian isn't with him. She succumbed to cancer long before the movie began. Right now, Rocky's living in the past. He and his son aren't on great terms, because Jr. feels like he's in Dad's shadow all the time. Paulie's content to stay at the meat plant that he's been at for the past few years.

All Rocky's got now is a successful restaurant, his boxing buddy Spider Ricco, and his old house. Yet, he's running in the past as Paulie later tells him. All it takes is comments from the Worldwide Satan and a computer demonstrated match to get the wheels turning. Of course, with douchery from Skip Bayless to season, The Rocky Anger Stew gets him back into the ring.

So, without spoiling it all. The story does go full circle. He's back to his old training, although with Duke instead of Mickey. Need you ask why, go watch Rocky III. If you haven't seen a Rocky movie, get the box set with all five movies. It's about 27.00 US at the lowest or 50.00 US or so for the highest. Get you a week of vacation, and then get ready to hit the gym after that.

Anyways, great fighting, great story, and great emotion from the whole deal. If you don't find yourself cheering Rocky's name or comparing Rocky opponents on the car ride home, like I did with my lady friend, Mary Beth, you're probably not breathing. I ended up comparing Creed to the current opponent. Trust me, it gets interesting around Clubber Lang time...

There's a reason this is on the list of "Movie Series You Have to See Before You Die." Go out, spend 6 dollars. It's worth it.

Rocky Balboa - Two thumbs up and a Bengal hellraising cheer from Rich

Wreck the Place Fantastic

Perhaps inspired by the efforts of Orioles fans, Detroit Lions backers are taking their war against Darth Millen to the next step. Last year, 500 or so people marched, chanted, and wore Bengals colors for their closing game against the Ohio State Penitentiary. This year, those fans interested in making their Howard Beale “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” statement are encouraged to get up and walk out en masse with 8:57 left in the second quarter.

I trust you all know what to do, Lions fans. It’s time to turn the Millen Man March into a full fledged revolution. You’re from Detroit, for Christ’s sake! Riot!

He really puts out fires with his hose.

Enough of this thankfulness crap; it's time to be bitter and sarcastic once again. So, to facilitate that, let's talk about Dontrelle Willis, Florida Marlins beer pitcher and urinary reliever. That’s right, kids, it’s a Christmas miracle! A DUI story that doesn’t involve a Bengal!

You might be buying your drinks when you go out to Mansion in luxurious South Beach, but you don’t retain ownership of your beverage permanently. As Dontrelle Willis found out, Newton’s Third Law: Law of Reciprocal Actions says “All forces occur in pairs, and these two forces are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.”

In other words, “If you drink it, you will pee.” Combine this law with the fact that alcohol is a dehydrating force, and if you’re pounding Jager bombs all night, you’ll have to piss like a race horse, and bathrooms aren’t always convenient. However, the side of the road is always there.

I’ve pissed on the roadside before. I used to have a three hour drive in the middle of nowhere between my college dorm and my home, so I did this at least twice a month or whenever I needed to do laundry. Everyone, rich or poor, has whipped their junk out on the side of the lane and taken a whiz, because we’re all human. You just have to look out for cops before you roll out of your Bentley to see that man about a horse, and it helps if you’re not blind drunk at the time you tinkle.

No more D-Train. Now you’re Dontrelle “Tinkles” Willis. Congratulations!

Number 200: The Christmas List

Considering how much of a fucking douchebag list that Pooper Scooper put up, it's time for a real sports fan/bastard list. So are you fuckers ready? Good.

By the way, look up top, this is article number 200, and it's not going to be fluff, either. It's a list for all of you.

- For the Critic to not so much hate everyone, Santa, but to at least get rid of CSTB's author/wannabe homosexual whiner.

- For the Cowboys to give T.O. what he deserves, Christopher Smith and a butcher knife.

- For Jaime Sue, to be healthy and happy in her winter wonderland of Colorado.

- For Ron, that job at the Louisville Courier-Journal in the Sports Department wouldn't be bad.

- For Jade, just hugs and smooches from all of us, and maybe some good drugs if the Rusty Show gets on MTV...

For more look down and click.

We Interrupt Your Life for an A.I. WHAT THE FUCK?!! Moment.

According to the SoulStealer (TM ), Allen didn't storm into Billy King's office and demand the trade out of Suckadelphia.

To quote: "I went into a meeting with Billy and I had expressed my frustrations," Iverson said. "We had lost 12 of 14 games and something wasn't right. I told Billy King we couldn't win with this style. I didn't directly say, 'Trade me -- I'm ready to go.'"

Hey, Billy! Gots some 'splaning to do, son.

So, what do you folks think? Did Billy want A.I. out, or is A.I. trying to look good. If we had a poll device, I'd put one here, but vote with comments. I'll figure it out in a post in the future. Ok?

U of L freshman center provides easy definition of irony.

From Wikipedia: Irony is a literary or rhetorical device in which there is a gap or incongruity between what a speaker or a writer says, and what is generally understood (either at the time, or in the later context of history). Irony may also arise from a discordance between acts and results, especially if it is striking, and known to a later audience.

In a slight bending of the theory behind irony (and this is not the place for a discussion of what indeed irony means in the 21st century, as much as I'd like to have that conversation with you), a man named Caracter shows he has none by being suspended (again) by University of Louisville head coach Rick Pitino for a violation of team rules. Three games for a Troy Smith loan, and now a game for an unspecified violation of team rules. Throw in the fact that Derrick Caracter has also been critized by his coach for being a 'fat athlete' and you have both a postmodern and a traditional definition of irony in one fell swoop.

Good job, Derrick! You've made some rhetoric and composition grad student's job much easier.

Sweep the leg, McFly!

Somebody at the Associated Press is a big "Dirty Dancing" fan. I thought for a second that Bill Simmons was writing about Washington's 88-72 curbstomping of LSU, but it was only one reference to the 80's, and no references to "The Karate Kid" or "Rounders."

Still, that was a scary few seconds.

The battle for the soul of Arena Football

The Arena Football League, deciding that 20 years of success and millions of dollars of revenue isn’t enough, decided to move one step further and sell its soul to earn a short term 5 year placement on the Worldwide and ABC in exchange for a chunk of AFL ownership.

This makes perfect sense for ESPN in a business sense, as it gains a foothold in what has to be their inevitable goal of owning its own content provider. This is what they attempted to do with ESPN Mobile. They tried to convert their network’s brand into a selling point for a subscription-based mobile phone service. Of course, ESPN knows sports, not phones, so this was a failure.

However, ESPN knows sports broadcasting.

The San Diego County Credit Union Poisonous Plant Bowl

The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl was, without a doubt, the best football game on TV tonight.

What? You want to hear more about it? Well... I don't generally do this, but here goes nothing.

Texas Christian University, the #4 defense in the country, crushed NCAA leading rusher Garrett Wolfe and Northern Illinois 37-7. Fortunately for TCU, they didn't have to worry about defending the pass at all during the game (because NIU's quarterback Phil Horvath was injuried against Central Michigan) and were able to concentrate all their effort on trying to kill a 5-foot 7-inch running back.

To Garrett Wolfe's credit, he did not die.

Let's not even get started on TCU quarterback Jeff Ballard, who ran for three touchdowns and threw for 253 yards and another TD through the air in the absolutely gorgeous TCU option attack. If Michael Vick was a quarterback, he'd be Jeff Ballard. Though I'm not crazy about purple and black, and I have no idea what the fuck a Horned Frog is, it apparently knows when to pitch and when to pass. That's all I need to make me a very happy football fan.

FUN FACT: Northern Illinois played Western Michigan, Central Michigan, and Eastern Michigan this year. Apparently Southern Michigan was too busy. For those that care (none of you), Western Michigan won the fictional Directional Michigan Universities Bowl, since they're the only one to beat NIU.

A Mile High Answer

Fret not Nuggets fans, help is on the way. As if blowing out the Wizards last night in their first of 14 more games without Melo wasn't bad enough you now have something to cheer about. So please, stop with the threats to Adolf Stern and quit threatening to do bodily harm to Dummy Thomas. No need going the Zeke route now [making dumb threats when you can do other things with your time]. But anyway, Denver now has its most star studded guard in a Nuggets uniform since Alex English was running and gunning for Doug Moe. So let the overhyping and all that, commence...

Oh, I'm supposed to finish here, right? Well I guess I should.

Iverson Moves his TITS class to Denver.

For the ones who give a shit still about A.I., Professor Iverson is picking up his TITS class and moving to Denver. According to the BS Leader and the always lovely Sooze, Allen Iverson is coming to the Rocky Mountains to bring Thuggin' and Sexyness back.

Now we all wonder, what Philly's getting for this. Well, here's the official blah of what. Andre Miller, Joe Smith and two 2007 first-round picks to the Sixers for Iverson and perhaps another minimum-salaried player or two. Translation: Chris's fantasy team is fucked, and Denver is getting a true scoring thug and two of his boys. Philly gets two young guns and picks to try to rebuild the mess that Billy King will make bigger anyways.

Now for those of you taking Prof. Iverson's TITS class in Philly, there is a change. While he's still teaching the following:

Fashion: Can You Ever Wear Too Much Jewelry?

He'll pick up a new course:

Thuggin', Druggin' and Brawlin': How to Fight Like a Real Man, Biotch!

Considering that Melo put up a fucking pussy shot on Collins, the Answer might be what he needs. Also, A.I. kinda likes George Karl, so that's a plus. Come to think of it, the fight would turn out a lot different this time. The Answer would've ended up by punching Zeke the Bitch. So, both sides win.

Philly gets Miller, Smith and draft picks.

Denver gets street cred and a man who'll actually shank Isiah Thomas at the next game.

I might actually watch the NBA more now...

Rich And Creamy Haterade Served By The No Balls Association.

I'm probably in the minority on this one and quite frankly, I don't care. I'm sick of this crap. From the very beginning, Carmelo Anthony's been the victim of Haterism. It's a very nasty thing and in this case, it's unjustified.

He did what no other Syracuse alum did and that's give Jim Boeheim a National Championship. He did this a year prior to leaving for the NBA, where he went third in the draft behind Crowned Prince James and In The Darko Milicic. Now I told people three years ago that Melo's a franchise player and he's the type of player you can build a championship squad around, while LBJ's the type of player you use to put asses in the seats or what I'm going to officially refer to as...a Billboard on Two Feet.

The Billboard on Two Feet, upon entering the league instantly became one of MANY Jordan wannabes annointed by everyone except the Queen of England as the 'Air Apparent' and while he wears the number 23 [which should be retired for all time, like the #99 is in hockey to pay proper respect to its greatest player] and sticks his tongue out like Jordan...

The similarities stop with the number and tongue. The boy bites his nails more than R.Kelly will at trial, waiting on the verdict from an all-white jury. It took him three damn seasons to crack the damn playoffs in the Leastern Conference. THE FUCKING LEASTERN CONFERENCE IS AKIN TO THE DAMN JV DIVISION IN LACROSSE PEOPLE!!!

Carmelo's gotten his Denver team with even less talent than the Cavaliers to the playoffs in three straight years in a much, MUCH tougher conference. Hell, he's even lead them to a division title in his first three years. Good luck thinking that ole LBJ's gonna lead Cleveland past Detroit, Chicago and Indy in the toughest division in the Least.

But the Haterism started on Carmelo when despite having a vastly superior rookie season [not to mention successful to boot], LeBron was handed Rookie of the Year honors [which should've been handed to him on draft night, so as to spare us all the inevitable robbery we were witnesses to]. But Melo's toiled on out West, doing his thing while the world continues to suck LBJ off as if he's the Next Great Thing on a team that's got a center on his last leg...err, ankle and a Pippen that's barely a Toni Kukoc in all honesty.

LeBron leaves the court early during a blowout loss to the Hawks, yes, THOSE Hawks and the world doesn't see it. Isn't until an Atlanta broadcast brings it to our attention that the world takes notice and even then, we didn't see what the broadcasters in the Dirty Dirty saw. But let's flip this now...

Naughty children

As previously mentioned, that was the big brawl between the Nuggets and the Knicks. Which was clearly instigated by their thug of a coach, Isaiah Thomas, who didn't receive any special punishment for being the cause of the brawl. He claimed that the Nuggets were running up the score on the Knicks and that his team had already given up.

Oh yeah? Then why hadn't Thomas pulled his star players off the floor? Instead, he expected the Nuggets to pull their starters from the game so that the Nuggets could blow their lead in the last two minutes of the game.

The punishments handed down go as follows:

Carmelo Anthony - 15 Game suspension
JR Smith and Nate Robinson - 10 game suspension each
Mardy Collins - 6 game suspension
Jared Jeffries - 4 game suspension
Jerome James and Nene - 1 game suspension each
$500,000 fine to each organization
Isaiah Thomas - ZERO GAMES.

I think personally it was a little harsh on Carmelo Anthony. I think his punishment should have been more along the lines of 10 games. Then again, I'm not an NBA fan; I'm a hockey fan and I love a good old fashioned brawl.

The NBA has so many image problems that they have to come down like a intolerant dictator and punish the boys, but there is a double standard and it's clearly shown by punishing Anthony for 15 games for restarting the brawl with his punch, but not punishing Isaiah Thomas for instigating the brawl to begin with.

Heartbreak Hotel: located in downtown Dallas, Texas

The NFL’s most torrid love affair is officially over. You and I watched them from afar, marveling at their chemistry. They smiled and laughed together, the NFL’s biggest name and a lesser known, hidden talent. They were more than friends; some might even say they were meant for one another.

It’s over now, and it’s as if those halcyon days never happened. The warmth of summer love has faded into the bitter chill of a broken, lonely winter. I still can’t believe it; they were so happy once, and now… nothing.

Terrell Owens and DeAngelo Hall are no longer friends. Not after what happened Sunday, when TO carelessly let slip a friendship-smothering loogie that simultaneously struck DeAngelo Hall’s face and broke the hearts of both DeAngelo Hall and America. These once BFFs are now bitter enemies. The purest love has curdled into the purest hate.

Did you think I was talking about Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan?

In some ways, the relationship was always doomed to fail. Combustible, possibly manic depressive wide receiver on the wrong side of age 30 and the hot young shut down cornerback. I don’t know why we thought it would work, but we hoped against hope that somehow these two crazy kids would hold strong to their love, defying the big, cold world.

We cheered as they railed against the forces driving to separate them, as they shook their fists and said, “Damn the consequences!” Now we cry when the world, and its cruel capricious ways, moves on and splits the bond between two lonely souls.

I hope someone’s hidden the pills at the Owens household. I’m looking at you, Kim Etheredge. T.O. may have $25 million reasons to live, but he only needs one broken heart to make all that money worthless.

Jerry Springer Live in New York Citah

The New York Knicks and the Denver Nuggets got into a wild brawl earlier this evening that made me think of one word that a crowd used to shout with pride when a fight broke out on television:


If you haven’t seen the video, let me summarize this for you: JR Smith is on a breakaway late in the 4th quarter when Mardy Collins goes ghetto and almost clotheslines his head off from behind. Then shit went down like LAPD cops at an NWA themed rap battle. Nate Robinson gets all up in JR Smith’s face who was trying to confront Mardy for the hit. About five or six more people come over, including Carmelo Anthony who shoved Robinson. Escalation ensues when JR Smith breaks away from the people holding him and tackles Nate Robinson into the crowd. Yes, you heard me right, the crowd. Carmelo Anthony then proceeded to put the icing on the cake by popping Mardy Collins right in the grill, punk bitch style. Jarrod Jefferies of the Knicks tries to get at Anthony, but has to be restrained by coaches, his jersey almost comes off because he’s that pissed, and ten people ended up ejected.

Go to to find the video, it ain’t hard to find.

Now, I’m not surprised Carmelo decided to release his inner-thug. He has done this once before by appearing in somebody’s video about snitches. The acronym NBA now means No Balls Association to Carmelo Anthony. Now the only thing we need to see is D-Wade and LeBron get into a fight over who has the better commercial, and our sports basketball brawling lives will be complete.

There is only possibly one thing that could have made this better…Earl Boykins and Nate Robinson getting in a midget fight. Come on, tell me that wouldn’t be the funniest shit ever. To top it all off, this is the trash talk that would go down afterwards, Jerry Springer style:

Nate Robinson: DIE NIGGA!

And now for my final thought

We need to see more of this shit. Take care of yourselves, and each other.

"Good" is not good enough.

In what used to be an important match up, Tubby Smith’s University of Kentucky Wildcats defeated Rick Pitino’s University of Louisville Cardinals 61-49 in what was quite possibly the ugliest fucking basketball game since UK’s craptastic defeat of Indiana University 59-54 last week. As a die-hard UK basketball partisan, let me just say that after 1998, I had high hopes for Tubby Smith’s reign. We won a national title (with Rick Pitino’s players). We landed some great recruits.

Then, somehow or another, the train completely derailed. Players started to transfer. Good home-grown players went on to star at other universities (J.R. VanHoose, Chris Lofton). Instead of McDonald’s All Americans, UK started to field starting lineups filled with average (and I’m trying to be kind) junior college transfers and overrated, underperforming “NBA prospects.”

Tubby Smith is a great person. He’s raised millions of dollars for charity. He’s a family man. The University graduates its players and there hasn’t been even a hint of NCAA trouble from the basketball side of the program, and Tubby Smith deserves all the credit in the world for that, but this is the University of Kentucky, and it’s been 8 years since we’ve seen the Final Four.

The University of Kentucky has never gone 9 years without appearing in the Final Four of the national championship tournament in school history.

Happy trails, Coach DeBerry

Coach Fisher DeBerry, who has been at the Air Force Academy for 23 seasons, has announced his retirement from the team today. While DeBerry spent 27 years at the Air Force Academy and compiled an impressive 169-109-1, there are only two incidents he'll be remembered for. Of course with that lead in, I'm not talking about his 35-11 record against the Army and Navy, nor his 14 Commander-in Chief trophies.

In 2004, Coach got in trouble for having a banner up in the locker room that had the phrase "I am a Christian first and last ... I am a member of Team Jesus Christ" upon it, which is a reference to Coach DeBerry's Christianity. He was also forced to scrap the traditional pre- and post-game prayers, despite the fact that Jesus never hurt anybody (unlike, say, Marcus Vick).

In 2005, Coach DeBerry got in trouble for saying that the AFA didn't have enough athletic diversity/minority athletes. He later clarified that statement with, "It just seems to be that way, that Afro-American kids can run very, very well. That doesn't mean that Caucasian kids and other descents can't run, but it's very obvious to me they run extremely well." When you look at the average makeup of an NCAA Division 1 football program and compare that to the service academies, you can see exactly what DeBerry was talking about.

Is it racist to admit your best athletes are generally black people?

An Open Letter to Marcus Vick

Dear Marcus Vick,

Dude, we’ve all been there. You’ve had a few drinks, you see some girl walk by with her ass shaking under some tight britches, you ogle. You’re human, you’re young, you’re heterosexual… you have to look. Then the girl turns around, she’s got braces on her grill and she’s wearing a tee-shirt from the local high school.

Now, most people (read me) would look away, pretend they weren’t drooling over the sweet, sweet can of some freshman girl, and try to put the whole thing behind them. Apparently you don’t do this wise decision, and now your ass is going to court over you banging the hell out of a 15-year-old girl for a year. I hope she was worth 6.3 million dollars.

Marcus Vick, you are the R. Kelly of the Vick family.

Lamar Hunt (1932-2006)

What can be said about Lamar Hunt's life that most people, including the Worldwide , haven't already said?

The official crap -

Son of oil tycoon H.L. Hunt and younger brother of tycoon Nelson Bunker Hunt; Graduated from Southern Methodist in 1956; founder of the American Football League (1960-1969); co-founder of the North American Soccer League (1967-84); co-founder of Major League Soccer; Founder and owner of the Dallas Texans, which moved and were called the Kansas City Chiefs; founder and owner of Columbus Crew; current owner of the FC Dallas; inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1972; inducted into the National Soccer Hall of Fame in 1992; credited with coming up the term "Super Bowl." Was one of the founding investors of the NBA's Chicago Bulls; co-founded World Championship Tennis and was made a member of the International Tennis Hall of Fame in 1993; the NFL's trophy for the champion of the American Football Conference is named in honor of Lamar Hunt.

The reality of Hunt -

Hunt isn't a footnote of NFL history, the man's life of innovation IS NFL History. He was the first rich man who wanted salary caps for teams, equal sharing among the teams, and no disparity or disambiguation among the officials. He wanted no favoritism towards his team or anyone else's team. Without his AFL, we sure as hell wouldn't have our Super Bowl or the dynamic AFC.

We would not have Broadway Joe and the Jets. No John Elway and the Broncos. No San Diego and their biggest star, LT. In his presence, we have the mecca of American Football, Arrowhead Stadium, the loudest NFL stadium to date. Without him, there might not have been steady work in the NFL at all. He forced the system to conform to fair labor practices at the time (he couldn't do all the work, the USFL is what got the big money, for you history buffs).

All in all, Lamar did things for the sporting world that most are still trying to grasp. Without him, there probably wouldn't have been a Bulls had he not stepped in. There wouldn't be a MLS that the Premiership is now looking at as a serious threat. Tennis might've suffered without some of his faith in the game. Lamar didn't create a lot in sports, but his belief in the sports brought them back to life.

Time to rest, Mr. Hunt. We've got things from here, sir.

The Japanegro Leagues

Well, Boston got themselves a gyroballin' Japanese pitcher, and it only cost them $103 million dollars. $51 million dollars goes to the Seibu Lions, and $52 million dollars goes to Daisuke Matsuzaka, baseball's newest prospect, spread out over the course of a 6-year deal.

I understand to us Americans Daisuke's name is hard to pronounce unless you're an anime nerd or you've lived with Japanese people (I lived with Japanese people for 4 years in college, including a guy named Daisuke). But for the love of God, let's STOP calling him D-Mat right fucking now, okay? Call him Dice. Call him Suzi. Call him Kay. Call him The Donger for all I fucking care, but let's kill D-Mat in its tracks as soon as possible.

The last thing the world needs is another shitty unoriginal nickname for an overpaid baseball player. We get enough of that shit on SportsCenter thanks to Chris Berman, we don't need the rest of the sports world adding to that crapstival.

Click below for some footage of Dice's world-famous gyroball.

You probably shouldn't kick it to Devin Hester.

So last night Devin Hester set a new NFL record for returns for touchdowns, torching the Rams for two kickoff returns tonight. Hester has six for the season, as you all know by now. Two kickoffs (in his first full game as a kickoff returner), three punt returns, and a memorable return off a missed field goal that tied the NFL record for longest return (108) yards. Impressive, right?

Well, Hester, as it turns out, isn't just a freak with a lot of speed. He also saw significant action on the defensive side of the ball as well, recording a season high three tackles as a backup cornerback. Sure he did get burned by Torry Holt once, but who hasn't? He also made a few good plays and provided some tough coverage out there, in addition to burning everyone alive on kickoff returns.

I don't know how you anyone who watches football can not look at Devin Hester as a legitimate candidate for Offensive Rookie of the Year. He should already be a lock to earn a trip to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl for his special teams work, and I look for him to see more time in the defensive backfield, as well, as the season wears on. This is, without a doubt, a legendary returner in the making.

Maybe it's time to put the kid in at quarterback. Hell, so far he's been dynamite on both sides of the ball. Maybe lightning will strike a third time? He can't be any less consistent than Sexy Rex.

An Open Letter to you fellow Sports Bastards.

EDIT: Hi kids, Ron here. Remember this post? Well, I got a lovely letter from Mr. Kevin Keown, dad of former Vandy punter Kyle, asking that we take the post down. It's not my post, so I can't remove it, but I can edit it and include his letter concerning the post and the incident.

Since this is one of the first things that pops up when you Google Kyle's name, I figure this was the best course of action. Considering the original post is still up on Deadspin, and there's an article about it on Inside Vandy, he's got a lot more work to do to get his son's name out of the news.

Good luck finding a job, Kyle.

Dear Sir:

I have previously contacted you about removing the link to my son, Kyle Keown, that has appeared on your site for more than one year. I have previously informed you of the inaccuracy of the information as it was first written by Petr Franklin, and how the legal system has ultimately proved it false as well. You may well know that the Vanderbilt Hustler removed this story the day after it was printed and again removed another version by a different writer and then removed it altogether. Petr Franklin was a classmate of co-defendant Sarah Treikal, who under oath admitted to starting the events that transpired. There was never a "police report," only a statement by Richard Kovalcheck that was thrown out when this case came before the appropriate authorities.

This article continues to appear with internet search engines. It has now risen to the top, as the other sites, except for two others, have seen the decency to remove it from their servers. I ask you to now do the same. It serves you, Vanderbilt, Vanderbilt's "community" and certainly my son, no purpose to continue to display false and prejudicial information.

My son now seeks employment and this information has already become a problem for him, with potential employers already referencing your information as a liability for him and them. The libel laws now hold internet sites to the same standards as any other media. We kindly and respectfully request that this information be removed immediately.

Thank you for your consideration.

Kevin O. Keown

Scott Boras Puts a Bigger Kibosh on the Red Sox...

If anyone remembers the history between Scott Boras and the Boston Red Sox. His name is pretty much cursed by the Boston faithful due to him being the agent that was responsible for Johnny Damon's move to the Yankees. Considering that fact, Boras is almost on thin ice. If the Japanese have anything to say, they're ready to throw him right in...

Boras says this week that Daisuke (that's DICE-Kay for you Americans with no Japanese skills). Matsuzaka is asking for 100 million over years due to his worth. The Sox aren't so inclined to agree with him immediately. However, the Baseball Antichrist isn't so forgiving in his pursuit for the millions that he claims that D-Mat wants. You could Google Boras all you want, and there's enough negative articles about him. He's about as well regarded in MLB as Drew Rosenhaus is in the NFL. In other words, both are marked on the ban list as soon as the commissioners can do so.

According to the Worldwide, Boras isn't going to budge at all from his demands, much less budge from his house. To a man who makes teams overpay for players who ultimately go bust, the Sox are now going to his front door to drag him out. Yet, he's not wanting to budge until his 100 million for D-Mat comes. He's also got the consideration of losing face with the Seibu Lions. If he blows this deal, he in turn forfeits the 51 million that the Lions currently have at the moment.

The deadline is Thursday, and now Boras has to choose between his greed and his honor to the Seibu officials. Why do I get the feeling that Boras will go with greed and screw it up?

An Open Letter to Jimmie Johnson

Dear Jimmie Johnson,

First of all, congratulations on winning the Nextel Cup. It was a long, hard season, but in the end you defeated your competition, including such stars as Ricky Bobby and Cole Trickle, and won the championship. Good for you; it was an incredible achievement.

Then, of course, you go and do the most retarded thing imaginable. More retarded than anything Tom Green or the Jackass gang have ever done. More retarded than Lovie Smith sticking with Rex Grossman as Chicago's quarterback. More retarded than Corky.

You break your arm while "horsing around" on a golf cart. You race cars at 200 miles an hour, but you can't handle the speed and ground-hugging turns of that legendary street racing machine, the golf cart. I guess those right turns really are a bitch, eh Jimbo?

LT2: Electric Boogaloo

"When we're old and can't play this game anymore, them are the moments we are going to remember, that we'll be able to tell our kids, tell our grandchildren. We can talk about something special that we did. We made history today." - LaDainian Tomlinson

Well, it's official. LaDainian Tomlinson has officially earned the right to be called LT2. Three touchdowns today versus the formerly-stout Broncos defense and New LT has 29 touchdowns in only 13 games, shattering Shaun Alexander's single-season record. With three more games to play, even!

I don't think I can properly express my thoughts on this, because I'm baffled. This is something the best running backs in NFL history haven't even gotten close to, even in the old days when all they did was run the ball. Jim Brown never did this. Walter Payton never did this. Barry Sanders and Emmitt Smith never did this.

I'll admit, it's very impressive, and I'm an LT hater. Of course, let's see if it helps them in the playoffs this year. Otherwise, San Diego is simply Indianapolis West: Ground Division, which makes LaDainian Black Manning. Even Dan Marino made it to the Super Bowl, and he never had a running game.

Now it's your turn, LT2. Prove me wrong.

An Open Letter To: The Carolina Panthers

You know if I post here that it's going to be a kind and respectful tone which I take.

Dear Carolina Panthers,

If any of the people on your roster sees a green truck with loud rock music blaring, a driver who cannot understand why old people and cellular phone users don’t have their own lane on the road, and who is swearing up a storm because whenever he changes lanes, people find it appropriate to immediately turn into their destination, thereby further enraging said driver when they don’t use their turn signal properly…Prepare to get the biggest asswhooping of your lives, because that would be me hunting you down. One by one I’m going to get each and every one of you. You won’t know when and you won’t know where. I’ve got a specific hit list that I’m going to run down in a second but first let me speak on this.

When it comes to sports in this state people care about the following: NC State, college basketball, UNC, the ACC, Mike Longmotherfuckinglastnamethatwouldwinaspellingbeeifspelledcorrectly at Duke getting a shitload of recruiting power by doing commercials, and pretty much anything other than professional football, I now understand why they care about the aforementioned and not the Carolina Panthers.

That being said, here is the hit list:

1) Steve Smith
2) Chris Gamble
3) John Fox
4) Jake Delhomme
5) DeShaun Foster/DeAngelo Williams
6) Whoever gave up 4th and 10 to the Giants

First, let me just state for the record that you guys have got a great team when it comes to talent. You contain probably the best wide receiver in the National Football League in Steve Smith, you have perhaps the best front four in the NFL with Julius Peppers being an absolute freak of nature, and you have probably one of the top five defenses in the NFL. Not to mention that you now have Keyshawn Johnson as a second receiver, and DeAngelo Williams in the backfield to complement DeShaun Foster.


Let’s run down the hit list so I can go take a nap and try to cleanse myself of this horrendous day.

His Airness Wants the Answer, Dammit!

According to the Worldwide, CNNSI, and anyone with the ear to the ground, Iverson wants out. NOW. As heard on Sportscenter, His Airness, Michael Jordan is flexing his ownership muscle in Charlotte. He's actually muscling up and telling the dumbasses in Charlotte to get the money ready.

As a pundit of the NBA, this makes sense for a team with nothing to lose. Charlotte Bobcats aren't exactly lighting up anything. And with 10 million in cap space, Jordan looks like a fucking genius. So, let's say Air pulls this off. Does this mean we'll forget his Washington Wizards fuckups? Not entirely; but we'll get close enough to it.

Keep it open, fuckers. If his Airness gets Charlotte's numbskull owners off their asses, he might have pulled off the coup de grace of the 2006-07 year. Of course, he has to get Iverson to stop laughing long enough to get him in the meeting room...

TITS and You: Step up to the Learnin' Tree

People have been asking Ron and I for weeks this same question. "What the fuck is TITS?" I know we've said it before in the last New Rules, but TITS has taken a life of its own. So now it's time to pull out the TITS Guide for Winter 2007. This will explain to all of you the fine courses that they teach for new thugs-in-training that'll be coming into the NFL and NBA.

The Travelling Institute of Thugganomic Studies, aka TITS, used to be located in New York City, but after the dean moved to LA, the school moved too. However, the dean also saw that everyone needed his expert knowledge in druggin', thuggin, and beatin' a ho down like a G. So, he did something revolutionary. He set up multiple expansion colleges with multiple deans, but each takes a different role. While he's the main dean, the other deans pick up his slack, sometimes too much...

First, we should establish the faculty. So you know who's gonna beat yo' ass when you fuck up in any course. Trust me, folks, with this esteemed front office, you don't want to fuck up... EVER.

Dean Darryl Strawberry - The Facilitator, the Dean of Deans. Professor Emeritus of Wife Swapping. - Los Angeles College of Thuggin' and Druggin'.

Dean William "The O.G. Romo" Romanowski - Dean of Chemistry. Professor Emeritus of Mexican Pharmacies and You. - Denver School of Chemical Studies

Dean Dwight "Doc" Gooden - Dean of Drug Studies. - New York College of General Drug Studies

Dean "No Pants Lions Coach" Joe Cullen - Dean of Student Affairs - Detroit School of Indecent Exposure

Interim Dean, Admiral Fred Smoot - Dean of Aquatic Studies - TITS Center for Aquatic Sexcellence, Minnesota

Now let's look at the class schedule for this winter for your soon to be famous little thug...

Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits: The Nail in the Coffin

Five days ago, I said that the Chargers were going to have to really up the ante if they wanted to catch up to the Cinciattica Bengals. Deltha O'Neal does not want that to happen, so he took one for the team. That's right, less than a week after Reggie McNeal got arrested, Deltha O'Neal, Pro-Bowl cornerback and former Tennessee Titan, got himself arrested for, get this, a DWI.

I can't speak for anyone else, but unless Lorenzo "Leslie" Neal starts killing hookers and Phillip Rivers turns out to be a cannibal, this race is over. Cincy's plan of attack, piling on a lot of little offenses, has worked to perfection, and I just don't think the Chargers have the ability to put a stop to the relentless assault. Just like Frostee Rucker's wife, the only thing you can do is to stop struggling and accept your fate.

It's spectacularly damning evidence, when you see it in chart form, and I'm not even going back to December 2005 like ESPN is, just counting this season. Just since the start of training camp!

The official scoreboard, as always, is below, along with additional interesting commentary from yours truly.

Play with my balls

So what's with all the bitching from the NBA players about our good friend Orange Roundie?

I'll be honest, I don't get it. So long as they don't switch to a basketcube or something, I think the player's union needs to keep their collective mouth shut, because obviously the new ball is good for the game. How do I know this? Simple, unlike Billy Hunter, I look at the scoreboard.

Thursday night, the Nets and Suns played the 4th-highest scoring game in NBA hsitory, a double-OT classic that the Suns won 161-157. Now, taking that game in a bubble, you could reasonably claim that it was a freak result stemming from the Suns ABA-style up-tempo basketball, and maybe you're right.

But take a look at Friday's scoreboard.

Look at all the scores in the triple digits! And it's not just the usual running suspects cracking 100, or overtime games. No sir, these are teams scoring 90+ points in regular time. When's the last time you saw that many teams score that much in recent NBA history?

Orange Roundie is here to stay. Read below for more evidence, including a complete list of Friday's scores, from 120+ to 90+.

It's a matter of protest

SKILES photoshop courtesy of Bri

For those that don't know the story, earlier in the year Ben Wallace got in trouble for wearing a headband, just like a certain punky QB from the greatest team of all time, the 1985 Chicago Bears.

The Reason I'm Glad I Went to UT for my Freshman Year...

Post removed per family request.

At what price infamy?

One year. Sixteen million dollars. That’s the going rate for an injury riddled 42 year old power hitter who can barely trot around the bases, let alone play the outfield. However, when it comes to Barry Lamar Bonds, there is only one number that really matters.

It’s not the 7 MVP awards. It’s not the 8 gold gloves. It’s not the 509 stolen bases. It’s not the 13 All Star appearances. The only numbers that matter to Barry and the Giants is 755, Henry Aaron’s home run record, and 22, the number of dingers Bonds needs to hit to pass Hammerin’ Hank and assume his place atop the record books as the greatest statistical power hitter of all time, and the greatest San Francisco Giant of all time.

The Giants know that without Bonds, they’re nothing.

How to have a pleasant ESPN College Basketball experience without Dickie V.

Are you a College Basketball Fan? Of course you are. Who isn't?

Do you hate Dick Vitale's voice as much as you hate the Detroint Lions management? Who doesn't?

Do you want to watch the game without, "YEAAAH, BAY-BEE!"

Well, according to the Duke Basketball Report, you can.

That's right, all you need is your surround sound with the proper settings tuned to hear the crowd and the floor only. You'll also need a bit of know how to make sure you didn't blow up the speakers. Voila, great B-Ball action. No Dickie V to make you cry.

Thank the Duke guys for doing something right. Now if only they'd stop making us try to suck Coach K's dick...

Another milestone for a legend

“The thing I remember about Adolph Rupp is that one time I scored seven points against the ornery son of a (expletive) to help beat him,” Knight said, referring to Ohio State’s 87-74 victory over the Wildcats in the 1961 NCAA tournament. “That’s a lot bigger in my memory than this.”

Happy happys today for one of the most upstanding men in college basketball, Coach Bobby Knight, because, last night, he tied the legendary Kentucky coach Adolph Rupp for second in career wins in NCAA history. Like the man or not, you can’t argue with his amazing accomplishments as a coach and the no nonsense way in which he conducts himself. With a guy like Coach Knight, you get what you expect and what you deserve.

Maybe I’m biased, but I have nothing but respect for Coach Knight. He may have anger problems, and he’s definitely not skilled when it comes to corporate coach speak, but he turns boys into men. His players play hard, his players play smart, and his players graduate. How many other college basketball coaches can you say that about? Few to none.

In an environment where winning is more important than creating successful students, and where sucking up to boosters trumps all, Bobby Knight is a throwback coach. Unlike his pupil Mike Krzyzewski, Bobby doesn’t play to the media or try to project a softer image for endorsement deals. Bobby doesn’t pretend to be anything other than what he is, the second winningest college basketball coach of all time, and a guy more than capable of making chicken salad from chicken shit.

Keep showing the kids how it's done, Bobby.

Colin Cowherd allowed on Mike and Mike?

So, Colin Cowshit is on Mike and Mike giving his opinion on why Florida deserved the shot at the Bullshit Championship.

Considering this is the same fucker who made fun of Eddie Guerrero's death, I do something that most people do anyways through his radio show...

Take a three hour shit. So, make fun of another wrestler, the Homers, and everyone else. Then George Solomon will yell at you again. The Worldwide Leader in Bullshit won't fire you. We'll repeat this stupidity because the BS Leader is as inept as the Ford Family.

I think I'd rather have Whitlock back...

The opposite of Smart is dumb.

I'm so disappointed I can't pay tribute to the best Western Kentucky University football player in the NFL not named Jeremi Johnson with my very own Panthers "He Hate Me" jersey.

Sorry, everyone. I guess Christmas is cancelled this year.

Matt Simms: Humilating Phil One Day at a Time...

Hey Ron,

Are you ready for the next generation of Simms at your beloved Louisville? I hope so, because Matthew Simms is a fucking cunt.

That's right. According to the boys over at With Leather and The Out Route, seems that Mattie is going the route of such famous little brothers such as Eli Messiah and Marcus "Next Oakland QB" Vick.

In fact, go here. Look at the first remix vid and then go look for Don Bosco's vid. You'll see a real class act there as he schools the other team 41 to 0. Of course, he fake moons like Randy Moss. He even does a few Jake Plummer idiot moments. Oh, and Ron, here's his picture...

The load that should've went to the toilet...

To top this off, big bro Chris had to man up and apologize for how much of a twat that Mattie was. Have fun with this cunt at Louisville, Ron. Of course, feel free to piss on him for me...

Same Song...

Before I get to the meat of my rant and the newest movement I'm about to start heading up, I wanna touch on a few things first and foremost.

First off, congrats to Tony Parker for getting engaged to Eva Longoria. Now that you've gotten that out of the way, help Timmy and Manu get them another ring so that order can be restored to the NBA and I don't have to suffer through the German Peyton Manning trying and failing miserably to get a championship.

Secondly, the BCS. They got it right people, knock it off. Here's the thing that I for the life of me will probably never get about this system. I've heard folks say that the one thing that was working against Michigan was the fact that they haven't played in two weeks.

Uh, okay.

But notwithstanding that minor detail, here's what we're overlooking or flat out ignoring. Florida won its last game, Michigan did not. Florida won its conference, much tougher than the Negative Ten and Michigan did not. I repeat, Florida WON ITS CONFERENCE AND MICHIGAN DID NOT.

That, in a nutshell is all you need to know here. Great for Boise State going unbeaten and everything, here's hoping you can duplicate the success Utah had about two years ago against Pitt and make the Boomer Sooners, Boomer Nevers. [By the by, I'm taking the Blue Broncs here. The world's gonna get introduced to Ian Johnson on New Year's. Same day by the by that K-Med takes on Cena in what figures to be the worst main event in Raw HISTORY. Thanks for giving me a legitimate reason to watch college football Vince, even with Rutgers not playing on New Year's Day.]

All of you Ann Arbor folk who are ready to see a playoff system, just stop it. All of you were spared being put on suicide watch by a potential second straight loss to the same team on a neutral field which would've REALLY incited Urban Legend In The Making Meyer to have a playoff system implemented [around the 1st of Neveuary, college presidents aren't about to cut off the cash bowls give their pockets err, universities].

Alright, football.

Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits: Late-season Heroics

Exciting news today, gang. The Bengals, after a monthlong silence on the judicial front, have made a serious move to pull away from The Chargers in the race to see which NFL team can run up a longer collective rap sheet over the course of a single season. Everyone, meet Reggie McNeal, your new favorite Bengal.


Going back to the official scoreboard, this puts the Bengals into a tie with the Chargers for team members arrested AND into a tie for total offenses once the Chargers bonuses are factored in. The Bengals still lead in total arrests, thanks to team MVP (Most Volatile Prisoner) Chris Henry, but with the seriousness of the Chargers offenses and the amount of bullets buried in Steve Foley, it’s still anybody’s race.

It’s neck and neck, gang. Who’s going to step up and close this race out one way or another? Will Carson Palmer have somebody whacked? Will Phillip Rivers get caught attending a lovely Tijuana donkey show? Will the pressure of running an offense that doesn’t come straight from the 1950’s give Marty Shottenheimer a stroke? Will Shawne Merriman take out a bus full of nuns with his idiotic sack dance? Will Marvin Lewis kill Chris Henry for repeated team distractions?

I couldn’t begin to tell you who had the inside track here. One team has the numbers advantage, the other team has the serious offenses advantage. One team has ample access to drugs, booze, and loose women. The other team is within driving distance of Tijuana. This is one battle for supremacy that will go down to the wire.

EDIT 12/5/06: I missed this at the time, but Bengals guard Eric Steinbach has also been arrested for boating while drunk on the Ohio River. The scale's starting to tilt, folks.

Check the totals below.

3 Amigos

With Ocho Cinco and Carson Palmer leading the way, the Cincinatti Bengals seem to be back on track. Now, will they make the Super Bowl? Probably not. Will they make the Playoffs? Perhaps. But one thing is for certain, the Bengals have been finding a way to get things done in the past few weeks. With that said, enjoy this random video I ran across while browsing on YouTube. It's an original song created by some hasn't-been Ryan Parker about the Bengals- more specifically, their receiving core.

BCS Selection Time!

Alright, folks. As I'm seeing this, I'll pass to you the BCS Bowl Selections so that you don't have to puke while watching whoever they put to announce it. Knowing Fox, it might be a complete goober-fest.

The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl

Boise State vs. Oklahoma. - The undefeated team that got shafted vs. Oklahomos. All bets are even here.

FedEx Orange Bowl

Louisville vs. Wake Forest - The Big East vs. The ACC champions. I'm going with Ron's choice of Louisville.

National Title Game

Florida vs. Ohio State - The SEC's prized defense vs. The Best Damn Paid For Team in The Land. Go Gators!

Allstate Sugar Bowl

LSU vs. Notre Dame - Crazy Cajuns vs. Irishmen. Another even game. Lots of hits. I'm going with LSU.

CitiBank Rose Bowl

Michigan vs. USC - The Wolvies vs. The other best damn paid for team in the land. Booty gets plundered by a shunned Michigan.

Wiping away the BCS mud

Well, the national championship just got a whole lot clearer, at least in my eyes.

There were three major contenders for the spot to face Ohio State. One team has already gotten beaten by Ohio State, not beaten badly but beaten completely. No need for a rematch.

One team lost to UCLA tonight, and looked pretty shitty in their loss. Obviously they don’t deserve to play Ohio State, and their mediocre conference hasn’t helped. Of course, they are in the largest media market in the world, so I wouldn’t put it past the ratings-hungry BCS and the crooked Pac-10 to finagle something.

One team beat a very tough opponent in their conference championship and looked fairly good doing it, demonstrating a fast, stifling defense and a good supply of necessary trick plays. They have a big-name head coach. They have a freakishly athletic quarterback. They run the spread option.

That team, which should be heading to Glendale, Arizona for the national championship, is the University of Florida Gators.

An Open Letter to Scoop Jackson

Dear Scoop Jackson,

So I heard that you’ve been ‘jocking’ other people’s intellectual property in your column. Well, while I hate to sound like one of the money-hungry monsters at the RIAA, this is wrong. Not only is stealing intellectual property wrong, it’s also a sign of being a poor writer. Considering that’s what you get paid to do, well, that doesn’t show well for you.

Listen, I don’t hate you, but I’m also not a fan. You’re no Whitlock, and you’re damn sure not a Ralph Wiley. I think you try a little too hard to cram in hip-hop and sports references that you think most people won’t get, but hey. That’s your style. It’s not my fault that it comes across about as forceful and unwanted as Kobe Bryant hitting on a white girl in Colorado.

Sure, your editors (who you claim took out the link in the first place) added an incorrect link to YAYsports, but that’s not enough. You stole an entire character. You stole the name, you stole the gimmick, you stole the premise. Let’s just shorten that rant up and say “You stole.” I’m sure, since you’re black, you will say that you’re used to being looked at as a thief and criminal (I had to beat Scoop to the race-card punch on this one). Of course this time, you deserve to be looked at as a thief, because that’s what you did.

I’m sure it’s really hard to write one column a week. Maybe I don’t understand the pressure that’s placed on you being one of only 5 of 16 writers on Page 2 that happens to be African-American. Maybe I don’t understand what it’s like to be hated for feuding with everybody’s favorite ex-Page 2 writer, Jason Whitlock.

Here’s one thing I do understand. Plagiarism is theft (and this, obviously, is not a case of satire). It’s wrong to do it in school, and it’s definitely wrong to do it on the job. I’m not saying you should be fired, but… yeah, you probably should be fired, considering you did this deliberately, and have admitted as much to Deadspin.

I’m not in charge of a multi-billion-dollar sports enterprise, nor am I in charge of anything, but I’ll tell you this. If one of my writers here at SportsBastards was deliberately stealing from another writer, I’d pull the article and shit-can him/her faster than you can say “Bojangles.” I’d do this because if I was that writer, I’d be pissed off someone stole from me, and I’d want heads to roll.

I guess I just have a little more respect for other writers than you do, Scoop. Really, it’s kind of sad. I’m sure you had to struggle to get to Page 2, and now you’re just stepping all over the ‘little guy’ when you used to be that ‘little guy’ once upon a time. Really classy, ESPN. An incorrect non-link won’t make this problem go away.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go work on my talking football character who I ingeniously have named "Burnt Sienna Prolate Spheroidie." (Thanks for helping me figure out the shape of a football, Luis. Well, other than using the phrase 'football-shaped'.)



ShoBox 12-01-2006--Garcia vs. Santiago

Mario Santiago (16-0, 11 KOs)
Salvador Garcia (14-3-2, 1ND, 7 KOs)

Oh boy, another southpaw versus orthodox showdown. This one should be a lot faster, however, as these are the little fellas. That’s right, 10 rounds of flyweight action! Nothing says boxing like two guys who, combined, weigh 50lbs less than Holley Mangold.

Mario Santiago, a converted junior featherweight, is making his third appearance on ShoBox this year, having posted a 2-0 record in some very good fights. Salvador Garcia, a natural featherweight, has decided not to go out of his way to stand in Santiago’s way. You’d think that with Sal Garcia being the naturally-larger man that he’d push the smaller Santiago around, throw harder shorts, and generally act like the larger man.

Of course, you’d be wrong.

ShoBox 12-01-2006--Rangel vs. Bradley

Jaime Rangel (30-9-1, 26 KOs)
Timothy Bradley Jr. (16-0, 10 KOs)

Eight rounds of Welterweight action brought to you by the state of California, the Chumash Indians, and Showtime! Let's go to the ring for all the negligible action!

I'm watching the Jaime Rangel/Timothy Bradley Jr. fight, and so far Bradley's best punch has been a right hook to the testicles and Rangel's best punch has been the headbutt. Of course, don't let the fact that neither of these is legal stop you from enjoying the fight. After all, those usually start a good fight when both guys get sick of the back-and-forth exchange of fouls.

However, nobody decided to tell Bradley and Rangel that this televised, apparently, so they've both just been kind of lazing around in the ring, engaging in an extensive 8-round feeling out punctuated by borderline body shots, occasional flurries of what passes for action, and a lot of the typical southpaw/orthodox awkwardness. It's fine for a club fight, but when you're making either your first fight on TV (Bradley) or what is probably your last fight on TV (Rangel), you kind of want to be impressive, and so far aside from a few good shots on either side, this fight has been a whole lot of nothing.

The Most Important Game That Isn't the National Title.

To all that are football fans, there is one game in our times that is probably more important right now than any Bullshit Championship Series-lobbying game for the Dulcolax Bowl in the middle of Dumpwater, Florida. In fact, it's probably one of the oldest-standing games that never has and never will be robbed of its importance by corporate greed and political correctness. What game is it, you ask?

The Army-Navy Game. The fight for the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy.

All time, the Navy leads the Army with 50 wins. Black Knights, it's time for you boys to win one for the Black, Gray, and Gold, because I'll be damned if I'm singing the Midshipmen's fight song again this year.

So, Black Knights. Let's win one for your brothers.

In other words, my brother and I are going to be singing this all weekend...

On Brave Old Army Team

The Army team's the pride and dream
Of every heart in gray.
The Army line you'll ever find
A terror in the fray;
And when the team is fighting
for the Black and Gray and Gold,
We're always near with song and cheer
And this is the tale we're told:
The Army team (Band and whistle)
Rah Rah Rah (cannon shot)
On, brave old Army team,
On to the fray:
Fight on to victory,
For that's the fearless Army way.

An open letter to the AOL Fanhouse--NCAA Basketball edition

Dear AOL Fanhouse folks,

I see by your webpage that you lack a blogger for the University of Kentucky Wildcats. As a lifelong Wildcats fan and sports-type blogger, I think I'd fit the bill perfectly for this vacancy (hell, I'd even be willing to sell out and take the U of Louisville blog spot if I absolutely had to).

Now the question remains: do I actually have qualifications to do something like this? Well, probably not, but here goes nothing.