This isn't my post, this is Jade's post. She was nice enough to oblige my sudden fit of wrestling op board nostalgia by coming up with a pro wrestling-related show review for us. Since I couldn't talk her into signing on full-time, I'll post it under my name until such time as my charm and wit win her over to the Bastard side for good.

So, in other words, it'll probably always be a post under my name. Old School Line Break Go!

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Hi there, I'm Jade and I'll be your guest Bastard this evening.

A rare few may remember my golden days as the owner/operator of a wrestling website known as Impaler. Alas, those days are long gone; wrestling fell out of favor with me back when the WWF/WCW merger occurred and the only show in town wasn't giving me what I considered a quality product. I'm still not exactly a fan of wrestling, but now that my son has started watching RAW and ECW and he and my husband have begun attending the occasional wrestling show, I've found myself back on the fringe of markdom.

Tonight, I had the chance to see something I hadn't seen since about 1990; a WWE house show. Hubby and son were supposed to go with our friend Ben and his son, but Ben got a bad cold and had to beg off, so I became the lucky recipient of the fourth ticket.

The show was at the Pepsi Arena in Albany, NY; about an hour and a half from home. We got there about an hour and a half before showtime, which I thought was absurdly early--until I saw the crowd surrounding the doors ahead of us. If you weren't sure what was going to be playing at the Arena, the mass of John Cena shirts, DX posters and the occasional shouts of "WOOOOOOOOOO!!!" would have tipped you off. My husband was looking forward to seeing Ric Flair, having been assured by one of his buddies that Flair would be appearing tonight. I tried explaining to him that nothing embodies the sentence "Card Subject to Change" like a wrestling house show, but he would have none of it.

The gates opened at 6:30 and we went in. We had decent seats; not ringside, but not nosebleed either. I tried not to laugh when I saw the family seating themselves in the row in front of us. Each and every one of the five of them were wearing what I imagine were supposed to be championship belts strapped around their waists. Had these been ACTUAL replicas of the WWE's bordering-on-tacky big gold belts, I could understand, but these were some kind of generic red, white, blue and gold PLASTIC medallions, about six inches in diameter, attached to big black rubber straps that they were proudly sporting. Must have been a sale at Wal-Mart.

Marks--ya gotta love 'em.

First match on the card: Prime Time vs.Lance Cade and Trevor Murdock. (Winner: Prime Time)

Up until I opened my $15 WWE Official Souvenir Program, I had no clue who either of these teams were (hell, Prime Time wasn't even big enough to be included in the Souvenir Program). I did notice that either Cade or Murdock had blatantly stolen a few items from Larry the Cable Guy's wardrobe, though. The match itself was run-of-the-mill; nothing spectacular, nothing hideous. I might have noticed more of it, however, if I hadn't been distracted by the incredibly loud smark-wannabe sitting almost directly behind me. He looked like Leonardo DiCaprio would if he were playing a beer-swilling asshole, and he was talking loud enough to be heard over even the loudest cheers.

Now, those of us who write or have written about wrestling are more than guilty of smarkish behavior. We usually try to save it for our columns/reviews, but occasionally we can't help flashing that "I know stuff about wrestling you don't" attitude to others. (Hell, I even caught myself doing it towards the end of the evening.) However, if you're going to be a smark, at least try to know what the hell you're talking about. This guy had all the lingo down ("curtainjerker", "heel", "face", "move list"), but the rest of it was complete crap. In between his attempts to edumacate his friends, he would scream the dumbest things down at the wrestlers, because "you're supposed to yell stuff at wrestling shows". Thankfully, he left his seat not long after the next match and never returned.

Second match: Vladimir Koslov vs. Val Venis (Winner: Vladimir Koslov)

Koslov must be a new addition to the WWE stables; he actually got to speak a few words before the match to introduce himself. Mic time was practically nonexistent tonight. I guess if there isn't a camera recording matters, there's no need to talk. Not that anyone cared about anything Koslov had to say, they just wanted him to shut up so they could get to begging Val Venis for his towel.

First Gross-Out Moment of the Night: Watching women (and men) of all ages begging a big ugly balding man for the crappy hotel towel around his waist. Val Venis was never what I'd call a sex xymbol, but since he's shaved his head, he's even less appealing. I can't believe he's still getting away with that "ladies' man" schtick.

The match was the shortest of the evening. Venis did a good job of putting Koslov over as a beast of a man without making himself look pathetic in the process; not an easy task, especially when you're not exactly known for being all that subtle.

Third Match: Viscera and Charlie Haas vs. The Highlanders (Winner: Viscera and Haas)

Good gawd, and I used to complain about Bill Parcells' man-boobies. Viscera's got Robert Paulson-sized jugs. Was there some kind of WWE clerical error? Is there somewhere a WWE Diva lost at a fat farm?

Fortunately, we were spared the sight of too much massive man-boobie-jiggling, since much of that was hidden by Viscera's purple satin PJ's (and since it was Haas who did much of the in-ring work). This was a forgettable match, mainly because nobody thought to give Robbie and Rory a microphone beforehand; I've seen a few of their promos and I always thought they were amusing. A little mic work would definitely have made the match more fun to watch.

Fourth Match: Women's Championship Match, Victoria vs. Mickie James (c.)

Do I really need to tell anyone who won this one?

Smark Rule #125: NO ONE WINS A CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE AT A HOUSE SHOW.

I will give the WWE some credit; they've come a long way with their women's wrestling these days. These ladies actually put on a good fight, with honest-to-goodness wrestling moves and acrobatics, as compared to the bitchslap-and-hairpull-fests I used to have to suffer through on occasion.

Fifth Match: Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match
Shelton Benjamin vs. Johnny Nitro vs. Carlito vs. Jeff Hardy (c.)

Silly me,. I had seen the ladder in the center of the ring earlier in the evening, but somehow I failed to notice the hanging belt until the announcer called everyone's attention to it.

It's good to see that Jeff Hardy has neither lost his appeal nor broken his neck over the years, even though I notice he's not as extreme an acrobat as he used to be (although he can still do some crazy stuff). I expected a big cheer when Carlito came out, but the crowd went absolutely ape when Jeff's music began to play.

This was the first real kickass match of the night. Lots of ladder play (and double-ladder play when a second ladder was hauled out from under the apron), which looked even more impressive when you factor in that the ladder didn't always land in what looked like a very good spot once someone was done using it. I was waiting for a bad bounce or for a ladder to land on someone when they weren't expecting it, but fortunately everything went according (I assume) to plan. Nice pacing as well; every fighter got their showcase moments, and you got to see each of the four fight each of the other three at one point or another. They played it up and the crowd just ate it up, screaming and pleading for Jeff Hardy to get up that ladder and get his belt. There was a couple in the row in front of me to my left who I thought were just going to DIE if anyone but Jeff Hardy got their hands on that belt. The only thing I did notice, though, was that there was a little hesitation on the crowd's part when Carlito would go up the ladder. Clearly he was a fan favorite, but they weren't exactly sure if they should be happy if it looked like he was going to win. Silly them, it was never an option.

All in all, though, a perfect way to wind up the first part of the show.

After intermission, there were a few moments absolutely wasted by bringing in a WWE Diva to hype up the "WWE.com KissCam". Diva Maria did her best to encourage the ringside crowd to start smooching for the camera, and even got a group of girls to kiss each other to the amusement of the horny teenage boys around them. Fortunately, this was a short waste of time and it was back to the matches.

Sixth Match: Eugene vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan (Winner: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan)

The "comic relief" portion of the evening, although it saddens me a little to see ol' Hacksaw reduced to stuff like this. I remember when he was one of the biggest and the baddest superstars. He's from Glens Falls, NY, which is near Albany, so he got the hometown hero's welcome, and the crowd happily went along with his "U-S-A! U-S-A!" chant, which lasted a bit longer than the actual match. This was another match that could have done with some mic work beforehand, especially from Eugene. I was really surprised that Eugene in particular didn't say a word, because every TV performance I've ever seen of his has involved him talking to the crowd.

Funniest part of the evening (that didn't involve the yahoos seated in my vicinity): Eugene getting his legs "stuck" around the ring post and requiring the referee AND Duggan to help him free himself as he thrashed around.

Seventh Match: 6-Man Tag Match, NO DQ
Kenny (formerly (?) of Spirit Squad), Edge and Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair and DX. (Winners: Ric Flair & DX)

My husband's mark-out moment of the night: seeing Ric Flair come out to the ring. I must admit, Flair looked great when he came out in one of the sparkliest robes I've ever seen him wearing; kind of a golden tan with multi-colored sparkles from collar to hem.( I think I had some nail polish on last week that was the same shade.)

He should have just left the robe on, though. There should be a law against men over 50 years of age wearing red Speedos.

Big as the reaction was to Ric Flair, though, the crowd absolutely freaked when the DX music played. Everyone stood up the minute they entered and didn't sit down again until the match began. The guy in front of me was frantically waving the DX T-shirt he had just bought at the souvenir stand, completely oblivious to the fact that he was sitting in near-complete darkness, so DX wasn't going to see him, and this was not a televised show, so no cameras would be catching him in the act.

This match should have been the main event. The one thing I'd noticed through many of the earlier matches was the tendency of the wrestlers to overexaggerate their body movements when not actually performing a move--flailing arms, stumbling around, etc..It's similar to the overgesticualting seen in plays; an actor wants to be sure he/she's seen, even at a distance, so they overplay all physical action, occasionally even to the point of unintentional comedy. Many of the wrestlers I saw tonight were doing the same thing. It doesn't look as noticeable on TV as it does in person, but it definitely made some of the matches look rather awkward at times. There was none of that in this match, however; every move was flawlessly executed and every fighter performed smoothly. The energy level was high throughout; you didn't get that sense of drag that comes sometimes during the longer matches. It was great entertainment, even if you're not a big wrestling fan.

Best moment: Edge and Orton abandoning Kenny in true heel fashion, leaving him to the tender mercies of HHH and his sledgehammer, Sweet Chin Music from HBK, and a Figure Four from Flair, in that order, at which point you KNOW I had to turn to my son and say,

"OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!"

Kenny sold it all really well, too. Not only did he feign unconsciousness after that, he stayed that way in the center of the ring all while DX and Flair were working the crowd post-match, then allowed himself to be picked up and Pedigreed one last time, then played dead again until two referees rolled him out of the ring and half-carried him backstage.

Second Gross-Out Moment of the evening: Shawn Michaels letting loose with a spray of saliva practically every time he got hit. We're not talking a little bit of accidental spit, either. I was seriously grateful that I didn't have ringside seats.

Final Match: WWE Championship Match, Umaga vs. John Cena (c)

This was not a bad match, per se, but compared to the previous match, it was practically anticlimactic. The only difference was that as hard as the crowd had marked out for DX, they went absolutely balls-out nuts for Cena. I should have known from the preponderance of Cena shirts in the crowd that this would happen, but the intensity of it completely took me off guard, especially once the match started.

I can't speak for anyone else, but to me, the last match of the evening should be the best match of all. It should be the final crescendo, the last big bang of fireworks at the end of a show. Watching Cena and Umaga was like watching the gate close after the horse left the barn...an hour beforehand. Umaga's manager, Armando Alejandro Estrada (who got the only real mic action of the night, a traditional "insult-the-hometown" rant that was fairly amusing) was more fun to watch with his ring-apron gyrations and ringside melodramatic encouragement of his fighter than anything that was going on inside the ring.

John Cena is apparently the newest in a long line of WWE champions whose charisma is great, but whose actual wrestling skills leave something to be desired. At one point, he was supposed to be pummeling Umaga's stomach, but he was flailing his arms in such a way that it looked like he was play-slapping it instead. In another spot, Umaga was supposed to be dragging the near-unconscious Cena to a corner of the ring--except everyone could clearly see Cena helping him by pushing himself along with his leg.

Everyone but the marks, that is. They hollered loud and long through the entire match, especially when Cena did his People's Elbow (or whatever it is he calls it) at the end. We left as soon as the final bell rang, not even bothering to hang around and watch Cena work the crowd post-match.

House Show Final Score: A-/B+ It's not going to get me to watch wrestling on a regular basis again, but it was definitely a fun evening overall.