You know if I post here that it's going to be a kind and respectful tone which I take.

Dear Carolina Panthers,

If any of the people on your roster sees a green truck with loud rock music blaring, a driver who cannot understand why old people and cellular phone users don’t have their own lane on the road, and who is swearing up a storm because whenever he changes lanes, people find it appropriate to immediately turn into their destination, thereby further enraging said driver when they don’t use their turn signal properly…Prepare to get the biggest asswhooping of your lives, because that would be me hunting you down. One by one I’m going to get each and every one of you. You won’t know when and you won’t know where. I’ve got a specific hit list that I’m going to run down in a second but first let me speak on this.

When it comes to sports in this state people care about the following: NC State, college basketball, UNC, the ACC, Mike Longmotherfuckinglastnamethatwouldwinaspellingbeeifspelledcorrectly at Duke getting a shitload of recruiting power by doing commercials, and pretty much anything other than professional football, I now understand why they care about the aforementioned and not the Carolina Panthers.

That being said, here is the hit list:

1) Steve Smith
2) Chris Gamble
3) John Fox
4) Jake Delhomme
5) DeShaun Foster/DeAngelo Williams
6) Whoever gave up 4th and 10 to the Giants

First, let me just state for the record that you guys have got a great team when it comes to talent. You contain probably the best wide receiver in the National Football League in Steve Smith, you have perhaps the best front four in the NFL with Julius Peppers being an absolute freak of nature, and you have probably one of the top five defenses in the NFL. Not to mention that you now have Keyshawn Johnson as a second receiver, and DeAngelo Williams in the backfield to complement DeShaun Foster.

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM?

Let’s run down the hit list so I can go take a nap and try to cleanse myself of this horrendous day. 1) Steve Smith- More specifically, a play that I saw today that absolutely blew my mind. I have not played football in the longest time so maybe there is something that I am failing to take into account…BUT HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU DROP A BALL WITHOUT MOVING WHEN YOU HAVE ALREADY CAUGHT IT? DID DAVID STERN PUT AIDS ON THE BALL TO DECREASE THE SCORING?

For those of you who did not see this play, let me summarize it for you: Steve Smith is standing in the middle of the field, Chris Weinke throws the ball at him, he catches it, it’s in his hands, locked, Ron saw this play too, and then for some reason, the ball falls out of his hands before he can make his first step. Are you that afraid of the first down marker Steve?

I’ve come to the conclusion that the ball is weed and the first down markers are the police. You are fucking horrified to get anywhere near said markers! Start playing like the best receiver in the NFL. You know like you used to before you got a hamstring injury and had the hype around you.

2) Chris Gamble- Now, you were out of today’s game so I really don’t have a problem with you in that department. However, you should know why you are on this list. It was from that little play that seemed like an eternity ago, where you are catching a punt. You run a couple of yards and perform a play that made me freeze in place and contemplate smashing my head into the wall until I passed out: You threw a lateral with the lead. MENSA tried to figure this out and came up with the following conclusion: YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT! YOUR TEAM HAS THE LEAD AND THUS YOU DO NOT LATERAL! RIGHT PAUL DAWSON?

Paul Dawson: CAN YOU LEND A NIGGAHHHHHH A CLUE?

Yeah, Ron is probably the only one who got that. I don’t care.

3) John Fox- From what I heard, you were the one who called said lateral and made Chris Gamble throw the ball backwards. You should have been hung by your whistle from the goal post for coming up with that kind of shit. You were doing so well for such a long amount of time, and then you thought up that.

What you need to do is this. Roll into practice on Monday and say the following to every player on that team…The next douche that plays like they are on the goddamn Lions, I’m going to trade you to them for a draft pick. Look at the talent that you have around you, alright, now fucking do something about it.

4) Jake Delhomme- Once seen as one of the better quarterbacks in the league, now you are considered one of the worst, and even better the media is saying that you should be benched…FOR A GUY THAT HAS SNOOZED ON THE BENCH SINCE 2002! THAT’S HOW SHITTY YOU ARE PLAYING RIGHT NOW!

What the hell is the matter Jake? No wait, I think I got it: You’ve got a case of quarterback impotence and the only people who will now suck your dick are the hookers behind the 99 cent store, and that’s because you are too fucking scared to go in the dollar tree where everything is a dollar plus tax. You are exactly what your NFL 2K4 (The football game I play since I don’t play video games that often and I’m cheap) rating says you are: a 53!

Get off the damn field! And stop licking your fucking fingers every two seconds. You are spreading your suck to everybody else on the team who actually has talent.

5) DeShaun Foster/DeAngelo Williams- DeShaun, how in God’s name did you become a starting running back? I now can see why the Panthers took DeAngelo Williams in the first round, because you cannot stay healthy long enough to carry the fucking football long enough.

Oh wait, when you do actually carry the ball, you barely get shit all. I have you on my fantasy team and I wish I had taken somebody else, seriously. Why exactly are you in the NFL to begin with? I don’t see what your strength is. You cannot run to the outside without getting smashed, and you running up the middle… It’s like trying to put a hot dog through a fucking microscopic peephole…IT AIN’T GONNA WORK!

So what do we do? We go out and get DeAngelo Williams…WHO CAN’T DO SHIT! I know that you have great speed and you can turn it on like nobody else on the team, I’ve seen that…THE PROBLEM IS YOU GOTTA GET THROUGH THE DEFENSIVE LINE FIRST! If you can’t do that then you might as well not even bother showing up. We need one of you to actually be able to do something in order for us to be able to pass the ball.

I feel like I’m watching the goddamn Oakland Raiders with a decent offensive line here. Put some spikes on us, have somebody on the team light it up…a blunt that is, and then we can call ourselves Oakland Jr. I’m sure we can get some cross-country teaching program going also if we lose enough games.

6) Whoever gave up 4th and 10 to the Giants today- The Giants went for it on 4th and 10. Tyree, or whatever his fucking name is, caught the ball behind the first down marker…AND YOU LET HIM GET THE FIRST DOWN! SHOVE HIM OUT OF BOUNDS! I have a suggestion as to what to do with this dope: Have him take some Viagra, kidnap him, once you get him to the desert, have him take an energy drink, blindfold him, spin him around, and then leave him in the middle of a cacti field. The rest is pretty self explanatory.

I know, I'm a lot funnier when I get some sleep in me but this one had to come out.

I’m sick of this team and I’m sick of this shit. Sam Jackson, take me out.

Samuel L Jackson: HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MOTHERFUCKER!

Ashy Larry: YAYAY!

Ashy Larry (In a truck): I'M DONE BIATCH! (HONK! HONK!)

Best Wishes
Chris