Skip to main content.


This is the archive for December 2006

I know we love our Bengals...

...I met to put this up sooner, but I've been busy with moving and getting settled into my new home and all that good stuff. But with the Bengals losing today to the Steelers, and being all but eliminated officially from playoff contention, here is an original song by Ryan Parker talking about the Steelers and Bengals rivalry. Again, I know it's late, but deal with it, OK?

[ Read More... ]

Defensive Player of the Year: on the field, not off the field, Admiral Smoot.

The NFL’s defensive player of the year race is, at this point, a competition between two men: Jason Taylor of the Miami Dolphins and Shawne Merriman of the San Diego Chargers. The war of words is already getting ugly, and sides are being drawn. Being a highly unpaid non-journalist, it’s my job… no, my duty, to sort through this mess and tell you how you should feel.

Jason Taylor says, and a lot of people agree, that if you get busted for using performance-enhancing drugs that you forfeit your right to be considered for any postseason awards because, y’know… you cheated. Shawne Merriman got 16 sacks on steroids, so who knows how many sacks he would have gotten if he wasn’t on the Romanowski/Bonds diet. Shawne Merriman says that he’s done his time, paid his fine, sat out his suspension, and still has 16 sacks in 11 games and thus, should be treated with the respect that he’s earned on the playing field.

If this were a sacking competition, you’d have to give the award to Shawne Merriman, based on force of numbers alone. However, Defensive POY is more than just how many times you can hit the quarterback, otherwise Dallas’ scout team would all be in the Pro Bowl for the millions of hits they’ve put on Drew Bledsoe in practice this year. There are many other factors to be considered, so let’s go inside the numbers and examine the roles each player plays within his defense.
[ Read More... ]

Tony Romo: Man Whore of the Football Year

Now, a little known fact about me is that I love to read gossip blogs for the sheer stupidity of what celebrities do. Ron is going to call me gay once he sees the part about me reading gossip blogs.

So it was pretty obvious that Tony Romo was once linked to Jessica Simpson, and that they reportedly had some kind of date. This made Tony Romo the envy of a lot of men, myself not included as I think Jessica Simpson is a moron and looks don’t always do it, and he could have milked this shit to the hills. However, he decided to decline and throws her away like she was yesterday’s news.

Now, according to a couple of blogs that I’ve been reading tonight, he’s being linked to American Idol Carrie Underwood. I’m not a fan of Idol but she’s alright looking, same with Jessica (I much prefer brunettes though).

What I want to know is…Why?

Is it because he’s the Dallas Cowboys quarterback and that by law gets you A list pussy? If so, somebody better call up Drew Bledsoe and give him Kirsten Dunst, since he looks so much like Toby Maguire in his Yahoo Sports photo (I know it was a rumor they dated though; don’t fact check me). If so, somebody better call up some whores for ol' Vinny Testaverde since he once did it, not to mention Quincy Carter. I didn’t hear of any of them getting pussy, yet this guy can’t seem to stop.

Is it because people think he’s attractive? If so, that’s understandable perhaps, but seriously the guy who was now thought to be the savior of the Cowboys is now their Achilles. He’s got both Terry Glenn and Terrell Owens pissed off (I’ll get to you TO if you keep acting like a fucking douchebag. Don’t think I haven’t thought of a sequel letter, Ron will tell you different).

However, I’m going to call it right now that he’s going to be screwed once he gets linked to either: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or Paris Hilton. He’ll get near one of them at a party and the paparazzi will go apeshit and get them. Then he’ll end up on the Raiders. I’m calling this right now, give him about three to four months and he’ll be SOL. Everybody was saying Matt Leinart’s social life was over the moment he was spotted with Paris (Ok, that might be because he’s now in Arizona, but I digress).

I think all of you guys need to go to marriage counseling hosted by Dr. Phil since obviously something is wrong in paradise. You guys suck more balls than Indi does right now, and THEY LOST TO THE TEXANS!

Happy New Year, Dallas. Let’s hope you can save your season. Actually let’s not and say we did.

This is why we can't drive nice things!

Note to Admiral Fred Smoot: It’s probably best to put the double dong down while you’re driving a car. Cars move faster and are more likely to run into something than boats. If you don’t, then you might wreck your car and break your jaw in five places, knocking yourself out of this Sunday’s Vikings/Rams game.

Wreck the Place Fantastic

Perhaps inspired by the efforts of Orioles fans, Detroit Lions backers are taking their war against Darth Millen to the next step. Last year, 500 or so people marched, chanted, and wore Bengals colors for their closing game against the Ohio State Penitentiary. This year, those fans interested in making their Howard Beale “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” statement are encouraged to get up and walk out en masse with 8:57 left in the second quarter.

I trust you all know what to do, Lions fans. It’s time to turn the Millen Man March into a full fledged revolution. You’re from Detroit, for Christ’s sake! Riot!

Heartbreak Hotel: located in downtown Dallas, Texas

The NFL’s most torrid love affair is officially over. You and I watched them from afar, marveling at their chemistry. They smiled and laughed together, the NFL’s biggest name and a lesser known, hidden talent. They were more than friends; some might even say they were meant for one another.

It’s over now, and it’s as if those halcyon days never happened. The warmth of summer love has faded into the bitter chill of a broken, lonely winter. I still can’t believe it; they were so happy once, and now… nothing.

Terrell Owens and DeAngelo Hall are no longer friends. Not after what happened Sunday, when TO carelessly let slip a friendship-smothering loogie that simultaneously struck DeAngelo Hall’s face and broke the hearts of both DeAngelo Hall and America. These once BFFs are now bitter enemies. The purest love has curdled into the purest hate.

Did you think I was talking about Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan?

In some ways, the relationship was always doomed to fail. Combustible, possibly manic depressive wide receiver on the wrong side of age 30 and the hot young shut down cornerback. I don’t know why we thought it would work, but we hoped against hope that somehow these two crazy kids would hold strong to their love, defying the big, cold world.

We cheered as they railed against the forces driving to separate them, as they shook their fists and said, “Damn the consequences!” Now we cry when the world, and its cruel capricious ways, moves on and splits the bond between two lonely souls.

I hope someone’s hidden the pills at the Owens household. I’m looking at you, Kim Etheredge. T.O. may have $25 million reasons to live, but he only needs one broken heart to make all that money worthless.

Lamar Hunt (1932-2006)

What can be said about Lamar Hunt's life that most people, including the Worldwide , haven't already said?

The official crap -

Son of oil tycoon H.L. Hunt and younger brother of tycoon Nelson Bunker Hunt; Graduated from Southern Methodist in 1956; founder of the American Football League (1960-1969); co-founder of the North American Soccer League (1967-84); co-founder of Major League Soccer; Founder and owner of the Dallas Texans, which moved and were called the Kansas City Chiefs; founder and owner of Columbus Crew; current owner of the FC Dallas; inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1972; inducted into the National Soccer Hall of Fame in 1992; credited with coming up the term "Super Bowl." Was one of the founding investors of the NBA's Chicago Bulls; co-founded World Championship Tennis and was made a member of the International Tennis Hall of Fame in 1993; the NFL's trophy for the champion of the American Football Conference is named in honor of Lamar Hunt.

The reality of Hunt -

Hunt isn't a footnote of NFL history, the man's life of innovation IS NFL History. He was the first rich man who wanted salary caps for teams, equal sharing among the teams, and no disparity or disambiguation among the officials. He wanted no favoritism towards his team or anyone else's team. Without his AFL, we sure as hell wouldn't have our Super Bowl or the dynamic AFC.

We would not have Broadway Joe and the Jets. No John Elway and the Broncos. No San Diego and their biggest star, LT. In his presence, we have the mecca of American Football, Arrowhead Stadium, the loudest NFL stadium to date. Without him, there might not have been steady work in the NFL at all. He forced the system to conform to fair labor practices at the time (he couldn't do all the work, the USFL is what got the big money, for you history buffs).

All in all, Lamar did things for the sporting world that most are still trying to grasp. Without him, there probably wouldn't have been a Bulls had he not stepped in. There wouldn't be a MLS that the Premiership is now looking at as a serious threat. Tennis might've suffered without some of his faith in the game. Lamar didn't create a lot in sports, but his belief in the sports brought them back to life.

Time to rest, Mr. Hunt. We've got things from here, sir.

You probably shouldn't kick it to Devin Hester.

So last night Devin Hester set a new NFL record for returns for touchdowns, torching the Rams for two kickoff returns tonight. Hester has six for the season, as you all know by now. Two kickoffs (in his first full game as a kickoff returner), three punt returns, and a memorable return off a missed field goal that tied the NFL record for longest return (108) yards. Impressive, right?

Well, Hester, as it turns out, isn't just a freak with a lot of speed. He also saw significant action on the defensive side of the ball as well, recording a season high three tackles as a backup cornerback. Sure he did get burned by Torry Holt once, but who hasn't? He also made a few good plays and provided some tough coverage out there, in addition to burning everyone alive on kickoff returns.

I don't know how you anyone who watches football can not look at Devin Hester as a legitimate candidate for Offensive Rookie of the Year. He should already be a lock to earn a trip to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl for his special teams work, and I look for him to see more time in the defensive backfield, as well, as the season wears on. This is, without a doubt, a legendary returner in the making.

Maybe it's time to put the kid in at quarterback. Hell, so far he's been dynamite on both sides of the ball. Maybe lightning will strike a third time? He can't be any less consistent than Sexy Rex.

LT2: Electric Boogaloo

"When we're old and can't play this game anymore, them are the moments we are going to remember, that we'll be able to tell our kids, tell our grandchildren. We can talk about something special that we did. We made history today." - LaDainian Tomlinson

Well, it's official. LaDainian Tomlinson has officially earned the right to be called LT2. Three touchdowns today versus the formerly-stout Broncos defense and New LT has 29 touchdowns in only 13 games, shattering Shaun Alexander's single-season record. With three more games to play, even!

I don't think I can properly express my thoughts on this, because I'm baffled. This is something the best running backs in NFL history haven't even gotten close to, even in the old days when all they did was run the ball. Jim Brown never did this. Walter Payton never did this. Barry Sanders and Emmitt Smith never did this.

I'll admit, it's very impressive, and I'm an LT hater. Of course, let's see if it helps them in the playoffs this year. Otherwise, San Diego is simply Indianapolis West: Ground Division, which makes LaDainian Black Manning. Even Dan Marino made it to the Super Bowl, and he never had a running game.

Now it's your turn, LT2. Prove me wrong.

An Open Letter To: The Carolina Panthers

You know if I post here that it's going to be a kind and respectful tone which I take.

Dear Carolina Panthers,

If any of the people on your roster sees a green truck with loud rock music blaring, a driver who cannot understand why old people and cellular phone users don’t have their own lane on the road, and who is swearing up a storm because whenever he changes lanes, people find it appropriate to immediately turn into their destination, thereby further enraging said driver when they don’t use their turn signal properly…Prepare to get the biggest asswhooping of your lives, because that would be me hunting you down. One by one I’m going to get each and every one of you. You won’t know when and you won’t know where. I’ve got a specific hit list that I’m going to run down in a second but first let me speak on this.

When it comes to sports in this state people care about the following: NC State, college basketball, UNC, the ACC, Mike Longmotherfuckinglastnamethatwouldwinaspellingbeeifspelledcorrectly at Duke getting a shitload of recruiting power by doing commercials, and pretty much anything other than professional football, I now understand why they care about the aforementioned and not the Carolina Panthers.

That being said, here is the hit list:

1) Steve Smith
2) Chris Gamble
3) John Fox
4) Jake Delhomme
5) DeShaun Foster/DeAngelo Williams
6) Whoever gave up 4th and 10 to the Giants

First, let me just state for the record that you guys have got a great team when it comes to talent. You contain probably the best wide receiver in the National Football League in Steve Smith, you have perhaps the best front four in the NFL with Julius Peppers being an absolute freak of nature, and you have probably one of the top five defenses in the NFL. Not to mention that you now have Keyshawn Johnson as a second receiver, and DeAngelo Williams in the backfield to complement DeShaun Foster.


Let’s run down the hit list so I can go take a nap and try to cleanse myself of this horrendous day.
[ Read More... ]

Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits: The Nail in the Coffin

Five days ago, I said that the Chargers were going to have to really up the ante if they wanted to catch up to the Cinciattica Bengals. Deltha O'Neal does not want that to happen, so he took one for the team. That's right, less than a week after Reggie McNeal got arrested, Deltha O'Neal, Pro-Bowl cornerback and former Tennessee Titan, got himself arrested for, get this, a DWI.

I can't speak for anyone else, but unless Lorenzo "Leslie" Neal starts killing hookers and Phillip Rivers turns out to be a cannibal, this race is over. Cincy's plan of attack, piling on a lot of little offenses, has worked to perfection, and I just don't think the Chargers have the ability to put a stop to the relentless assault. Just like Frostee Rucker's wife, the only thing you can do is to stop struggling and accept your fate.

It's spectacularly damning evidence, when you see it in chart form, and I'm not even going back to December 2005 like ESPN is, just counting this season. Just since the start of training camp!

The official scoreboard, as always, is below, along with additional interesting commentary from yours truly.

[ Read More... ]

The opposite of Smart is dumb.

I'm so disappointed I can't pay tribute to the best Western Kentucky University football player in the NFL not named Jeremi Johnson with my very own Panthers "He Hate Me" jersey.

Sorry, everyone. I guess Christmas is cancelled this year.

Prison Blues vs Orange Jumpsuits: Late-season Heroics

Exciting news today, gang. The Bengals, after a monthlong silence on the judicial front, have made a serious move to pull away from The Chargers in the race to see which NFL team can run up a longer collective rap sheet over the course of a single season. Everyone, meet Reggie McNeal, your new favorite Bengal.


Going back to the official scoreboard, this puts the Bengals into a tie with the Chargers for team members arrested AND into a tie for total offenses once the Chargers bonuses are factored in. The Bengals still lead in total arrests, thanks to team MVP (Most Volatile Prisoner) Chris Henry, but with the seriousness of the Chargers offenses and the amount of bullets buried in Steve Foley, it’s still anybody’s race.

It’s neck and neck, gang. Who’s going to step up and close this race out one way or another? Will Carson Palmer have somebody whacked? Will Phillip Rivers get caught attending a lovely Tijuana donkey show? Will the pressure of running an offense that doesn’t come straight from the 1950’s give Marty Shottenheimer a stroke? Will Shawne Merriman take out a bus full of nuns with his idiotic sack dance? Will Marvin Lewis kill Chris Henry for repeated team distractions?

I couldn’t begin to tell you who had the inside track here. One team has the numbers advantage, the other team has the serious offenses advantage. One team has ample access to drugs, booze, and loose women. The other team is within driving distance of Tijuana. This is one battle for supremacy that will go down to the wire.

EDIT 12/5/06: I missed this at the time, but Bengals guard Eric Steinbach has also been arrested for boating while drunk on the Ohio River. The scale's starting to tilt, folks.

Check the totals below.

[ Read More... ]

3 Amigos

With Ocho Cinco and Carson Palmer leading the way, the Cincinatti Bengals seem to be back on track. Now, will they make the Super Bowl? Probably not. Will they make the Playoffs? Perhaps. But one thing is for certain, the Bengals have been finding a way to get things done in the past few weeks. With that said, enjoy this random video I ran across while browsing on YouTube. It's an original song created by some hasn't-been Ryan Parker about the Bengals- more specifically, their receiving core.