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This is the archive for December 2006

Hey, is that Hideki Irabu?

After Boston paid out an insane $103 million dollars for Daisuke Matsuzaka, the Yankees paying out $46 million dollars for lefthander Kei Igawa seems shockingly reasonable. Granted, he is Japanese and has never pitched in the major leagues, but he’s also a left-handed starter, and that automatically makes him worth at least $46 million dollars. That’s just how these things work. Lefty > Righty.

What’s next, $126 million dollars for Barry Zito? Oh, wait.

One thing about the article linked that interests me about the Igawa signing is the fact that the Staten Island Advance continues to perpetuate the myth that the Yankees now have six starting pitchers. The real number is 4 ½ starting pitchers: Chien-Ming Wang, Andy Pettitte, Mike Mussina, the shell of the former Randy Johnson, and Carl Pavano’s worm riddled carcass.

When approached by ace SportsBastards reporter Rich for a comment, George Steinbrenner was quoted as saying, "Just what I wanted for Christmas, a new slanty-eyed Nip! I think I'll name this one 'Fat Pussy Toad, Jr.' since the last one was so much fun."

He really puts out fires with his hose.

Enough of this thankfulness crap; it's time to be bitter and sarcastic once again. So, to facilitate that, let's talk about Dontrelle Willis, Florida Marlins beer pitcher and urinary reliever. That’s right, kids, it’s a Christmas miracle! A DUI story that doesn’t involve a Bengal!

You might be buying your drinks when you go out to Mansion in luxurious South Beach, but you don’t retain ownership of your beverage permanently. As Dontrelle Willis found out, Newton’s Third Law: Law of Reciprocal Actions says “All forces occur in pairs, and these two forces are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.”

In other words, “If you drink it, you will pee.” Combine this law with the fact that alcohol is a dehydrating force, and if you’re pounding Jager bombs all night, you’ll have to piss like a race horse, and bathrooms aren’t always convenient. However, the side of the road is always there.

I’ve pissed on the roadside before. I used to have a three hour drive in the middle of nowhere between my college dorm and my home, so I did this at least twice a month or whenever I needed to do laundry. Everyone, rich or poor, has whipped their junk out on the side of the lane and taken a whiz, because we’re all human. You just have to look out for cops before you roll out of your Bentley to see that man about a horse, and it helps if you’re not blind drunk at the time you tinkle.

No more D-Train. Now you’re Dontrelle “Tinkles” Willis. Congratulations!

The Japanegro Leagues

Well, Boston got themselves a gyroballin' Japanese pitcher, and it only cost them $103 million dollars. $51 million dollars goes to the Seibu Lions, and $52 million dollars goes to Daisuke Matsuzaka, baseball's newest prospect, spread out over the course of a 6-year deal.

I understand to us Americans Daisuke's name is hard to pronounce unless you're an anime nerd or you've lived with Japanese people (I lived with Japanese people for 4 years in college, including a guy named Daisuke). But for the love of God, let's STOP calling him D-Mat right fucking now, okay? Call him Dice. Call him Suzi. Call him Kay. Call him The Donger for all I fucking care, but let's kill D-Mat in its tracks as soon as possible.

The last thing the world needs is another shitty unoriginal nickname for an overpaid baseball player. We get enough of that shit on SportsCenter thanks to Chris Berman, we don't need the rest of the sports world adding to that crapstival.

Click below for some footage of Dice's world-famous gyroball.

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Scott Boras Puts a Bigger Kibosh on the Red Sox...

If anyone remembers the history between Scott Boras and the Boston Red Sox. His name is pretty much cursed by the Boston faithful due to him being the agent that was responsible for Johnny Damon's move to the Yankees. Considering that fact, Boras is almost on thin ice. If the Japanese have anything to say, they're ready to throw him right in...

Boras says this week that Daisuke (that's DICE-Kay for you Americans with no Japanese skills). Matsuzaka is asking for 100 million over years due to his worth. The Sox aren't so inclined to agree with him immediately. However, the Baseball Antichrist isn't so forgiving in his pursuit for the millions that he claims that D-Mat wants. You could Google Boras all you want, and there's enough negative articles about him. He's about as well regarded in MLB as Drew Rosenhaus is in the NFL. In other words, both are marked on the ban list as soon as the commissioners can do so.

According to the Worldwide, Boras isn't going to budge at all from his demands, much less budge from his house. To a man who makes teams overpay for players who ultimately go bust, the Sox are now going to his front door to drag him out. Yet, he's not wanting to budge until his 100 million for D-Mat comes. He's also got the consideration of losing face with the Seibu Lions. If he blows this deal, he in turn forfeits the 51 million that the Lions currently have at the moment.

The deadline is Thursday, and now Boras has to choose between his greed and his honor to the Seibu officials. Why do I get the feeling that Boras will go with greed and screw it up?

At what price infamy?

One year. Sixteen million dollars. That’s the going rate for an injury riddled 42 year old power hitter who can barely trot around the bases, let alone play the outfield. However, when it comes to Barry Lamar Bonds, there is only one number that really matters.

It’s not the 7 MVP awards. It’s not the 8 gold gloves. It’s not the 509 stolen bases. It’s not the 13 All Star appearances. The only numbers that matter to Barry and the Giants is 755, Henry Aaron’s home run record, and 22, the number of dingers Bonds needs to hit to pass Hammerin’ Hank and assume his place atop the record books as the greatest statistical power hitter of all time, and the greatest San Francisco Giant of all time.

The Giants know that without Bonds, they’re nothing.

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