Skip to main content.


This is the archive for December 2006

The streak is broken!

It only took them 22 years, but the University of Kentucky Football Wildcats have finally won a bowl game, and thanks to ESPN's gaytarded scheduling, most UK fans who couldn't make the drive to Nashville missed it.

Like I said yesterday, I didn't believe in the Wildcats. When at work yesterday, I talked about the game with some die-hard co-workers and scared them with statistics. Clemson could run like crazy and the Cats couldn't gang-tackle a Christmas ham. Clemson could play well against UK's passing strength. Clemson has Tommy Bowden on their sidelines, and we have Rich Brooks.

Nevermind the fact that UK went 7-4, including 4-4 in the nation's toughest football conference, with a win over Georgia and a near-win against the Tennesemen Vols. Nevermind the fact that Clemson was down a starting cornerback who loves the reefer. Nevermind that Clemson QB Will Proctor is turnover-prone, and UK quarterback Andre Woodson has emerged as one of the nation's best quarterbacks and has a bowel-shredding 28 touchdowns against 7 interceptions.

Apparently Rich Brooks reads SportsBastards, made my screed into bulletin-board material, and then had his team go out and tear me a new asshole by blistering Clemson through the air, stuffing them on the ground, and crusing to an easy 28-20 victory (giving up 14 points in the last quarter after going to a bullshit prevent defense and holding Clemson to a single TD until then). Hey, I don't care if I'm wrong so long as the Wildcats win. If Tubby Smith can take a cue from Rich and do this same thing in basketball, then I'll stop leading the call for Tubby to be fired.

I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong. The horrible beating I took in the World Series has humbled me.

If a bowl game is played in the woods and nobody watches, does it still give out gift bags?

Yesterday, Alabama and Oklahoma State played a hell of a football game, and most of the country missed it. Thank you, Independence Bowl, for having a kickoff time while most of the East Coast is still at work, and an ending time before most of the West Coast gets home from work. Apparently it was a hell of a game, too; shame I missed most of it.

It gets even worse today, because at 1:00 the 7 5 University of Kentucky Wildcats, in their first bowl game since 1999, take on the 8 4 Clemson Tigers in tonight’s Gaylord Music City Bowl in Nashville, Tennesee. Unlike the 69,000 fans crowding LP Stadium in beautiful downtown Nashvegas, America gets to miss this bowl game entirely.

Even if it is going to be a blowout win for Clemson (who is top 5 in the nation in rushing and pass defense versus a Kentucky team who couldn’t stop their noses from running and depends on the SEC’s most explosive passing attack), it would’ve been nice to at least watch the Wildcats losing in the Music City Bowl again. Now if I want to watch it, I have to sneak down to the lunch room at work, or listen to the radio. What is this, the dark ages?!

I don’t understand why you’d schedule a bowl game, but put it at a time in which most of the country can’t watch it, especially since there’s a gap between the Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl and the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, a Christmas gap, and a 3-day gap between the Allstate Sugar Bowl and the International Bowl! It seems so simple to me: one game a day from the 19th of December until the 8th of January, with doubleheaders or tripleheaders (as necessary) on Saturdays if you don’t want to conflict with the NFL’s Sunday hegemony.

On behalf of interested Kentucky fans everywhere: go fuck yourself, Music City Bowl.

Gerald "Gerry" Rudolph Ford, Jr. (1913-2006)

"I believe that truth is the glue that holds government together, not only our government but civilization itself. That bond, though strained, is unbroken at home and abroad. ... In all my private and public acts as your president, I expect to follow my instincts of openness and candor with full confidence that honesty is always the best policy in the end." -- Gerald Ford

First it was Bo Schembechler. Now it’s Gerald Ford. If I’m Ray Jackson, I’m starting to get worried.

Gerald Ford was a man of great accomplishments. The former captain of his high school football team, Ford was the starting center on the offensive line of the powerhouse Michigan teams of the 30’s, winning back to back national championships in 1933 and 1934. Spurning several offers to play professional football, he took a coaching position (football and boxing) at Yale while working towards a law degree. Ford served his country in World War II in the Pacific Theater, earning 10 battle stars and nearly losing his life when swept overboard by a typhoon. While President, Gerald Ford maintained his active lifestyle, taking up swimming, tennis, and notably, golf.

The nation’s first unelected Vice-President, and first unelected President, Ford was in many respects the exact antidote the nation needed for the poisonous Nixon era. A statesman, scholar, and athlete, Gerald Ford was a man respected on all sides of the political spectrum. Unlike his successor, Ford was not a publicity hound and kept a low profile.

Ford was, if anything, a common man of uncommon accomplishments. He maintained an easy, open persona, always seeming like the most approachable of Presidents. He healed the wounds of the country in the wake of the Watergate scandal and was probably the world’s most famous Michigan Wolverines fan, keeping abreast of the Ohio State-Michigan game even while on a tour of the Soviet Union.

President Gerald Ford truly lived an eventful life. Were he not such a good student, you might say Ford was a real-life Forrest Gump. It just goes to show that you really do never know what you’re gonna get.

Merry Kickmas!

You know it’s a holiday weekend when two of the bigger college football stories over the break between the Sheraton Hawai’i Bowl and the Motor City Bowl Sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds is the troubles of two kickers. That’s assuming you count kickers as football players (which for these purposes, we will).

Ryan Ohliger, Boston College kicker, has been suspended for the team’s game versus the Midshipmen of Navy in the Meineke Car Care Bowl. This is his second suspension this year for a violation of team rules. his first suspension was in October as a result of a fight outside a bar, which lead to the real life “Rudy” story of walk on kicker and Greek Steve Aponavicius.

In the important bowl front, USC kickoff specialist Troy Van Blarcom may or may not, but probably will be, academically ineligible for the Trojan’s Rose Bowl game versus the Michigan Wolverines. He needed to maintain a 2.3 GPA this semester to retain eligibility, and apparently hasn’t done so. Kind of brings a new meaning to the phrase ‘idiot kicker,’ doesn’t it?

Also, before I forget, Deadspin links us to what may or may not be, but probably is, Steelers kicker Jeff Reed's penis.

The San Diego County Credit Union Poisonous Plant Bowl

The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl was, without a doubt, the best football game on TV tonight.

What? You want to hear more about it? Well... I don't generally do this, but here goes nothing.

Texas Christian University, the #4 defense in the country, crushed NCAA leading rusher Garrett Wolfe and Northern Illinois 37-7. Fortunately for TCU, they didn't have to worry about defending the pass at all during the game (because NIU's quarterback Phil Horvath was injuried against Central Michigan) and were able to concentrate all their effort on trying to kill a 5-foot 7-inch running back.

To Garrett Wolfe's credit, he did not die.

Let's not even get started on TCU quarterback Jeff Ballard, who ran for three touchdowns and threw for 253 yards and another TD through the air in the absolutely gorgeous TCU option attack. If Michael Vick was a quarterback, he'd be Jeff Ballard. Though I'm not crazy about purple and black, and I have no idea what the fuck a Horned Frog is, it apparently knows when to pitch and when to pass. That's all I need to make me a very happy football fan.

FUN FACT: Northern Illinois played Western Michigan, Central Michigan, and Eastern Michigan this year. Apparently Southern Michigan was too busy. For those that care (none of you), Western Michigan won the fictional Directional Michigan Universities Bowl, since they're the only one to beat NIU.

Happy trails, Coach DeBerry

Coach Fisher DeBerry, who has been at the Air Force Academy for 23 seasons, has announced his retirement from the team today. While DeBerry spent 27 years at the Air Force Academy and compiled an impressive 169-109-1, there are only two incidents he'll be remembered for. Of course with that lead in, I'm not talking about his 35-11 record against the Army and Navy, nor his 14 Commander-in Chief trophies.

In 2004, Coach got in trouble for having a banner up in the locker room that had the phrase "I am a Christian first and last ... I am a member of Team Jesus Christ" upon it, which is a reference to Coach DeBerry's Christianity. He was also forced to scrap the traditional pre- and post-game prayers, despite the fact that Jesus never hurt anybody (unlike, say, Marcus Vick).

In 2005, Coach DeBerry got in trouble for saying that the AFA didn't have enough athletic diversity/minority athletes. He later clarified that statement with, "It just seems to be that way, that Afro-American kids can run very, very well. That doesn't mean that Caucasian kids and other descents can't run, but it's very obvious to me they run extremely well." When you look at the average makeup of an NCAA Division 1 football program and compare that to the service academies, you can see exactly what DeBerry was talking about.

Is it racist to admit your best athletes are generally black people?

[ Read More... ]

The Reason I'm Glad I Went to UT for my Freshman Year...

Post removed per family request.

Matt Simms: Humilating Phil One Day at a Time...

Hey Ron,

Are you ready for the next generation of Simms at your beloved Louisville? I hope so, because Matthew Simms is a fucking cunt.

That's right. According to the boys over at With Leather and The Out Route, seems that Mattie is going the route of such famous little brothers such as Eli Messiah and Marcus "Next Oakland QB" Vick.

In fact, go here. Look at the first remix vid and then go look for Don Bosco's vid. You'll see a real class act there as he schools the other team 41 to 0. Of course, he fake moons like Randy Moss. He even does a few Jake Plummer idiot moments. Oh, and Ron, here's his picture...

The load that should've went to the toilet...

To top this off, big bro Chris had to man up and apologize for how much of a twat that Mattie was. Have fun with this cunt at Louisville, Ron. Of course, feel free to piss on him for me...

BCS Selection Time!

Alright, folks. As I'm seeing this, I'll pass to you the BCS Bowl Selections so that you don't have to puke while watching whoever they put to announce it. Knowing Fox, it might be a complete goober-fest.

The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl

Boise State vs. Oklahoma. - The undefeated team that got shafted vs. Oklahomos. All bets are even here.

FedEx Orange Bowl

Louisville vs. Wake Forest - The Big East vs. The ACC champions. I'm going with Ron's choice of Louisville.

National Title Game

Florida vs. Ohio State - The SEC's prized defense vs. The Best Damn Paid For Team in The Land. Go Gators!

Allstate Sugar Bowl

LSU vs. Notre Dame - Crazy Cajuns vs. Irishmen. Another even game. Lots of hits. I'm going with LSU.

CitiBank Rose Bowl

Michigan vs. USC - The Wolvies vs. The other best damn paid for team in the land. Booty gets plundered by a shunned Michigan.

Wiping away the BCS mud

Well, the national championship just got a whole lot clearer, at least in my eyes.

There were three major contenders for the spot to face Ohio State. One team has already gotten beaten by Ohio State, not beaten badly but beaten completely. No need for a rematch.

One team lost to UCLA tonight, and looked pretty shitty in their loss. Obviously they don’t deserve to play Ohio State, and their mediocre conference hasn’t helped. Of course, they are in the largest media market in the world, so I wouldn’t put it past the ratings-hungry BCS and the crooked Pac-10 to finagle something.

One team beat a very tough opponent in their conference championship and looked fairly good doing it, demonstrating a fast, stifling defense and a good supply of necessary trick plays. They have a big-name head coach. They have a freakishly athletic quarterback. They run the spread option.

That team, which should be heading to Glendale, Arizona for the national championship, is the University of Florida Gators.

[ Read More... ]

The Most Important Game That Isn't the National Title.

To all that are football fans, there is one game in our times that is probably more important right now than any Bullshit Championship Series-lobbying game for the Dulcolax Bowl in the middle of Dumpwater, Florida. In fact, it's probably one of the oldest-standing games that never has and never will be robbed of its importance by corporate greed and political correctness. What game is it, you ask?

The Army-Navy Game. The fight for the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy.

All time, the Navy leads the Army with 50 wins. Black Knights, it's time for you boys to win one for the Black, Gray, and Gold, because I'll be damned if I'm singing the Midshipmen's fight song again this year.

So, Black Knights. Let's win one for your brothers.

In other words, my brother and I are going to be singing this all weekend...

On Brave Old Army Team

The Army team's the pride and dream
Of every heart in gray.
The Army line you'll ever find
A terror in the fray;
And when the team is fighting
for the Black and Gray and Gold,
We're always near with song and cheer
And this is the tale we're told:
The Army team (Band and whistle)
Rah Rah Rah (cannon shot)
On, brave old Army team,
On to the fray:
Fight on to victory,
For that's the fearless Army way.