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This is the archive for December 2006

WANHHHHH (An Open Letter to Adam Morrison)

Ok, I feel like I’ve been shanked in both sides of my mouth. Yeah, I woke up at 5 in the morning in agonizing pain from my wisdom teeth removal on Friday. So guess what I’ve decided to bust out? An open letter, this is one I’ve been looking forward to for a very, very long time.

Dear Adam Morrison

First off let me just preface this by saying that you might want to get your pacifier, bib, and get in your Earl Boykins booster chair because this one will probably require some rehabilitation you mullet wearing trailer park moron. (I’m trying to do this one without swearing). Ok fuck that, you mullet wearing trailer park fucking douchebag!

There, now let’s get rolling.

For starters, I would like to address the commercial that you did for ESPN prior to the 2006 NBA draft. It showed you on a basketball court, talking about some other shit that I really don’t remember, but the one thing that I do remember is the following…”Yeah I cried, so what?” You also went on to say that you would do it again. You want to know what the so what is?


I remember watching it vividly as I had picked UCLA to win the National Championship. I’s sitting in the living room comp on the desktop and watching the game on the black and white (Yeah, we still have one of those) that was atop the dresser next to the fruit bowl. UCLA was coming back, and once they did, I was jumping for fucking joy at the thought of them possibly getting closer to fulfilling my late 8 AM change right before the deadline for tournament pick em. Once they took the lead…You started crying.

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An Open Letter to Marcus Vick

Dear Marcus Vick,

Dude, we’ve all been there. You’ve had a few drinks, you see some girl walk by with her ass shaking under some tight britches, you ogle. You’re human, you’re young, you’re heterosexual… you have to look. Then the girl turns around, she’s got braces on her grill and she’s wearing a tee-shirt from the local high school.

Now, most people (read me) would look away, pretend they weren’t drooling over the sweet, sweet can of some freshman girl, and try to put the whole thing behind them. Apparently you don’t do this wise decision, and now your ass is going to court over you banging the hell out of a 15-year-old girl for a year. I hope she was worth 6.3 million dollars.

Marcus Vick, you are the R. Kelly of the Vick family.

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An Open Letter to you fellow Sports Bastards.

EDIT: Hi kids, Ron here. Remember this post? Well, I got a lovely letter from Mr. Kevin Keown, dad of former Vandy punter Kyle, asking that we take the post down. It's not my post, so I can't remove it, but I can edit it and include his letter concerning the post and the incident.

Since this is one of the first things that pops up when you Google Kyle's name, I figure this was the best course of action. Considering the original post is still up on Deadspin, and there's an article about it on Inside Vandy, he's got a lot more work to do to get his son's name out of the news.

Good luck finding a job, Kyle.

Dear Sir:

I have previously contacted you about removing the link to my son, Kyle Keown, that has appeared on your site for more than one year. I have previously informed you of the inaccuracy of the information as it was first written by Petr Franklin, and how the legal system has ultimately proved it false as well. You may well know that the Vanderbilt Hustler removed this story the day after it was printed and again removed another version by a different writer and then removed it altogether. Petr Franklin was a classmate of co-defendant Sarah Treikal, who under oath admitted to starting the events that transpired. There was never a "police report," only a statement by Richard Kovalcheck that was thrown out when this case came before the appropriate authorities.

This article continues to appear with internet search engines. It has now risen to the top, as the other sites, except for two others, have seen the decency to remove it from their servers. I ask you to now do the same. It serves you, Vanderbilt, Vanderbilt's "community" and certainly my son, no purpose to continue to display false and prejudicial information.

My son now seeks employment and this information has already become a problem for him, with potential employers already referencing your information as a liability for him and them. The libel laws now hold internet sites to the same standards as any other media. We kindly and respectfully request that this information be removed immediately.

Thank you for your consideration.

Kevin O. Keown
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An Open Letter to Jimmie Johnson

Dear Jimmie Johnson,

First of all, congratulations on winning the Nextel Cup. It was a long, hard season, but in the end you defeated your competition, including such stars as Ricky Bobby and Cole Trickle, and won the championship. Good for you; it was an incredible achievement.

Then, of course, you go and do the most retarded thing imaginable. More retarded than anything Tom Green or the Jackass gang have ever done. More retarded than Lovie Smith sticking with Rex Grossman as Chicago's quarterback. More retarded than Corky.

You break your arm while "horsing around" on a golf cart. You race cars at 200 miles an hour, but you can't handle the speed and ground-hugging turns of that legendary street racing machine, the golf cart. I guess those right turns really are a bitch, eh Jimbo?

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An Open Letter to Scoop Jackson

Dear Scoop Jackson,

So I heard that you’ve been ‘jocking’ other people’s intellectual property in your column. Well, while I hate to sound like one of the money-hungry monsters at the RIAA, this is wrong. Not only is stealing intellectual property wrong, it’s also a sign of being a poor writer. Considering that’s what you get paid to do, well, that doesn’t show well for you.

Listen, I don’t hate you, but I’m also not a fan. You’re no Whitlock, and you’re damn sure not a Ralph Wiley. I think you try a little too hard to cram in hip-hop and sports references that you think most people won’t get, but hey. That’s your style. It’s not my fault that it comes across about as forceful and unwanted as Kobe Bryant hitting on a white girl in Colorado.

Sure, your editors (who you claim took out the link in the first place) added an incorrect link to YAYsports, but that’s not enough. You stole an entire character. You stole the name, you stole the gimmick, you stole the premise. Let’s just shorten that rant up and say “You stole.” I’m sure, since you’re black, you will say that you’re used to being looked at as a thief and criminal (I had to beat Scoop to the race-card punch on this one). Of course this time, you deserve to be looked at as a thief, because that’s what you did.

I’m sure it’s really hard to write one column a week. Maybe I don’t understand the pressure that’s placed on you being one of only 5 of 16 writers on Page 2 that happens to be African-American. Maybe I don’t understand what it’s like to be hated for feuding with everybody’s favorite ex-Page 2 writer, Jason Whitlock.

Here’s one thing I do understand. Plagiarism is theft (and this, obviously, is not a case of satire). It’s wrong to do it in school, and it’s definitely wrong to do it on the job. I’m not saying you should be fired, but… yeah, you probably should be fired, considering you did this deliberately, and have admitted as much to Deadspin.

I’m not in charge of a multi-billion-dollar sports enterprise, nor am I in charge of anything, but I’ll tell you this. If one of my writers here at SportsBastards was deliberately stealing from another writer, I’d pull the article and shit-can him/her faster than you can say “Bojangles.” I’d do this because if I was that writer, I’d be pissed off someone stole from me, and I’d want heads to roll.

I guess I just have a little more respect for other writers than you do, Scoop. Really, it’s kind of sad. I’m sure you had to struggle to get to Page 2, and now you’re just stepping all over the ‘little guy’ when you used to be that ‘little guy’ once upon a time. Really classy, ESPN. An incorrect non-link won’t make this problem go away.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go work on my talking football character who I ingeniously have named "Burnt Sienna Prolate Spheroidie." (Thanks for helping me figure out the shape of a football, Luis. Well, other than using the phrase 'football-shaped'.)



An open letter to the AOL Fanhouse--NCAA Basketball edition

Dear AOL Fanhouse folks,

I see by your webpage that you lack a blogger for the University of Kentucky Wildcats. As a lifelong Wildcats fan and sports-type blogger, I think I'd fit the bill perfectly for this vacancy (hell, I'd even be willing to sell out and take the U of Louisville blog spot if I absolutely had to).

Now the question remains: do I actually have qualifications to do something like this? Well, probably not, but here goes nothing.

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