Dear Marcus Vick,

Dude, we’ve all been there. You’ve had a few drinks, you see some girl walk by with her ass shaking under some tight britches, you ogle. You’re human, you’re young, you’re heterosexual… you have to look. Then the girl turns around, she’s got braces on her grill and she’s wearing a tee-shirt from the local high school.

Now, most people (read me) would look away, pretend they weren’t drooling over the sweet, sweet can of some freshman girl, and try to put the whole thing behind them. Apparently you don’t do this wise decision, and now your ass is going to court over you banging the hell out of a 15-year-old girl for a year. I hope she was worth 6.3 million dollars.

Marcus Vick, you are the R. Kelly of the Vick family.

As the wise Randal Graves once said, “Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.”

In other words, to put it bluntly, high school girls these days are up for anything, anywhere, anytime. They get tits at 12, so I’m sure this girl looked like a grown-up woman at 15, but once you found out she was still wearing a uniform to school, you probably should’ve stopped giving it to her, no matter how good in bed she was.

You have two heads, Marcus. Think with the big one… wait, who am I kidding? This is the same guy who pulled a gun on people at McDonald’s. This is the same guy who stomped on Elvis Dumerville’s leg during the Gator Bowl in a blatant attempt to cripple him and put him out of the bowl game. This is the same guy who has a history of getting minors drunk and encouraging them to strip. This is the same guy who has a consistent history of criminal behavior, from pot to guns to speeding tickets.

Why am I not surprised that you would make yet another bad decision in what has been a life full of bad decisions?

Thinking with your dick won’t get anybody shot, but thinking with your actual brain might be trouble. I don’t want you killing anybody because you took my advice, Marcus. So just keep on doing what you’re doing there, buddy.

Just try to pick ‘em a little closer to 18 and a little farther away from 12, okay? While I’m at it, make sure you wrap it up before you go on a spelunking trip to Vagina Cave. You never know what kinds of freaky things that 15-year-old honor’s student has been doing when she’s not studying Algebra 1.

Cheers,


Ron