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This is the archive for November 2006

Good news, everyone!

You know, I was going to bitch about Michael Strahan, but then something came to my attention that blew all those bad feelings out of the water.

It was a phone call. No, it wasn't the lottery with my F-U money, but it was almost as good.

It was my local cable company, Insight, who I bashed for not ponying up the cash to the NFL for the Thursday night games in my Thanksgiving post. So, thanks to Insight TV caving, I got to watch a pretty good game between the Bengals and the Balamer Ravens, which the Bengals won 13-7.

While the game itself wasn't an offensive fireworks show, it was heartening for long-suffering Cincy fans like myself, as the team set a club record by having 7 shutout quarters in a row until a garbage-time TD from McNair from Mason screwed the scoreless streak. Still, defense on the Bengals? A sweet flea-flicker play executed to perfection?

Damn good times. Thanks a lot for giving me what I pay for, Insight. Finally!

Nick Mangold's Giant Sister Crushes Feminism.

"I have a lot of people come up to me and ask since I play football am I a feminist?" Holley (Mangold) said. "No, not at all. I don't think, 'I am woman hear me roar.' It was simply because football is one of the greatest sports there is and if I can keep doing it like my brother, that would be amazing."

Thank God for someone being honest for once.

Unlike feminists, who present with a narrow-minded and myopic view of what it is to be a woman and a feminist, Holley Mangold, sister of New York Jet center Nick Mangold, doesn't want to be seen as some crusader for gender equality in a sport in which, let's be honest, 99.999 out of 100 women in the world aren't fit to play. Hell, 99 out of 100 men in the world aren't fit to play it either.

Not to pick on those dumb feminists, but they need to realize something. Title IX has nothing to do with allowing a woman to play a man's sport, or vice-versa. Title IX just requires schools to spend a lot of money on women's sports that don't create revenue. Holley Mangold, no matter what condition her genitals are in, is a football player for three reasons, which I will list slowly below the cut.

An actual happy moment around these parts.

No sports right now. I'll give something later today.

Happy birthday to our own Stat Girl, Ms. Jade.

Ms. Jade's own birthday Jeter

However, while not the real man (even my Mexican skills aren't that great to get past the security he's got), here's the next best thing.

All of us here as Sports Bastards love you very much. Whoever doesn't agree, I'll personally beat the shit out of you.

So, happy birthday, Jade!

Prophetic Am I Not?

I'm about to copy and paste something I blogged one week ago today. A week ago, I ranted about how Fassel was needed to return to New York in place of the obviously beleaguered Tom Coughlin who has had his damn manhood questioned by seemingly everyone but the damn towel boy since January. I'll get deeper on this tomorrow, but here's the rant in its entirety.


Since I'm sure nobody's going to say it, at least openly yet, I'm going to. Tom Coughlin's gotta go.

After the utterly poor performance on Monday night in his homecoming at Jacksonville, I've had enough. Every NYG fan within reading distance of this thing should've had enough and simply put, there's too much talent on this team for them to be strug-ga-ling [to put a drunken Namath spin on this] the way they are. And don't give me any of that 'they're hampered by injuries' crap. That's why you draft players in April and sign folks, so they can be called upon at a moment's notice and play at a level befitting a pro. If you can't produce when your number's called, football's not your sport.

But back to the root of this matter, and that root is Coughlin. How in the HELL do you give your young QB of the Future [needs to be N-O-W] a "vote of confidence"? How's THAT supposed to help matters any? With the talent they have actively, on both sides of the ball, I can't see this team missing the playoffs. I can't. Not with Eli, Tiki in his last season, Plax and Shockey on offense. Not with Osi, Antonio and the rest on defense. Not with three games already in hand within the division that they are currently tied with the 'Boys on top of. The same Cowboys who were beaten on Monday night in Texas Stadium a few weeks ago, before these rash of injuries hit and all of a sudden, folks forgot how to win.

And allow me to be clear about something else too. Home field's not optional here, it's MANDATORY. Losing to the Bears and Seahawks was bad enough, because those are two head-to-head tiebreakers the Giants lose if they finish with the same record. So right now, third's about as high as they can finish and that guarantees them at least ONE home game before having to win a possible two on the road if they hope to finish in February in South Beach. But... I'm doubtful.

Hell, with Coughlin, I'm downright skeptical of this happening or even being a remote possibility.

Pardon the Horn - MNF Edition for November 27, 2006

Ok, people. Let's get right to it...

Rich Brown: Ok, Ron. First topic.

Rich Brown: Are the Jints done, or is there hope for Eli Messiah?

Ron Hogan: I think it's time to stick a fork in the Jints, because even if they can make the playoffs, Tom Coughlin is going to coach them right out of contention. Not that Coughlin is normally a bad coach, but the team has absolutely no confidence in his playcalling. When a guy like Tiki Barber, who has never been a problem dude as far as we know, calls the coach out in public, then that's bad news.

Rich Brown: I think Messiah needs therapy, a hug, and Archie to come in and kill Tommy boy. I think Coughlin is done. The Maras don't tolerate this bullshit. And you know even the Four Families will make him leave. If you don't know what I mean, watch the fucking Sopranos.

Ron Hogan: If he's not out this year, the Mara family has made a huge mistake. They've got a great team if they can get healthy, but they need new blood.

This is what we're burning on, and more. If you're an INSider.... Oh wait. Fuck that, just click the link.

An Open Letter to the Giant Hack, Tom Coughlin.

Dear Coach Dumbass,

How does it feel this week to be the one New York coach to completely look like a dumbass. I know you owed Joey T. and Willie Randolph a favor or two. It's bad when a scUM thug and the whitest black man in the NFL unite in saying how bad you suck at coaching. Now the 2nd NFL Messiah child is joining in with them after you threw him under the bus during your press conference this past week. I mean, let's face it. You called so many bad plays that Albert decided not to curb stomp him this week. He considered it bad enough that he had to listen to you.

While even a jaded fuck like me can appreciate that a Texas boy like Vince Young can get it done. I secretly knew that you were going to blame Eli Messiah, Shockey the scUM Thug, or Tiki the White Man for your own fuck-ups. But when it gets to it, Tommy. We know where the blame for the Giants sucking belongs. Right with you.

In fact, is it coincidence that Jack Del Rio, one of the baddest Spaniards around, took a couple of years and two black QBs to fix your bullshit? I think not. That's how Jack rolls. In fact, he started out as a strength and conditioning coach who enjoyed a clean program, at of all places, Baltimore. He kept them clean in the weight room, at least. The streets are another matter.

In fact, Tom, are you still feeling a small dick complex because he took the random bullshit picks you made and worked with it. Then, the man actually gains success with said first black QB with Bledsoe complex and wins. Man, no wonder you can't do shit in the No Fun League...

The one national championship game that I'm not watching.

Well, folks. As you saw this weekend...

The Pac-10 referees beat Notre Dame this weekend. And Ohio State is still undefeated.

Arkansas, WVU, and various others blew it. Rutgers and Florida are still alive. So is Michigan.

If USC and OSU happens, expect two things.

1. A really shitty game

2. The earth opening up and Satan skewering the two best teams that money bought in college football.

In other words, I'm spending that week probably dead asleep waiting for the real playoffs to come around. Heard of that, NCAA? I'm sure that faggot, Miles Brand, is afraid of the word. I'm going to watch a playoff system that does work, and I'm going to laugh. Even though it's the No Fun League, they still do shit right.

My two cents.

Guess we'd better make it Fired Larry

Well, kids, Larry Coker is no longer the warden of the Miami/Dade County Correctional Institute Football Hurricanes.

I can't say I'm surprised, because I was more surprised when the sun rose this morning than I am hearing this news. However, Larry Coker, for all his faults, is not a bad man. I think that's been his problem. Maybe he's been too nice to his thugs and that's why they're no longer performing the way Miami expects them to perform.

He's had shootings a-plenty, but I don't believe he's called one parole officer all year in an effort to keep his boys out of jail. Without the stick of prison time hanging over their heads, the carrot isn't as effective in getting performance, as Larry found out. It's really a shame, too, because everything you hear about Coker suggests that he's a decent, classy man.

I guess that's why he wasn't quite Miami material.

Good luck in the future, Coach. You've got a national championship, so I'm sure you'll have no problems finding work. If you do have a little trouble getting a job, you've got a $2.5 million dollar golden parachute to sink sedately to the ground on. That'll cushion the blow of your firing, effective after Miami heads to the Toilet Bowl Presented by Roto-Rooter or whatever nickle-and-dime bowl invites the U.

Thanksgiving Wishes from Ron to YOU! Yes, you!

Greetings, boys and girls.

On this, the most food-filled of all American holidays, we all have a lot to be thankful for. At least, I know I have a lot to genuinely be thankful for, so let me give it a shot. Maybe I can express this without sounding like a douchebag.

First and foremost, I'm thankful to everybody who reads this site, and who has read this website from the beginning. Without you, it'd just be me musing about sports in instant messages to Rich and Chris, and while they love me and how entertaining I constantly am, I'm sure they also like a break from me now and then. So thanks for reading SB, and tell your friends about us if you like what we're trying to do here. Tell two friends if you don't like us.

I'm thankful for the staff of great writers and funny motherfuckers we have here. Rich the workhorse, Jaime the sex appeal, Len the East Coast Bias, The Icon Chris Smith (AKA T.O.'s biggest fan), The Icemann (such a gay nickname) Luis, No Gimmicks Needed JK, Spinler, and anyone I've forgotten. You're all great, and you all need to write a whole lot more.

I'm thankful for our regular cast of commentators, especially those of you that hate me. Jade, The Critic, Halo, Guzzy, and anybody else who has ever dropped a little e-note on one of our posts.

Special thanks go out to all our affiliates and friends of the movement we're trying to do here, from Attu and Kissing Suzy Kolber to God Hates Cleveland Sports and Where Have You Gone, Marge Schott? You all kick ass, and I try to read you all every day. Well, except for Marge Schott, who haven't updated since late September. Still, great name.

Also, thanks to the NFL for a third football game on Thanksgiving! That'll give me the excuse I need to stay awake after 7 PM.

Now that I've spread a little love to you guys in the spirit of the season, I'm going to go pass out from an acute overdose of turkey and stuffing. Catch you guys in another 12 hours for another day full of football!

EDIT: A big FUCK YOU to Insight Cable for choosing not to carry the fucking Thursday night games on the NFL Network. Choke on my cock and die, you filty whores.

Something new for you to think about.

Here's something that the NFL could do with their teams that need to man up, as demonstrated by the celebrated New Zealand All Blacks Rugby Squad.

Hell, I think a lot more of you would watch if the Raiders did this complete with taunts after the haka.

It's MLB awards time.

Alright folks, I'm going to make this one concise. The funny will come back when I get the recording technology working.

Warning, Mama Jade, this isn't going to be the Yanks year...

MLB awards by League.

National League-

Hank Aaron Award Winner, Silver Slugger Award Winner and NL MVP - Ryan Howard

Cy Young - Brandon Webb - Arizona Diamondbacks

Rawling's Golden Glove

Pitcher - Greg Maddux - Chicago Cubs/LA Dodgers
Catcher - Brad Ausmus - Houston Astros
1st Base - Albert Pujols - St. Louis Cardinals (Also helped win the 2K6 World Series.)
2nd Base - Orlando Hudson - Arizona Diamondbacks
Shortstop - Omar Visquel - San Francisco Giants (This is number 13 for him in his career.)
3rd Base - Scott Rolen - St. Louis Cardinals (Even though he's not talking to LaRussa, he's still playing defense.)
Outfield - Mike Cameron - San Diego Padres, Andruw Jones - Atlanta Braves, Carlos Beltran - New York Mets

Louisville Slugger's Silver Slugger Award

Pitcher - Carlos Zambrano - Chicago Cubs
Catcher - Brian McCann - Atlanta Braves
1st Base - Ryan Howard - Philadelphia Phillies
2nd Base - Chase Utley - Philadelphia Phillies
Shortstop - Jose Reyes - New York Mets
3rd Base - Miguel Cabrera - Florida Marlins
Outfield - Alfonso Soriano - Washington Nationals, Carlos Beltran - New York Mets, Matt Holiday - Colorado Rockies

Rich's Notes: Surprisingly, only two of the Cards got the Glove, and Rolen might not be around for long if Tony has his way. Surprising to see that Webb got the Cy, but not really. Also, it's scary how many awards that Howard got this year.

If you want more awards, go look them up. I like relievers, but I'm not putting up the fucking Rolaids Award.

American is up next...

OJ killed his ex-wife and her friend, now Fox killed OJ's TV special

Well, lovers of decent human conduct everywhere can now rejoice. After protests, bad press, and affiliate blackouts out the wazoo, OJ Simpson's TV special "If I Did It" has been officially shitcanned by the higher-ups at Fox Television. It's the right thing to do, I think.

We all know OJ killed his ex-wife and Ron Goldman. OJ knows we know he killed them, too, which is why he felt like it was a good idea to release a book dealing in a hypothetical murder situation involving himself and those two people (even though, you know, it's not a hypothetical situation, but a historical event). Hollywood will have nothing to do with him, and I imagine he gets bored signing bloody gloves and mug shots for people all day, so he's just trying to branch out and fill his days with an activity other than murder and golf.

However, just because OJ and Fox showed a relative lack of guts (aside from Ron Goldman's guts where OJ hacked them out of his torso, that is) doesn't mean I'm going to display the same empty sac. No sir. My fake book, entitled "If I Did It: OJ DOA," is still scheduled for publication. That's right, gang; you'll have something to stuff your stocking with, other than crack rock.

I leave you, humble reader, with a joke.

Q: What's the worst part of OJ's golf game?

R Not Ready.

Well that didn't take long, did it? Only a week and days after proving to the country why they deserved to be mentioned in the same breath as Florida, USC, Notre Dame and Arkansas, they went out to Nippert Stadium hellbent on proving to the world why they were all wrong. Proving to the world why the Big East as a conference will never truly get the recognition it deserves on the national level, when its Top 10 teams can't hold off teams such as Cincinatti.

Now for any Rutgers fan that might be reading this right now, allow me to be clear about something. I like RU. I really do. I think Schiano should be rewarded for this year with a Weis-like extension to ensure he's not ed or lured back to 'Da U'.

However, someone should 'chop' him right in his temple for the way the Knights were unprepared to play last night. They didn't make adjustments to a team that was stacked to stop Rice and Teel apparently wasn't ready to make a stacked D pay for going 8 or 9 in the box by throwing FOUR interceptions.

Yup. They'd DEFINITELY give Ohio State a run for their money in a national title game. Well, with a trip to Arizona out of the question now even if everyone and their mama loses in the next two weeks, fret not Scarlet fans. A trip to Miami and a bit of a homecoming for Schiano might not be out of the question. Two wins and you can book Rutgers on the first thing smoking to Miami as they play in the Orange Bowl.

BUT...that's IF they beat Syracuse and a Texas sized I and a Montana sized F [that's a mighty big IF for those who were wondering] they walk into Morgantown to beat an angry West Virginia team. Which if you'll pardon me for saying this openly, I'm more than a little bit skeptical of considering the major egg they left in Nippert Stadium last night. So this of course brings me to...

O-H-I-O. The Buckeyes are the best team in college football right now. They've got the Heisman Trophy winner at QB [even if Brady goes into The Coliseum on Saturday and takes USC behind the woodshed, his less than stellar showing against Michigan takes him out of this equation] and a defense that's better than I think everyone expected to have lost so many starters a year ago.

So with Michigan set for a trip to Pasadena... oh, before I continue, let me say this right now and get it out of the way. There should NOT BE a rematch in Glendale. Not no way, not no how. Now I realize that for the sake of the BCS, the next few days will be spent trying to justify why we should see this again. We'll hear how Michigan slugged it out with the Buckeyes and hear why if they meet again, it COULD be different. Well, thankfully for me I don't really have a true say so in this matter which is why you're gonna hear the truth and here it is.

The Wolverines played well enough to lose yesterday. Period, end of story. They didn't capitalize off of the three turnovers and they did not make enough big plays, nor stop O-State from making big plays of its own in order to win what was more than a winnable game in Columbus. Last night was as close to a national title game as Michigan was gonna get and simply put, they acted as if they couldn't be bothered to make a game of it after they were hit in the mouth on consecutive series by Ohio State after the initial scoring drive. Michigan should be heading to the Rose Bowl to give ABC its traditional Big Ten/Pac-10 matchup and Ohio State should be looking forward to seeing one of two, possibly four teams and here's where I 'Break Down The BCS Title Game With No Rankings Or Computers Involved'.

Hey Lucifer, pay the heat bill yet?

For once, I share the same opinion with Scoop Jackson. Scoop actually provided an article about something that isn't racially involved. In fact, he talks about one place that needs to be recognized. If not so much for the players, just for the impact. If you're wondering what I'm talking about, maybe you need a history lesson on the little park located on 155th and 8th Avenue, just off of Frederick Douglass Boulevard, in New York City. The World Famous Rucker Park.

What's so significant about the Park? Apparently, you don't watch our recent NBA much, do you? Rucker Park made or broke the NBA's finest. If you don't believe it, then why did Dr. J and Wilt the Stilt decide to make at least a once a year trip to NYC? Everybody who was anybody in the basketball world came there.

The main part of the attraction to Rucker Park if you go is the Entertainers Basketball Classic. In the middle of the NBA offseason, most of the NBA stars try to win this tournament each year. But enough about the Park.

What Scoop wants is something I think should happen. The induction of the man who made the park. Holcombe Rucker decided to build the park to take away the sting of losing the Polo Grounds. From the loss of the Dodgers comes a new tradition, as they say. Rucker provided the largest streetball proving ground for all who considerin themselves a "baller."

Right now, the Rucker family is trying to get his name mentioned to the Basketball HOF committee. Hopefully, they listen. Because where would the NBA and basketball even be without Holcombe Rucker's legacy? Black, White, Cuban, Asian, all have played there. It's time the HOF recognizes that without Rucker, nobody would watch basketball.

Without Rucker, you wouldn't even have seen Ron's posts below. Do the right thing, Basketball HOF committee.

An Open Letter to the Pac-10

Dear Pac-10 Official,

We get it. Okay? We know you guys want to keep USC on top of your conference and at the top of the BCS standings by any means necessary, up to and including blatantly rigging calls to fall in USC’s favor. It’s obvious by now. Even Corky from "Life Goes On" gets it, and he’s not even a football fan.

I know that, sometimes, officials make mistakes on the field. It’s the heat of the moment, you’ve got bad angles, blah blah blah. I understand that. Shit happens; but this begs the question: WHY IN THE FUCK DO YOU GET REPLAYS WRONG?

The ultimate white-guy dunk

Check that out! You see them do it in movies, but now you've seen someone do it in real life. Well, kinda real life.

In other news, white people can dunk. Rex Chapman could, Brent Barry could, and Henry Bekkering can. Who the fuck is Henry Bekkering?

He's a 6'5 245lb forward for Eastern Washington University, and the most ferocious white dunker in college basketball these days. The best part? The boy is Canadian. That's right, he's from Hockeyland, America's little brother.

Video proof lies, as always, below the cut.


I have a newfound respect for Pat White. Hell, I have a newfound respect for West Virginia as a whole. Kudos, Pat. Despite having the same name as a genderless he/she, you're pretty damn funny. Keep it up, kid.

EDIT: 11/18, 11:50PM - Found a better, funnier clip


Glenn Edward "Bo" Schembechler (1929-2006)

According to Detroit and ESPN, the man known as the "Coach's Coach", Bo Schembechler, died earlier today at Providence Hospital in Southfield, MI. Coach Schembechler was at the TV station WXYZ-TV filming his regular weekly show hyping the Michigan game.

It was reported that weeks earlier, the coach was already in poor health, and had collapsed in the middle of the studio. This time, the staff promptly called the EMS rather than let him go on. At 9:25 am, Police and EMS raced to get the coach to the hospital, but it was too late.

The coach had a pacemaker installed from his previous collapse last month. As the old man joked, it covered a fair amount of his chest. He had a history of heart problems before big games. His first heart attack was before the 1970 Rose Bowl. Since then, the man had received sporadic heart bypasses.

Schembechler was also a smart man outside of football, as he was the AD for Michigan from 1988 to 1990, as he fired Bill Friedler for "disloyalty" after Friedler announced at that he was leaving Michigan at the end of the Final Four. Bo said that a Michigan man leads his team, not a traitor. Steve Fisher was given the job and lead the Wolvies to their National Championship.

However, he was villified during his 1990 to 1992 run as the President of the Detroit Tigers. He was the man responsible for the firing of Ernie Harwell. Although the press corps took responsibility for the sacking, the Detroit base blamed the ownership and Bo for many years to come.

After his leave from the Tigers, Bo resumed his duties at Michigan with an office in the football facilities, now known as Schembechler Hall. It is noted that current coach, Lloyd Carr, is a Schembechler student and former assistant.

When the coach fell ill, he feared that he'd miss the big game. We're sorry you did, Coach. There aren't many coaches with the fire that you and Woody Hayes had. Goodbye, Coach. Maybe you, Red, and Hayes can discuss football, basketball, and how the kids are losing the basics while you're up there.


Why Page 2 is going straight to hell faster than Scoop can take it.

If everybody has paid attention to Page 2 of the ESPeeeiN, (Copyright to the Critic.) you've probably seen the coming of the Black Female Antichrist (if you're a Deadspinner) or something of that sort. However, I'm not going that far with Jemelelelelelen (or however the fuck you're supposed to spell this cunt's name).

And for your race card, Ms. Hill, I'm the following: I'm a gun-toting, Army brat, meat-eating, soft-spoken in public, college-educated Mexican-American raised by a White father and a Mexican mother. Be sure to get all that down on a note card nice and neat after you're done giving Scoop Jackson that hummer. Of all the times for Harold Reynolds to get fired after a fucking hug, the 'tards at Bristol hire this hack.

I realize that a lot of you stopped going to the Bristol Sports Special Educational Writers Base of Operations because you figured our bullshit was a lot more tolerable. I'll give Deadspin credit where credit due, at least their bullshit tries to be funny, even if it's owned by the same fuckers who own the more tolerable jacking-off site called Fleshbot.

And the always lovely Jaime Sue touched on what pissed her off about the Dickhead Frat Squad. Now it's my turn.

Horsemen are drawing nearer...

Do you still have all your Y2K bottled water and canned goods? Good; I suggest you hang onto those for a little while longer, because we've entered serious Apocalypse country. "Why do you say that, Ron?" you might ask yourself as you put down the bong and hide your sleeping sister from Zach Randolph.

Here's why: I agree with Screamin' A. Smith on something. Specifically, the tastelessness of O.J. Simpson.

Well, to be honest, Screamin' Ass and I agree on two things: O.J. being a scumbag who deserves divine retribution and our love of delicious, tasty Cheese Doodles!


Rock, Choke, Jayhawk.

One of the best things about the Bill Self era for Kansas Jayhawks is that, instead of waiting until the Sweet Sixteen to get blown out of the NCAA tournament, they save us all the trouble of waiting for the inevitable by losing in the first round. Of course that kills a lot of brackets, but not mine, because I never believe in the Kansas hype and never have them getting past the Sweet Sixteen anyway.

Another Kansas tradition put on the fast track under Bill Self is the Kansas tradition of losing to unheralded, unranked, and generally unworthy opponents who the highly ranked Jayhawks are supposed to defeat. This year, #3 Kansas didn’t want to wait until January to lose to a crappy opponent, choosing instead to beat the rush and drop the second game of the young season to traditional basketball powerhouse Oral Roberts University.

Yes, THAT Oral Roberts University. The Mid-Continent Conference powerhouse program that, like Kansas, got run out of the NCAA tournament in the first round last year. How’d Oral pull that one off?

A desperation heave?

Last second heroics?

Nope. The Golden Eagles won in classic underdog style: three point bombs. Oral Roberts hit 11 21 trifectas, lead by G/F Marchello Vealy 7 8 shooting from long range. Kansas, in true Kansas style, couldn’t respond and watched as the Eagles cruised to a 7 point victory.

As it turns out, being a McDonald’s All American requires basketball skill, but absolutely no heart. But, uh… nice recruiting season, Bill. Shame they got out-hustled by a team they should’ve driven into the ground like a railroad spike.

Leon Washington Joins the Billy Ripken Society.

Now for anyone who's been living under a rock like I'd love to, here's what the Billy Ripken Society is.


Yes, it's juvenile. But, blame the card companies for this.

Now Leon gets to live in E-Gay fame for this blooper.

The Official New Yawker Greeting

C'mon, NYC. It's not like you folks don't use this everyday...

Top Ten Sports stories that we don't give a fuck about

These are ten stories that we're sick of hearing about. Find new things to talk about, Dan Patrick and the rest of you sports announcers. These stories are only good for blogs like this... so that I have something to rant about that I'm sick of hearing.

1.) LPGA to drug test - Wake me up when the PGA, or even the Senior Tour, start drug testing. That'll be interesting. I would love to see who is on drugs on those tours.

2.) Bobby Knight chin tapping the basketball player - Oh please. You know Bobby Knight, you know his history. A chin tap. Should he be touching players? No. Will it probably happen again? Yes. Shouldn't we be more focused on the fact he's on the verge of becoming the NCAAB's all time wins leader? Yes.

3.) Randy Moss not catching balls because he's "unhappy." Oh grow up Randy. Shut up, show up on time, and play hard no matter where you are or get your ass out of the game. End of story.

4.) Boston willing to waste $100 million on pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka - Does anyone care anymore? Maybe you die-hard Sox fans do, but does anyone else? Besides the fact that MLB pays it players way more than they're worth and they bring in income to the team?

5) Yes, Joe Paterno isn't going anywhere. Did anyone honestly think he'd be going anywhere just because he's almost 80 and he should be staying off his leg for a few weeks? I didn't. Let's move on.

See the bottom five behind the cut.

Sixth Sense?

Well, the unthinkable just might happen after all. The Knicks making the playoffs? I said 'unthinkable' not 'next to impossible and in front of unfeasible'.

The recent BCS polls have the Scarlet Knights ranked sixth.
Yes, behind Notre Dame which plays USC next weekend and ahead of Arkansas which by no means is assured a ticket to Georgia to go Gator Wrasslin'. The very thing that nobody and I mean NO ONE, even you Ron, thought could happen very well might happen as long as the teams ahead of them keep falling like dominoes. Texas, Auburn, and Cal all dropped this past Saturday and this Saturday, one of the two biggest bones of them all will be toppled at The 'Shoe in Columbus. Oh and just so I'm clear on this, so that I'm not misunderstood a week from now when this is bound to come up...


Ahem. Fact is, I don't care if this damn thing is a nail, no...cuticle biter that ends in quintuple OTs. I'm not trying to see this damn thing again in January in Glendale, Arizona. Not no way, not no how. Is it not bad enough Ohioans have LeBron being crammed down everyone's throats that we give them another Buckeyes/Wolverines game to feast on?

Oh and if Michigan loses on Saturday under well...any close set of circumstances, I'm damn sure not trying to see if they get it right in January. Because odds are, if they can't get the damn thing right on Saturday with all the motivation in the world (Lloyd Carr falling to John Cooper levels of ineptitude against Ohio State, I believe 1-5 which makes him Tressel's bitch. A trip to the national title game and capping off a helluva year that ended in the Alamo Bowl with a horrendous Hook and Ladder that didn't quite reach the top rung against the Huskers), they won't get it right. Oh and history backs me up here. Dating back about ten years, there's only been ONE title rematch from a regular season finale and that one wasn't anywhere near as close as everyone's hoping O-State/Michigan is on Saturday. FSU flogged Florida by double digits and for whatever the reason, we got to see this again in the Sugar Bowl.

Sadly, the result was the same only this time, the Ole Ball Coach made a ton of adjustments and ensured they wouldn't get punked twice. Think Lloyd Carr's gonna do the same?

Jeff Bowden: The Good Son

Jeff Bowden, ever the faithful son, falls on the sword for his father and gets the axe from the Seminoles.

Fans have been rushing to blame this on Jeff Bowden, simply because they cannot blame it on Robert Cleckler Bowden and his 364 career wins. He, like several other coaches, has reached the point where he is generally unassailable by the university brass (well, unassailable without a completely crap season or some major Bobby Knight-style faux pas), and Bobby hasn’t reached the point where it’s time to completely close the curtains on the old man. This isn’t a 1-10 team, after all.

At least, it’s not yet a 1-10 team, but it is a team, and a program, in decline. I have no doubts about that, and a more competitive ACC isn’t helping the Really Old Ball Coach look good (Joe Paterno is the Ancient Ball Coach). While Bowden hasn’t plumbed the depths that the Ancient Ball Coach has in Happy Valley, a lot of that has to do with the great depth of talent Florida has. Even when you can’t buy a recruit, it helps to be in a sunny state that’s chock full of good football talent who don’t want to go play cold weather games in January.

While it’s only right to fire Jeff Bowden (because he DOES suck), it might be time to give the old man a gold watch, as well. It’s kind of hard for octogenarians to recruit today’s youth, and reputation, history, and loyalty won’t get you very far when the other school is winning right now. Flordia State needs to start winning, RIGHT NOW, or it's time to get a hot young coaching prospect.

Bobby Petrino, perhaps?

I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

To get you in the mood for football today, here's the gayest YouTube video ever. Enjoy!

Kentucky, what the fucky?

I'll go slow on this article, so you guys can properly absorb this information.

The Kentucky Wildcats, laughingstock of the best football league in the land (the SEC) are now bowl-eligible. If you're anything like me, you're cleaning the surprise out of your shorts. I never would've thought, coming into the season, that the Wildcats could do a damn thing, either, but apparently knocking of Georgia last week was just a sign of things to come. And that coming thing is a bowl game.

Lead by Andre Woodson's 450yards passing and 4 touchdowns, Keenan Burton's 11 catches for 171yards and 2 touchdowns, and Rafael Little's 131 yards and 1 TD on 20 carries, the Cats bested do-it-all Vanderbilt QB Chris Nickson, who threw for 446 yards and 1 touchdown through the air (against two interceptions) and who also accounted for 70 yards and 2 touchdowns on the ground. An impressive game from the kid, but that wasn't enough to overcome what has the makings of a special season by Kentucky standards.

After years and years and years of futility, NCAA scandal, and constant beatings absorbed in conference play, the idea that the Wildcats can reach .500 and an invitation to go bowling is spectacular news for us long-suffering Kentucky fans. I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to celebrate tonight. And by celebrate I mean drink beer.

The Yankees get younger

Gary Sheffield, who was pissed that the Yankees gave him more money, is now less pissed because he gets to go to a team who made it to the World Series before making me look like a total moron.

The Tigers get an outfielder/DH who, despite being 38, can still mash the ball like nobody's business. The Yankees get three right-handed pitchers (Humberto Sanchez, Kevin Whelan, and Anthony Claggett all of whom are younger than 23). And these kids, surprisingly, aren't bums, so this might be one of those rare win-win trades for both teams. The Tigers get a veteran leader who has been there before, and who knows Jim Leyland, and the Yankees get young, live arms that they can sacrifice on their altar out in left-center and have the dark lord Satan evil them up another string of World Series wins, capped off by a clutch-playing A-Rod.

Hey, if you're going to invoke Satan, then really put him to work and get A-Rod a hot playoff bat. You could call it Wonderbat, just like Homer Simpson used in the Springfield softball league.

R They Serious?

Oh HELL YEAH!!! Never before has a school stirred up this much controversy and they can only be referred to by one simple letter. R. I think that was a Scarlet Letter back in the days of yore and whores. Oh wait, they put that letter on whores, never mind.

Anyway, my apologies to Louisville for the implosion you had to endure last night. While your win over WVU was a great one a week ago, it was just that. A week ago. Last night, you ran into a team that was hungrier, thirstier, and three touchdown advantage be damned...wasn't about to let the Cards take away its meal. Not in front of its home fans, not in front of a nationally televised audience that was just waiting for Rutgers to fall so they could all say in one collective voice...

"See, they're not as good as everyone said they were. The Big East isn't as strong as people said and we can go ahead and look forward to OSU & Michigan."

That silence you hear in various cities where one-loss schools are sitting is that of them not having a thing to say, because Rutgers silenced em'. Last night, with one second half comeback the likes of which not even the duo of Kirk Herbstreit and Chris Fowler could probably describe, the Scarlet Knights sent a resounding message to everyone. Yeah, that's going for you folks up in Ann Arbor and Columbus too. Don't wanna include the Knights in your national title picture? We'll start knocking off whomever until we get what we want. Which brings us to the big ball of Crystal so to speak doesn't it?

A New Rule: This week, this former soldier will never forget his brothers...

This past week, the anniversary of one of the bloodiest ambushes in history was remembered.

My father was a Vietnam-era medic in the midst of this carnage. He saw the aftermath of the 8th. He was one of the Medics that had to try to finish what SPC 6 Joel couldn't that day. He didn't know the man in this story, personally, but he knew too many like him.

The Sarge (My father) put into my older brother and I a sense of honor that most wouldn't understand unless you too were a soldier. Take a shot for my dad and his brothers, and for all of my brothers still serving. And take another for all the 173rd Airborne who aren't here with us on Earth, but with God.

Carry on, gentlemen.

The grandaddy of college teams wins the important one.

This first sentence goes to Ron and all Louisville fans: Get the rope off your necks and get off the stool. Everything will be all right. You didn't know what that Scarlet Truck was, and frankly, the nation didn't either.

In the one time that Len told us to listen to what he had to say about Rutgers, all of you should have listened. Now, comes the hard decision of the Bullshit Championship Series. If they deny Rutgers the chance for the crystal football, this will prompt all of us to scream one thing: PUT IN A FUCKING PLAYOFF SYSTEM, YOU DUMB FUCKTARDS!

Now I know the Bubba Conference, or the SEC, will cry foul because Tennessee or Florida won't get a shot thanks to Rutgers. Should've played harder, fuckers. (Article about Tennessee forthcoming, by the way, don't miss it.) While you're at it, most of you should go to class more often, you dumb fucks.

Never has the call for a playoff gotten more backing than it has now. Now, it has a scarlet flag in it's midst. Good job to both teams last night. Now it's time for the BullshitCS to get it right. If you don't, get ready for a Jersey shitstorm and offers that you fuckers can't refuse.

In other words, don't piss Jersey off. Some of these fans make Tony Soprano look like a pussy.

The Walking One & Spur-pacalypse Again.

On Tuesday night, the Hawks beat the Cavaliers in OT at the Q aka the Quicken Loans Arena. Atlanta's off to its best start in years and well, the Cavs are...hold on a second...this just in.

LeBron walked off the court before the final horn sounded. What? Nah. Not him. Maybe A.I., but not LeBron. No, really, this actually happened and here's the funny thing on top of a dozen funny things about this whole thing. First off, there's no way the Cavs should've lost this game. These are the Hawks, ladies and gentlemen. Dominique Wilkins and Mookie Blaylock aren't walking through that door, to put a Rick Pitinoish spin on things. A game before LeBron walked out [and who can blame him because after all, it was he who was scored on to send the thing to OT to begin with], the Bobcats shut him down in a loss on the road after they beat the Spurs in San Antonio. I guess I'd take a walk too with a whole FOURTEEN SECONDS LEFT in the game after losing to the HAWKS. Wow. Guess anyone's capable of quitting on their team, even if it's the newest in a long line of "Air Apparents". Now here's a little background about yours truly before I get into the meat of this, probably the single most enjoyable sports rant I've ever written. I'm 26 years old. When I first started watching basketball in the 80s, the Celts, Lakers and Pistons ran the land with the Bulls just starting to rise to power. Jordan was on the verge of greatness and well, things were great. Twenty years later, high schoolers and foreigners have all but taken over and the sport that was invented here, is being won by well...everyone else but us internationally speaking. About three years ago, while everyone debated on who would be better, Carmelo or LeBron, I took Carmelo. Probably one of a handful to do so, but as I told people, Carmelo's got that 'Franchise Player' intangible within him to put a franchise on his back and carry them to the top. To this point, he has proven that making the playoffs every year since he's been in the league. While yes, he made a cameo guest spot in a DVD that's not too 'PR friendly', he's never quit on his team. EVER. He's never walked out on them, even if that game was against the likes of the Trail Blazers when they were losing by 1 point with 3 seconds left. Great players do not quit on their team, they don't quit period. Carmelo, to his credit has been a real quiet 'great' to this point. He has yet to not average over 20 a game in a season and yet, because of how stacked the West is at his position, he hasn't made an All-Star appearance...yet. That will change this year, guaranteed barring injury. He hasn't been out of the first round...yet, but trust me, that will happen. In my mind, he deserved Rookie of the Year and should have won it over LeBron. Carmelo played more, played better and his team did great with him leading the way, as a real ROTY SHOULD DO. It took LeBron three years to finally make the playoffs. default and because everyone's bowed before "The King" so to speak, he's able to get away with everything under the sun. So what, if anything do we take out of this experience if nothing else childrens? I thought you'd never ask...

Oww, my groin!

NFL Films presents "Ow, my Groin!" starring George C. Scott as Jerramy Stephens and Ralph Fiennes as Tyler Brayton.

Say what you want to about Jerramy Stephens' lack of testicles (as judging by the way he ignored that knee to the marble sack), but I take it as proof that the cup isn't entirely dead in professional sports. Either way, Stephens has probably been iced down all week, and we can only hope the next time Tyler Brayton steps onto the football field somebody takes him out at the fucking knees.

I know Jerramy Stephens is a prick (he spells his name Jerramy, for fuck's sake), but there's no excusing that. Punch him if he makes you that mad. Step on his face, Albert Haynesworth. Give him a Zidane flying headbutt. A cheap shot is one thing, but a man does not go after another man's unborn that way. Not without retribution.

Professional sports, in many ways, is a self-policing entity. The league comes down on the unruly players, and more importantly, other players come down on unruly players. The hockey goon protects the weak-sister scoring forward. The fireballer plugs a guy on the other team as a warning to the opposing pitcher. A fat guy whacks a figure skater in the calf with a fold-out baton. Tyler Brayton cannot be sleeping easily at night, because if Jerramy Stephens has one friend in the NFL, then that guy's coming after a certain knee-balling Oakland defender.

Fortunately, I don't think Jerramy Stephens has any friends, so Brayton should be okay. For now.

Fumble Lost

I've lacked in postings for a while. I slacked off. I got sick, I got stressed, I got distracted, and my postings stopped. But in many ways my situation is similar to a lot of NFL teams right now. We're seeing who will step up now when it counts. Which teams can't handle the stress, who are too injured, too beaten down, too far gone that they have no hopes of seeing January. While other teams are stepping up, they have players hurt or gone just like every other team out there, but they have players to fill that void. The struggle is no where near over for many of these teams.

Just like last year, Indy is once again going into Week 9 undefeated. They're once again surrounded by rumors that they'll go all the way to the Super Bowl. But this year they're also surrounded by rumors of doubt. Can they hold out, or will they once again choke when the game really matters? Has Indy changed from last year? Do they deserve the vote of confidence, or should everyone be skeptical of the Colts' chances of actually making it to the Super Bowl? Since they will choke, it's just a matter of when.

Who do you think is stepping up their game? Which teams do you think started off the season strong, but we won't even see come playoff time? Who is faltering? Who is surging? Here's my thoughts on a few teams; let me know what you think.

Assault Weapons Magazine's Man of the Year: Donna Shalala

In a desperate bid to save his job, Larry Coker is now apparently ordering his players to really thug it up and start upholding Miami’s proud tradition of brawls, shootouts, and rape. Unfortunately, this return to badassery starts with Miami players using guns, and sometimes there are consequences.

Bryan Pata was such a consequence, killed yesterday around 7:30 PM in a parking lot from gunshot wounds. As appropriate, Miami senior safety Brandon Meriweather returned fire, but in another failing of their university football program, failed to hit the guy that killed his teammate and friend. That’s just sad.

Three shots and no connections. At least when teammate DB Willie Cooper was shot in the butt, he and his posse managed to clip the fleeing SUV. Meriweather couldn’t hit anything.

Brian Pata, DT for the U (1984-2006)

According to ESPN and Yahoo, Brian Pata from scUM was shot and killed last night. According to Miami/Dade County officials, the death is, as of right now, being ruled as a homocide.

Pata was reportedly outside of his off-campus housing by a gunman. Understandably, his family is upset right now over the incident. Sports Bastards offers condolences to Pata's mother and immediate family. No mother should ever have to hear that her little boy was shot so near the University that is responsible for him and his safety.

Which this begs to question. Hey Shalala, that problem you say that you don't have? Wake the fuck up. It's here. I don't count on you to do anything though. You didn't do anything during the gun battle. You gave a shitty suspension during that piss-poor brawl. I'm going to guess that you're going to do nothing now that one of your students was attacked and killed.

If you don't at least do anything to satisfy the NCAA, at least do something to give Ms. Pata some peace of mind, damn you.

RIP, Brian.

Just pretend it's the Pro Bowl and vote!

Tuesday, Nov. 7th is Election Day in the United States. Now, it's not a Presidental election year, so nobody really gives a shit, but I'm going to ask you all to do me a favor and vote.

Why vote, you ask? Simple! Your vote can do one of the following:

1. Get those damn Republicans out of office

2. Keep those damn Democrats out of office

3. Legalize pot

4. Get "The Stormin' Mormon" Todd Heap into the Pro Bowl

Vote however you'd like, I don't really care. Well, except about Todd Heap. That's one effective tight end who deserves our love (and a cornerstone of my fantasy football team).

An Open Letter to Bill Parcells

Dear Bill,

A two-point conversion? Seriously? It's the second fucking quarter and the score is 6-5 Take the point!

Listen, I know you want to be fired. I get that. If I had to coach up T.O. I'd be ready to be fired, too, but come on. Try to make it a little less obvious that you're ready to go back to your fishing boat and your piles of money.

Good luck getting shitcanned,

The Writer

An Educational Look at Kellen Winslow II's Statements About His Place in TE History

Good ol' Kellen Winslow II. Dad's talent, ten cent attitude to match. Because if you ask Kellen, he's the best fucking tight end around. That's football tight end, you fucking perverts.

If you ask Kellen, he's the greatest ever. Nobody can touch Kellen Winslow II, because Kellen Winslow II is better than that chump Tony Gonzalez and that has-been Antonio Gates.

Ok, now let me stop bullshitting. Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks that Two is full of shit, either. According to the press, Gates isn't amused either. Because let's face it, Two; Gates and the Bolts might be missing Roided Out, but you don't give the visitors any extra motivation to stomp a mudhole in your ass for shits and giggles. You don't have to go to this school's advanced theatre classes (That's on purpose, folks) to understand this turnout. You don't even need to do like Ron and I did, where we took advanced college courses because we're too smart for our own good.

Ocho Cinco Va a Pagar Cinco Mil a NFL Americano

For those who don't speak Spanish, the title means "Eight Five is going to pay five thousand to the NFL."

That's right, our favorite English (now Spanish) strangling Wideout, Chad Johnson, is going to fork over $5K to Roger's office.

After than shaving his beloved blonde mohawk (to which these folks are glad) for not catching the two touchdowns that he promised mockingly to DeAngelo Hall and the Dirty Birds.

Maybe Chad was a little too happy that his former Beaver team plundered the Booty, but he still got schooled by Vick's SexyBack Option and his arm.

At press time, Ocho Cinco is appealing the decision.

For a parting shot, to say your number, you dumb fuck, it's Ochenta y Cinco.

Today's Spanish lesson was brought to you by the Sports Bastards Educational Foundation, in association with TITS. Now, va a chingada tu solo, Chad.

Another Bitching Twat Bites the Dust.

The 'Sheed Rule strikes another person.

Good ol' Carmelo Anthony loses his cool while the Nuggets lose the game.

The other shocker is the fact that the Clippers don't suck...

Anyhow, much like 'Sheed, Melo got thrown out at the start of the 3rd quarter after two fouls and two complaints about said fouls.

Unlike Sheed's maturity and bald spot, Melo left the game like a spoiled hood rat and threw his jersey while throwing a temper tantrum. What class and skill.

In other news, Mike Bibby from the Sacramento Queens was ejected, but without the tantrum that Melo threw. Of course, Mike didn't get dropped in the draft by the arrival of LeHype and D-Wade, either.

Regardless of whatever Melo does to compensate for his snub and possible shortcomings, the rule still stands.

I guess tonight we'll see who's next.


This just in, kids.

The University of Louisville Fightin' Cardinals have proven everything our old ball coach Howard Schnellenberger said about the program's potential, and about the fans. Howard was a wise man; all we needed was a stadium. The fans and players would take care of the rest.

Next week, undefeated UofL squares off with undefeated Rutgers (wow, THAT is a weird sentence). See you bitches there! By the way...
Fuck you, Lee Corso! Fuck you hard, and fuck you deep.

Basketball school my ass.

There's no crying in basketball!

Rasheed Wallace is the first victim of the NBA’s new “Rasheed Wallace Rule,” which prevents players from bitching, moaning, kvetching, and otherwise grousing at the officials.

I’ll be honest, I was quite surprised at this.

I mean, everyone knew ‘sheed would be the first guy to get thrown out of a game for being a crybaby; that part was expected. He does own the league record for technical fouls in a season (41) for a reason, gang.

What surprised me is that Rasheed didn’t get thrown out of the game until the third quarter! That’s two whole quarters longer than I thought he’d last under the new rules that only allow WNBA players to whine during their period… uhh, period and keep the men from crying entirely.

That displays a level of maturity his bald spot only suggested in years previous, so good for him. Looks like our little Pouty Wallace is growing up into a big, angry, balding man with a baby Afro and a headband.

Plus, with the new rules in place, Rasheed is on pace to shatter his own record for technical fouls in a year and about to set a new record for most dollars fined, even if his team did look terrible in their first game of the season. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.

Limit your cock exposure.

SEC to South Carolina: Put your cocks away when you’re hosting a football game.

There are only certain times when it is appropriate to pull out your cocks, and that's not on random third downs when you want to pump up the crowd. Keep your cocks unrevealed except for during timeouts, after a score, before the game, during halftime, and when the game ends. The SEC isn't a league to shy away from cocks, but there's a time and a place for everything.

The SEC has a reputation to protect; please keep all inappropriate cocks to yourselves.

New Rules for November 1, 2006

Alright, now we have constant whiners in the sports world, and the Critic knows what that's about. I'm not linking the site, either. Lord knows we don't need to give them any free hits.

New Rules time!

Like I stated in my Bizzaro Column, the Reggie Ray Counter needs to be above Ben the Bumpkin at all times.

Much like Len, I'm wondering what the hell is going on in the Big East. Oh, wait. I know. The ACC sucks. The PAC-10 sucks. And the SEC teams have lost a game. Don't count out that ugly bastard, Owen Schmitt. He's big, ugly, gets yards, and injures defensive players who fuck with him. You think that Pat White or Steve Slayton can do it all?

On the Scmitt note, anyone who can get me his jersey within this month for my birthday (late or not), will get... Name it, within reason. I'm a college student, so I'm poor.

I'm wondering if Ben the Bumpkin isn't the only brain-damaged member of the Steelers. I'm leaning towards Bill being that way, too.

For once in my existence, here's why I agree with Sean Salisbury. To those who are wondering, Finesse gets crushed by Physical. The Colts lose the big postseason games because they're a pussy finesse team. Teams like the Bears and the Ravens win because they're nasty.

Shawne "Roided Out" Merriman decided to have more brains than his player's union. Let's hope this trend stays.

Bart Scott needs to do like his fellow Ravens. Choose a gimmick. Ray's an attempted murderer. Jamal's a druggie. McNair is a drunk. I think Bart should do the Black Romo, just for kicks.

Speaking of a Romo, let's talk about the one who's actually doing something worthwhile. Tony Romo is still going to be the starter for the Cowboys, which now brings an unflattering light to Shanny. If you read the link, Romo and Shanny have a lot in common. Both started at Northern Illinois. C'mon, Mike. We all know Jake sucks, time for you to figure it out.

The NBA started last night, and we saw the new look Bulls kill Shaq and the SuperHeat. However, nobody brought a gun to dispute this.

Yes, Mark Cuban. Stern the Geek hates you, and I do too. However, keep the act going! You are somewhat more entertaining that half the fuckers on Page 2 or Can't Stop the Bleeding.

Attention G's, Kobe isn't going to win it. Shaq's done. Isiah is going to kill the Knicks eventually. Go with your sure bets. Everyone but LeBron.

Is it just me or is Chris Kaman even more scary than half of his Clippers teammates? Yes, he is.

Baseball is over, so no more Pete for at least a month.

If anyone wants to know my stance on the Harold Reynolds vs. ESPN suit. I've got my TEAM HR shirt in the mail right now. It's going to be in the same package as my "Barry Takes It In The Ass" shirt.

By the way, anytime that Booty gets beat by Beavers is a good thing.

That's all I have, and remember, support your local single moms.