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This is the archive for November 2006

The one national championship game that I'm not watching.

Well, folks. As you saw this weekend...

The Pac-10 referees beat Notre Dame this weekend. And Ohio State is still undefeated.

Arkansas, WVU, and various others blew it. Rutgers and Florida are still alive. So is Michigan.

If USC and OSU happens, expect two things.

1. A really shitty game

2. The earth opening up and Satan skewering the two best teams that money bought in college football.

In other words, I'm spending that week probably dead asleep waiting for the real playoffs to come around. Heard of that, NCAA? I'm sure that faggot, Miles Brand, is afraid of the word. I'm going to watch a playoff system that does work, and I'm going to laugh. Even though it's the No Fun League, they still do shit right.

My two cents.

Guess we'd better make it Fired Larry

Well, kids, Larry Coker is no longer the warden of the Miami/Dade County Correctional Institute Football Hurricanes.

I can't say I'm surprised, because I was more surprised when the sun rose this morning than I am hearing this news. However, Larry Coker, for all his faults, is not a bad man. I think that's been his problem. Maybe he's been too nice to his thugs and that's why they're no longer performing the way Miami expects them to perform.

He's had shootings a-plenty, but I don't believe he's called one parole officer all year in an effort to keep his boys out of jail. Without the stick of prison time hanging over their heads, the carrot isn't as effective in getting performance, as Larry found out. It's really a shame, too, because everything you hear about Coker suggests that he's a decent, classy man.

I guess that's why he wasn't quite Miami material.

Good luck in the future, Coach. You've got a national championship, so I'm sure you'll have no problems finding work. If you do have a little trouble getting a job, you've got a $2.5 million dollar golden parachute to sink sedately to the ground on. That'll cushion the blow of your firing, effective after Miami heads to the Toilet Bowl Presented by Roto-Rooter or whatever nickle-and-dime bowl invites the U.

R Not Ready.

Well that didn't take long, did it? Only a week and days after proving to the country why they deserved to be mentioned in the same breath as Florida, USC, Notre Dame and Arkansas, they went out to Nippert Stadium hellbent on proving to the world why they were all wrong. Proving to the world why the Big East as a conference will never truly get the recognition it deserves on the national level, when its Top 10 teams can't hold off teams such as Cincinatti.

Now for any Rutgers fan that might be reading this right now, allow me to be clear about something. I like RU. I really do. I think Schiano should be rewarded for this year with a Weis-like extension to ensure he's not ed or lured back to 'Da U'.

However, someone should 'chop' him right in his temple for the way the Knights were unprepared to play last night. They didn't make adjustments to a team that was stacked to stop Rice and Teel apparently wasn't ready to make a stacked D pay for going 8 or 9 in the box by throwing FOUR interceptions.

Yup. They'd DEFINITELY give Ohio State a run for their money in a national title game. Well, with a trip to Arizona out of the question now even if everyone and their mama loses in the next two weeks, fret not Scarlet fans. A trip to Miami and a bit of a homecoming for Schiano might not be out of the question. Two wins and you can book Rutgers on the first thing smoking to Miami as they play in the Orange Bowl.

BUT...that's IF they beat Syracuse and a Texas sized I and a Montana sized F [that's a mighty big IF for those who were wondering] they walk into Morgantown to beat an angry West Virginia team. Which if you'll pardon me for saying this openly, I'm more than a little bit skeptical of considering the major egg they left in Nippert Stadium last night. So this of course brings me to...

O-H-I-O. The Buckeyes are the best team in college football right now. They've got the Heisman Trophy winner at QB [even if Brady goes into The Coliseum on Saturday and takes USC behind the woodshed, his less than stellar showing against Michigan takes him out of this equation] and a defense that's better than I think everyone expected to have lost so many starters a year ago.

So with Michigan set for a trip to Pasadena... oh, before I continue, let me say this right now and get it out of the way. There should NOT BE a rematch in Glendale. Not no way, not no how. Now I realize that for the sake of the BCS, the next few days will be spent trying to justify why we should see this again. We'll hear how Michigan slugged it out with the Buckeyes and hear why if they meet again, it COULD be different. Well, thankfully for me I don't really have a true say so in this matter which is why you're gonna hear the truth and here it is.

The Wolverines played well enough to lose yesterday. Period, end of story. They didn't capitalize off of the three turnovers and they did not make enough big plays, nor stop O-State from making big plays of its own in order to win what was more than a winnable game in Columbus. Last night was as close to a national title game as Michigan was gonna get and simply put, they acted as if they couldn't be bothered to make a game of it after they were hit in the mouth on consecutive series by Ohio State after the initial scoring drive. Michigan should be heading to the Rose Bowl to give ABC its traditional Big Ten/Pac-10 matchup and Ohio State should be looking forward to seeing one of two, possibly four teams and here's where I 'Break Down The BCS Title Game With No Rankings Or Computers Involved'.

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I have a newfound respect for Pat White. Hell, I have a newfound respect for West Virginia as a whole. Kudos, Pat. Despite having the same name as a genderless he/she, you're pretty damn funny. Keep it up, kid.

EDIT: 11/18, 11:50PM - Found a better, funnier clip


Sixth Sense?

Well, the unthinkable just might happen after all. The Knicks making the playoffs? I said 'unthinkable' not 'next to impossible and in front of unfeasible'.

The recent BCS polls have the Scarlet Knights ranked sixth.
Yes, behind Notre Dame which plays USC next weekend and ahead of Arkansas which by no means is assured a ticket to Georgia to go Gator Wrasslin'. The very thing that nobody and I mean NO ONE, even you Ron, thought could happen very well might happen as long as the teams ahead of them keep falling like dominoes. Texas, Auburn, and Cal all dropped this past Saturday and this Saturday, one of the two biggest bones of them all will be toppled at The 'Shoe in Columbus. Oh and just so I'm clear on this, so that I'm not misunderstood a week from now when this is bound to come up...


Ahem. Fact is, I don't care if this damn thing is a nail, no...cuticle biter that ends in quintuple OTs. I'm not trying to see this damn thing again in January in Glendale, Arizona. Not no way, not no how. Is it not bad enough Ohioans have LeBron being crammed down everyone's throats that we give them another Buckeyes/Wolverines game to feast on?

Oh and if Michigan loses on Saturday under well...any close set of circumstances, I'm damn sure not trying to see if they get it right in January. Because odds are, if they can't get the damn thing right on Saturday with all the motivation in the world (Lloyd Carr falling to John Cooper levels of ineptitude against Ohio State, I believe 1-5 which makes him Tressel's bitch. A trip to the national title game and capping off a helluva year that ended in the Alamo Bowl with a horrendous Hook and Ladder that didn't quite reach the top rung against the Huskers), they won't get it right. Oh and history backs me up here. Dating back about ten years, there's only been ONE title rematch from a regular season finale and that one wasn't anywhere near as close as everyone's hoping O-State/Michigan is on Saturday. FSU flogged Florida by double digits and for whatever the reason, we got to see this again in the Sugar Bowl.

Sadly, the result was the same only this time, the Ole Ball Coach made a ton of adjustments and ensured they wouldn't get punked twice. Think Lloyd Carr's gonna do the same?
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Jeff Bowden: The Good Son

Jeff Bowden, ever the faithful son, falls on the sword for his father and gets the axe from the Seminoles.

Fans have been rushing to blame this on Jeff Bowden, simply because they cannot blame it on Robert Cleckler Bowden and his 364 career wins. He, like several other coaches, has reached the point where he is generally unassailable by the university brass (well, unassailable without a completely crap season or some major Bobby Knight-style faux pas), and Bobby hasn’t reached the point where it’s time to completely close the curtains on the old man. This isn’t a 1-10 team, after all.

At least, it’s not yet a 1-10 team, but it is a team, and a program, in decline. I have no doubts about that, and a more competitive ACC isn’t helping the Really Old Ball Coach look good (Joe Paterno is the Ancient Ball Coach). While Bowden hasn’t plumbed the depths that the Ancient Ball Coach has in Happy Valley, a lot of that has to do with the great depth of talent Florida has. Even when you can’t buy a recruit, it helps to be in a sunny state that’s chock full of good football talent who don’t want to go play cold weather games in January.

While it’s only right to fire Jeff Bowden (because he DOES suck), it might be time to give the old man a gold watch, as well. It’s kind of hard for octogenarians to recruit today’s youth, and reputation, history, and loyalty won’t get you very far when the other school is winning right now. Flordia State needs to start winning, RIGHT NOW, or it's time to get a hot young coaching prospect.

Bobby Petrino, perhaps?

Kentucky, what the fucky?

I'll go slow on this article, so you guys can properly absorb this information.

The Kentucky Wildcats, laughingstock of the best football league in the land (the SEC) are now bowl-eligible. If you're anything like me, you're cleaning the surprise out of your shorts. I never would've thought, coming into the season, that the Wildcats could do a damn thing, either, but apparently knocking of Georgia last week was just a sign of things to come. And that coming thing is a bowl game.

Lead by Andre Woodson's 450yards passing and 4 touchdowns, Keenan Burton's 11 catches for 171yards and 2 touchdowns, and Rafael Little's 131 yards and 1 TD on 20 carries, the Cats bested do-it-all Vanderbilt QB Chris Nickson, who threw for 446 yards and 1 touchdown through the air (against two interceptions) and who also accounted for 70 yards and 2 touchdowns on the ground. An impressive game from the kid, but that wasn't enough to overcome what has the makings of a special season by Kentucky standards.

After years and years and years of futility, NCAA scandal, and constant beatings absorbed in conference play, the idea that the Wildcats can reach .500 and an invitation to go bowling is spectacular news for us long-suffering Kentucky fans. I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to celebrate tonight. And by celebrate I mean drink beer.

R They Serious?

Oh HELL YEAH!!! Never before has a school stirred up this much controversy and they can only be referred to by one simple letter. R. I think that was a Scarlet Letter back in the days of yore and whores. Oh wait, they put that letter on whores, never mind.

Anyway, my apologies to Louisville for the implosion you had to endure last night. While your win over WVU was a great one a week ago, it was just that. A week ago. Last night, you ran into a team that was hungrier, thirstier, and three touchdown advantage be damned...wasn't about to let the Cards take away its meal. Not in front of its home fans, not in front of a nationally televised audience that was just waiting for Rutgers to fall so they could all say in one collective voice...

"See, they're not as good as everyone said they were. The Big East isn't as strong as people said and we can go ahead and look forward to OSU & Michigan."

That silence you hear in various cities where one-loss schools are sitting is that of them not having a thing to say, because Rutgers silenced em'. Last night, with one second half comeback the likes of which not even the duo of Kirk Herbstreit and Chris Fowler could probably describe, the Scarlet Knights sent a resounding message to everyone. Yeah, that's going for you folks up in Ann Arbor and Columbus too. Don't wanna include the Knights in your national title picture? We'll start knocking off whomever until we get what we want. Which brings us to the big ball of Crystal so to speak doesn't it?
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The grandaddy of college teams wins the important one.

This first sentence goes to Ron and all Louisville fans: Get the rope off your necks and get off the stool. Everything will be all right. You didn't know what that Scarlet Truck was, and frankly, the nation didn't either.

In the one time that Len told us to listen to what he had to say about Rutgers, all of you should have listened. Now, comes the hard decision of the Bullshit Championship Series. If they deny Rutgers the chance for the crystal football, this will prompt all of us to scream one thing: PUT IN A FUCKING PLAYOFF SYSTEM, YOU DUMB FUCKTARDS!

Now I know the Bubba Conference, or the SEC, will cry foul because Tennessee or Florida won't get a shot thanks to Rutgers. Should've played harder, fuckers. (Article about Tennessee forthcoming, by the way, don't miss it.) While you're at it, most of you should go to class more often, you dumb fucks.

Never has the call for a playoff gotten more backing than it has now. Now, it has a scarlet flag in it's midst. Good job to both teams last night. Now it's time for the BullshitCS to get it right. If you don't, get ready for a Jersey shitstorm and offers that you fuckers can't refuse.

In other words, don't piss Jersey off. Some of these fans make Tony Soprano look like a pussy.

Assault Weapons Magazine's Man of the Year: Donna Shalala

In a desperate bid to save his job, Larry Coker is now apparently ordering his players to really thug it up and start upholding Miami’s proud tradition of brawls, shootouts, and rape. Unfortunately, this return to badassery starts with Miami players using guns, and sometimes there are consequences.

Bryan Pata was such a consequence, killed yesterday around 7:30 PM in a parking lot from gunshot wounds. As appropriate, Miami senior safety Brandon Meriweather returned fire, but in another failing of their university football program, failed to hit the guy that killed his teammate and friend. That’s just sad.

Three shots and no connections. At least when teammate DB Willie Cooper was shot in the butt, he and his posse managed to clip the fleeing SUV. Meriweather couldn’t hit anything.
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Brian Pata, DT for the U (1984-2006)

According to ESPN and Yahoo, Brian Pata from scUM was shot and killed last night. According to Miami/Dade County officials, the death is, as of right now, being ruled as a homocide.

Pata was reportedly outside of his off-campus housing by a gunman. Understandably, his family is upset right now over the incident. Sports Bastards offers condolences to Pata's mother and immediate family. No mother should ever have to hear that her little boy was shot so near the University that is responsible for him and his safety.

Which this begs to question. Hey Shalala, that problem you say that you don't have? Wake the fuck up. It's here. I don't count on you to do anything though. You didn't do anything during the gun battle. You gave a shitty suspension during that piss-poor brawl. I'm going to guess that you're going to do nothing now that one of your students was attacked and killed.

If you don't at least do anything to satisfy the NCAA, at least do something to give Ms. Pata some peace of mind, damn you.

RIP, Brian.


This just in, kids.

The University of Louisville Fightin' Cardinals have proven everything our old ball coach Howard Schnellenberger said about the program's potential, and about the fans. Howard was a wise man; all we needed was a stadium. The fans and players would take care of the rest.

Next week, undefeated UofL squares off with undefeated Rutgers (wow, THAT is a weird sentence). See you bitches there! By the way...
Fuck you, Lee Corso! Fuck you hard, and fuck you deep.

Basketball school my ass.

Limit your cock exposure.

SEC to South Carolina: Put your cocks away when you’re hosting a football game.

There are only certain times when it is appropriate to pull out your cocks, and that's not on random third downs when you want to pump up the crowd. Keep your cocks unrevealed except for during timeouts, after a score, before the game, during halftime, and when the game ends. The SEC isn't a league to shy away from cocks, but there's a time and a place for everything.

The SEC has a reputation to protect; please keep all inappropriate cocks to yourselves.