In a desperate bid to save his job, Larry Coker is now apparently ordering his players to really thug it up and start upholding Miami’s proud tradition of brawls, shootouts, and rape. Unfortunately, this return to badassery starts with Miami players using guns, and sometimes there are consequences.

Bryan Pata was such a consequence, killed yesterday around 7:30 PM in a parking lot from gunshot wounds. As appropriate, Miami senior safety Brandon Meriweather returned fire, but in another failing of their university football program, failed to hit the guy that killed his teammate and friend. That’s just sad.

Three shots and no connections. At least when teammate DB Willie Cooper was shot in the butt, he and his posse managed to clip the fleeing SUV. Meriweather couldn’t hit anything.
Rich believes this is the University’s fault for not protecting its players, and I agree. So I have a solution that will keep Miami’s thugs safe and boost their reputation amongst the murder friendly rap community. Mandatory firearms training.

That’s right, gang, I went there.

These guys are going to have guns. Let’s be real. They do go to the U. Even more damning, most of them live in Miami itself, so they need those guns to protect themselves from Cubans, drug-dealers, and other UM football players. So if they have guns, they may as well know how to use them.

Nothing gives you less street cred than shooting yourself in the cock while trying to draw your automatic from the waistband of your stretchy football pants. It’s the only thing more embarrassing than shooting at someone who killed your friend and not getting sweet “Die Hard” revenge. Obviously these guys aren’t going to stay out of trouble, or situations where they can get into trouble (like I said, they’re dumb jocks at Miami), and they won’t go to the police or even the coaches to get a little protection.

It’s the only sensible solution. Besides, we might get lucky and someone will accidentally bust a cap in Donna Shalala’s empty skull. Booya!