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An Open Letter to the Giant Hack, Tom Coughlin.

Dear Coach Dumbass,

How does it feel this week to be the one New York coach to completely look like a dumbass. I know you owed Joey T. and Willie Randolph a favor or two. It's bad when a scUM thug and the whitest black man in the NFL unite in saying how bad you suck at coaching. Now the 2nd NFL Messiah child is joining in with them after you threw him under the bus during your press conference this past week. I mean, let's face it. You called so many bad plays that Albert decided not to curb stomp him this week. He considered it bad enough that he had to listen to you.

While even a jaded fuck like me can appreciate that a Texas boy like Vince Young can get it done. I secretly knew that you were going to blame Eli Messiah, Shockey the scUM Thug, or Tiki the White Man for your own fuck-ups. But when it gets to it, Tommy. We know where the blame for the Giants sucking belongs. Right with you.

In fact, is it coincidence that Jack Del Rio, one of the baddest Spaniards around, took a couple of years and two black QBs to fix your bullshit? I think not. That's how Jack rolls. In fact, he started out as a strength and conditioning coach who enjoyed a clean program, at of all places, Baltimore. He kept them clean in the weight room, at least. The streets are another matter.

In fact, Tom, are you still feeling a small dick complex because he took the random bullshit picks you made and worked with it. Then, the man actually gains success with said first black QB with Bledsoe complex and wins. Man, no wonder you can't do shit in the No Fun League...

Now it's no secret where Tom's getting his fucking idiotic plays from. I can give a hint. Awful Announcing told you fuckers where Shell got his from. And I think Tom's diving in the same book. Which one? The Tecmo Bowl book...

If you don't think this looks like the book, perhaps we could get more complicated with it...

I doubt this is Tom's book though. It does look too complicated for a knuckle dragging fucker like him. At least Parcells and his man tits got with the fucking times.

Now, I know you think Eli Messiah is Peyton "The General" Messiah, but he's not. He's still a kid trying to figure out what kind of a fuckhead coach he's dealing with. For David Cutcliffe's sake, he was a knuckle dragging retard because he's coaching in the SEC, and retarded is a broad fucking term in the SEC. However, Tommy C., you're in the NFL. The knuckle dragging retard as a coach went the way of the Dinosaur when they finally threw Jim Mora, Sr. the fuck out of the NFL. (However, some retards find their way back in, too. Mostly on the radio like Jim Sr.) They now put these retards in the front office.

We know you like to put the players you think are the problem in order to get the Mara and Tisch families off of your ass. However, you should remember that both families have been in football longer than you've been fucking up as a head coach over at Rochester Institute of Technology. (That's right, folks. Look up the wiki if you need to.) Unlike the Ford morons in Detroit, they know a fuck up when they see one. That's why a lot of coaches that didn't cut the mustard left fast. In fact, Parcells is the only one that pretty much came and went as he pleased.

We all know that you want to get out of your teacher's shadow, and Tuna's got a very big shadow. (Not talking about his man tits now, Tommy. Pay attention.) The only Tuna Padawans getting it right at the moment are everybody but you...

And you want that family repeated. Sure, I can do that for you. Belichick and his nappy sweatshirt. The dapper don of San Francisco, Mike Nolan. The Patron Saint of comebacks, Sean Payton. The Flattopped Irish Leader, Charlie Weis. Finally, the other NYC coach, Eric Mangini. The one coach who took a bad QB like Pennington and made him better.

So, considering all things, Tom. You have very little mistake room. The NFL Master, Tuna, is ahead of you now with Romo and his Romosexual fan club. You're the only NFC 2nd place club that's above .500 in the standing. If ESPN's writers who suffer from ADD have their way, they'd give your playoff spot to an AFC team. The bad part is, I do agree with them.

With how fucking stupid you act about your plan, one would think it's a good one. Yet, it's not good. It's not even sub standard. It's just shitty. Shockey's called you out on it. Tiki's called you out on it. Don't be too surprised if you see Archie Manning leaving your office and you getting a pink slip at the end of the season.

Good riddance to bad coaches like you, Tom. Maybe Del Rio has an opening in Jacksonville for a Special Teams Coach, or something that doesn't require too much thinking. But then, I'd doubt that Jacksonville wants you to fuck up a field goal opportunity...
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