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This is the archive for February 2007

Hey Bayless, fuck you!

This one goes directly to the Vanderbilt graduate cunt named John Edward "Skip" Bayless. The same man who said that the Tennessee fun only goes one way. He said that Pat Summitt wouldn't even pull off a stunt to equal what he called Bruce Pearl's "classless" stunt. Skip, do us a favor, sir: retire or kill yourself. After this picture, who says that you aren't going to Wal-Mart for your rope?

Eat it, Skip.

And to prove how quality Pat was, she even sang "Rocky Top". Oh, and the men's team also destroyed "The African Viking" Joakim Noah and his Florida Gators. I'm sure those sports fans at the hardware store will give you free items to end it all, Skipper...

Shaun Livingston Has Time For That Degree Now...

As everyone probably saw on ESPN, Shaun Livingston got one of the more manly injuries by purely freak accident. He managed dislocate his kneecap. That's not all, however. He also managed to tear every ligament in his knee. The good news, he didn't break any blood vessels or damage any major nerves.

A warning for all who watch this clip, we warn you that this is not for the squeamish. If you get sick, not my fault. I warned you.

Livingston is expected out for 8 to 12 months. No matter how much any of you "manly" (read: fat pussy toads) morons might say that an NFL or NHL player would have finished the game... Let's get realistic, not even Romanowski and his insanity would get up from this. As most are predicting, Shaun's career is practically over. If he rehabs well, he's going to have to relearn how to move with a brace like seen on Stone Cold Steve Austin. Considering the fact that his other knee was already damaged, it's going to be a long road.

Shaun take a bit of time and relax, get into college like you didn't want to. A degree might do you good right now, son...

Just wave the damn flag

I was going to write a blog about NASCAR's first race using unleaded fuel or how yet another driver, Matt Kenseth, swept both races this weekend. Or if I was really desperate and if I liked the guy, I could even write about Junior's common problem of being in a big points hole with the start of the season.

But instead, today's blog is dedicated to the five things NASCAR is doing to make their races and the sport in general more lame, boring or just fucking annoying. The list is not sorted or ranked in any particular order.

1) The pre-race concerts being televised. I honestly have never had the pleasure of attending a race, with none in close proximity, so I can't say whether they've always had them and just not televised them. But enough is enough. We can forgive you one pre-race concert with the Daytona 500... but are you seriously going to start airing a pre-race concert every single fucking time? We don't tune in to watch two hours of pre-race and a music concert. We tune in for you to drop the fucking green flag and let's go racing. If we wanted to listen to music we'd tune into MTV and VH1 between the hours of 1am and 6am.

2) Repeating tracks Yes, we understand there are some tracks that you have been going to over and over again. But do us a favor and get rid of the repeats and bring in new courses. Spread out the love, even to tracks where you don't own a controlling share. You'll still make plenty of money in merchandising, selling ear plugs, etc. Spread the love out to more states and cities and grow your fan base even larger by letting those in states who have never lived near a track have one in driving distance.

3) The lack of road courses! And bring on the road courses! Why we love going hard, fast and left.. we as fans do love the occasional break and love to see it when the guys go right! Give us more road courses to break up the season.

4) A break between races TWO fucking weeks into the season. Even sitcoms wait three or four weeks before bringing in the first break, but with NASCAR we only get two races before you already schedule a break. That's just really obnoxious.

5) Darrel Waltrip -- Okay, he is the most fucking annoying thing about NASCAR. Boogity, Boogity, Boogity go fuck yourself. We are sick of your annoying intro and cannot wait for ESPN to take over the coverage because you're so damn annoying. And your ability to call a race is like Michael Irvin's ability to call a football game -- just because you've participated in the sport doesn't mean you'll make a good announcer. Do us a favor, find a new hobby.

Of curses and sports deaths in triplicate

Bill Simmons likes to say that, because they suck, Boston is cursed this year. When Dennis Johnson died (third-best point guard of the 1980's behind Magic and Isiah Thomas) and Simmons dug into his massive folder of prewritten Celtic obits, he reiterated this point. I'm not buying it, at all. After all, while DJ's death was early, he was still in his 50's.

Broncos running back Damien Nash was 24. He dropped dead shortly after participating in a charity basketball game for the Darris Nash Find A Heart Foundation, named after Damien's older brother who is a heart transplant recipient. You can say what you want about the character of the average NFL player, but this guy seems like a good egg, and it's never good when someone dies so young, leaving behind an infant daughter.

If there's a website or a place to donate money to the Find A Heart Foundation, let me know. It's a worthy cause, there's no doubt about that.

Duke boys know where to put their sticks and balls.

Hey, remember those Duke lacrosse boys that got in trouble for possibly running a rape-train on that black stripper? Well, guess what? Duke didn't cancel this season, and in their triumphant return to the mowed green fields of Cameron, North Carolina, they were victorious over hated rival Dartmouth.

Well, I assume they're hated rivals, because I don't know anything about lacrosse, except that the players love to get seriously drunk and entertain interracial adult exhibitions. I'd imagine they got drunk to celebrate their wins, but they probably left the strippers at home this time. At least the black ones.

An Open Letter to Lennox Lewis

Dear Lennox Lewis,

Listen, dude, I know what you’re thinking. You see all these fights, and all these fighters as part of your job with HBO Sports announcing boxing. You look at the woeful state of the heavyweight division and you think to yourself, “You know, old bean. These pugilists are woefully inadequate. We could vault over this barricade and give these scousers a right wallop on the coconut.”

Then you have a hot cup of tea and crumpets and get your hair rebraided. But it's not that simple.

Jersey's Random Two.

Figured I'd get myself back up and running by rambling on two random things that are driving me nuts or just need to be mentioned as a whole.

First, congrats to Wisconsin for doing their best OSU impersonation (College Football wise) and falling to Michigan State University last night in Breslin. This so validates what I tried to tell someone about Michigan State as a team and Izzo as a coach. It's not gonna shock me when Michigan State makes the Big Dance and sends someone home early. [Knowing me, it'll be a team I predicted to go far and I'll be pissed.]

Secondly, congrats to Kris Benson for being injured and missing most of the year. Huh? He's married to Anna. If that's not reason enough to tear or break every bone and muscle in your body, I don't know what is. Seriously.

Third, Tim Hardaway. From here on in, he shall be referred to as Tim Hateagay. Hate is a very strong word and simply put, shouldn't be used in any way, shape, form or fashion unless the guy kills someone of your immediate family. Then you can hate until you're blue in the face or you get us into a war with no exit strategy for close to five years after the fact. Anyway, I don't have a problem with gays as a whole, I have a cousin in my family who's gay and she's a great person. Being gay doesn't
diminish a person as a whole, but you'd swear it was a dehabilitating thing that just totally turns them into a eunuch or something. Anyway, I don't buy Tim's foot in the mouth rant or his day late apology which did nothing other than insert his own foot further. Congrats Timmy, you're the Moron of the Month. Sorry A.J., not even hiring Norv Never could get you this one.

Alright, onto the Big Three.

The next stop on our campus tour is the free clinic!

This ESPN headline caption is gold: “Cincy probing reports of recruits lured by sex, alcohol.” Meanwhile, in southern Ohio, former soccer players are being given alcohol and are probed by 4 recruits and 4 current Bearcats at a party. In the spirit of sharing, Bearcat style, I’ll allow you to pick your own punch line.

1. “That’s the first time all year the Cincinnati Bearcats football squad played like a team”

2. “This girl was a hell of a juggler, given how well she could handle 16 balls at once.”

3. “Those recruiting budget cutbacks are a real pain in the ass (and mouth, and pussy), huh, Megan?”

4. “Anna Benson thinks this girl is an amateur.”

5. “This is clearly a violation of NCAA bylaws. Title IX clearly states that the athlete to whore ratio cannot exceed 3-1.”

6. “Our star recruiter has more pricks inside her than an inverted porcupine.”

7. “Just imagine how good she could be if she was allowed to use her hands!”

8. “At Cincinnati, our generous alumni are always giving back to the students. Our motto is spread the love, and we live by our creed.”

Rich's Bastardly Block

I'm probably going to seem like the Tuesday Morning Quack while writing this, but trust me, I make more sense. It's time for all the news you need to know.

- According to ESPN, The 'Boys just resigned Andre Gurode to a six year deal. As they noted, he was the number one priority to get locked in. (Yes, the center. Not Me-O.) Which means, in typical Jerry Jones fashion, he's going to be one of the highest paid offensive centers. Well that's until Len's fantasy of firing Coughlin doesn't happen, and they have to sign Shaun O'Hara to a comparable or higher deal. Anways, Andre is well known as Albert Haynesworth's Shoe Cleaner. This was found out later to be the receipt for a Denver Broncos style cut block to Al's knees. Gurode was later policed for this by Tuna and later learned that blocking like notorious cunt, Tom Nalen, will get you jacked up. However, as a 'Boys fan, I'm glad to see he's going to stick around to anchor what would've been a disaster of an offensive line.

- Also from the MLB side of the WWL, Bonds actually showed up at a spring training. He's actually healthy after his elbow surgery. He's also seemingly mellow after his contract agreements. He does know that the Giants will yank anything if he is arraigned on perjury charges. No word if Bonds will bring any "personal trainers" or Mexican pharmacists to be on the Giants payroll.

- From the legal front, MSNBC talks about Weis's malpractice suit. Charlie Weis's malpractice suit from his gastric bypass surgery in 2002, which started last year, was in its final stages of heading to the jury action. However, one of the jurors collapsed during the testimony of one of the doctors. Weis's lawyer called for a mistrial/retrial. The surgery team's lawyers argued that the trial could not be interrupted no matter what. The judge sided with Weis's team, and the trial was cancelled for the time being. It is unknown when there will be another trial attempt.

- More after the cut.

Zis Boom Bah

Daytona 500, 2007

Kevin Harvick and Mark Martin fly towards the finish line, neck and neck as sheet metal and other debris flies in their wake, to give us one of the most exciting finishes to a race in a long time. A race that Clint Bowyer finished going upside down and with his car on fire.

Now, I know that a lot of NASCAR bloggers and journalists out there don't care for the crashes and worry about someone getting injured. But as a fan, I love the crashes. I love the tension. Don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone to get hurt or die in these injuries, but that feeling inherently contradicts my love of the crashes and the exciting finishes, and seeing Kevin Harvick beat Mark Martin by 2/100 of a second to win the 49th annual Daytona 500 was one of the most exciting finishes I'd seen in a while, making it all the more exciting with the big wreck flying behind them.

Now, there is a big argument going on about favoritism in NASCAR, and the lack of penalties that Jeff Gordon received, and a second argument about NASCAR not throwing the caution flag soon enough and these two things go together.

First--NASCAR showed a lack of favoritism by not throwing that caution flag until after the leaders had crossed the finish line. The wreck behind them would not have affected the leaders outcome of the race. What was Mark Martin doing looking in his rear view mirror instead of ahead him? Now, don't get me wrong, I was cheering for Mark Martin to win that race as much of anyone, but he lost it fair and square. Harvick beat him out and Mark Martin finished second (his best finish ever in the 500). If NASCAR would have thrown that caution flag with Martin still ahead--that would have shown NASCAR favoritism. So, maybe next time Mark. I'm sure you won't be able to fully give up racing any time soon.

Second--Jeff Gordon's punishment was fair. The car being too low... it happens frequently in post qualifying. And the punishment is usually the same--sent to the back of the field and your qualifying time doesn't count. Jeff's team's crime was nothing compared to what went down with Waltrip's or any of the other teams. Though, I must say Kahne, Kenseth and the rest of the Evernham Dodge's punishments were too harsh. But I guess NASCAR has decided that the longstanding policy of "if you aren't cheating, you aren't trying" is officially over.

Either way, things are off to a very exciting start. And while controversy and dramatic finishes may overshadow wins (congratulations Kevin Harvick) they do bring more fans to the sport. And in the end, that has to make NASCAR happy.


According to the always lovely Lizzy, the slapfight is coming, folks. In fact, it might already be close.

According to the YAHOOOOO!, A-Rod is crying over chocolates about how his former buddy and he won't even talk anymore.

"People start assuming that things are a lot worse than what they are, which they're not. But they're obviously not as great as they used to be. We were like blood brothers," Rodriguez said. "You don't have to go to dinner with a guy four, five times a week to do what you're doing. It's actually much better than all you guys expect, but I just want to let the truth be known."

Fucking creepy. Anyways, when the slapfight happens, beer at my place!

Mike Awesome (1965-2007)

I'll give the article that Meltzer put up from the Wrestling Observer.

Former ECW champ Mike Awesome passes away

by Dave Meltzer

[email protected]

Mike Alfonso, better known as Mike Awesome, was found dead on Saturday evening in the Tampa area according to those close to the family. He was 42.

Friends were coming to his home in Tampa to pick him up and go out Saturday night at about 10:30 p.m. and he never answered the door and found him hanging in the home. It is believed the death was due to suicide pending results of the autopsy.

Mike Awesome was one of the top foreign stars in FMW in Japan, who as a high-flying big man was made ECW champion on two occasions in 1999 and 2000. As champion, he signed with WCW, creating a situation that many feel ended up killing the title as Tazz from WWF was brought back to ECW to win the title, yet at the same time the title was jobbed in WWF.

He worked for a few months with WWF after the collapse of WCW, as well as with All Japan, but had not wrestled in some time. He was working as a realtor at Coldwell Banker at the time of his death.

Alright, I don't really know what to say about this one, folks. I'll come back with comments. This one's out of left field...

The Dumber...The Better.

Ya know, I’m starting to believe more and more that the more mentally inept you are in sports, the more likelier you are to get hired as head coach or GM/Team President. I think the NFL’s got it all wrong with the Rooney Rule. It’s not working.

The problem isn’t that these coaches who aren’t getting interviewed are too black, they’re too S-M-A-R-T. They’re capable of breaking down plays and they’re capable of drawing up gameplans that don’t resemble some scribble scrabble you’d see a dyslexic two year old doodling in his coloring book. Where am I going with this? San Diego and what mentally deficient dumbass one A.J. Smith has to be in order to hire Norv Turner to coach this team.

Now, not to state the obvious, but unless Norv pulls a Switzer and takes this team to a Super Bowl championship [going will NOT be enough to save this team or the move to boot Martyball out of the 6-1-9], this will rank as the absolute worst coaching move in NFL history [and this is really saying a LOT]. You don’t up and fire coaches that go 14-2. In the history of the NFL, only two other coaches have left after seasons close to that and they both left A) of their own free will and B) with bling on their fingers after hoisting the Lombardi Trophy.

I don’t think Norv has it in him to hoist a Pop Warner Trophy, let alone guide a team that was only three second half miscues and one schtoinked field goal from possibly running the table a few months ago. Indy wouldn’t have beaten San Diego. Not no way, not no how. Norv’s failed miserably in two previous stops prior to coming back to San Diego. This isn’t a Belichick Project here where he failed in one spot, learned from his errors and is ready to light the world on fire. HE FAILED IN OAKLAND AND WASHINGTON DAMNIT!

I believe if you fail in two different places as a head coach, just quit. Coaching is not your line of work or field of expertise. Sadly, we live in a world where the stupid are handsomely rewarded and well, the Rooney Rule has to be made up to give blacks a remote puncher’s chance if that of getting interviewed. I’d like to pretext all of this by saying I’m not racist or the like, I’m simply sick of stupid ass coaches getting 3rd and 4th chances they DO NOT DESERVE. Norv Turner got passed up and over by SEVERAL different teams this offseason, including Dallas who thought Wade Phillips would be a better fit than him. Blitzburgh, hell, even ARIZONA didn’t bother giving Norv Turner a call. If you can’t get Arizona to give you a call or even give your resume a PEEK, leave the coaching ranks IMMEDIATELY.

Prediction’s simple. The Bolts will short circuit next year. They’ll be the most talented non-playoff team in the league and I’m predicting that there will be a walkout during the final home game of the year to protest the failed year that could’ve been.

Norv Turns the Corner Towards San Diego

Despite the fact that earlier this week, the Bolts claimed that they had just finished round one of interviews and might still add in future candidates, is reporting San Diego Chargers have agreed in principle to hire Norv Turner as their new head coach.

This will be Norv Turner's third go-round as a head coach. He previously coached the Oakland-Los Angeles Raiders and the Washington Redskins, both with losing records overall before Norv was fired. Hopefully coaching the team considered to have the best offensive talent in the league helps.

Rich, your prediction came true. Now, is this good news or bad news for a Chargers team who didn't even attempt to lure Pete Carroll out of USC before hiring Norv? Personally, not knowing more than just stats about Norv, I'll wait and see how he does as head coach for the Bolts for half a season before I make my opinion.

Chop out a 21-line salute

Ahh, Michael Irvin, we hardly knew ye before ye were so cruelly fired from ESPN the Television Network. However, Michael, in our short time together, you've provided us with so much goodness that I really struggle to find a place to begin. However, I can try. Excuse me if I get a little misty-eyed here, folks. There's a lot of white powder flying through the air.

what a suit

Click below for the grandmother of all mixed-race retrospectives from the man who makes Jimmy the Greek look racially sensitive.

White lines...

Hey, Michael Irvin! Sure you just got in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, but you might also be getting fired!

oh snap!
"Ohh shit!"

Edited on 2/17: Seriously, anyone who wasn't so black and famous would've been fired the moment that 'Tony Romo's got slave blood' comment left his lips, if they'd even make it onto network TV after being busted with hookers and cocaine so many times. Marv Albert bites his girlfriend and loses his job, but we can't get rid of Michael Irvin, no matter how many lines of marching powder he snorts up his nose.

Joumana Kidd is now accepting Valentines

Per Deadspin, The Smoking Gun has Joumana Kidd’s countersuit against Jason all scanned up and posted on the Internet for the world to see, and boy, is it pretty, uh… well…

Okay, spousal abuse is never funny and I know these kids they’ve got are going to be fucked up for the rest of their lives because of their daddy being a serial womanizer and their mother being a crazy-eyed psycho hosebeast, but seriously! Even Jemele Hill calls bullshit on this lawsuit.

You got hit… with a cookie (probably an Oreo). When Jason went out to cheat, he won you back with diamonds (I’d bet anyone $50 that large rock she got hit with was that $500,000 pink diamond). He beat your ass before you got married and you still married him. Joumana Kidd, you’re nothing but a very expensive whore, and now that you’ve hit the ejaculatory lottery and Jason’s sick of you being crazy, you’re ready to suck him dry on your way out the door (and not in the stripper way that he’d like).

Take a lesson from Michael Jordan’s wife: take your money, shut your goddamn mouth, and leave quietly with your dignity, and the dignity of your children, intact. You started this crap, so it’s time for you to end this crap. Nobody cares about you and whether or not J-Kidd gave you a triple-double upside the brain, so disappear.

Anna Benson says you lack class.

Kerry Wood Injury Report...

Yes, Kerry Wood got injured again. (Five second rule for groaning and laughing) Yes, Jade, again. I would get into the elaborate way he did it, but I think this following YouTube Clip might get it even better.

Some Valentine's Day Poetry for you all

So, Ron and I, being single guys (gee I wonder why), decided to not let this day go to waste. I knew these short poems were perfect when Jaime Sue gave me dead silence for 15 minutes, then started calling me a pig.

Anyways, on to the show...

Roses are red, violets are blue, let's face it Tom Coughlin, Tiki is a bitch that hates you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Ron Mexico's got herpes, and now so do you!

Roses are red, Violets are blue. Shit, Rex Grossman threw another interception to you.

Roses are red, Carnations are pale, Hey, Ron, look! Another Bengal went to jail!

Roses are red. Cocaine is white. Michael Irvin in the Hall of Fame? That shit's almost not right.

Carnations are white, just like Salisbury's penis. Who's that washing my car? Penn State's Curtis Enis!

Get your chocolates and start gagging now...

Valentine's Day Masacre for Waltrip

So, as mentioned the past few days, NASCAR wasn't quite convinced that Michael Waltrip's car had an oil leak. And where there's smoke, NASCAR has found fire. Waltrip's team has been found guilty of violations "12- 4-A (actions detrimental to stock car racing), 12-4-Q (car, car parts components and/or equipment not conforming to NASCAR rules) and 20-15.2C (gasoline must not be blended with alcohols, ethers or other oxygenates)." In simple speak, it means that apparently Waltrip's crew chief may have confused the Toyota for a rocket and used some rocket fuel to speed Waltrip up.

As a result, NASCAR provided Waltrip with the following Valentine's Day spankings, and clearly Michael is a masochist:

- Penalized 100 Driver and Owner Championship Points

- Both Crew Chief Hyder and VP of Competition Bobby Kennedy have been ejected from the Daytona 500 and suspended indefinitely.

- And Michael's Crew Chief has been fined $100,000.

Oh, and for good measure, to show Michael Waltrip how much they love him, his primary car has been confiscated.

Clearly, NASCAR intends on giving out some harsh spankings this year. So, crew chiefs.. best not to push your limits this year, unless you're looking for an extended vacation to sit at home and watch the races instead of being part of them.

The car's manufacturer, Toyota, has announced that Waltrip's team has used up two of three strikes. And any team reaching the third strike will lose manufacturer support.

Alright, and in another bit of NASCAR news -- Roush has sold half of the team to Fenway Sports Group, to form Roush Fenway Racing. Jack Roush will maintain control over competitive operations and Geoff Smith will continue on as President and control over business operations.

Time to Unpimp Zee Autos

As first reported yesterday, some of NASCAR teams were behaving naughty at this year's Daytona 500. And while we were sure to mention Matt Kenseth and Kasey Kahne, we were unaware until today that the entire Evernham Motorsports Nextel Cup team was a naughty bunch at qualifying and they're now paying for it.

Robin Pemberton, VP of Competition at NASCAR, announced the penalties today as he asked the boys to line up for their spankings. Both Kasey and Matt, whose violations were due to "air improperly ducted into the car," suffered the harshest punishments. Both Kenseth and Kahne's teams will be without their crew chiefs for four races, each are being fined $50,000, and the creme da la creme of their punishment is they start the season 50 driver and owner points in the hole.

But the beatings didn't stop there for Evernham Motorsports, as Kasey's teammates Scott Riggs and Elliot Sadler were found with illegal "modifications to the fasteners that hold the rear spoiler to the trunk lid to leak air out of the trunk." Both Riggs' and Sadler's teams will each lose their team crew chiefs for two races apeice, were fined $25,000, and will be docked 25 driver and owner points.

While the teams can appeal their punishments, honestly, what good is it going to do them? And would it be worth appealing it? Or do they hope that they'll get blessed with whatever blessed Jimmy Johnson last year after he lost his crew chief starting at Daytona for illegal modifications? But while they won't be getting a reprieve likely from any part of their sentence, an appeal would allow the crew chiefs to participate in the 500. But is it better to get your punishment over quickly or delay it for a race? That's really the question for these teams now.

There is still no word on Waltrip, whose vehicle is still impounded, but from the sounds of it Mikey didn't have an oil leak in the manifold. It leaves one to wonder what the land of the rising sun will think about illegal modifications on their cars. Will they have their own sanctions for Waltrip? We'll just have to wait and see.

Giants Fallout Offseason.

When the great George Carlin talked about on his last HBO special opening up an All-Suicide Channel, he must've been referring to Giants fans as possible participants in that fun. The new Giants GM, Jerry Reese, has released LaVar Arrington, Luke Petitgout, and Carlos Emmons. All three former Giants starters have been plagued with injuries and poor performances when healthy. In other words, that was all on the players that they released. This seems to be independent of the obsessive thoughts of one Giants fan who wants to fire Coughlin. (No, Len. They aren't. So stop it.)

When it comes down to it, Reese didn't have much choice with LaVar. LaVar's injured Achilles tendon was only the icing on the cake for an under performing season and some change that he actually did play. He was going to earn 900,000 next season, due to not receiving any bonuses from failing to meet incentive terms. Petitgout was a victim of the youth movement. After receiving a broken leg during the Chicago game, David Diehl was forced to move to his tackle spot. Diehl proved to be the better choice in that move. If kept, Luke would have made 5 million. Emmons fell victim to a constantly injured pectoral muscle which caused him to play 36 games over three seasons. He missed a total of 11 games over his tenure. Emmons was due to make 2 million each year on the last two years of his deal.

Eactor in the retirement of Tiki "John Lennon" Barber with all of that fallout. Reese has freed up a lot of salary cap space to make the team in the image of what both he and Tom Coughlin want. Don't worry, Giants fans, you can see Tiki more than you wanted to, only on NBC!

Again, let's state. Coughlin's staying. Tiki retired. White Trash Shockey is still there. Two starting LBs gone. Your former Tackle is gone. If I were Strahan, I'd shut up and not talk, even to curse out defenseless woman reporters.

As always, I'll cover more offseason fallout from the South and East of the NFL. Have fun with this one...

An Open Letter to God

Dear God,

Listen, I know we’re not good buddies. I don’t go to church (because it interferes with football season), I don’t tithe (because I need beer money), and the only burnt offerings I’ve ever made you have been little pieces of burger, hot dog, and pork that have fallen into the coals on my tailgating grill, but for some reason you’re looking out for me. I’m not sure why, but at the same time, I’m not going to look a gift Jesus in the mouth.

I just wanted to thank you for all the good work you’ve done this week. Sure, Kentucky lost to Florida at the buzzer, and I’ll admit that sucked. I was pretty pissed off by that, but hell, you allowed them to play beyond themselves and almost win despite completely sucking for the first 30 minutes of the game.

But this time you’ve outdone yourself, you magnificent bastard.

For the first time in 184 weeks, the Duke Blue Devils are out of the Top 25 in the Coaches’ Poll. Also, for the first time in 200 weeks, the Dookies have been flushed from the AP Top 25 poll, too. From the bottom of my sin- and cholesterol-encrusted heart, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, Heavenly Father.

From here on out, I’m done with voodoo. No more leaving rum for Jobu, no more Buddha statues, no more ululating for Allah, and definitely no more ancestor worship and human sacrifice. From here on out, it’s all you, Big Guy.

Now—and I hate to be a bother after you’ve done me so many favors already—if you could just get to work on the whole ‘keep Duke out of the NCAA tournament’ thing, well… I don’t know what I’ll do yet, but you’ll love it. I’ll burn up some goats, I’ll kill a witch, I’ll stone some Sodomites, I’ll get circumcised…I’ll party like it’s 99 BC.

Big ups to You, Big Boss Deity!



P.S.: Satan, since I know you’re listening in, tell UNC coach Roy Williams that his soul is totally worth it for beating Duke. Eternity in Hell isn’t cool, but it has to be worth it to smack the smug smirk off Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s face.

Pack up your Schott and get the hell out!

Marty Schottenheimer was fired today. He's the third Chargers coach to leave, and most likely not the last. Of course, Marty was the only coach who wasn't leaving the team of his own free will for greener pastures. No, no. In a shocking decision today, Marty was fired as head coach of the San Diego Chargers. Team President Dean Spanos is citing a "dysfunctional situation" between Marty and General Manager A.J. Smith as the reason for the Monday evening firing.

So, goodbye Marty. Apparently you screwed up the only reason they were keeping you around--your stable coaching staff with the fact that both your offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator go off to their own head coaching jobs. Now Marty will have to find a new team next year to get that monkey off your back. The bigger mistake that the Chargers are making by firing you now and having to pay you three million dollars to get rid of you? Not doing it two months ago so they could have hired their own offensive or defensive coordinator for the head coaching job before they left for Miami and Dallas. So, they should have waited another year and are making a horrible mistake by doing it at this point in the off-season most likely. But honestly, good riddance.

So, what's next for the Chargers? I hope that the Chargers seize upon Arizona's mistake and hire Tennessee Titains offensive coordinator Norm Chow as their new Head Coach, if he has any interest at all. And I hope that this lack of stability during the off-season, and this definite late start, doesn't fuck over the Chargers chances at next year. While it probably will, Marty would have done that on his own next year anyway, late start or not.

I should be so lucky!

Cuckolded husband/running joke Kris Benson, who apparently moonlights at some sort of ball-hurling fellow for the Baltimore Orioles, who are apparently some sort of professional baseball club (despite all on-field evidence to the contrary), has injured his arm. Thanks to a torn rotator cuff, he’ll be missing the 2007 season. They haven’t announced how he hurt himself, but odds are he threw his arm out humping his wife.

While it’s a shame he doesn’t get to go out there and make some free agency dollars, on the plus side, he doesn’t have to watch the Baltimore Orioles play. He’ll still get to apply for free agency, and he’ll get to spend the next season banging the hell out of his wife/model/gold-digging slut Anna Benson, so it looks like Kris Benson is Major League Baseball’s Luckiest Bastard of 2007 before the season even starts. With a streak of luck like this, I imagine next Kris Benson will break his foot with a giant bag of free money falls on it.

Then again, he's still a man named Kris, so take that for what you will.

And onto the Duels!

There's only six days, twenty minutes and twelve seconds left until the Daytona 500, but that doesn't mean that Speedweeks at Daytona didn't begin last week. And there is plenty of news to share, especially after yesterday's Daytona 500 qualifying.

First, Robert Yates Racing must be doing something right, because the only two positions determined by yesterday's qualifying went to both David Gilliland, who will sit on the poll and Ricky Rudd who will join Gilliland in the front row when the flag flies at the start of the 500 on Sunday.

Happy times, on the other hand, are not being had by three drivers at the moment. Both Matt Kenseth and Kasey Kahne's cars failed post-qualifying inspection and their times have been thrown out. So, for the Gatorade Duels on Thursday both Kenseth and Kahne will be forced to start from the back of the field of the second race group. Apparently, both vehicles had holes where there normally should have been seals. Or in "technical rule book, get your crew chief suspended" jargon "unapproved aerodynamic devices." Officially, no crew chiefs have been suspended yet, no fines imposed, but that word should come down later today for both Kenseth's and Kahne's racing teams.

The third driver, Michael Waltrip, has not had his time disqualified, but his car and manifold have been confiscated and impounded following qualification. His original manifold was actually taken before his qualifying run because NASCAR officials discovered what Waltrip's team said was an oil leak in the manifold, but they couldn't find the source of the leak. NASCAR after the race decided to take the car since they don't quite believe that it was an oil leak, and they're not even satisfied that it was even oil. So far, we do not know how long they plan to impound Waltrip's car for -- he's hoping to get it back before Wednesday's practice for the Gatorade Duels. He's also hoping that nothing is found to be in violation, anything that would prevent Waltrip from missing his first Daytona 500 in two decades. During the Duels he'll still need to finish first or second among the drivers who have to race their way into the 500 based on speed.

Most likely James Hylton, age 72, will not be making the Daytona 500 as he had the slowest qualifying time of anyone but Mike Wallace. But the guy still had fun and maybe he'll get lucky in the Duel, but don't put your money on it.

Also, at the moment Team Red Bull and the other Toyotas are desperately seeking something to help them out in their NASCAR debut. And while they may be floundering at Daytona, don't worry, Toyota will throw money at their teams until they do win.

Despite Rich's best hopes, no one was disqualified for drinking and driving on the track, or in Martin Truex, Jr.'s case, drinking and pissing on the track. Sorry Rich, better luck next time.

So, beyond that there isn't much more to report -- most people are still harping on Jr. wanting majority ownership, finally not covering up the fact, anymore, that Teresa is an absentee (though I prefer Kenseth's term of deadbeat) owner. They're going to be using smaller fuel cells. Nothing incredibly exciting, but we'll keep you posted on what the penalties are for Kenseth and Khane -- and if any come down for Waltrip.

Something's rotten in L.A., and it's not the Clippers

Let’s toss up a hypothetical situation in which a star running back has relationships with agents, has been receiving improper gifts and benefits for himself and his family, and now said athlete is being used to recruit other jocks to the school in violation of NCAA rules. Wouldn’t you think that all this stuff happening right under the noses of the coaches is something akin to lack of institutional control? Reggie Bush might’ve been able to feign ignorance (though how the hell did his family afford that $750,000 home in LA again?) to the media, and Pete Carroll might disavow any knowledge of agents sniffing around his players, but like John L. Smith said, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.”

In this case, the fire isn’t USC’s blatantly ignoring NCAA violations (although it is), the fire is the NCAA turning a blind eye to violations at the school that has turned college football in America’s second-largest media market from an afterthought to a full-on obsession. L.A., as the Clippers could tell you, only gives a damn about you when you’re winning, so it’s in the NCAA’s interest to keep USC winning by any means necessary. They like the attention a marquee program nets them.

Does anyone think that if these violations were happening at Eastern Carolina or Louisville that the NCAA wouldn’t have already dropped the hammer on them and stripped the school of its wins? Don’t you think Michigan would’ve gotten some sanctions? Don’t you think if this was an Alabama or Tulane that the NCAA would’ve let this lack of institutional control go on this long?

Kentucky had NCAA violations in its football program that were nowhere near as severe as these, and UK got sanctions. Same with Alabama in 1994; just check out how severe their sanctions were for lesser transgressions. Schools that aren’t USC get away with a lot less this, as history shows.

Gee, I wonder why that is. Money talks, I suppose. There's a lot of loose money around the USC campus these days, too. If the NCAA doesn't drop the banhammer on Pete's cash cow, then there shouldn't be any question in anyone's mind that the NCAA is deliberately covering USC's ass to save their golden goose.

Applauding Amaechi?

That's the word of the day, sorta. First, the basis for, hold up. Few things first before I get into this deeplike.

- Congrats to Adolf Stern for FINALLY righting what would've been a huge wrong by putting Carmelo on the All-Star Team. Congrats Holmes, next time you feel the urge to give someone Not So Sweet Chin Music, remember; Adolf doesn't like you.

- The Crap Dunk Contest has officially hit bottom. No, not last year's 16 dunk display in the Finals thanks to eventual champ Nate Robinson aka “Less Talented Spud v-3.7,” but when the judges are more famous than the competitors, we've got a problem. And here's something that I, Len Jersey, will guarantee right now.

Next Saturday, the winning dunk will be less spectacular than any of the qualifying dunks executed by the judges in their respective winning years. I swear, after they robbed Amare two years ago, I stopped watching this. They make the WWE seem real by comparison.

- Doc Rivers, get that resume updated; your pink slip's gonna be in the mail anytime now. Screw the whole "Vote of Confidence" you got a few days ago. That just means you're one step away from being ousted. Oh and Danny Ainge, trading to get non point guard Sebastian Telfair from the Jail Blazers? Dumbest. Move. EVER. Way to ensure your team stays in the tank, and way to ensure that Pierce will probably never again make the playoffs wearing the Celtic green.

Okay, time for the Big Show. Not THAT guy, by the by.

Jr. gives his demands for 2008: Majority control of DEI.

Yes, the Worldwide finally gets the story that even Stevie Wonder could see happening. That's right, Teresa's biggest nightmare comes true. Jr doesn't want cash, he wants control. He and sister, Kelley Earnhardt Elledge, filed for majority control of DEI. After many pep talks from Kevin Harvick and Jeff Gordon, the boy finally realizes that he is the fucking man. Unfortunately, Teresa still doesn't have a damn clue.

Jr. stated for the record that, "I want majority ownership, basically." Simple and to the point to where even Scoop Jackson and Jemele Hill have a clue on Jr's intent. As us NASCAR folks here at Sports Bastards would like to say, congratulations for finding your balls again, Dale Jr. We know even though Dad loved boning ol' Teresa many times in life, he'd be proud of you getting your balls back.

To top off the entire cake, negotiations are so screwed, DEI isn't letting the current owner near the table to negotiate. In fact, Teresa isn't involved in anything related to the contract with Jr. Instead DEI's new President of Global Operations, Max Siegel, is running the negotiations. Surprisingly, Max knows how to run a business. Who'd have thought that one? Also the Director of Motorsports, Richie Gilmore, is front and center with Mr. Siegel.

Both men realize Dale Earnhardt Jr. is the cash cow of DEI. In fact, even Jr. himself realizes that he's the cash cow. Teresa's comments, and various digs at her ownership style by other drivers, caused the negotiations to go straight to hell. All involved in the mess, including Richard Childress, are waiting to see if Teresa fucks it up even more or stays out like DEI has recommended she do.

Time will tell if Jr. and Kelley get what they want.

A novel idea for a clean soccer game: Ban the Fans.

Parlamento Italiano, after a wave of violence in that crazy island of Sicily that killed poor poliziotto Filippo Raciti, passed a new wave of laws that forced security issues to happen 90 seconds ago. Too bad nobody told the 25 clubs that are going to have to play to a situation of stadio vuoto. (For you lazy fucks, that's empty stadium.)

According to the nice folks on the wire, everything from Serie A and below get to play to such a situation if the Gestione italiana di sicurezza (Italian Security Administration) doesn't approve their stadium for public consumption. Of course, there is a silver lining. 6 stadia are approved for use. They are: Genoa, Siena, Cagliari, Turin, Palermo and Olympic Stadium in Rome. The Catania Stadium is still perma-closed until the whole matter of the 38 hooligans di gioco del calcio (including 15 teenagers) who killed the poor poliziotto is close to resovled.

And yes you read right, that Palermo is approved for public games. Leave the severed goat heads at home, fittizios. The joke still isn't funny.

Hey, Italianos. Take a cue from the Mexicanos who actually didn't kill anyone when they lost the Rivales Eternos game to the United States, won't you?

Words cannot express the depths of my irrational hatred of Duke

Why, is that two losses in a row for the Duke Blue Devils at Cameron Memorial Indoor Stadium? I do believe it is. First Florida State University’s Semen Holes upend the dookies, and now it’s hated cross town rivals the University of North Carolina Tarheels who come into Duke’s House and fuck Duke’s mom.

I, for one, love it and wish to see it continue. Duke cannot possibly lose enough ass whippings, at home or on the road, to satisfy me. Like most dyed in the wool Kentucky Wildcats fans, I remember 1992 vivdly. Christian Laettner could cure cancer and give me a million dollars, and I’d still kick him in the junk.

I will have my revenge for Aminu Timberlake, Christian. Oh yes. When you least expect it, I'll stomp on your chest right back.

Come on Daytona!

And yet another NASCAR themed update from your girl who just loves things that go fast and go hard.

- NASCAR officials are looking for 30 million dollars for the sponsorship of the soon to be former Busch Series. NASCAR's second series garnered 15 million dollars the last time the series was up for sponsorship, but with the new television deal with ESPN and increased popularity, NASCAR is doubling the price. Companies rumored to be expressing interest in sponsoring the series include Walmart, Subway, Samsung, Allstate and the sponsor that would provide the series with coolest possible name -- Dunkin Donuts.

- Goodyear and NASCAR agreed to a five year contract extension that'll keep NASCAR in Goodyear tires through 2012.

- Only 11 days, 16 hours and 31 minutes and 52 seconds to go until the Daytona 500 at the time of posting.

- Championship provisional may only be used six times during the season now.

- The schedule for Speedweeks has been posted.

- The new design for has officially been launched with lots of snazzy new features. The site is much improved from the previously cluttered design. (And if you didn't notice, the site has also been redesigned.)

- Tony Stewart continues to be a great guy off the track, because while NASCAR still lacks any pension plan for former drivers, Tony Stewart donates out of his own pocket to help out former racers.

- This just in, Tony Stewart still a hypocritical asshole on the track.

- Lacking any other exciting news, everyone is still debating where Dale Jr. will end up next year. (No, at the bottom of a bottle of Budweiser is not an option).

- Remember to comment with your email address if you want to participate in the SB fantasy racing game.

The Shawne Merriman rule

The NFL has a habit of naming rules after players. There’s the Roy Williams rule, banning the horse-collar tackle. There’s the Deacon Jones rule, banning the hitting or slapping. The Bronco Nagurski rule made the forward pass legal from anywhere behind the line of scrimmage. And now, there’s the Shawne Merriman rule, which bans any player who tests positive for a performance-enhancing drug from the Pro Bowl during the year in which they cheated.

I’m sure this will raise Jaime’s ire, but I wholeheartedly agree with this rule and I think it’s a damn shame that it can’t be made retroactive to ban Shawne Merriman from the Pro Bowl this year. He didn’t earn this position; he shot up with enough steroids to kill a horse and got his spot in the Pro Bowl through chemical means. See also Romanowski, Bill.

If a player gets caught cheating, then really, the entire year’s accomplishments up until the game after he returns from his suspension should be wiped out. That tainted supplement bullshit doesn’t fly with me; even if the supplements are tainted, these are the same supplements the guy’s been using the entire season, so he’s been ‘roided up the entire season. Shawne Merriman should only get credit for the tackles, sacks, and whatever else he did after he came back from his juicing punishment, and none of the stuff that happened before then. Anyone who blames their suspension on someone else should be fined double the amount and suspended extra games for not being man enough to admit they got caught with a needle in their ass.

Cheaters shouldn’t prosper (if they're dumb enough to get caught).

And bragging rights go to...

So, I'm lazy and I don't have the full stats for our picks for the playoffs (for those of us who made them), but going into tonight Ron and I were tied for first place.

I picked the Colts to win and Ron picked the Bears if it was raining (which it was).

Thus, the queen of Sports Bastards playoff picks is your one and only. I normally don't like to brag, but I feel it is my duty since I won bragging rights. :) Yay me. Okay, enough bragging; let's move onto the team that really has bragging rights.

Congratulations to the World Champion Indianapolis Colts! And furthermore, congratulations to the Super Bowl MVP -- Peyton Manning. I love the big, goofy QB with a laser rocket arm. :) I look forward to even more Peyton Manning commercials in 2007.

Colts Win 29 - 17, despite the fact that Tony Romo paid Hunter Smith, the holder for the Colts, to try and throw the game.

Deservedly Speaking...

Alright, here's my pick for the Super Bowl.

Da Bears. Why? Simple. I know everyone's all but handed Peyton the trophy and filmed his "I'm going to Disneyland" spot. I know we're all but bound to hear about how Dungy's overcome SO MUCH over the past 12 months to get here and all that and hey, they can sell the movie rights to Disney for a pretty penny. But that's not gonna happen and here's why. A) Peyton can't win The Big Game. What? He just won the Big Game. Really? Since when did you get the Vince Lombardi trophy for winning the AFC Championship? In his career, Peyton's hit the big oh-fer
in big title game situations. He never beat Spurrier and the one shot he got at a national title in 1997, he was beaten like a redheaded stepchild courtesy of the Cornhuskers. The truth, which has been lost over the euphoria which has set in for Peyton is this. He won A big game two weeks ago, he still hasn't won THE Big Game. And what's odd about this is two fold.

1) He has to do so where Dan The Man used to play his ball, Miami.
2) He has to face one of Spurrier's QBs to do so and this guy, has to be the single most disrespected guy I've ever seen make it to a Super Bowl,
"Sexy Rexy" Grossman.

Peyton's made the past week seem like nothing other than another game.
He has tried to downplay the importance of this game in the hopes that if everyone falls for it, we won't see how nervous he really is. Well I got news for ya Peyton, I see through it. Kool-Aid runs through your veins and tonight, on the biggest stage, you're gonna get drunk till glass is the only thing we see. I want Lovie to win this so that he and Rex can sit back riding the train in Orlando, laughing at every last person who called for Rex to be a pine cone and for Brian Griese to be playing. I want Rex to outshine Peyton so that Peyton can be exposed to the world as a lovable loser outside of the Cubs organization. And Football God willing, it'll be Da Bears tonight. Alright, main event time.

J.R. Brown's Super Bowl Odds List

Since it's going to be a semi-official list, I used my first two initials. Only three people know my first name, that being Ron, Jaime Sue, and Jade. All three know that I would buy plane tickets to hurt Ron, get hurt by Jade, and tickle the hell out of Jaime Sue if that was revealed. Anyways, the people want to know why make a big Rich prediction thread? It's easy, you have to go even further than the experts do.

Also, a big note. If you only knew the work that Ron and Jaime Sue are putting in for our six month deal. Over 14000 hits wasted here, and nobody from the Islamic Republic of Iran has banned us yet. So, when it comes to it, we're redecorating a bit... I would say that I'm contributing, but Ron won't let me near the back end of the site. The coding is all on him, and the design is all on Jaime. All I did was get Ron his coding material. When it's done, we'll look different for at least another six months...

Now on to the odds...

Performing a nut check

Coach Mike Remillard knew there was only one way to motivate the Leavitt Area High School varsity boys basketball team. He had to remind them just what was at stake, and what was at stake was their manhood. No, not their figurative manhood, their literal manhood. Coach Remillard pulled out the dick card (not his dick), fired his boys up, and went out there and won the game.

Then, he got fired after four years on the job. A male basketball coach was fired for getting his male players to slide a hand down their pants (as if they weren’t going to rush home and do that 8 or 9 times before bed) and check to make sure they still had penises, because as he put it, "tonight's game was about who had the biggest (male genitalia) in town." In other words, he picked the best way to motivate any athlete: pick on their pride, and for his successful motivation (his team won the game), he was rewarded with a pink slip.

It’s classic locker room talk. When you can’t motivate an athlete through money or civic pride, you go to the classic respect card, and the dick-check is just another example of how to fire up a team. Not only has Coach Remillard used this card before, it’s one of the most common cards thrown out throughout sports.

Some other famous examples of the use of the wang card in sports lie below the cut.

Super Bowl XLI Predictions

Alright, folks. Tomorrow is the now overhyped and commercialized Super Bowl XLI aka Soul Bowl I aka Negro Bowl I aka The Jungle Bowl aka The Watermelon, Chicken and Grits Bowl aka The Chitlins Bowl. Yeah, bring on the jokes that not even Ron could think of without help from others. Before I get too long in this one, we'll go to the Vegas odds.

At the start of the season here's how it looked...

Indianapolis Colts 13/2
Chicago Bears 17/1

Tells you how much Vegas knows, doesn't it?

This Super Bowl, the Vegas Odds are leaning towards the Colts, believe it or not. They base it on the QB rating, the defense of the past few weeks, and even Vinateri's PAT/FG numbers. Seems that Sex Cannon is a bit too inconsistent for the Vegas crew.

I'm not going to predict immediately, not until tomorrow's column. However, leave your predictions in the comment field.

Everything old is old again.

Brett Favre (remember when I tried to do a recap of every weekend in my Hits & Shits column and made Brett Farve my running joke? Neither do I!) has decided to take a clue from his political hero (probably not), John Kerry, and flip flop like a delicious buttermilk pancake. That’s right kids, the Favre Retirement Tour, much like the retirement tours of KISS, Cher, and The Who, is back again for yet another tour of duty and hundreds of more rounds of announcer-on-Favre fellatio!

full speed ahead, and damn the posting system!

So ESPN did either the bravest or the dumbest thing in the history of things: they've opened up commentary on posts from readers. Needless to say, Bill Simmons was immediately gang-raped by the Deadspin crew, but poor Jemele Hill was ignored for the most part. At least until someone with more balls than brains posted this little tidbit.

UncleSkanko (2/1/2007 at 7:23 PM) Edit Delete Report

Okay, this is a serious question for Jemele. No, seriously. You've written about groupies, sex, hooking up with athletes, and now you've written about prostitutes. Every article of yours talks about sex. Are these topics your idea, or is it the ESPN brass who seem dead-set on making you look like a #### (slut)?

That question has been on Rich's mind ever since she blew him in the parking lot of a Denny's wrote her first ESPN Page 2 article.

South Texas Death Ride.

Wow. Remember how everyone was absolutely certain that Greg Oden would be the impact player of the year for the Ohio State University men's basketball team? Remember how he was supposed to run away with all the awards, lead the Thad Five to a national championship, then go be the #1 draft pick in the NBA and save some hapless franchise?

Well, apparently, someone forgot to tell Kevin Durant that he's supposed to lie down and accept Carmelo status to Greg Oden's LeBron James, because he lost his ever-lovin' mind tonight. Durant poured in 37 points and grabbed an astounding 23 rebounds (he also had 3 steals) in Texas' 78-64 victory over Bobby Knight's Texas Tech Red Raiders. The manchild Oden managed only 9 points and 6 rebounds, along with two blocks, in tOSU's 78-60 victory over Purdue (a team nowhere in Texas Tech's league).

Before you begin, tOSU marks, I know. Oden's still not playing with both hands, blah blah blah, I don't fucking care. Kevin Durant has never been held to less than 10 points in his college career, and he's snagged 13 double-doubles in 21 games. Durant is, by turns, an unstoppable inside force and impossible to stop on the perimeter.

Oden's a great pure center, don't get me wrong, but he's Bill Russell, while Durant is something like a faster Kevin Garnett, if Garnett didn't mind mixing it up inside. You can throw bodies at Oden and get him in foul trouble, but Durant's either going to run around your big guys or run through your guards. Good luck trying to stop him.