An Open Letter to God
Listen, I know were not good buddies. I dont go to church (because it interferes with football season), I dont tithe (because I need beer money), and the only burnt offerings Ive ever made you have been little pieces of burger, hot dog, and pork that have fallen into the coals on my tailgating grill, but for some reason youre looking out for me. Im not sure why, but at the same time, Im not going to look a gift Jesus in the mouth.
I just wanted to thank you for all the good work youve done this week. Sure, Kentucky lost to Florida at the buzzer, and Ill admit that sucked. I was pretty pissed off by that, but hell, you allowed them to play beyond themselves and almost win despite completely sucking for the first 30 minutes of the game.
But this time youve outdone yourself, you magnificent bastard.
For the first time in 184 weeks, the Duke Blue Devils are out of the Top 25 in the Coaches Poll. Also, for the first time in 200 weeks, the Dookies have been flushed from the AP Top 25 poll, too. From the bottom of my sin- and cholesterol-encrusted heart, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, Heavenly Father.
From here on out, Im done with voodoo. No more leaving rum for Jobu, no more Buddha statues, no more ululating for Allah, and definitely no more ancestor worship and human sacrifice. From here on out, its all you, Big Guy.
Nowand I hate to be a bother after youve done me so many favors alreadyif you could just get to work on the whole keep Duke out of the NCAA tournament thing, well I dont know what Ill do yet, but youll love it. Ill burn up some goats, Ill kill a witch, Ill stone some Sodomites, Ill get circumcised Ill party like its 99 BC.
Big ups to You, Big Boss Deity!
P.S.: Satan, since I know youre listening in, tell UNC coach Roy Williams that his soul is totally worth it for beating Duke. Eternity in Hell isnt cool, but it has to be worth it to smack the smug smirk off Coach Mike Krzyzewskis face.
02/13/07 | Posted by Ron | Category An Open Letter To...
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