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This is the archive for February 2007

An Open Letter to God

Dear God,

Listen, I know we’re not good buddies. I don’t go to church (because it interferes with football season), I don’t tithe (because I need beer money), and the only burnt offerings I’ve ever made you have been little pieces of burger, hot dog, and pork that have fallen into the coals on my tailgating grill, but for some reason you’re looking out for me. I’m not sure why, but at the same time, I’m not going to look a gift Jesus in the mouth.

I just wanted to thank you for all the good work you’ve done this week. Sure, Kentucky lost to Florida at the buzzer, and I’ll admit that sucked. I was pretty pissed off by that, but hell, you allowed them to play beyond themselves and almost win despite completely sucking for the first 30 minutes of the game.

But this time you’ve outdone yourself, you magnificent bastard.

For the first time in 184 weeks, the Duke Blue Devils are out of the Top 25 in the Coaches’ Poll. Also, for the first time in 200 weeks, the Dookies have been flushed from the AP Top 25 poll, too. From the bottom of my sin- and cholesterol-encrusted heart, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, Heavenly Father.

From here on out, I’m done with voodoo. No more leaving rum for Jobu, no more Buddha statues, no more ululating for Allah, and definitely no more ancestor worship and human sacrifice. From here on out, it’s all you, Big Guy.

Now—and I hate to be a bother after you’ve done me so many favors already—if you could just get to work on the whole ‘keep Duke out of the NCAA tournament’ thing, well… I don’t know what I’ll do yet, but you’ll love it. I’ll burn up some goats, I’ll kill a witch, I’ll stone some Sodomites, I’ll get circumcised…I’ll party like it’s 99 BC.

Big ups to You, Big Boss Deity!



P.S.: Satan, since I know you’re listening in, tell UNC coach Roy Williams that his soul is totally worth it for beating Duke. Eternity in Hell isn’t cool, but it has to be worth it to smack the smug smirk off Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s face.