An Open Letter to Lennox Lewis
Listen, dude, I know what you’re thinking. You see all these fights, and all these fighters as part of your job with HBO Sports announcing boxing. You look at the woeful state of the heavyweight division and you think to yourself, “You know, old bean. These pugilists are woefully inadequate. We could vault over this barricade and give these scousers a right wallop on the coconut.”
Then you have a hot cup of tea and crumpets and get your hair rebraided. But it's not that simple.
That’s all well and good, but you’re 41 years old and you’ve got your brains intact after a lifetime of boxing. You’ve got a high-paying gig as an announcer. To top it all off, you’ve never been a big fan of, y’know, training, and in order to come back you’d have to train off a lot of bangers and mash, old chap. Even though you’d be fighting a Klitschko, and even though you fight your best fight in the rematch after you’d gotten your ass kicked, you’ve also never gone so long without training.
I know it’s a lot for someone who isn’t a giant black British man to tell you that it’s probably in your best interest not to come back, get your brains scrambled, and cash a gigantic fucking check. I’m a boxing fan, though. I don’t want to see you get your ass kicked, and I sure as hell don’t want to see a couple of out-of-shape guys panting and groping like someone put Ecstasy in their water bottles.
You did something that legends do. You retired as the world champion. The undisputed world champion, no less. That’s a short list, my friend. It’s you, Gene Tunney, and Rocky Marciano. Do you really want to fuck that up for a check and the privilege to piss blood for a few weeks after a giant Russian turns your kidneys into mince pie?
I think, deep down, you don’t want this. I don’t know if you’ve ever wanted it, which is why you were always lazy and kind of tubby for most of your career. Do yourself a favor, and don’t shit on your legacy for a quick buck. Tommy Morrison doesn’t have a legacy, so I don’t blame him for coming back. Plus he’s magically free of HIV, so he’s probably a wizard and thus can beat anyone in boxing. But you’re just a guy with Whoopi Goldberg hair.
Don’t be like Sly Stallone. Don’t be like George Forman (second comeback, not the first one). Don’t be like Evander Holyfield. For the love of God, don’t be like Roberto Duran. Pretend boxing is beer and know when to say when.
Cheers,
Ron
PS: Jade says she will hurt you if she sees your lazy ass anywhere near a ring without a suit on and a microphone in your hand. Do you really want that?
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