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This is the archive for February 2007

Of curses and sports deaths in triplicate

Bill Simmons likes to say that, because they suck, Boston is cursed this year. When Dennis Johnson died (third-best point guard of the 1980's behind Magic and Isiah Thomas) and Simmons dug into his massive folder of prewritten Celtic obits, he reiterated this point. I'm not buying it, at all. After all, while DJ's death was early, he was still in his 50's.

Broncos running back Damien Nash was 24. He dropped dead shortly after participating in a charity basketball game for the Darris Nash Find A Heart Foundation, named after Damien's older brother who is a heart transplant recipient. You can say what you want about the character of the average NFL player, but this guy seems like a good egg, and it's never good when someone dies so young, leaving behind an infant daughter.

If there's a website or a place to donate money to the Find A Heart Foundation, let me know. It's a worthy cause, there's no doubt about that.

The Dumber...The Better.

Ya know, I’m starting to believe more and more that the more mentally inept you are in sports, the more likelier you are to get hired as head coach or GM/Team President. I think the NFL’s got it all wrong with the Rooney Rule. It’s not working.

The problem isn’t that these coaches who aren’t getting interviewed are too black, they’re too S-M-A-R-T. They’re capable of breaking down plays and they’re capable of drawing up gameplans that don’t resemble some scribble scrabble you’d see a dyslexic two year old doodling in his coloring book. Where am I going with this? San Diego and what mentally deficient dumbass one A.J. Smith has to be in order to hire Norv Turner to coach this team.

Now, not to state the obvious, but unless Norv pulls a Switzer and takes this team to a Super Bowl championship [going will NOT be enough to save this team or the move to boot Martyball out of the 6-1-9], this will rank as the absolute worst coaching move in NFL history [and this is really saying a LOT]. You don’t up and fire coaches that go 14-2. In the history of the NFL, only two other coaches have left after seasons close to that and they both left A) of their own free will and B) with bling on their fingers after hoisting the Lombardi Trophy.

I don’t think Norv has it in him to hoist a Pop Warner Trophy, let alone guide a team that was only three second half miscues and one schtoinked field goal from possibly running the table a few months ago. Indy wouldn’t have beaten San Diego. Not no way, not no how. Norv’s failed miserably in two previous stops prior to coming back to San Diego. This isn’t a Belichick Project here where he failed in one spot, learned from his errors and is ready to light the world on fire. HE FAILED IN OAKLAND AND WASHINGTON DAMNIT!

I believe if you fail in two different places as a head coach, just quit. Coaching is not your line of work or field of expertise. Sadly, we live in a world where the stupid are handsomely rewarded and well, the Rooney Rule has to be made up to give blacks a remote puncher’s chance if that of getting interviewed. I’d like to pretext all of this by saying I’m not racist or the like, I’m simply sick of stupid ass coaches getting 3rd and 4th chances they DO NOT DESERVE. Norv Turner got passed up and over by SEVERAL different teams this offseason, including Dallas who thought Wade Phillips would be a better fit than him. Blitzburgh, hell, even ARIZONA didn’t bother giving Norv Turner a call. If you can’t get Arizona to give you a call or even give your resume a PEEK, leave the coaching ranks IMMEDIATELY.

Prediction’s simple. The Bolts will short circuit next year. They’ll be the most talented non-playoff team in the league and I’m predicting that there will be a walkout during the final home game of the year to protest the failed year that could’ve been.

Norv Turns the Corner Towards San Diego

Despite the fact that earlier this week, the Bolts claimed that they had just finished round one of interviews and might still add in future candidates, is reporting San Diego Chargers have agreed in principle to hire Norv Turner as their new head coach.

This will be Norv Turner's third go-round as a head coach. He previously coached the Oakland-Los Angeles Raiders and the Washington Redskins, both with losing records overall before Norv was fired. Hopefully coaching the team considered to have the best offensive talent in the league helps.

Rich, your prediction came true. Now, is this good news or bad news for a Chargers team who didn't even attempt to lure Pete Carroll out of USC before hiring Norv? Personally, not knowing more than just stats about Norv, I'll wait and see how he does as head coach for the Bolts for half a season before I make my opinion.

Giants Fallout Offseason.

When the great George Carlin talked about on his last HBO special opening up an All-Suicide Channel, he must've been referring to Giants fans as possible participants in that fun. The new Giants GM, Jerry Reese, has released LaVar Arrington, Luke Petitgout, and Carlos Emmons. All three former Giants starters have been plagued with injuries and poor performances when healthy. In other words, that was all on the players that they released. This seems to be independent of the obsessive thoughts of one Giants fan who wants to fire Coughlin. (No, Len. They aren't. So stop it.)

When it comes down to it, Reese didn't have much choice with LaVar. LaVar's injured Achilles tendon was only the icing on the cake for an under performing season and some change that he actually did play. He was going to earn 900,000 next season, due to not receiving any bonuses from failing to meet incentive terms. Petitgout was a victim of the youth movement. After receiving a broken leg during the Chicago game, David Diehl was forced to move to his tackle spot. Diehl proved to be the better choice in that move. If kept, Luke would have made 5 million. Emmons fell victim to a constantly injured pectoral muscle which caused him to play 36 games over three seasons. He missed a total of 11 games over his tenure. Emmons was due to make 2 million each year on the last two years of his deal.

Eactor in the retirement of Tiki "John Lennon" Barber with all of that fallout. Reese has freed up a lot of salary cap space to make the team in the image of what both he and Tom Coughlin want. Don't worry, Giants fans, you can see Tiki more than you wanted to, only on NBC!

Again, let's state. Coughlin's staying. Tiki retired. White Trash Shockey is still there. Two starting LBs gone. Your former Tackle is gone. If I were Strahan, I'd shut up and not talk, even to curse out defenseless woman reporters.

As always, I'll cover more offseason fallout from the South and East of the NFL. Have fun with this one...

Pack up your Schott and get the hell out!

Marty Schottenheimer was fired today. He's the third Chargers coach to leave, and most likely not the last. Of course, Marty was the only coach who wasn't leaving the team of his own free will for greener pastures. No, no. In a shocking decision today, Marty was fired as head coach of the San Diego Chargers. Team President Dean Spanos is citing a "dysfunctional situation" between Marty and General Manager A.J. Smith as the reason for the Monday evening firing.

So, goodbye Marty. Apparently you screwed up the only reason they were keeping you around--your stable coaching staff with the fact that both your offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator go off to their own head coaching jobs. Now Marty will have to find a new team next year to get that monkey off your back. The bigger mistake that the Chargers are making by firing you now and having to pay you three million dollars to get rid of you? Not doing it two months ago so they could have hired their own offensive or defensive coordinator for the head coaching job before they left for Miami and Dallas. So, they should have waited another year and are making a horrible mistake by doing it at this point in the off-season most likely. But honestly, good riddance.

So, what's next for the Chargers? I hope that the Chargers seize upon Arizona's mistake and hire Tennessee Titains offensive coordinator Norm Chow as their new Head Coach, if he has any interest at all. And I hope that this lack of stability during the off-season, and this definite late start, doesn't fuck over the Chargers chances at next year. While it probably will, Marty would have done that on his own next year anyway, late start or not.

The Shawne Merriman rule

The NFL has a habit of naming rules after players. There’s the Roy Williams rule, banning the horse-collar tackle. There’s the Deacon Jones rule, banning the hitting or slapping. The Bronco Nagurski rule made the forward pass legal from anywhere behind the line of scrimmage. And now, there’s the Shawne Merriman rule, which bans any player who tests positive for a performance-enhancing drug from the Pro Bowl during the year in which they cheated.

I’m sure this will raise Jaime’s ire, but I wholeheartedly agree with this rule and I think it’s a damn shame that it can’t be made retroactive to ban Shawne Merriman from the Pro Bowl this year. He didn’t earn this position; he shot up with enough steroids to kill a horse and got his spot in the Pro Bowl through chemical means. See also Romanowski, Bill.

If a player gets caught cheating, then really, the entire year’s accomplishments up until the game after he returns from his suspension should be wiped out. That tainted supplement bullshit doesn’t fly with me; even if the supplements are tainted, these are the same supplements the guy’s been using the entire season, so he’s been ‘roided up the entire season. Shawne Merriman should only get credit for the tackles, sacks, and whatever else he did after he came back from his juicing punishment, and none of the stuff that happened before then. Anyone who blames their suspension on someone else should be fined double the amount and suspended extra games for not being man enough to admit they got caught with a needle in their ass.

Cheaters shouldn’t prosper (if they're dumb enough to get caught).

And bragging rights go to...

So, I'm lazy and I don't have the full stats for our picks for the playoffs (for those of us who made them), but going into tonight Ron and I were tied for first place.

I picked the Colts to win and Ron picked the Bears if it was raining (which it was).

Thus, the queen of Sports Bastards playoff picks is your one and only. I normally don't like to brag, but I feel it is my duty since I won bragging rights. :) Yay me. Okay, enough bragging; let's move onto the team that really has bragging rights.

Congratulations to the World Champion Indianapolis Colts! And furthermore, congratulations to the Super Bowl MVP -- Peyton Manning. I love the big, goofy QB with a laser rocket arm. :) I look forward to even more Peyton Manning commercials in 2007.

Colts Win 29 - 17, despite the fact that Tony Romo paid Hunter Smith, the holder for the Colts, to try and throw the game.

J.R. Brown's Super Bowl Odds List

Since it's going to be a semi-official list, I used my first two initials. Only three people know my first name, that being Ron, Jaime Sue, and Jade. All three know that I would buy plane tickets to hurt Ron, get hurt by Jade, and tickle the hell out of Jaime Sue if that was revealed. Anyways, the people want to know why make a big Rich prediction thread? It's easy, you have to go even further than the experts do.

Also, a big note. If you only knew the work that Ron and Jaime Sue are putting in for our six month deal. Over 14000 hits wasted here, and nobody from the Islamic Republic of Iran has banned us yet. So, when it comes to it, we're redecorating a bit... I would say that I'm contributing, but Ron won't let me near the back end of the site. The coding is all on him, and the design is all on Jaime. All I did was get Ron his coding material. When it's done, we'll look different for at least another six months...

Now on to the odds...
[ Read More... ]

Super Bowl XLI Predictions

Alright, folks. Tomorrow is the now overhyped and commercialized Super Bowl XLI aka Soul Bowl I aka Negro Bowl I aka The Jungle Bowl aka The Watermelon, Chicken and Grits Bowl aka The Chitlins Bowl. Yeah, bring on the jokes that not even Ron could think of without help from others. Before I get too long in this one, we'll go to the Vegas odds.

At the start of the season here's how it looked...

Indianapolis Colts 13/2
Chicago Bears 17/1

Tells you how much Vegas knows, doesn't it?

This Super Bowl, the Vegas Odds are leaning towards the Colts, believe it or not. They base it on the QB rating, the defense of the past few weeks, and even Vinateri's PAT/FG numbers. Seems that Sex Cannon is a bit too inconsistent for the Vegas crew.

I'm not going to predict immediately, not until tomorrow's column. However, leave your predictions in the comment field.

Everything old is old again.

Brett Favre (remember when I tried to do a recap of every weekend in my Hits & Shits column and made Brett Farve my running joke? Neither do I!) has decided to take a clue from his political hero (probably not), John Kerry, and flip flop like a delicious buttermilk pancake. That’s right kids, the Favre Retirement Tour, much like the retirement tours of KISS, Cher, and The Who, is back again for yet another tour of duty and hundreds of more rounds of announcer-on-Favre fellatio!