This ESPN headline caption is gold: “Cincy probing reports of recruits lured by sex, alcohol.” Meanwhile, in southern Ohio, former soccer players are being given alcohol and are probed by 4 recruits and 4 current Bearcats at a party. In the spirit of sharing, Bearcat style, I’ll allow you to pick your own punch line.

1. “That’s the first time all year the Cincinnati Bearcats football squad played like a team”

2. “This girl was a hell of a juggler, given how well she could handle 16 balls at once.”

3. “Those recruiting budget cutbacks are a real pain in the ass (and mouth, and pussy), huh, Megan?”

4. “Anna Benson thinks this girl is an amateur.”

5. “This is clearly a violation of NCAA bylaws. Title IX clearly states that the athlete to whore ratio cannot exceed 3-1.”

6. “Our star recruiter has more pricks inside her than an inverted porcupine.”

7. “Just imagine how good she could be if she was allowed to use her hands!”

8. “At Cincinnati, our generous alumni are always giving back to the students. Our motto is spread the love, and we live by our creed.”