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This is the archive for April 2007

Rednecks waste beer.

This post will be full of a bunch of random shit, why? I don't have it in me to bitch or ramble about any of these things for more than a sentence or two.

1) Congratulations to Jeff Gordon - Well done on passing Dale Earnhardt on the all-time wins list for NASCAR, moving you up into sixth place. Just a single week after you tied him. Jeff is having an awesome season -- as is evident by the over-usage of him in our NASCAR fantasy team. But you have to pick the guy when he's on a hot streak. And even though people have every right to dislike you and be upset, I agree, that it's just trashy of fans to throw beer cans at you. It adds to the awful reputation of redneck hickdom that NASCAR fans have developed. Yes, it was Dale Earnhardt's birthday. But what will the image people left with on that day? Was it someone they liked or hated breaking Dale's record? No. It was the image of fans throwing beer cans and toilet paper on the track. I tell you the only reason Dale Earnhardt would be upset about Jeff breaking his record on Sunday, would be if Jeff hadn't beaten his record when he could. It is racing. You don't get to take into consideration when you're going whose birthday it is, who is your friend, because in the end.. Race hard, drive fast and turn left. Plus, does throwing beer cans on the track really show the world that you're upset? No, it shows them that you're a hick and you probably just proved them right.

2) Well done Dale Jr. We'll even ignore the rumors that you've been offered a majority ownership of DEI (though now we're hearing rumors of DEI discussing merging with Robert Yates Racing.) But anyone who knows me, knows my dislike of Jr had been almost as strong as my hatred of Tony Stewart. But lately Junior you've been acting like a man. Debunking myths that your father hated Jeff Gordon, encouraging your fans not to throw things at Gordon if and when he beat your father's record (which he did on Saturday). And even commenting on how much you appreciated his tribute to your father. Well done. You're growing up, not acting like an immature little brat on the track.. and the only reason you piss me off lately.. is because I don't want to like you, but most of the time you are earning my respect.

3) KFC Series, The Fried Chicken League, The Colonel Sanders Cup - In other words KFC has emerged as one of the leaders in winning the title sponsorship for the Busch Series as Anheiser Busch will end their 25 year relationship with NASCAR. Subway also remains a leading contender. And according to others also still showing interest include dark horse candidate Dish Network, Checkers/Rally's, Domino's Pizza, Burger King, Arby's and McDonald's. Dish Network being a dark horse because of NASCAR's strong relationship with DirectTV.

4) Tony not having fun - Race announcers this week were sure to over exaggerate and point out the two times that the caution for debris actually helped Tony Stewart over other racers, but that didn't mean that Smoke wasn't still pissed off leaving the track Sunday night, because he was. Tony once again was spun out during the race, this time during the green-white checkered flag attempt (the race ended on a yellow). He was left frustrated as he was bumped and spun into the wall. And then was hit by another driver probably seeking retaliation for the Busch Series Race (something Tony pretended not to understand). Tell you what Tony, you need to do a lot more charity work to work off your shitty Karma points lately. Being a hypocrite I don't think helps you in that area.

5) There isn't really a 5.. so, let's make one up. If you like all the hard racing lately, go check out the NHL playoffs. (No, I'm not getting paid), but there have been some excellent games as of yet. Better quality than I expected. So, enjoy some hard hits, great saves and amazing goals.

The Move Which Made Saturday And Sunday Irrelevant...

Took place when the Raiders dealt Randy Moss and a Lombardi Trophy to be won in February 2008, for a 4th round somebody who basically equates to "nobody significant". Now sure, that wasn't a part of the press release everyone's been reading and I'm sure everyone in Patriot Nation is doing every flip in the book over, but that's essentially what the Pats got yesterday afternoon. Now allow me to walk all of you down memory lane here for a hot second and this is quasi-personal to a degree. About 9 years ago, I was a Cowboys fan and on Draft Day, I sat in front of my television amped over the possibility of Randy Moss becoming a Cowboy. Teaming up with Irvin to put the 'Boys on top of the NFL and simply put, Aikman, Smith and Irvin getting one more big threat to become 'The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse'. I mean, even though Chan Gailey was no Jimmy Johnson, even HE couldn't have screwed that foursome up, right? Well, Jerry Jones passed on him and took Greg Ellis. 21 other teams did the same and the Vikings jumped at him. I predicted on that day, Moss would make the Cowboys pay for the snub and on Thanksgiving Day that season, he did just that. As good as Thanksgiving Dinner was, seeing Moss run up and down the field at will took the flavor out of it all for me.

Oh and don't believe or even buy into that whole "Moss is a cancer, I'd never take a player like that on my team" crap. The morons and fans who believe that are your Browns, Colts and Eagles fans who are still wondering if they'll win one in this lifetime or in the case of the Colts, when #2 will come because it won't be next season. Or the season after that, or the one after that. Before I came to the library to type this up, I had a nice column all written out about the Draft and what not until the computer I typed it on locked up on me. Lost the whole thing. Then, the more I sat down and thought it over, the article itself was a moot point thanks to Moss going to New England.

An Open Letter to Joe Torre

Dear Joe,

No, I’m not here to join the horde of Yankees fans screaming for your head right now. It’s not your fault there’s a ton of players on the DL at the moment, and for the most part, you’re dealing with the hand you’re being dealt. Besides, it’s the last year of your contract; chances are, you’ll be off to Retirement Land once the season’s done anyway. Why throw things into even more chaos by attempting a mid-season replacement?

No, I’m here to have a little chat with you about a few of the things you CAN control:

1. Why in God’s name is Johnny Damon not on the DL? It’s painfully clear (no pun intended) every time he steps up to the plate that he’s a hurting man. His ongoing back issues have also reduced his already limited throwing capacity, as Julio Lugo made embarrassingly obvious this afternoon by going from first to third on a hit Johnny fielded from maybe 20 feet away from second base. If Damon was healthy, even with his poor arm, Lugo would have been out at third by five feet (assuming he’d have even made the attempt). I understand Johnny’s never been on the DL in his career, and I’m sure he’s proud of that feat, but that pride should not take precedence over what’s good for the team. This is why you have Melky Cabrera on the roster; to give injured outfielders time to recover. You did it for Matsui; now it’s time to do it for Johnny Damon, whether he likes it or not.

2. Let’s face facts, the bullpen (except for Mariano Rivera, of course) has never been one of the Yankees’ strong points. Yes, the current state of affairs with the starting rotation requires leaning on them a little more, but the way you’re using them is clearly not helping matters. You yank some of these guys after one inning even when they’re pitching well, and the next guy promptly blows the game. It looks like you’re trying to spread the work out evenly in the hopes of reducing the possibility of injury, but all you’re doing is tiring them all out at the same time. Furthermore, all this does is show just how inconsistent this bullpen is even on a good day. You’re not going to get the same performance two days in a row out of any of them, so why don’t you try leaving someone in if they’re actually putting on a good show? If they get into trouble, then make the switch—or if worse comes to worst, leave them in. If they cough up the game, they cough up the game—maybe tomorrow’s pitcher will do better, especially with an extra day’s rest. At this point, better to use up one bullpen arm in a day than four of them.

3. I know you like to be an even-tempered kind of guy, but this year, it’s like you found the Prozac prescription Lou Piniella forgot in Tampa. When was the last time you got off the damn bench and stuck up for your players? Matsuzaka plunks your two best hitters and you don’t make a peep. Even if it wasn’t done deliberately, you didn’t even protest the fact that there was no warning issued. Jeter gets nailed by Kazmir, takes a shot to the thigh that could put him on the DL. Kazmir then nearly hits Abreu, A-Rod AND Giambi and still your ass remains on the pine. I don’t expect you to turn into Sweet Lou, Joe, but Christ almighty, would it kill you to make some kind of display once in a while to show us you actually still give a shit?

It’s too early to panic, and with any luck, the Yankees will get past this rash of injuries and well on their way again to yet another playoff spot. Joe, you haven’t missed the playoffs since you took this job, and if this year’s going to be your last, I’d like to see you go out on top. Don’t make me come looking for you with the barbed-wire covered bat in hand.


Jade :)

Kyle Busch really needs to work on that whole "left turn" thing.

This is an impressive wreck. That's why these guys make the big bucks, because they can roll a flaming car 7 times.

Is that a foot in your mouth or is that just Tony Stewart?

So, Tony Stewart shot off his big mouth again. Is anyone honestly surprised? Tony Stewart has a repeated history of shooting off his mouth. Hell, that's probably why Sirius radio decided to give the asshole his own show. Now, all these thoughts of Tony Stewart have nothing to do with me being indoctrinated by 'big brother Bill France' and his train of thought. So, let's look at his argument a little bit.

Tony decided to declare on Monday (after he lost.. only getting 2nd place. He refused to talk to the press after the race, because he claims he didn't want to diss the officials in an angry tone). The real reason? Tony's a sore loser. There would be no conspiracy theories being thrown out there by Tony if he'd won. But Tony doesn't like it when other drivers win. He hates it a lot, he hates it more than any other driver out there today.

Tony believes that NASCAR shouldn't be able to throw cautions when there is debris on the track. Instead, it seems tony wants to let the drivers keep driving around until someone blows a tire, flies into the wall and causes a lot more damage that could have been avoided. Because that would mean that NASCAR officials couldn't conspire against Tony to fix the race so another guy wins.

There's a few flaws here in Tony's argument. 1) NASCAR most likely would want to fix the race to let smoke win over Gordon. Smoke's probably the more popular driver. A lot of people hate Jeff Gordon because of a false impression of how Earnhardt viewed Gordon. 2) NASCAR has always tried to put a drivers safety first and whenever they do call the caution, it's for a good reason and to prevent accidents, not to interfere with the racing and the race outcome itself. In example, the 2007 Daytona 500. Despite the fact there was an accident in the backfield, NASCAR did not throw the caution flag and let time markers decide the outcome of the race. Instead, they waited until after the leaders had raced it out on that final lap before throwing the caution in order to create the most fair outcome to the race. There was no risk to cause further accidents with the accident in the backfield and the leaders not going to go spinning down into it on the track. 3) If NASCAR wanted to fix races to get more fans to watch, Dale Earnhardt Jr. would have won a lot more races. Jr is the most popular driver in NASCAR and all outlooks for the future right now point to that fact not changing.

Tony likes to shout off his hypocritical mouth. Despite the fact if this conspiracy existed lots would argue those cautions have probably helped Tony in the past and he would have never called out this conspiracy during those races he lost.

So, now Tony admits that he has damaged the sport and has disappointed his peers in shooting his mouth off. Again, is anyone surprised? This happens a lot with Tony. He says something stupid and he apologizes. Please note that almost everyone will forgive his hypocritical ass.

"To be honest, the group that I spoke with this morning is a group of peers that I trust. If they tell me the stuff is out there, I believe them," he said. "I should have went to them instead of just saying it out in public. That's frustration that's been building up for weeks with me with all these debris cautions."

But the thing I would like to most point out here, is the fact that NASCAR did not punish Tony for his remarks (which any of the other big sports leagues do and will continue to punish athletes and coaches for speaking out against the officiating). Yes, he did receive a penalty, but only because he refused to talk with the press after the race last weekend (the top 3 finishers are obligated to do so according to NASCARs rules). So, in NASCAR free speech is still allowed. As long as it is family friendly (as Juan Montoya learned that his middle finger is worthy of a blur and a fine).

And will we see this happen again with Tony Stewart? Yes. Why? He won't get punished for it and the sore loser has his own radio show on satellite radio. He'll continue to do it again and again. And why Tony does a lot of charity work, it really doesn't make up for his behavior around racing (on and off the track). I wish he would have stuck by his claims that he'll retire when he has enough money to live off of for the rest of his life.

The sock smelled 'round the world.

Very few people talk about the way the Yankees collapsed in the 2004 ALCS. Almost no one mentions the fact that Boston destroyed St. Louis in the World Series. That’s an afterthought, like the Super Bowl after a couple of thrilling conference championship games. What people talk about, more than Manny or Papi or anything else, is the bloody sock of Curt Schilling.

That bloody sock is the Zapruder film of the Baseball Hall Of Fame.

Red Sox die-hards say it’s really blood and that everyone who says otherwise is a Yankees fan or an idiot, which ignores the fact that there was no obvious progress of blood from a point of origin outward into the material of the sock, the blood did not change colors during the game, and the blood didn’t seem to seep into Schilling’s stirrups. The blood appeared, in that spot and in that shape, without actually growing or changing throughout the game, despite the fact that continued movement would continually reopen whatever wound caused the initial blood. I’m aware that blood dries and wounds scab, but if he really did open a suture, the wound would have bled a whole lot more and every time he moved or disturbed the thin layer of crust connecting the wound to the sock, it’d bleed a little more.

Was Curt really injured? Of course he was. I’ve seen the scar on his ankle. Hell, he lost the 2005 season because he pitched two games on a bad wheel and didn’t have time to heal properly. He’s even put up a $1 million charitable donation on the line for anyone who can prove he faked the bloody sock, so he must be fairly confident I won’t break into Cooperstown and sneak off with the sock for DNA testing. Also, I don’t have a spare million bucks to donate to ALS research (though if I did, I would).

Curt Schilling probably didn’t fake the bloody sock, but I guarantee you he knew the whole time it had a little blood on it and he left it on so people would notice it and comment on it. The same thing happening twice is pretty suspicious, at least to me, but maybe he wore the same sock twice. The one thing I do know is he pitched in a hell of a lot of pain, and that SHOULD be all that matters. But it’s not, because Curt loves attention.

One quick test would end the controversy, and that’s why this will never happen. Curt’s pitching performance will be enough to keep him a memorable figure, but the bloody sock is something Boston fans will tell their pasty, whiny children about. It’s the stuff of legend, the blood sacrifice that reversed the curse of the Bambino. I guarantee you a guy like Curt loves that thought; he’s a student of baseball history and this bloody sock makes him a part of baseball history.

I think Schilling has too much respect for the game to blatantly fake the bloody sock, but too much of a desire to be talked about to put the rumors completely to bed. So long as he’s being talked about, and people are talking to him, this will never completely go away. Curt won’t let it go away, either.

All I know is, when I stepped off the mound my sock didn't look like no goddamn maxi-pad.

Those fruity Eagles.

The 1933 throwback Philadelphia Eagles uniforms are either the gayest thing ever or the most gay-looking thing ever.

It’s not so much the fact that the baby blue and canary-piss yellow color scheme makes UCLA’s uniforms look masculine as much as it is the fact that the team is making a 1933 throwback jersey in stretchy, shiny fabric that just seems to accentuate the gayness of the color scheme like stretch pants accentuate cellulite. I know today’s players are kind of pussies, what with the breathable fabrics and non-leather helmets, but come on! Find a way to tone down the fucking sparkle so you don’t look like Liberace’s bedspread.

Maybe they'll look better in reality than they look on the website, but those aren't the best colors to painfully stretch across the ponderous bulk of a 350-pound offensive lineman. How about some matte finish, too? Would it kill you to bust out the 40-pound wool uniforms (or at least something not shiny!) for one game?

EDIT: It looks better with the helmet, but I don't like the pants, I don't like the fact it's so shiny, and I don't like the fact that the throwback isn't long-sleeved like the original (top left).

Making it sprinkle with Whitlock.

Jason Whitlock "So, I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. I was actually at that same strip club two weeks before [the Pacman Jones incident]. We were trying to go to Sapphire's instead, actually, but our cab driver hustled us into going to Minxx. I think he got like $60 a person for bringing people there."

Audience Member "Did you make it rain?"

Whitlock "We made it sprinkle."

Quotes like these are why I like Jason Whitlock. Also, this will probably be the only time I ever link to The Harvard Crimson, unless of course their lacrosse team gangbangs a black stripper. Don’t let me down Ha’vaad.

(obligitory 'tip to DS)

Juan Pablo learns that The Bird is universal.

Juan Pablo Montoya probably didn’t endear himself to NASCAR fans (or the FCC) last week when he flipped them the bird on live national television. That little accidental slip of the finger (he claims he thought he was flipping off his documentary crew) is going to cost Pablo $10,000 for conduct detrimental to stock car racing. In addition, he’s on probation until December 31st.

There’s no word yet on whether or not Dean Wormer is going to try to throw the rest of Delta House off campus. Since it’s probation, and not double secret probation, I think Bluto, Otter, Boon, D-Day, and Pinto can rest easy for now. The fundraising toga party will be this Friday at Delta House.

Music provided by Otis Day and the Knights. Folk-singing pussies are not invited.

Panic! In the Bronx

The Yankees, no doubt in a panic after losing to the Devil Rays 6-4 last night, have finally pulled the trigger on a move everyone knew was coming. Twenty-year-old pitching phenomenon Philip Hughes (long the only untouchable Yankee minor league prospect) is being called to the majors to fill in the holes in the rotation until Mike Mussina is able to come back. As MSNBC ominously noted, Hughes is the youngest pitcher to start for the Yankees since Jose Rijo in 1984.

As a Reds fan, I remember Jose Rijo quite well. He was the ace of our 1990 World Series championship team that murdered the Bash Brothers Oakland Athletics (he was also MVP of the series). Immensely talented (and an All Star in 1994), Rijo spent his entire career troubled by arm problems, especially in his elbow. By 1995, Rijo was out of the league (save a brief comeback in 2001 02, in which he played well at age 37 and won the Tony Conigliaro Award for courage).

Pitchers seem to be a mixed bag. Some more knowledgeable in baseball than myself feel the way to develop a pitcher is to move him up, slowly, through the minor leagues. Some folks feel that there’s only a certain level you can get a guy to in the minors before you have to bring him into the majors, because, to steal a phrase, there are only so many bullets in the gun, and that every pitch thrown in the minors is a pitch that could’ve been used in the majors. I fall somewhere in the middle; pitchers do have a limited lifespan but the easiest way to kill a youngster’s arm is to rush him into the major leagues (Rijo, Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, possibly Francisco Liriano).

I’m not going so far as to say this is a mistake by Brian Cashman and the rest of the Yankees higher-ups, but they are panicking. That’s obvious. I mean, this guy is a first round draft pick, and he’s playing incredibly well in Scranton. So far the only thing he’s got in common with Jose Rijo is potential and right handedness, but if they don’t watch this guy carefully, limit his pitch count, and stick to a schedule with him, they’re going to break him down.

The last thing the Yankees need is another young, injury-prone pitcher to go with their old injury-prone pitchers, and hurlers these days seem to be a lot more fragile than they were only 10 years ago.

State of the Sports Bastards Address

Hey gang, this is your fearless leader Ron with a State of the Sports Bastards Address. Since I know everyone cares about the inner workings of this site. Right, moving on.

First of all, we recently passed the 400 post mark, which is quite an accomplishment. Most of the props go to me, of course, but Rich, Len, and Jaime have also done their fair share of work for the cause, and I’m most appreciative of their efforts. Chris has been invaluable in feeding me ideas because he’s too lazy to post, and Spin’s been organizing our fantasy sports contests. Everyone else is, uh, still alive, I think.

So, in honor of the 400th post, and because I’m ready to start making money off this bitch, you’re going to start seeing these little Yardbarker tags on every entry (feel free to try it out now). Basically what you do is you click this bitch here, go to Yardbarker, publish an article about whatever you saw here, and everyone rates the post high or low. Depending on your rating (and our awesomeness), the post will either move up or down on the Yardbarker front page.

And yes, starting now, this will be done for every post on this website, so I expect you all to go back through and rate us way high. I want Yardbarker to be Sports Bastards Jr. Don’t let me down, hear?

Keep commenting, keep linking your friends, keep trolling for linkbacks from other websites, keep writing and reading and doing your thing. We’re still looking for writers to cover soccer (MLS or international), a baseball person, and a person/people to cover niche international sports (cricket, rugby, etc.) Spread the word and spread the butter.



EDIT: On second thought, fuck the Yardbarker thing. I don't think I'm doing it right and it's just pissing me off. Instead, I added an idiot-proof Feedburner chicklet to our list of RSS feed options that nobody uses.

Hokie nation and hokey tributes.

While our beloved Jaime first commented on NASCAR’s efforts to pay tribute to the victims of the Gunfight at the Hokie Corral, Uni Watch blogger Paul Lukas, who never responded to my email asking him to link up to us (unlike Dan Shanoff, who replied to the letter but didn’t link us), has a fullish listing of the tribute efforts so far.

Suffice it to say, lots of class all around when it comes to the memorials.

Oh my God, look at his knee!

Mirko Cro Cop, you just got knocked the fuck out! Looks like Gabriel Gonzaga is just as much of a giant-killer as Gonzaga University is. Next stop, Gonzaga vs. Randy Coture.

EDIT: Also, this is post #400! Bully for us!

The untold Mitch Mustain iChat Convo

We here at Sports Bastards have this odd thing. Sometimes we can tap into secret convos like the guys over at PBoink's Dugout. Although B and crew actually get into MLB chats, our tech is so shitty that we can only get NCAA ones. But all the better, really. Here's the Mitch Mustain convo for all of you to gag at.

Mitch da Bitch MITCHDAMAN: so coach nutt I hate your fucking proggie bcause Reggie is teh star and im not so I'm gng 2 a scool that apprseaates me

Teh NUTT! bigARKnutt: Whar's dat, boy?

Teh TAN MAN coachPETE4sale: Right here at QB University, Houston. How're you doing, still losing in the SEC?

Teh NUTT! bigARKnutt: Fuck you, Carroll. God damn Yankee pretty boy! I know how to coach up some footbaw!

Teh Fat Whore! BeckTEHBoss: Eloquent as always, Houston. You damn inbred.

Teh NUTT! bigARKnutt: Oh Lawdy, who lat Jezebel in har!

Mitch da Bitch MITCHDAMAN: MOOOOOM! i'm trying to be a big boi an conduc sum busines

Teh Fat Whore! BeckTEHBoss: Mitchie! You know that Mommie makes all your business decisions for you. You're just not big enough yet, son.


Breakin' (a leg) 2: Electric Barbaro

Matronly old women and compulsive gamblers everywhere can now rejoice! Barbaro's got another brother! Now, this new baby horse hasn't even been named yet, but I managed to grab an exclusive picture of him on a surreptitious nightime drive through Lexington.

Click to see the exclusive image!

Another Mini-NASCAR update

Well, I figured I should do another one of these. Mostly because I've been really slacking on blogging lately. Blame Ron. (Just kidding, blame Rich.)

- In a nice tribute to the victims at Virginia Tech, for the next three weeks all cars in the Busch and Nextel Cup series will display a VT logo.

- Furthermore, NASCAR has dedicated the entire weekend of racing to the victims of the Virginia Tech tragedy.

- Night Racing begins this week in Phoenix. Jeff Gordon is on the poll as the boys hop back into the Car of Tomorrow to see how it does as the sun sets over the desert and the lights turn on.

- Junior and Kasey Kahne continue with a disappointing start to their seasons. At this rate, those boys won't be finding their way into the expanded chase field this year.

And I told you, mini update. Jimmie and Gordon are having an amazing start to their season. Juan Pablo in making a rookie mistake fails to piss off Tony Stewart, mostly because the lug sees himself in Juan. So, enjoy the racing this weekend and prepare yourself for more ranting against the Car of Tomorrow (or Car of Today) as the Drivers will most likely rant against it, again. Change is never an easy thing.

Mitch Mustain. Yes, again.

Hey kids, remember everyone's friend Mitch "The Bitch" Mustain? He was the guy who got the privlege of handing off to Darren McFadden and Felix Jones (the SEC's most feared rushing attack) for 8 games before being benched by Coach Houston "Bust a" Nutt for his constant whining, complaining, bitching, and generally acting like a spoiled little prep superstar.

Well, Coach gave him his release, Mitch finished out the semester (probably because Mommy made him), and where is our little star going to go now? Well, Quarterback U, of course! That's right, Mrs. Mustain's baby boy is heading out west, where he'll get to hold the clipboard for John David Booty and the five other quarterbacks on the USC roster.

If you didn't get enough playing time last year, Mitch, just wait until you're eligible to take snaps in Southern Cal.

Len Gotti's Seaon Ending Awards

Alright, final day of the regular season and there's only one spot up for grabs with plenty of positioning still left to do before we prepare for the only postseason that takes a backseat to the college folks.

I mean think about it, do you see brackets being made for the NBA Playoffs? Big office pools that has Rick Neuheisel ready to mortgage the farm or his career on the Mavs taking it all? Nope. But my grand Playoff Prognostication piece will come in about 48 hours from now, one day prior to the start of things on Saturday. [How does it feel TNT to be stuck with the Leastern Conference Finals while ESPN gets the Best-ern Conference Finals? I sincerely hope that's a rotating thing among the networks, because the best pregame in the business shouldn't have to be stuck selling a series *Detroit/Miami* that most of the basketball world could care less about.]

Anyhow, it's time for the Gotti Awards.

Rookie Of The Year- Brandon Roy, Portland Trail Blazers. Well, the good news is he'll have a piece of hardware as a consolation prize to probably the most excruciating season he has ever experienced. The bad news is not only is he stuck in the best conference on the planet, he doesn't have a ton of help on the way [since the Blazers probably don't figure to win the lottery…but IF THEY DO…whoa].

I don't really dally in the whole Sixth Man crap, so onto the Big Three of sorts.

Coach of the Year- Sam Mitchell, Toronto Raptors.

Someone has got to tell me how Avery Johnson deserves this award over a man who's got ten new players on his roster that he didn't have a year ago and wearing the ever prestigious Lame Duck label as he headed into this season. Someone's going to have to tell me how being the coach of the best team in the league makes you the Coach of the Year. A damn baboon could walk the sidelines in Dallas and the Mavs would still average about 60 wins a year. And if anything, Avery should really be praying to the Basketball Gods he doesn't win this thing. Because if the Mavs do not win the Larry O'Brien Trophy in June, he's going to come away looking like the biggest underachiever since himself a year ago.

Defensive Player Of The Year- Marcus Camby, Denver Nuggets.

I'm going to go on record as saying this right now. If the Nuggets can find a way around San Antonio in the first round, do not be shocked if the Nuggets run to the Finals. Matter of fact, the Spurs and Nuggets figure to be the best first round matchup this year because it's going to be Melo A.I. versus The San Antonio Patriots. Duncan and Camby are familiar with each other from their days at Wake Forest and UMass respectively, Melo's still trying to get out of the first round of the playoffs, the Spurs want people to respect them again and get their crown back. But still, Camby's been the man this year on a team that couldn't define defense without the help of Webster's.

Vince Young, beware of falling anvils.

Sorry, Titans fans. It looks like Vince Young is officially the next Eddie George. I hope you enjoyed watching him scramble and win last year, because this year he’s going to break something horribly and watch from the sidelines. Sorry about your luck (and his stupidity).

I do have one interesting thought, however. If you put the cover of Madden 2008 on the cover of Sports Illustrated, would that make coverboy VY10 immune to the Madden Curse, because the SI cover jinx would wipe it out? Or would this, in fact, compound the Madden Curse to the point where VY would be hit by a car being driven by Pacman Jones? Which voodoo is more powerful in this case?

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Joe Crawford is why I go to basketball games.

Joe Crawford, who looks like a penis in his little outfit, has to be one of the biggest dicks in the NBA. Not has, be. Subtle but important difference there. Why else would you throw a guy out of a game when he's sitting on the bench, laughing?

I agree with the announcers in the above Youtube clip. There's no way Crawford knows what Tim Duncan is laughing at (Bruce Bowen probably just told Timmah that Joey Crawford looks like a circumcised cock), and there's no way Duncan could have yelled out anything objectionable to Crawford from that far away while trying not to piss himself laughing.

Now, I'm in no position to really criticize Crawford, but the NBA is. Penishead has a history of overshadowing the games he officiates (and not in a good way like Ed "Cannons" Hochuli), and he's been warned by the NBA about this kind of thing before. Nobody wants to see the officials fuck up a perfectly good basketball game by being toot-happy, least of all Len's best friend Darth Stern.

I think this is the end of Joey Crawford. The end of the Crawford era, and the beginning of a new age of Dick (Bavetta) jokes!

Don Imus and the Media Frenzy

I haven't commented on the Don Imus controversy, despite the fact that, as a crux between sports, politics, and entertainment, it's right in my wheelhouse of things I care about. It's a media-created frenzy about a media figure who is meaningless, both in his own industry (that being radio) and in the world at large. This is completely ignorant.

College-aged women shouldn't be offended by the thoughts and throw-away comments of someone who has never met them, especially a fossil like Imus. The fact that they allowed themselves to be manipulated by a coach who wants her 15 minutes of fame and by media whores like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton should be a million times more offensive than being called a nappy-headed ho (and honestly? Some of them do need to become better acquainted with the hairbrush). I guarantee you every woman on that squad has a CD where women are called ho, bitch, and God knows what else. I also guarantee you that every single woman on that squad has been called and called some other woman a ho (they are in New Jersey).

All that said, thank goodness for someone with the brains of Jason Whitlock, who has the brains and proper color to put this controversy in its rightful place without being called an Imus-defending racist. I've always been a Whitlock fan, from his battles with Scoop Jackson to his current role on AOL Sports, and this latest trip through the publicity cycle has done absolutely nothing but raise my opinion of Whitlock as a journalist and as a man.

Keep up the good work, Big Sexy!

When "Significant Progress" Equates To "Annual Regress".

I swear, Isiah Thomas is my choice for Rasputin Lifetime Underachievment Award. If there was one, dig up the crusty bastico from his grave because damnit, Zeke's done it again. I'm not sure how he did it [and quite frankly I'd rather not know], but after managing to get an overpaid group of nonachievers into "playoff contention in the Eastern Conference" [which loosely translates into 'you're not a good team, but you're good enough to contend for a spot to have your ass kicked by either Detroit or Miami in the 1st round'], Dumblan deemed that as significant progress to keep Isiah around to continue running the NBA's most storied franchise on the Right Coast into Detroit Lion levels of ineptitude. Actually, I check that statement. Not even Matt Millen could do THIS fucked up a job running a franchise that's got the star power the Knicks have.

Here's a fun fact for most of you. Do you realize that over the past MONTH we've seen more of the Cavaliers than we have the Knicks on national television in the past THREE YEARS?! WTF?! Well, another year will go by with no Knicks playing postseason basketball, possibly no Lakers unless Kobe Bauer decides to start hogging the ball and averaging about 50 a game over the remainder of this stretch. And even IF they do make it, what's awaiting him in the first round? Mavs or Suns? But I digress and return to the Knicks. Sadly for the fans who are basically being robbed for the price they're having to fork out to see this bunch of nonachieving, overpaid mooks...James Dolan ensured that there'd be no hope in sight for the forseeable future. Say, think there's any way ole Adolf Stern rigs the lottery so that Greg Oden ends up in NY? I smell a Patrick Ewing/Oden comparison if the Knicks get the #1 pick in the May lottery. But can anyone tell me exactly what Zeke's done to get an extension? Seriously.

Playoff Beards for All!

That's right, kids. It's playoff hockey time, which is pretty much the only time I find myself sitting down to watch a whole hockey game. Why is the playoff hockey so much more exciting than the regular season? Other than the fact that it's the playoffs and everyone looks like me after two days of not shaving?

Well, for one thing, the players care more. They know they have to win these games, or they have to go home. That's why in the playoffs, you'll have a game go 4 overtimes like last night's 5-4 Vancouver Canucks victory over the Dallas Stars. One game wasn't enough for Game One of this series, to they decided to play a second game with a 4-4 score. Then a third of a game.

Some of my best college memories revolve around playoff hockey, because the playoffs were always starting about the time our final exams were kicking into gear, and there was no better way to stay up and study for a test than by turning on the TV to ESPN and filling your eye-holes with cold, slippery puck action. In fact, that's the reason why I witnessed the longest playoff hockey game since 1936.

Where I went to school, to kick off finals week, we'd have this event called midnight breakfast. Basically, it was an acknowledgement that everyone was probably drunk and needed to sober up before 8 AM finals the next day. So they'd fix us breakfast at midnight. Pancakes, waffles, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, fresh fruit, bagels, oatmeal, juice... you know, the usual breakfast foods that I never saw while I was at college, because I always slept in.

Anyway, at midnight breakfast, there's hockey on the TV, and the game is already in overtime. So, since it's sudden death, everyone gathers around to watch it. And we keep watching it. And we keep watching it, even though they're trying to shoo us out of the cafeteria so they can close up and go to bed. After 92 grueling minutes, that bastard Keith Primeau scored to give the Philadelphia Flyers a hard-fought 2-1 victory over the Pittsburgh Penguins.

As for me, I just got indigestion.

He's now drunk-driving for the Toyota Racing Team

Michael Waltrip’s really sucked this year. He was caught cheating at the Daytona 500 and fined $100,000 and docked 100 driver points, he hasn’t qualified for a race yet this season, and his team (Dale Jarrett and David Reutimann) has also struggled to even get in the field for races. Pretty much everything that can go wrong for Waltrip has gone wrong, except that he hasn’t crashed into a tree at 2 AM yet.

Oh wait, nevermind.

I hate to be a jingoist and say that you get what you pay for when you sell your soul to Japanese interlopers on the last purely American-powered motor sport, but… yeah, your team sucks, your cars suck, and you probably just got away with drunk driving and rolling your Land Cruiser. A professional race car driver ‘overcorrects’ and wrecks his vehicle sober? Yeah, and Chris Henry is a Boy Scout.

Karma’s a real bitch, Waltrip.

Imus = Anus

Okay, I'm not totally shocked by what happened on Tuesday night. I was definitely disappointed, considering it's the first championship any New Jersey team has competed for since the Nets were run out of town by the Spurs in 2003 in six games. So imagine how blown back I was to hear Don Imus call the Lady Knights some "nappy headed hos."

Allow me to go Booker T here for a minute as I say...

"He didn't just say that. Tell me...he didn't...just say THAT."

Apparently, he did. And one will have to forgive me for saying so, but I'm not catching the humor behind calling a team of black women a bunch of 'hos' of the nappy headed variety. I guess calling them a pack of chickenheads, would be pushing it. Quite frankly, I'm not going to call him a racist. That's like calling a duck a bird with web feet or a crackhead, someone whose drug dependent. Now, let me see if I have this right. The Federal Cocksucking Commission, can run Howard Stern off the air onto Sirius Satellite Radio and levy him with countless fines.

HOWEVER...let Imus call a mostly-black team a bunch of nappy headed hos and I guess their radios weren't on that day. This angers me for the mere fact that instead of focusing in on the year that was for the Lady Knights, we're talking about some dumb slack jawed yokel.

Peter Manfredo Jr. vs. Joe Calzaghe, or a retrospective on reality TV

Reality shows are a mixed bag as far as sports are concerned. Aside from pure entertainment fare, like “Pros vs. Joes,” there have been two serious sports reality ventures, UFC’s “The Ultimate Fighter” and Mark Burnett/Sylvester Stallone’s “The Contender,” both of which purported to either launch a new career or resurrect a failed career through the magic of television. Basically, we’re talking “American Idol” with full body waxing and more bloodshed.

Like everything else in life, there are two sorts of people. There are those that do something and sink or swim on their own, and there are those that sign up for reality shows, get lucky, beat up a bunch of no talent scrubs, and have success handed to them for their prowess at television games. While the alumni of “The Ultimate Fighter” have gone on to some level of success, the same thing can’t be said for former Contenders (Sergio Mora aside).

Unfortunately for Peter Manfredo, Jr., Season 1 Champion of “The Contender,” Joe Calzaghe isn’t an also ran club fighter. Joe Calzaghe is a world champion in the 10th year of his title reign. He’s got 20 successful title defenses. And apparently, he’s more than willing to break his hand on the face of a reality show survivor, thereby delaying his chance at a superfight with fellow super middleweight champion Mikkel Kessler.

Calzaghe got a hometown stoppage in the third round, after basically having his way with Manfredo over the first two rounds of the fight. Yes, Manfredo was stopping a lot of the shots thrown at him. Yes, I think the stoppage was premature. No, Manfredo wasn’t hurt, but he wasn’t fighting back, either, and Calzaghe had him pinned in the corner. While I think you could have let the fight run until Calzaghe finally got the knockout that was coming, it’s probably smarter in this day and age not to let someone get battered about the head and torso when they’re clearly outmanned, outgunned, and outclassed. Even with a broken hand, I don’t see how Manfredo could’ve recovered from the beating he was taking in that round, and even one-handed, that fight was Calzaghe’s to lose.

Hopefully, Calzaghe will heal quickly and we can get on with the serious boxing. While I like Manfredo, and while I did kind of root for him to do well, it’s obvious that there’s a wide gulf between a reality TV fighter and the real thing. Guts can only make up for so much, and Rocky lost to Apollo in their first fight, too.

The secret to our success

Up is down, black is white, and old is the new young. How else could you possibly explain the burgeoning gray-pride parade that is Major League Baseball this season?

In the first week, Barry Bonds hit a home run. That's expected. What no one expected was that same Barry Lamar Bonds stealing a base! At 42, no less! In two games, Bonds racked up a homer and a stolen base, and on the third day, he smacked a double. (Two more steals, and he ties last year's three steal total! Shoot for four, old man!)

Since Barry has never even seen performance enhancing drugs like HGH, designer steroids, or bear urine, what explains his magical run of base-stealing prowess? Simple. He's stealing a tip from Keith Richards and snorting the ground up cremains of deceased NFL players.

Poor Darryl Stingley didn't die of pneumonia, he died to sate Barry Bonds' lust for Hank Aaron's home run record.

Time to join the Underground Train plowing into Colin Cowshit.

Alright, as most of you know, I like Colon Cocksucker about as much as 50 Cent loves Ja Rule. In other words, I think an eternity of getting a pineapple shoved up his ass is too good for the fucking Schrutebag. In his oh so cool douchebag way, he ordered his minions to DNS our fellow haters over at the Big Lead.

This is even though Deadspin, KSK, Pacifist Viking, The Babes, and probably Flash Warner (everyone's favorite angry hottie) have said millions of things worse than what they'd come up with. Hell, after Eddie Guerrero's death, that was fun. It's the one time all the staffers here contributed to one large voodoo doll for Colin. (Oh, how's that eternal pain in your back, you fuck. I hope Jaime keeps that large dagger in, and possibly shoves said dagger even deeper every time she has a bad day.)

Anyhow, TBL was picked by random, because they "annoyed" Colon. They annoyed him, a man who does more annoying than 95 percent of the whores I used to date. right...

Then he tells the trolls to kill the site. And Michigan Zone has the clip in living color. Oh, Colon, fucking busted, faggot.

And so you know who to look for, Colin, when you're fired from ESPN, and you want to take out one of the bloggers. I'll give you a picture to look for. Which by the way, I was trained to kick ass by Uncle Sam's Angry Fellows aka the Army. I'll be the pissed off Mexican around Nashville. Good luck finding me...

Fuck Colin

There's a picture to go by, have fun.

Oh, and if you're feeling ready to test out the new Ombudswoman, have a go at this link. Be calm and very respectful. She's taking time out of her day to read your comments. So, don't give her a hard time. In fact, respect is the key word here. Show her respect, and she'll be sure to respectfully tell ESPN what their moronic radio host is doing.

Edit 1: A note of props. Awful Annonuncing, one of our boys who helped us out in the early days, he's leading a photoshop contest with caps of the live show. Yes, Schrutebag has a webcam. Doesn't that now make him a gay camwhore? Anyhow, participate if you want, I won't stop you. In fact, I fucking encourage you ar-teests to get in on it.

Edit 2: Now he's managed to offend Amy's hometown of Cincinattica. So, I think Colin's managed to piss off the Rust Belt, El Paso, and now Cincinattica. The South doesn't listen to you for being too metrosexual, and we hate being called homers and booger pickers. You've also pissed off Louisiana with your comments about Frank Robinson. I guess that leaves you with Hartford to be safe in, right...

World Ending...: CSTB is also aboard the Schrutebag hate train. World is now ending, lock up the valuables, place head between legs, kiss ass goodbye...

So, what's the big deal about April 15th?!!

The big deal is, John Q. Public. That's the date that one of the ballsiest and best players in the history of the MLB world broke the "color barrier." On April 15th, 1947, Jackie Robinson was hired by Branch Rickey to be his 1st/2nd Baseman for the then Brooklyn Dodgers. Needless to say, many a good ol' racist bumpkin in the South and otherwise hated this move. As the one man who brought the style of the Negro Leagues to the forefront, Jackie is remembered as two things to everyone now. Hall of Famer and a Legend.

When he was in his prime, he said this one statement. "I'm not concerned with your liking or disliking me... all I ask is that you respect me as a human being." Many people did just that. When the Phillies and their manager spouted out the n-word every chance they could get at Robinson, all 30 Dodgers united as one to shove a win down Philadelphia's collective throats.

Also, Pee Wee Reese was the one man on the Dodger team who stood up for the young Jackie, daring any bigot to come through him if they had anything to say. Considering the man was from Ron's hometown of Louisville, KY, that was saying a hell of a lot. This would later develop Jackie and Pee Wee into the SS/2B double play combo that everyone feared playing against.

To tell the whole story of 9 years of greatness, that would take too long on this site. Also, to be honest, we couldn't do any of it justice.

On April 15th, Dodger Nation will see an entire team of just one number for one day. One player from each team will be wearing this same number for this one day. In my opinion, about time Selig did something right.

So, to commemorate this event of the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robinson's start, we're posthumously putting in Mr. Robinson in the Pantheon of Badassery. And on the fifteenth, only one number needs to be said and seen to tell you what impact that one brave man from Cairo, Georgia had on MLB...

The Legendary Jackie Robinson

Long live 42.

Summitt's not just her last name, it's where she stands in the coaching pantheon

Sometimes, the ugly cute girl gets to the dance, finds herself a Prince, and lives happily ever after in a fabulous castle filled with talking rodents and magical grandmothers. Other times, when they bring the ugly cute girl up on stage and slide that Prom Queen tiara on her perfectly coiffed head and she takes her smiling date’s hand, someone dumps a bucket of pig’s blood on her head from the rafters.

Len’s Cinderella Rutgers squad is looking more like Carrie White today, after a thorough 59-46 humiliation at the hands of Darth Summitt’s Tennessee Lady Volunteers in the 2007 NCAA Women’s Basketball Championship.

So, that begs the question: why am I writing about women’s sports? I mean, everyone knows that Bill Simmons thinks that women’s basketball is like Big 10 basketball sans dunks (and that is boring).

Well, for starters, Pat Summitt is the winningest coach in NCAA history, and her 7th national title brings her into striking distance of John Wooden’s 10 titles, especially if Candace Parker returns to kick ass and take names next year. And even though I’m sure she’s much less interested than Billy Donovan, just ponder the thought of Coach Pat Summitt’s University of Kentucky Wildcats. Really think about it.

Most of your young black basketball players are raised by single mothers. Who’s going to relate to those mothers and those players more than a strong female authority figure who obviously doesn’t take any crap from anyone? Who has a better coaching pedigree than Pat Summit and who is still an active coach? No one.

Now, I know this will never happen. I know Pat Summitt once cut short a recruiting trip to have her son in Tennessee. I know she loves UT like I love pizza and beer. But I’ll be damned if it’s not intriguing.

As for Rutgers, well... They're all gonna laugh at you! They're all gonna laugh at you!

Listen Up Texans...

That's the sound of your franchise choking on itself...AGAIN. Before I get this going, I give you a snippet from my not yet published "The Grimey Handbook On Running A Franchise 101."

Rule 3.01- If you take a quarterback in the 1st round and he flames out on you in under three years, your franchise is finished.

I've spent close to a decade watching the NFL [which is quickly becoming the National Felons League] and I swear, I could write a book on how many mismanaged franchises there are right now posing as professional football clubs.

The Texans go out and make David Carr their first pick
overall. The very first draft pick that they EVER had in a college draft, was used to draft this sidearm slinger from Fresno State. And while I won't be the first to say that it was a bust or wrong move at the time, methinks that somewhere along the line Bob McNair and Rick Smith missed the part of Football 101 which states, "your offense will not go ANYWHERE without an offensive line to keep your QB off his ass".

To this point, the Texans have not done that. They've wasted their last four picks in the 1st round on the defensive side of the football. But yet, I'm left to really scratch my head at the Millenian way of thinking these clowns are working under. They swap picks in the first round with the Falcons to get a backup QB [not a starter, a BACKUP] along with coughing up two other picks, this year and next year, for Matt Schaub.

[Crickets chirp...and then stop.]

Cinderella Vs. The Evil Stepsister. Final Round.

Alright, screw all that crap you hear about Cinderella in the Men's Tourney being some mid-major school that you never hear of until they start picking off teams in your bracket like some crazed sniper with a high powered rifle. Tonight in Cleveland, about 15-20 minutes up the way from me, the NCAA Women's National Championship will have Cinderella in all her glory trying to get not just a glass slipper...but the platinum one that comes with a plaque that says 2007 National Champions. Cinderella Rutgers crashed this ball's final dance and along the way she did the following...

- Defeated Michigan State in East Lansing in the second round, in front of a rather nasty crowd. Unlike the men's game, the first two rounds aren't neutral site games. Draw the right straw and you can force your opponent to win two tough first-round games before going to the Sweet Sixteen.

- She sent #1 Duke packing and with it, their coach Gail Gostenkors [the female Coach K, only without the national titles] to Texas.

- She sent Arizona State home rather unceremoniously, shutting them down with a defensive stand that slowed the Lady Devils.

Oh and here's the cherry topper, no pun intended.

- They sent Bob Starkey back a few chairs on his bench by shutting down his, err, Pokey's Lady Tigers and their Female Shaq, Sylvia Fowles, in the Final Four on Sunday.

So bring on the gal they've been calling She-bron in Candace Parker. I've got to question someone who is dating a Dukie [Shelden Williams] and her brother whose professional life hasn't amounted to anything until she hit the scene [take a bow Anthony Parker, even though Toronto's playing playoff basketball in the Leastern Conference]. Bring on Darth Summitt and all 6 of her titles.

The Lady Knights are ready. Cinderella's packing her hard hat and lunch pail, because #7's not in the bag. It's not even on the checkout line. Wanna know the last championship the State University of Rutgers has seen?

Try a share of the 1949 Fencing title with Army. Who cares about FENCING? The football program is well on its way to owning the Big East.

Basketball? Comes down to just three letters as far as I'm concerned. C-V-S. C. Vivian Stringer.

Go Knights.

... you only wish I was fixing it.

While Rich and Ron may think that I made my decisions for the brackets based off of who had the prettier uniforms or the cuter mascot, that'd only be as a result to them both eating a pile of sour grapes.

Why is that? That's because yours truly is the Official Sports Bastards' March Madness Bracket Winner. Do these bragging rights really matter? Not so much, only in that I can rub it in everyone's face here, at this moment, and then my five seconds of pseudo-fame are up.

So, congratulations Florida on your second NCAA championship this year in a major sport. (Did you win others in minor sports? Hell if I know... because at the end of this you're still Florida and stuck in awful Gainesville. I've visited.. it's awful.) But Congrats.

And self congratulations to me in picking a great set of brackets, even if Georgetown kept me from winning a few other brackets.


1.) Delusions of Grandeur - Jaime Sue (157 points)
2.) KEEPCOUGHLINKEEPCOUGHLIN! - Chris (114 points)
3.) The Grimey Bracket - Len (82 points)
4.) Spindoctor's Specialties - Spinler (74 points)
4.) I thought you said NAACP! - John (if you're not John. Sorry. Suck it up. You're now John) (74 points)
6.) Jade's Bracket - Jade (70 points)
7.) Everyone has AIDS - Ron (69 points)
8.) ChurchofLen - Rich (33 points)

Hope you all had fun. Now bore yourselves to death with baseball (as my local news sportscaster tries to convince me the Rockies losing on opening day was a good thing) and your NASCAR (who is even more lame in another week off... but then again, they're good old boys. They never work Easter or Mother's Day). And enjoy some hockey playoffs here in a week (I can't wait).

Florida and the Ohio State University Redux

It feels like we've been down this road once already. Oh, wait, we have. It was called the BCS National Championship Game.

Either way, here we are again. The highly (over)rated tOSU versus the young upstart Florida Gators! Well, okay, not so much this time. If anything, tOSU is the underdog in this one, which leave me in a quandry.

Do I root for a team whose fanbase I hate with a passion, or do I root for a team with the one college player I hate almost as much as I hate J.J. Reddick? Decisions, decisions... ah, fuck it, I'm shooting for a Florida sweep. tOSU just doesn't impress me all that much, and I don't think they'll be able to keep it slow.

In the thread below, leave me your thoughts on the game and who you think is going to win. Bragging rights, as always, are on the line.

Go Gators!