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I'm baaaack aka New Rules for July 24, 2008

Alright, people. While Ron's whoring out to others, I figure I'll write for your amusement. So, what's news....


Yes, these are coming out to you hard and fast, like a Rick Majorn shove to the she-man, Lisa Leslie.

1. Ricardo Ricco - Nice one, fuckstick. You were rated as the upset special for the Tour de Frog... I mean France. And instead you get to be a 2nd rate Floyd Landis. New rule, for those who were a bit slow. Ricardo Ricco = half ass cheater.

2. Brett Favre - Accept the fact that you're not going to Minnesota or any "good" team. In other words, Buffalo or bust, fucker!

3. C.C. Sabathia - Proving a good pitcher paired with a fat fuck vegan named Prince equals a decent team, especially for a city known for drinking.
[ Read More... ]

IT'S BACK... New Rules for January 10, 2007

That's right, people. Coming back harder than a case of Type II Herpes that stripper got from Mike Vick, it's the New Rules. It's gonna be a shorter list though. Don't want to burn myself out again. I've been overdue on this, so let's go, shall we?

- New York Giants are keeping Tom Coughlin. Why? They enjoy pissing naysayers like Len off. So, here's a laundry list for the Giants to get to talking to. Eli, White Trash Shockey, Gap Tooth, and Plexiglass. If Coughy is allowed to get rid of any of that group, only Eli will stay.

- Michelle Wie, stop it, oh Korean goddess. While you shouldn't listen to a former college cumdumpster like Jemelelelelele on most of her crap, listen to the college folks (Chris, Ron, Luis, Jade, Jaime, me) and stay the fuck in school. Get on an NCAA team. Dominate like Tiger. Repeat after you get the degree.

- Ohio State Buckeyes are who we thought they were--overrated. First the football team gets chomped by Gators. Now the basketball team is being clawed by Badgers. I think they need to go against non-animal teams next year. Except Michigan...

- Gilbert Arenas = scary. Kobe went and pissed him off this year. Now yesterday during the ESPN chat, I found out that the man had 6 fucking PS3. He doesn't play any of them. Any man with that much ownage of anything, you don't want to fuck with, ever.

- Memphis proved something. Luke Walton is a mealy-mouthed worthless bastard. Kobe can't handle teams "lesser in the food chain" than the Lakers. Pau Gasol can actually have a good game.

- We now found out why Jason Kidd was an alleged wife beater. It's not that he was turning into Shawn Kemp. It was the fact that Joumana was turning into Tawny Kitaen.

- Finally, a few people in my previous articles have taken attacks on me. I'll say this once to them. CSTB, when you learn to stop the copypasta, we'll learn to respect you. Until then, go choke on your boyfriend's dick.

- To the Vandy guys, I take talk of racism from rich white boys as seriously as I take skin care advice from a leper. Go waste more of mommy and daddy's money and then die alone, you pricks.

All I've got, folks. More news and general shit coming from this disgruntled associate editor soon...

A New Rule: This week, this former soldier will never forget his brothers...

This past week, the anniversary of one of the bloodiest ambushes in history was remembered.

My father was a Vietnam-era medic in the midst of this carnage. He saw the aftermath of the 8th. He was one of the Medics that had to try to finish what SPC 6 Joel couldn't that day. He didn't know the man in this story, personally, but he knew too many like him.

The Sarge (My father) put into my older brother and I a sense of honor that most wouldn't understand unless you too were a soldier. Take a shot for my dad and his brothers, and for all of my brothers still serving. And take another for all the 173rd Airborne who aren't here with us on Earth, but with God.

Carry on, gentlemen.

New Rules for November 1, 2006

Alright, now we have constant whiners in the sports world, and the Critic knows what that's about. I'm not linking the site, either. Lord knows we don't need to give them any free hits.

New Rules time!

Like I stated in my Bizzaro Column, the Reggie Ray Counter needs to be above Ben the Bumpkin at all times.

Much like Len, I'm wondering what the hell is going on in the Big East. Oh, wait. I know. The ACC sucks. The PAC-10 sucks. And the SEC teams have lost a game. Don't count out that ugly bastard, Owen Schmitt. He's big, ugly, gets yards, and injures defensive players who fuck with him. You think that Pat White or Steve Slayton can do it all?

On the Scmitt note, anyone who can get me his jersey within this month for my birthday (late or not), will get... Name it, within reason. I'm a college student, so I'm poor.

I'm wondering if Ben the Bumpkin isn't the only brain-damaged member of the Steelers. I'm leaning towards Bill being that way, too.

For once in my existence, here's why I agree with Sean Salisbury. To those who are wondering, Finesse gets crushed by Physical. The Colts lose the big postseason games because they're a pussy finesse team. Teams like the Bears and the Ravens win because they're nasty.

Shawne "Roided Out" Merriman decided to have more brains than his player's union. Let's hope this trend stays.

Bart Scott needs to do like his fellow Ravens. Choose a gimmick. Ray's an attempted murderer. Jamal's a druggie. McNair is a drunk. I think Bart should do the Black Romo, just for kicks.

Speaking of a Romo, let's talk about the one who's actually doing something worthwhile. Tony Romo is still going to be the starter for the Cowboys, which now brings an unflattering light to Shanny. If you read the link, Romo and Shanny have a lot in common. Both started at Northern Illinois. C'mon, Mike. We all know Jake sucks, time for you to figure it out.

The NBA started last night, and we saw the new look Bulls kill Shaq and the SuperHeat. However, nobody brought a gun to dispute this.

Yes, Mark Cuban. Stern the Geek hates you, and I do too. However, keep the act going! You are somewhat more entertaining that half the fuckers on Page 2 or Can't Stop the Bleeding.

Attention G's, Kobe isn't going to win it. Shaq's done. Isiah is going to kill the Knicks eventually. Go with your sure bets. Everyone but LeBron.

Is it just me or is Chris Kaman even more scary than half of his Clippers teammates? Yes, he is.

Baseball is over, so no more Pete for at least a month.

If anyone wants to know my stance on the Harold Reynolds vs. ESPN suit. I've got my TEAM HR shirt in the mail right now. It's going to be in the same package as my "Barry Takes It In The Ass" shirt.

By the way, anytime that Booty gets beat by Beavers is a good thing.

That's all I have, and remember, support your local single moms.

New Rules for October 16, 2006

Time to steal Rich’s gimmick with some New Rules. This is my first shot at this, so I hope it goes well. If it doesn’t, forget you ever read this.

New Rule—If you’re going to start a fight, FIU, you damn well better finish it. While FIU did get more players suspended than the U, the U also was the first team to kick when guys were down, use a helmet as a weapon, dole out body slams, and attack helpless special teams players. That being said, Miami still should’ve had an easier time fighting off their cross-town rivals

New Rule The downfall of the Oakland Raiders and the downfall of The U (most popular major: thugganomics) seem inextricably linked. Perhaps some sort of exchange program is necessary to rethug these programs. Something has to be done about this, it’s just not football if the Raiders are as meek as kittens and the U can’t outfight Florida International University. Time to either start raiding the prisons or…

New Rules for October 14, 2006

Alright, kids. I've been this past week without anything funny. The trend will probably continue as we speak. Rule time!

New Rules:

As our Spindoctor just stated, ice packs and morons do not mix. The Steelers will have to suck up that pain this season because some fuckers can't understand that you don't fall asleep with an icepack on you.

When the Cincinattica Bengals and the North Tijuana SuperConvicts play on November 12th, the following will need to come: The San Diego County Sheriff's Department with loading vans to let the players for the visiting team onto the field, Cincinattica's Police Work-Release Program to escort the Bungle Convicts out onto the field, the National Guard, Ed Hochuli (with Gunz) to defend most of the players in his actual job outside of the NFL, Johnny Cochran's corpse to call it all an outrage, The UN Peacekeeping Corps, possibly the Chinese military with shoot to kill orders, and Jim Rome to ridicule the whole fucking thing.

Stephen Jackson was arrested this past week for his involvement in a fight. Seems the fucker violated parole, again. So, along with Ohio, happy hour is cancelled for the Pacers and the Colts (Just covering my bases.) in Indiana.

Detroit might actually sweep the A's. Attention Michigan National Guard: Get out the AKs, fuckers. It's going to get critical.

Me-O is upgraded to a category 4 pussy this week. However, Vanderjagtass is still a category 1 now that his pussy healed properly.

Speaking of Me-O, I don't give a flying fuck about Little T. Big T's bad enough. How long before he starts throwing tantrums to Coach Billy about Drewie B throwing only to Terry G?

To the Yankees fans, Rogers isn't choking. Guess like everyone else who left NYC, he's doing a lot better now. Let's see if A-Rod agrees later on next season...

On that same note, next World Series miss, Torre shouldn't be on any chopping block. Instead, throw Cashman off of the Empire State Building, Boss. The person he lands near wins a million dollar contract from the Yankees.

The Cards aren't choking at the moment like Ron predicted. Get the duct tape and bottle water ready. If Kim Jong Il the Kook isn't gonna kill us, this might.

Seems the Madden Choke Curse is extending to both teams that play in the Super Bowl. Big Ben has a lower QB rating than Charlie Batch. Just saying...

Also, when a punk ass white boy is started in front of you, that's your cue to get better, Daunte.

Next time you have a thought, Adam Jones, I meant Punkman, fuck I meant Pacman. Anyways, next time you have a thought, Adam Jones, let it go. While you're at it, cut your dreads. You look like a mini version of Mark Henry. And he looks like a bastardized version of the Predator without the talent and fighting skills.

I have the perfect candiates for the World Series of Dice, the entire AFC South minus Indy, there's more thugs in that Division than in Oakland, North Tijuana, or Cincinattica. The top 10 in that series gets reshuffled to the said teams. The non-thugs go to the AFC South. Got it?

Finally, to be fair, the NFL should reshuffle the schedule just this once. Put the Titans against the Raiders. We'll see which team Roger needs to buy for contraction. Somebody has to win, because they don't entirely believe in a tie. Or do they...

All I've got, I'll do better next time.

New Rules for October 4, 2006.

Alright, I'm falling behind on New Rules. Considering that my POS DSL modem is back in some capacity, it's time to terrorize you unlucky people. So, time to vent on the weeks that were.

New Rules:

Ohio is no longer allowed to serve drinks at any hour to the Cincinattica Bengals. Especially to Odell Thurman or Chris Henry.

The NFLPA is actually making sense. Now if only those cocksuckers would help out the retired players, and while you guys are on that kick, get rid of Upshaw (or at least gag the fucker).

There's a reason why the A's are on a roll. They're the rowdy frat boys of MLB. It'll take the Tigers or the Yanks to shut them up for good.

Cut the shit about a subway series. The Evil Empire still has to take out the Tigers. The Mets have to take out the Dodgers. Trust me, both aren't as easy as everyone thinks.

ESPN needs the NHL back. How many times do I really need to see the fucking World Series of Poker? Poker is NOT A SPORT! Hockey is. It might be boring as flies fornicating on a sidewalk, but it's a more legitimate sport than poker (Sorry, Matt Guzzetta.) It's sad that the Versus Network might beat you guys in ratings at the rate you're going.

The following NFL teams need to follow the example of the high school in Michigan who cancelled after a 0 for 4 season: Detroit, Oakland, Tennessee, and Tampa Bay. There is hope for the bubble team Cleveland. Not much, though. You only beat Oakland, and that HS team in Michigan could've done that, too.

The following NFL teams need to draft actual linemen in the next draft, or risk having the front office shot: Detroit, Tampa Bay, Oakland, Tennessee.

Chris Simms has achieved a level of maniliness only seen by Ronnie "Cut My God Damn Finger Off!" Lott. If Gruden had a pocket knife handy, he and Simms might've removed the spleen themselves with said pocket knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Jason "Ed" Grimsley and reports do not mix, ever. And the NY Times hasn't been a reputable paper, ever. Let's all take a breath and realize that the Rocket isn't juiced. Just fucking fat. The same goes for Howard, Ortiz, and Frank Thomas.

The Yankees have something missing from their team dynamic. A lovable fat ass. Not since the Babe, have they had one. Get Ortiz if you need one, Boss.

The Detroit Red Wings fans have to realize something. Detroit is older than Methuselah. All of them. The Central Divison is going to NASHVILLE. Choke on that one, or at least go into the usual mob violence that you usually pull when Jimmy Kimmel pisses you off.

Ben Wallace going to Chicago might be a good thing. Put 'Sheed at center, and you have a guy who can shoot free throws. Let's face it, Ben resembled another man who can't shoot: Shaq. And Shaq had a team that made him better than he really is.

To the NBA players complaining about the new ball: Stop! The ball is stickier for a reason; all of you sweat like Mark Foley during a Junior High School Boys Basketball game. Try the ball in the games. If you don't like it after this season, tough shit. Take it up the ass like you did with the dress code. I feel sorry for none of you.

Finally, this goes to Shanny. Grow some balls. Start Jay Cutler. Jake the Fake is only going to get worse, or possibly get himself killed. And for the love of God, start Culter against a cream-puff team. Like around the 15th, because anyone can beat Oakland.

That's all for this week. If I've offended anyone, there's an X on the right hand for Windows users, or the red button for you smarter Mac users who understand how to not be a Windows lamer. I use neither...

New Rules for September 20, 2006.

First off, SB welcomes Mr. Baseball Encyclopedia himself, Peter Gammons, back to work at ESPN. The man suffered a brain aneurysm, which is very serious in nature. If you're into inside baseball dealings, he's your man for that, really. But seriously, Pete, thanks for giving even us SBers a little more insight on the shit we don't understand. Keep going and get even better, man.

Alright, fuckies. Enough nice, rule time. So, the new rules:

As mentioned above, you are not an authority on baseball. He is. We're not insiders, we're reporters of what we hear. Well, in SB's case, we make fun of what we hear. Let's not get that confused.

If your team is losing then the score does fucking matter, so quit posing, faggot. Fucking do your job and win. Detroit's already had enough misery, fuckhead. The Tigers sucked, and now they're winning. Step up, you fucking studio gangsta.

An addendum to the standing rule for the national anthem: the rules are meant for the athletes. If you are in the cheap seats, we understand the fear of heights.

Pac-10 officals always have and always will be subpar. Get used to having that loss, you Oklahomos.

Also, never trust a Pac-10 official to get anything right for anything. They can't get games between their own teams right, and they need to be out.

Pete Carroll, nobody gives a shit what Brent Musburger says. You've got more important shit to worry about. Like losing the 2005 trophy, thanks to Reggie and Matt.

Jason Giambi is not the fucking authority on jack fucking shit. You've got a Tic Tac ballsack and a Pixy Stick dick with a Mardi Gras head now. Get off A-Rod's ass and shut the fuck up, 'Roid Boy. He's choked less in the clutch than you have.

Big Ben will be fine. I'd like to see you come back to work after an appendectomy. I'll bet that you can't. I had five teeth taken out, and I found it hard to write here or for other places. Lay off, he'll get back to it.

Derek Jeter may be the captain, but I'm calling him out. Jeet, you're a douchebag. Read above on why.

More NFL name changes. Carolina is now BALCO East. And you pretty much have the Giambi/Bonds effect there now, only they suck a lot more.

Tennessee Titans will not finish above .500 this season. Next season is looking fucking grim due to the lovely Jaime Sue's team getting the only QB that can do shit on the Titans. Go Chargers.

The Tennessee Vols could actually beat the Tennessee Titans, but then again, so could Carson-Newman College. At least Carson-Newman has a kicker when it matters.

Yes, the more weight Phillip Fulmer loses, the more they manage to win, except against Florida. Don't know how, just going with it. Maybe when he loses the equivalent weight of WeeMan from Jackass, they might get a National Title again. Although last I checked, he needed a black quarterback to do it.

Mike Vanderjagtass comes back in time for the Redskins, only to watch as T.O. breaks a finger. Don't worry, he'll be back for Philly. The Cowboys can afford to let him sit against the Titans. The third string needs the practice anyways.

That's all I got.

Sports Bastards New Rules - September 12th Edition

Alright, lets start firing this off.

The New Rules:

If your new player has more drunken driving charges than your entire team, don't get that player and make your team worse.

Cincinnati is no longer Cincinnati. It will forever be called Cincinattica.

God really does hate Cleveland, but a lot less than San Francisco.

It doesn't matter what race, color, creed, or religion you are. Unless you're paralyzed, please stand for the National Anthem, fuckhead.

If you're going to retire, fucking retire. This means you Junior Seau.

New England is a frugal team, but one that gets results. Don't be a cunt like Deion Branch and turn them down. Shut up and play and win your ring, bitch.

If you suck at Qqarterback, watch out. The rookies are a lot better and a lot stronger than you are. I'm looking at you, Kerry and Jake.

Steroids and HGH can and will shrink your balls and inflate your head, pardon me if I like my 8 inch dick with grapefruits and being able to wear hats off the rack over being a sports machine.

NBA players, quit bitching about the suit rule. Pardon Stern for making sure you look like men instead of fucking hood rats.

In the sake of all of us John Q. Fuckies having to sacrifice a bit for gas, all athletes need to quit buying Bentleys and Hummers. Now.

Just because Jay-Z owns your team doesn't mean it's a good thing. Especially when no-talent booty whore Beyonce comes around to watch practice. Trust me, with that coffee table ass, you won't be doing much practicing.

Drew Rosenhaus needs to stay out of the following sports: NBA, MLB, NHL, MLS, and European sports. However, he is allowed in Major League Lacrosse, if he behaves properly.

Jay Mariotti is a douchebag and he always will be a douchebag. Get him off of Around the Horn before I gut Tony Reali.

But when it comes to it, Tony Reali is smarter than you are about sports, and that includes the sportswriters. Woody Page comes in second. Mariotti and Skip Bayless are the bottom of the fucking barrel on that standing.

Betting sites don't know a god damn thing about sports. If they do, they fixed the game. Otherwise, they're guessing like we are. They have thousands of hours of time invested in stealing your money.

Poker is not a sport. Actually, if you're playing drunk like Ron and I do, it is a sport. Because it's a sport to stay upright after a fifth of Jim Beam.

That's all I got, the crew will give more later.