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New Rules for October 4, 2006.

Alright, I'm falling behind on New Rules. Considering that my POS DSL modem is back in some capacity, it's time to terrorize you unlucky people. So, time to vent on the weeks that were.

New Rules:

Ohio is no longer allowed to serve drinks at any hour to the Cincinattica Bengals. Especially to Odell Thurman or Chris Henry.

The NFLPA is actually making sense. Now if only those cocksuckers would help out the retired players, and while you guys are on that kick, get rid of Upshaw (or at least gag the fucker).

There's a reason why the A's are on a roll. They're the rowdy frat boys of MLB. It'll take the Tigers or the Yanks to shut them up for good.

Cut the shit about a subway series. The Evil Empire still has to take out the Tigers. The Mets have to take out the Dodgers. Trust me, both aren't as easy as everyone thinks.

ESPN needs the NHL back. How many times do I really need to see the fucking World Series of Poker? Poker is NOT A SPORT! Hockey is. It might be boring as flies fornicating on a sidewalk, but it's a more legitimate sport than poker (Sorry, Matt Guzzetta.) It's sad that the Versus Network might beat you guys in ratings at the rate you're going.

The following NFL teams need to follow the example of the high school in Michigan who cancelled after a 0 for 4 season: Detroit, Oakland, Tennessee, and Tampa Bay. There is hope for the bubble team Cleveland. Not much, though. You only beat Oakland, and that HS team in Michigan could've done that, too.

The following NFL teams need to draft actual linemen in the next draft, or risk having the front office shot: Detroit, Tampa Bay, Oakland, Tennessee.

Chris Simms has achieved a level of maniliness only seen by Ronnie "Cut My God Damn Finger Off!" Lott. If Gruden had a pocket knife handy, he and Simms might've removed the spleen themselves with said pocket knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Jason "Ed" Grimsley and reports do not mix, ever. And the NY Times hasn't been a reputable paper, ever. Let's all take a breath and realize that the Rocket isn't juiced. Just fucking fat. The same goes for Howard, Ortiz, and Frank Thomas.

The Yankees have something missing from their team dynamic. A lovable fat ass. Not since the Babe, have they had one. Get Ortiz if you need one, Boss.

The Detroit Red Wings fans have to realize something. Detroit is older than Methuselah. All of them. The Central Divison is going to NASHVILLE. Choke on that one, or at least go into the usual mob violence that you usually pull when Jimmy Kimmel pisses you off.

Ben Wallace going to Chicago might be a good thing. Put 'Sheed at center, and you have a guy who can shoot free throws. Let's face it, Ben resembled another man who can't shoot: Shaq. And Shaq had a team that made him better than he really is.

To the NBA players complaining about the new ball: Stop! The ball is stickier for a reason; all of you sweat like Mark Foley during a Junior High School Boys Basketball game. Try the ball in the games. If you don't like it after this season, tough shit. Take it up the ass like you did with the dress code. I feel sorry for none of you.

Finally, this goes to Shanny. Grow some balls. Start Jay Cutler. Jake the Fake is only going to get worse, or possibly get himself killed. And for the love of God, start Culter against a cream-puff team. Like around the 15th, because anyone can beat Oakland.

That's all for this week. If I've offended anyone, there's an X on the right hand for Windows users, or the red button for you smarter Mac users who understand how to not be a Windows lamer. I use neither...
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I'd argue that Sal Fasano is pretty lovable and pretty fat, man.

I'd also argue that Mac users aren't smarter than Windows users. Say what you want about the merits of BSD... (whoops, I mean OSX), but I understand my computer a lot better after digging into my Registery and opening the case, and Mac users don't get that fun, because they can't upgrade their pretty plastic boxes.

I mean, really, who is smarter than a Linux user? They practically program the computer themselves!

Posted by Ron at 10/04/06 20:30:28

Don't forget Brian Bruney and Jaret Wright, who are Boomer Wells-es in training.

Posted by Jade at 10/05/06 01:52:25

You know what Oakland needs? Fucking sumo wrestlers for an O-Line

Posted by at 10/05/06 07:54:25

"ESPN needs the NHL back. How many times do I really need to see the fucking World Series of Poker? Poker is NOT A SPORT! Hockey is. It might be boring as flies fornicating on a sidewalk, but it's a more legitimate sport than poker (Sorry, Matt Guzzetta.) It's sad that the Versus Network might beat you guys in ratings at the rate you're going."

Seeing as how I'm Matt Guzzetta let me point out that you proved ESPN's point for them. While the NHL might be a more recognizeable sport poker draws an entirely different group of viewers and higher ratings and besides.. if Dominos and Darts makes it.. I'll be damned if you are bitching about poker.


Posted by at 10/10/06 03:31:02

I love you, Guzzy.

Posted by Rich at 10/10/06 08:08:31

The World Series of Dice, with your host Chris Henry! Special Guest Host, Chris Henry's gun!

Posted by Ron at 10/10/06 16:56:26

Brian Bruney best of the best

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