New Rules for October 16, 2006
New Rule—If you’re going to start a fight, FIU, you damn well better finish it. While FIU did get more players suspended than the U, the U also was the first team to kick when guys were down, use a helmet as a weapon, dole out body slams, and attack helpless special teams players. That being said, Miami still should’ve had an easier time fighting off their cross-town rivals
New Rule The downfall of the Oakland Raiders and the downfall of The U (most popular major: thugganomics) seem inextricably linked. Perhaps some sort of exchange program is necessary to rethug these programs. Something has to be done about this, it’s just not football if the Raiders are as meek as kittens and the U can’t outfight Florida International University. Time to either start raiding the prisons or…
New Rule—Steven Jackson and Ron Artest, roving professors from the Technical Institute for Thugganomic Strategy. That’s right, for a reasonable fee, you can have two of the biggest TITS around come to your youth football program, school, or daycare to teach your young charges how to throw down like real studio gangsters/millionaires.
Learn the art of “Shameless Self Promotion” and “Rapping on the Side” from Professor Artest. Learn “Actin’ a Fool” and “Inventive Ways to Get Banned from a Strip Club” from Professor Emeritus Jackson. Featuring a variety of guest lecturers, including Dean William Romanowski’s “Better Living Through Chemicals,” Professors David Wells and Jeremy Shockey’s graduate class “The Pros and Pros of Coming to Work Drunk,” Allen Iverson’s class on “Fashion: Can You Ever Wear Too Much Jewelry?” and of course Dr. Barry Bonds’ class “Ass-Beatings for Wives, Mistresses, Girlfriends, and General Hoes.” Unfortunately, because of parole concerns, the classes from Professors Clarett and Phillips have been cancelled. In addition, Dr. Bonds’ class on “Mexican Pharmacies and You” has also been cancelled due to grand jury implications.
New Rule—Guns make women more attractive. Doesn’t matter who, or really what kind of gun. Don’t question it. For red-blooded American males, it works. If you can both use the gun and use it to kill massive bloodthirsty creatures, the hotness factor rises (pardon the pun). Nothing repels hippies faster than a flash of .357 Magnum and shaven legs, ladies, and we all know nothing’s a bigger turn-on that a guy with a job and a shower. Bonus points for being able to gut, skin, clean, and cook that dead lion. Or at least giving it away to those who are hungrier than you.
New Rule—The above rule does not apply to Rosie O’ Donnell. Unless, of course, Rosie is the massive bloodthirsty creature shot and killed by the gun-carrying hottie. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through a pile of dead “The View” cast members.
Except for Elisabeth Hasselbeck, she carries a gun as well, and nobody wants any Wild West shootouts. Save your bullets for those that deserve them, ladies, and the jobs that need doing. Like, say, when Michael Vick finally has a Theismann and has to be put down.
And I’m spent. See you guys after my post-work nap.
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